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I didn't write it, but felt it touched on how it feels, 9 years down the road, for me.

May need to consult my financial planner or lawyer about this but maybe one of you have dealt with this. My son turns 18 in 6 months!!! So, as I am not recoupled, was considering putting his name on things so he could access them in case of ER. Like on my checking account. Maybe on the car title, too. I have my finances like insurance policy and such in his name as the beneficiary. But this is different. This would be ICE he would have access to my accounts. I was on my mother's so I could manage hers. I know, she was elderly, and it was different. Anyone do this? It would be only ICE. He is a mature young man. Any downsides?

The Stone in Your Pocket The best way I can describe grieving over a loved one as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body. Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by it’s weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but you just can’t. You want to take a nap but it’s been so many years since you’ve called in “sad” you’re not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did. But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even smile at its unwavering presence. You’ve accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it, saying “mine” as children do. You rest more peacefully than you once did, you’ve learned to move forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you’re holding. But most days you twirl it through your fingers, smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your hands together and hope you are living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry, until your arms are full again.

"Pervasive sadness." I have this "what am I do to do the rest of my life?" feelings that are empty. I have times of joy and then they turn to sadness quickly as I don't have my person to share them with, mostly with my son's growth. I was sitting in church, and I was thinking about my son's first date he had last night, and he asked her to prom. And I was smiling, under my mask, and then it changed to that hurt in my middle, and tears welled up. His dad was supposed to be here for this. His dad was supposed to talk to him about girls, dating, everything. He has had to have just me. And he did tell his youth leader two weeks ago he had a girlfriend now. And I was so happy he shared that but then remembered he chose him because he could not tell his dad. He has accomplished so much in the 9 years his dad has been deceased. That is hard for me, not having his dad to share it with. And so in a less than 2 years, he is off to college. So what for me? Work is not fulfilling. Never was supposed to be my end all, in my humble opinion. So I get it. 9 years. I think maybe when my son might marry, and I become a grandma ( cross fingers) that may be really joyful and fill in some holes. But that is likely another 10 years away. He is 17. So, I get bits of joy here and there. I do all the "right" things to keep going, but still have pervasive sadness........ And I keep getting older.

Nice write up. Thanks for that. 9 years here. How? So, I have watched a few here and there. Unicorn - sitcom comedy. Seems the jest of it is to get him laid first and then recoupled and all will be right in the world. Hmmm..... Return to Me - Sappy sweet and nice fairytale. I enjoyed it but knew what it was. PS I Love You - Again, great book BEFORE I became a widow. It had some good parts. But still very syrupy. Never have been a hallmark movie watcher. Seems the world thinks if you couple up, then all is right in the world. I really wanted that, and reality hit me head on. Happy for those who do find that, but life is full of twists and turns. So..... "This is Us" is my new crybaby show. It is gut wrenching. I do think it portrays some of the realities of widowhood. But since the story focusses on so much of the 3 kids and how their life is impacted when their dad dies when they are 17 and continued angst, that makes me feel sad and hopeless for my son. I truly hope my son is not "emotionally damaged" and struggles with all his life decisions because of his father's death. I don't see that in him, truly. Been a Grey's Anatomy fan off and on. I think the character Meredith Grey actually portrays the longevity of the loss better than expected. The show is on the extreme end of most things, but I see her working through it over years, and it makes sense. My cousin wrote her first fictional book, "The Widow's Season". Her mother/my aunt became widowed in her 40s, my uncle dying in a drowning accident. Read it before I was a widow, and it was "okay" and a bit intriguing. Liked she used family names in it. She wrote her dissertation on widows in English literature and is a college prof. The book is quite fictional. Thanks for your lists. Shadowlands looks appealing as I am a CS Lewis fan. I'll check some of them out.

https://edwardsgroupllc.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/DavidEdwards_BlendedFamilyFinances_10Tips.pdf?vgo_ee=woiOI3GUXyh2xhq%2B0PKU9m7%2BX%2FpMfSStElYb34Re%2FNg%3D Every family is different. I heard a podcast about this. They called it a togetherness agreement. Money and assets have psychological meaning. To spell it out is important. Kids know then. Just like making a plan for death and a will. My input. Dating a divorced person with kids and ex makes a difference. State laws are different. Plan out to avoid undue distress.

