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trying2breathe

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  • Date Widowed
    8/1/13
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack


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  1. SW Thanks for your comment, and hope that you and yours are doing well. ^^ Yes, that feeling is sometimes there. It's my harsh reality that this relationship is lacking right now. He usually does say sweet things to me, but lately that hasn't been the case. We've had some hard conversations this past week, and I still hang in there with him. I let him know that I'm moving forward in looking for a new place, and will move whether we're together or not. I won't put my life on hold to wait and see what happens with him, am working on being in a better mental state and not let this relationship drag me down. There's so much to be depressed about these days, and it's getting to me. It's kind of like the feeling where there's so much going on right now that a quick decision shouldn't be made. Not like widow grief, but a general sadness of all that's happening right now. Sigh ... a gray cloud is overhead, I hope better days are coming soon.
  2. arneal It's good of you to take care of your late husband's belongings and plan to ship them to his daughter. Even with her sense of entitlement and general disrespect towards you. It sounds like there are valued treasures in those belongings, and I imagine it feels good to take care of where he would want those treasures to go. I'm finishing up the purge of my married household, and there's still some things to move along. The kids don't want much at all, DD has a few of his t-shirts that she wears, DS didn't want anything at all. I'm sad that DS has refused everything, including his mountain bike that he would ride on cycling trips with his Dad. DH died while biking, and my son hasn't been a bicycle since. My son was an avid cyclist, and I hope that someday he's able to get back into it. With the pandemic, I dusted off my old bicycle and started riding more - emotional for me to get into it but it's been a good thing. NG - sigh. We've had some hard conversations lately that haven't gone well at all. Because we were getting nowhere, I told him that moving in together wouldn't happen right now, I needed to put it off for awhile. The thing is - I want to move, want a yard for my dog and to get out of high HOA fees. I don't know whether to move forward without him, or wait for him. Or maybe give it a little more time ... ? I need a peaceful relationship without strife, a soft place to land. This isn't us right now. I'm so sad. Not ready to throw it away after almost 4 years, but I'm getting closer to making a hard decision about what's right for both of us. I'm lucky that his exes aren't manipulative, we have that going for us at least. My son doesn't share much with me about the fires, as he thinks I worry too much - but he says that the smoke is clearing and he's able to get out more. He starts grad school studying forest ecosystems, timely as there's a lot for him to study with all that's going on right now. Those gender reveals need to be outlawed - ! I escaped a Cat 4 hurricane once - took photo albums and my dog and didn't look back. No regrets!
  3. trying2breathe

    Reliving events

    Tigerlilly I also relived my husband's passing, it took awhile before I was okay with how things happened. Eventually, as PaulZ says, you will smile when you think of him. For me, the shock gradually began to wear off, reality settled in and slowly, slowly, I started to feel better. I'm so sorry that you've joined us here, I can understand the feelings that you are having.
  4. trying2breathe

    Hi

    Tigerlilly In those early days, I did just what was necessary. Some days it was getting out of bed and not much else, there were a lot of pajama days as I called them. Take care of just what is needed, and ask for help with the rest. I didn't act on it but remember not caring if I lived or died, but those feelings did pass. If you are thinking of taking those tablets, please reach out. Grief is overwhelming, and the early days are so very difficult but with time, it softens. You are not alone -
  5. That's a tough one, arneal - to continue to store LH's belongings not having a plan on how to pass them along. Maybe give his daughter a date to collect his things, if she doesn't do this let her know you will sell what you can and send her a check? I'm all about purging right now - 7 years out and FINALLY got rid of a storage unit full of my married household furnishings with DH. It feels so good to pass these things along, and at last I'm in a good place emotionally to manage this now. I found an estate sale person and she's managing it, there may be somebody near you like this that can do something like this for you? Yeah - the emotional connection, I can't think of a hard definition of what this is but I just know that he's still connected to his ex. It's interesting and I'm kind of amazed that somehow I've managed to move forward from my late husband. I will love DH forever, it was a great relationship that sadly came to a sudden end and I'll forever think of him with loving memories. But I no longer dwell on what was, what could have been, our future together. I remember our anniversaries, his birthday, but have come to accept that he's no longer here. I no longer actively grieve, and it feels good to say this. I think NG still grieves the relationship with his ex-wife. They had an unresolved situation that he still wonders about, it must be a tough thing to continue to deal with for him. Sigh ... glad to figure some of this out and I appreciate your response on this. Hope you continue to stay well, news on fires from California is getting a little better I think?
  6. trying2breathe

    Hi

    Tigerlilly I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. In the early days after my 49 y/o husband died I found a lot of comfort in the predecessor to this site. There are many here also that understand loss of a spouse and can provide comfort. I found it helpful to journal in my early days, and every day carved time out to actively grieve. Take care of yourself, drink water, eat when you can, know that you are not alone. A gentle hug to you ~
  7. Thank you, arneal. Stressful time right now, for all of us. I feel the pressure especially with what my kids are dealing with. The fires are so horrific, I'm so sad to see what's going on in California and Oregon and hope that you and yours continue to stay safe. Has your aunt's nephew been in touch? I'm coming to terms with NG's messages to his ex, it would be nice to get a sweet message like the one he sent from an ex years out from divorce. He's very sentimental and gets teary eyed sometimes when he talks about his past, and not just about his ex. The conversation continues on whether to live together, and I'm just not ready. I want to move but I don't want to get a house together and move in with him - and finally I'm figuring out the reasons why. One that he is somewhat still emotionally attached to his ex. I think he has good intentions towards her, but it takes away from our relationship. He will disagree with me when I point this out to him, and try to spell out that this isn't true - but it is what it is, and there's nothing that I can or want to do about it other than bring awareness to it. And decide whether it's a breaking point in our relationship. I trust him and have had no doubts that he's loyal - physically - but an emotional connection is a different kind of thing. Yuck on sharing intimate details - how inappropriate to share with a daughter! Most kids don't want any kind of details on what their parents do in the bedroom, I'm surprised that she would have brought something like this up with you. Will you store those things for her for awhile? I've been purging a storage unit, and my kids wanted very little. They're just not into furnishings and what can be passed down to them, a millennial thing I guess.
  8. trying2breathe