I just had my 9 year anniversary last week. It is different. I moved, also, new home and new life. It is surreal, like many here say. My son has lived longer without his father. I wonder about keeping all those things. I have not looked at them in years. Went to the cemetery this go around with my son, and he had not been there in 3 years. I have thought about contacting people, too. Thanking them for the role they played in helping me with my son afterwards. I have toyed with doing a note everyday. This pandemic can get you going on the negative or positive. I have not but I do FB and thank people there when it makes sense. I agree with everyone here. It is never too late to tell someone you appreciated them in some way. Right? Thanks for verifying it for me!

Well, I got my 2nd. 3 weeks apart exactly. Pfizer. No problems first dose. Sore in injection site only. This one I had chills, low grade fever and slight headache for about 8 hours. I consider myself lucky. I had no wait. Walk right in, check in, go to open nurse and done. I feel bad for those waiting hours in cars and still not getting it. Our states in the US very much have different management of distribution. I believe my low populated state but yet highly involved nationally politically must be a reason. Well, we are at the bottom in many things, but not this. We also are very rural overall. I don't feel so afraid getting out. I am outside and not around people. The stores are not over run. I don't eat out much and if I do, go like at 2 pm. There is no one eating at 2. I could see how scary it is in cities where you are in close housing and even the streets are full of people. Hoping by summer things are more settled to a "Norm".

I live in a small populated state overall but with lots of big politicians always in the news. Our governor has been extremely conservative about managing Covid and has gotten national recognition and an appointment now. My agency, a mental health provider, got us approved pronto, the first week in Jan. I text to get on the list and was told to come that day. If I did not, it could be delayed by a lot. So I take my 2nd dose next week. I do telehealth and hope to get in the office soon, now. It feels strange as a FB friend in TX that is a nurse with a master's degree who is a specialist in disease control and epidemiology in Houston just got hers yesterday. She is in Houston at a hospital, and its numbers are high. Why it took so long there, I do not know.

His name was Tyler. Woody to his military comrades. TK to his college friends. Typhootie to his aviation friends. Big Daddy T, T-Diddy, or the Bens to the church youth. He was daddy to his only child. And he was mine. ❤️

Here we are. The top of the holiday season. WE made it through Thanksgiving. AND Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza and NYE's is coming up. (Hope I am not missing more holidays.) It is a tough time for so many of us. I am on my 8th holiday season without my LH. My wedding anniversary, which would have been my 30th, is the 29th to add salt to the wound. And Thanksgiving was literally just me and my son this year due to Covid. The only one ever with just the two of us. What are things folks do to get through? I do self care, AND I still end up sick ( I am psychosomatic with stress.) It is getting easier, and I am so thankful for that. But it is still that time. With a pandemic. And for all you freshly widowed folks, warm thoughts and hugs and know you will get through it. Please folks share. 😃

I try to focus November on thankfulness. Before the Christmas holiday time that can be full of stress, gluttony and sadness, too. Not always in the mood to do so. But given the pandemic, which has altered my holiday season significantly, I am trying to have an attitude of gratitude. I know I have so much to be thankful for. Just a couple memes. Wishing a heart of gratitude in this season. 🙏🏼❤️😊

Thanks for sharing, LF. Always good to hear the joy in new beginnings here, too. Hope for life after great loss. 😊

Good point. Baggage implies a negative connotation. There is a meme out there about finding someone who is willing to carry your luggage, and you carry theirs, too. Maybe more appropriate? 😊

This was hard for me with my former boyfriend. We talked marriage but then didn't get there. He married at 30. He was an officer in the military, played rugby and was stationed in Europe. He had an active singles life. I married the guy I started dating at age 14 and 28 years we had together. He would make comments sometimes about a former girlfriend or something, and if I asked a question, he would ask me if I really wanted to know. I found I did not. It bothered me. I wondered if he could ever really commit to one woman long term. His marriage was 10 years, which is short in my book. I have 3 cousins that married their high school sweethearts. My parents were married 56 years. My brother just celebrated his 43rd wedding anniversary and he has his PhD in marriage and family therapy. We marry and stick it out. So, my ex and I were from completely different backgrounds. His parents were divorced and he has half brothers from his dad's 2 other marriages. I had to work on letting that go if I was to be with him and accept I was not the norm. I had to accept that if I date and marry again, the likelihood is my experience is way different than others. I also had to deal with the pictures in my home of my late husband. I took them down. But we had a big fight when I found out accidently he was still communicating with an ex gf, and it went all over me that my son's father's pictures were bothersome to him, but he could still talk to his ex. He did not understand my feelings, and he could not understand mine. He never had a long term relationship. I was his longest besides his marriage. And I could not understand an attachment to a woman he dated less than 2 years. So, don't ask, don't tell worked for me. I just don't want to know. And so he abided by that. I trusted him until he was found communicating with his ex. But that was because he said he wasn't . If you want it to work, you have to let go of worrying about their past. Easier said than done. I am sure there are folks here that can give better insight. I wish you and your fiance the best.

Hi Nolagirl! First let me preface that I don't have your experience, so take what I write with a grain of salt. There are a lot of unknowns in your post to give a simple yes or no to your question. What I think can be said is that dating and possibly recoupling upsets the apple cart. Your mother has helped with your kids for years, and though she is happy to have you have fun with the new boyfriend, she must have had a vision of what that would look like, and what is happening is not it. So to say she is overreacting? Maybe. But her perception of what a new relationship for you and your kids is not matching, I bet. Your post doesn't note how the kids feel (They are mostly OK with it). I think your kids are certainly old enough for you to move on, and they want you happy but they are adjusting to it, too. Perhaps they voice other feelings to your mom? Perhaps they are acting different around your mom so she feels differently about it? Maybe your kids are OK with it but Mom is not. Teenagers are very egocentric typically, developmentally, so maybe they say they want you happy but then really feel put aside. Or they feel both! Mixed up feelings. I don't think you are selfish. I think from your post, you waited a long time and took care of your kids, and now your kids are older and likely more independent as teens are meant to be. But sharing you may still be hard. With both, maybe a heart to heart talk about it all? Cards on the table and then a plan to manage it all. It's tough, I tell you. I wish your the best! PS I had a MIL that helped me with my son after LH died. I limited it, though, because I didn't want her to be my coparent, and I could manage it. I had only one child. I went to work pt. time because I could and relinquished her of some of her help. She did not like that. I was taking care of my elderly mother, too, so part time work was so I could do both. I waited 4 years to date and then it was fantastic, new, exciting. I did not have my MIL keep my son when I was on a date or overnight out of town. I did not want her to have that responsibility. I did not tell her a lot either. Felt awkward. I eventually moved my son and myself to the town where my NG was living with his kids. I had moved my mother already there for dementia care my town did not have. My MIL quickly up and moved back home, out of state, then. It changed our relationship, but I knew if I recoupled, it would. My MIL. THis is your MOM, so that is a whole different dynamic. Good luck!

I remember the 6 month mark. It was a hard time as reality was hitting. It was not a dream you could wake up from and the reality of all the forced upon changes were in your face. And the anger of the unfairness of it all. I was probably the least PC with people who made statements I could not ignore or tolerate. Everything hurt. My husband was 45 when he died, our son 8. The unfairness for our son left me raging. It is hard. I went to grief group around that time, and it helped me. Please take care and be gentle with yourself.

I have shared here before. I am a Christian. I always have been but as an adult spent a lot of time searching as to why be one. And always stay on the same path. My husband worked with the youth at church 16 years. We were involved in all kinds of aspects of our church. And when he died suddenly in a car accident, the church folks were at my house within 2 hours. My pastor ( a female) walked me through the haze of planning the funeral. The youth he worked with most recently were in college, so they arranged for folks to talk to those kids. It was a loss to our church family. They remodeled the youth area, and it is in his name, now. My faith got me through as my church were the hands and feet as they are supposed to be. I had support for raising my son for years. I moved after 5 years, and I was directed to a new church by my former pastor. They have surrounded us again with love. My son is active in youth, missions trip, etc. He met 3 friends at church camp, we moved in 2 weeks, and they are at the church we now attend. Godwink is what that is. I believe in the life after death, obviously. I believe in forgiveness. I believe we are fall short of the glory and judging is left to God. I believe Jesus opened the door to all who choose to follow him. Everyone has a choice. My nephew is a missionary and has lived in Peru, China (where he met his wife) and now is Abu Dhabi. He speaks Spanish, Mandarin and now Arabic. He has lived where people have no knowledge of Christ. He has lived among Muslims and other denominations. And he has shared how learning about other religions always brings him back to Christianity. Long answer - my faith got me through the darkest days. I wax and wane as I am a fickle human, but God/Jesus are steadfast. Everything else is temporary. Good luck sorting through what you are sorting through.