    Old pictures of my LH are now new

    tybec What a gift to have this for you and your son. Old pictures now new - love this. Hope you are doing well, it's good to hear from you.
  9. Mid September already, this year has been crazy. The last six months seem like a blur, hope that everybody reading is healthy and staying safe. DD at college tested positive with covid, she has minor symptoms and is doing okay thankfully. DS is in the midst of fires in the Northwest, has a bag packed and is ready to evacuate if needed. Ad Litem work has been hectic, I've had two weeks of crisis level cases to manage and it's been stressful. Turmoil with NG continues - mostly from me. He's great, steady and stable, I just can't seem to get on the same level with him for any length of time. He talks about buying a house together, I'm okay with it and then I'm not - ugh. My emotions are all over the place. Made the mistake of going into his phone - 3 1/2 years with him and I have never done this - to check messages and see what's going on. He continues communication with his ex-wife, friendly messages and to stay in touch about kids. Found a message last year where he wished her a happy anniversary, remembered their special beach wedding and said that even though they're not together she will always hold a special place in his heart. Gulp - should not have gone there. Sweet message to his ex - not sure how I should feel about it. This is probably not a good time to make a quick decision about our relationship, I feel so stressed with everything going on. Trying to keep on keeping on ... sigh
  10. Yes, happy mid-August. Seems like it was just March ... ! 🙁 Good to hear updates and that you all are doing okay. Things have been okay here, my circle stays small and it's worked out fine so far. DD is back at school, DS moved to the Northwest to begin grad school there - I fear for their health as young people aren't always as careful as they should be. Staying isolated has been tiring for me, I really miss social interaction and the relationship with NG lately has been suffering because of it. Cohabitating conversation continues to come up and I'm realizing that my resistance to this it is not just about his non-supportive eldest daughter. Isolation has been good for introspection - we've had the opportunity to further work on some relationship issues. Sorry to hear that you've not had support from your church, arneal, and hope that you find connection with one soon.
  11. trying2breathe

    Need perspective on Brother-in-law

    Lopez. Things take on a much different perspective after the death of a spouse. Asking for movies seems intrusive, and I would have felt the same. I probably would be thinking - my husband died and you're asking for something as trivial as this??! But I don't think that you're wrong - it's a matter of perspective. Those movies to your BIL might seem to be a lost connection to his brother. Consider having a conversation with him to see what this is about - he might be trying to keep some kind of connection with his brother?
  12. It's interesting, arneal, that your LH's daughter felt so comfortable with you, obviously you were a stable relationship in her life. My daughter said to me the other day that she appreciates that NG never takes a discipline or authoritative role in her life. He's there and available when asked, but only then. The bond my kids share with NG is strong, I can only wish to have this kind of relationship someday with his daughters. Hurtful to be the outsider, for sure. Once I figured out that blending was no picnic, I pretty much turned away from moving towards committing and co-habitating with him. The loyalty bind is strong for his daughters with their step mother, NG's second wife. But there doesn't seem to be a loyalty bind to their bio-mother at all, which I find curious. Everybody is re-coupled but the stepmother is single, suspect that if she were to re-couple, his daughters wouldn't feel as protective towards her. I'm not included in any family gatherings when his exes are there, NG says it would be too strange. I have a close relationship with my in-laws and NG is not included in on that, and if it's up to me they will never meet. So a division of our lives, kept apart and separate - seems easier this way but yet it's a division. I realize that NG is an outsider in my continuing relationship with my in-laws. I think that NG and I have it relatively easy, as our young adult kids are independent and for the most part on their own. Yet our kids opinions and actions are far reaching and affects us far more than I thought possible. ^Yes! Hard to say but in a selfish comparative kind of way, in my mind widowhood trumps divorce. Being widowed, I've experienced enough pain and certainly don't need to sign up for any more.
  13. tybec Thanks so much for posting the 7 Tips, can so relate to what is there. Will listen to the podcast when I get a chance. Interesting that becoming a stepfamily is more difficult than divorce - hmm .... and interesting also that a trusting relationship with kids can take years - wow!! arneal Will you share the title of the book on burnout? edited to add Sorry to hear of the struggles, CW. Sounds like a very frustrating situation to deal with!
  14. SW Between budding and fully committed - three and a half years in and I feel like my relationship is committed but not fully in. Like some others have posted, I don't want to deal with his kids, exes and baggage. I like having my own place, and take care of what I need to with little drama. Feel like I can't take on NG's kids right now. Whether living apart can last long term, I don't know - he wants the ring, white picket fence, the works. I'm happy the way things are right now - time will tell.
  15. Gosh it's so quiet here. A good thing I guess? My Dad passed away two weeks ago. He was on lockdown in his nursing facility, and in isolation having just come back from the hospital. What a strange experience, going through loss during this - a lovely nurse at his facility gave us time with Dad in his final moments. For that I'll be forever grateful, but damn - I would liked to have been there for those final moments. Grief of my father - sad but nothing like losing a spouse. I had a troubled relationship with my father for many years but chose to reconcile in later years. And for that I'm grateful. Miss you Dad, but I know you're now in a better place. ❤️

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    8/1/13
  • Cause of death
    Heart attack


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