I was given a gift of the picture presentation put together for my late husband's funeral. It is a digital photo frame. I never got it out of the box. I could not bear to look at it as it was from his funeral. I barely put the pictures together, others did, as he died on a Friday and Sunday was the visitation. Quick. So, I got it out. After a broken relationship post my LH's death, I decided I wanted it out for my son, and maybe me, too. It has been 8 1/2 years. I took most pictures of LH down when I started to date. I decided that was not fair to my son, who was 8 at the time of LH's death, 12 when I started dating. I cried initially upon putting it out. It is a collage of pics from his baby years to our dating in HS, his military years, church youth years, wedding to many of him with our son. I think I could not put it out and that was unfair to my son to be stripped of precious photos of his father. And now it is out and my son just turned 17! I feel good about it. I decided if recoupling is to occur and I can handle all their baggage/history, they can handle a photo frame with my LH and our history. And if divorced, still managing their stuff present and future. It is a trade off I feel is worthy. For me but mostly for my son. Going on 9 years and still dealing with it all.

Minny9, I am sorry you experienced this. Not sure of the whys. Too many possibilities. Hurtful, nevertheless. Covid - some of it likely. Your late wife's family not committed to you anymore. Maybe. My brother lost his wife to cancer and continued to reach out to his stepdaughter (18 and in college when my brother married her mother) and the extended family. The stepdaughter pretty much ended the relationship with his many attempts to engage not reciprocated. He had made her and her husband the executors of his will and for his inheritance, as he never had children. His late wife's extended family really gave all contact up when his late wife's mother passed. It is sad to be expendable. My late husband and I were the hub for family gatherings after my mother moved to our city for support. I enjoyed having Christmas, Easter, birthday celebrations and such. Well, my husband died and doing that all myself was difficult. Things changed with my siblings, even. Then my mother died. Even getting together with my siblings is seldom. It is sad to have connections lost with death. I don't understand the lack of hospitality. We have grown a bit selfish, I think, in our space and unwillingness to share, to be inconvenienced for a day or two. My father's side of the family and my father made every attempt to connect with family when driving somewhere, to stop by and sometimes stay the night. I had a favorite aunt that loved on me when I would fly into her city and stay the night on my way to see my boyfriend turned husband. She treated me like a queen! We don't do that anymore. Add a chair to the table or make the table longer when we have excess. I had college kids stay at my house when touring, singing at churches. I hosted teen youth weekends for Christian retreats. One of my brothers had foreign exchange students for a semester in his home. He and his wife also invited foreign college students over the holidays for meals at the college where he was a professor. They could not go back to their homes always for the long breaks. I miss the extension of grace, which is how I see it. My humble opinion.

I feel you StillWidowed. I did 3 months on Zoosk which was recommended for my age and a good site. I shared a bit here back then, and I am still incredulous. I am a Christian and mean it. I attend church, have a girls group I lead, and I go to a bible study. So, no secrets about my faith and activities. And I swear the men never read my profile. I had a dick pic sent to me while at church. 🙄 I had a guy who just talked to me casually, and we had some common folks on FB. Then he one morning text and wanted a picture and asked how I masturbated. I had the guy speak to me on the phone and then text right after how he wanted me in his bed. I had the guy I spoke to off and on a month. Never committed and no flirty stuff and I bowed out to too many red flags, and then he creeped me with 20 texts in a row. And contacted me a month later to have lunch as he was in the same city. We never went out, and he was all upset with me. I know, nothing like some of your stories or others, but I got off the site and have not jumped in again. I did Christian Mingle with my first try and met a guy that I shared about on here. Didn't work. My brother 16 yrs. my senior has all kinds of ladies. I may look into a professional site next go round. I think profile pics with hats, sunglasses, on a motorcycle or red sports car or bathroom shots shirtless are just ridiculous for us in our 50s. Waiting for my Boaz.....

Hello! Still here, but more as reader than poster. Sorry you had to find us but glad you find the board comforting. IT was a life saver for years for me as I could state things here when I could not to any other folks. It is hard to be a young widow, unnatural and though you work through and move forward, some unique challenges. Definitely growth from early on grief. Please post as you may write just the thing someone needs to hear for that moment in time. And it helps to vent, too.

Love this. My LH died on a Friday morning vehicle accident, visitation on Sunday and funeral on Monday. Whirlwind and a walking body was me. In shock. In a course of events, my MIL picked out every song as I was dealing with something else. My LH was a classic rock DJ for a bit, and it did not fit well to have only traditional old hymns. I did, however, get our only two nephews to sing "I'll Fly Away" as they had at my father's funeral. My LH loved that and had it on his play list. IT was upbeat and people still tell me they loved it. 2 years later, a woman from church died after her 3 round of cancer. Kids my son's age and younger. They had time to plan it. They played several songs, had the most beautiful program with pictures, quotes and stories, and then led out the service with dancing to the "Oh When the Saints Go Marching In." I always wondered how much she planned her funeral.

The pod cast is long. But so informative. And so helpful to me with all I went through. The author and expert, Dr. Patricia Papernow, states the divorced children will always have a loss with the new coupling, as the parent turns to the new mate. So the loyalty bind is there. And the divorced parent must respond to the child, but in so, turns away from the new mate. So, the new mate is always feeling rejected and hurt from this. The new mate is an outsider, always, to the previous family which consists of the ex, too. So, there is so much to deal with. I had so much hurt and would get so upset and now I know why. I lost my mate and the rejection and always being on the outside was intolerable on top of my loss. And I can't relate well to the divorce as death is not the same. So, anger, resentment and hurt grew, and I criticized and avoided/withdrew.😔 It truly is something incredible for families that make it work. Not impossible, but so much on the new mate, especially a stepmother, to manage being the outsider and sucking it up and needing support from the divorced parent who can't always give it right away. And the divorced parent caught in the middle and feeling a failure to the new mate, but the bond with the children is stronger and is priority. So, learning about new things to make good choices. That is my interpretation from the pod cast. Good luck with all this. Hard stuff.

Yes, I am reading up. This may not apply to many of you but maybe some..... And it still applies in ways with adult children, especially if you don't have adult children who are independent. Geez, it is A-MAZING for those that work all this out. Just saying. 😉 7 Tips for Parenting, Stepparenting, and Discipline in Stepfamilies Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce. Stepfamilies are generally easier for children eight and under, and for boys. They are harder for girls (including, in my experience, for adult daughters of older recoupling dads). They are especially hard for young teen girls. Stepparents everywhere seem to want more limits and boundaries with their stepchildren. Parents everywhere seem to want more loving and understanding for their children. Hands down, “authoriTATIVE parenting” is best for children on every measure imaginable, including bringing children through difficult transitions like divorce and becoming a stepfamily. Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm: Loving: Authoritative parents are responsive, warm, and empathic. Firm: Authoritative parents calmly set moderately firm limits and they make developmentally appropriate demands for maturity. Until and unless stepparents have forged a caring, trusting relationship with kids, parents need to retain the disciplinary role. My guideline for stepparents is, “connection before correction.” This very often takes years, not months! Once stepparents have forged a caring relationship, they can move slowly into an authoritaTATIVE (loving and moderately firm) disciplinary role. There are many healthy, thriving stepfamilies where stepparents do not have a disciplinary role. AuthoriTARIAN parenting by stepparents is almost always toxic. Authoritarian parenting is not loving or warm. It is firm and hard. Authoritarian parenting often uses negative labels (“You’re lazy.” “You’re a slob.”), rather than positive requests (“I’d love it if you’d pick up your toys.”) Meanwhile, successful stepcouples do work as a team. Often stepparents can help parents to firm up a bit. Parents can help stepparents to understand their children. Stepparents have input. Parents have final say about their own children. Successful stepcouples face the same challenges that struggling stepcouples do. Successful stepcouples communicate frequently and constructively. They discuss their parenting differences with kindness and caring. Struggling stepcouples criticize and/or avoid.