trying2breathe

Thank you, arneal. Stressful time right now, for all of us. I feel the pressure especially with what my kids are dealing with. The fires are so horrific, I'm so sad to see what's going on in California and Oregon and hope that you and yours continue to stay safe. Has your aunt's nephew been in touch? I'm coming to terms with NG's messages to his ex, it would be nice to get a sweet message like the one he sent from an ex years out from divorce. He's very sentimental and gets teary eyed sometimes when he talks about his past, and not just about his ex. The conversation continues on whether to live together, and I'm just not ready. I want to move but I don't want to get a house together and move in with him - and finally I'm figuring out the reasons why. One that he is somewhat still emotionally attached to his ex. I think he has good intentions towards her, but it takes away from our relationship. He will disagree with me when I point this out to him, and try to spell out that this isn't true - but it is what it is, and there's nothing that I can or want to do about it other than bring awareness to it. And decide whether it's a breaking point in our relationship. I trust him and have had no doubts that he's loyal - physically - but an emotional connection is a different kind of thing. Yuck on sharing intimate details - how inappropriate to share with a daughter! Most kids don't want any kind of details on what their parents do in the bedroom, I'm surprised that she would have brought something like this up with you. Will you store those things for her for awhile? I've been purging a storage unit, and my kids wanted very little. They're just not into furnishings and what can be passed down to them, a millennial thing I guess.

tybec What a gift to have this for you and your son. Old pictures now new - love this. Hope you are doing well, it's good to hear from you.

Mid September already, this year has been crazy. The last six months seem like a blur, hope that everybody reading is healthy and staying safe. DD at college tested positive with covid, she has minor symptoms and is doing okay thankfully. DS is in the midst of fires in the Northwest, has a bag packed and is ready to evacuate if needed. Ad Litem work has been hectic, I've had two weeks of crisis level cases to manage and it's been stressful. Turmoil with NG continues - mostly from me. He's great, steady and stable, I just can't seem to get on the same level with him for any length of time. He talks about buying a house together, I'm okay with it and then I'm not - ugh. My emotions are all over the place. Made the mistake of going into his phone - 3 1/2 years with him and I have never done this - to check messages and see what's going on. He continues communication with his ex-wife, friendly messages and to stay in touch about kids. Found a message last year where he wished her a happy anniversary, remembered their special beach wedding and said that even though they're not together she will always hold a special place in his heart. Gulp - should not have gone there. Sweet message to his ex - not sure how I should feel about it. This is probably not a good time to make a quick decision about our relationship, I feel so stressed with everything going on. Trying to keep on keeping on ... sigh

Yes, happy mid-August. Seems like it was just March ... ! 🙁 Good to hear updates and that you all are doing okay. Things have been okay here, my circle stays small and it's worked out fine so far. DD is back at school, DS moved to the Northwest to begin grad school there - I fear for their health as young people aren't always as careful as they should be. Staying isolated has been tiring for me, I really miss social interaction and the relationship with NG lately has been suffering because of it. Cohabitating conversation continues to come up and I'm realizing that my resistance to this it is not just about his non-supportive eldest daughter. Isolation has been good for introspection - we've had the opportunity to further work on some relationship issues. Sorry to hear that you've not had support from your church, arneal, and hope that you find connection with one soon.

Lopez. Things take on a much different perspective after the death of a spouse. Asking for movies seems intrusive, and I would have felt the same. I probably would be thinking - my husband died and you're asking for something as trivial as this??! But I don't think that you're wrong - it's a matter of perspective. Those movies to your BIL might seem to be a lost connection to his brother. Consider having a conversation with him to see what this is about - he might be trying to keep some kind of connection with his brother?

It's interesting, arneal, that your LH's daughter felt so comfortable with you, obviously you were a stable relationship in her life. My daughter said to me the other day that she appreciates that NG never takes a discipline or authoritative role in her life. He's there and available when asked, but only then. The bond my kids share with NG is strong, I can only wish to have this kind of relationship someday with his daughters. Hurtful to be the outsider, for sure. Once I figured out that blending was no picnic, I pretty much turned away from moving towards committing and co-habitating with him. The loyalty bind is strong for his daughters with their step mother, NG's second wife. But there doesn't seem to be a loyalty bind to their bio-mother at all, which I find curious. Everybody is re-coupled but the stepmother is single, suspect that if she were to re-couple, his daughters wouldn't feel as protective towards her. I'm not included in any family gatherings when his exes are there, NG says it would be too strange. I have a close relationship with my in-laws and NG is not included in on that, and if it's up to me they will never meet. So a division of our lives, kept apart and separate - seems easier this way but yet it's a division. I realize that NG is an outsider in my continuing relationship with my in-laws. I think that NG and I have it relatively easy, as our young adult kids are independent and for the most part on their own. Yet our kids opinions and actions are far reaching and affects us far more than I thought possible. ^Yes! Hard to say but in a selfish comparative kind of way, in my mind widowhood trumps divorce. Being widowed, I've experienced enough pain and certainly don't need to sign up for any more.

tybec Thanks so much for posting the 7 Tips, can so relate to what is there. Will listen to the podcast when I get a chance. Interesting that becoming a stepfamily is more difficult than divorce - hmm .... and interesting also that a trusting relationship with kids can take years - wow!! arneal Will you share the title of the book on burnout? edited to add Sorry to hear of the struggles, CW. Sounds like a very frustrating situation to deal with!

SW Between budding and fully committed - three and a half years in and I feel like my relationship is committed but not fully in. Like some others have posted, I don't want to deal with his kids, exes and baggage. I like having my own place, and take care of what I need to with little drama. Feel like I can't take on NG's kids right now. Whether living apart can last long term, I don't know - he wants the ring, white picket fence, the works. I'm happy the way things are right now - time will tell.

Gosh it's so quiet here. A good thing I guess? My Dad passed away two weeks ago. He was on lockdown in his nursing facility, and in isolation having just come back from the hospital. What a strange experience, going through loss during this - a lovely nurse at his facility gave us time with Dad in his final moments. For that I'll be forever grateful, but damn - I would liked to have been there for those final moments. Grief of my father - sad but nothing like losing a spouse. I had a troubled relationship with my father for many years but chose to reconcile in later years. And for that I'm grateful. Miss you Dad, but I know you're now in a better place. ❤️

Thanks so much for posting this, tybec. I started out motivated and project oriented and also have fizzled out. Lately it's an effort to keep food on the table and a tidy house. I'm lucky to have a dog that needs walking every day, it's been my sanity lately. Hope you are okay these next few weeks, its good to check in with each other and feel support. Thanks!

Happy belated Birthday, tybec! Weird time for sure. Cheers to better times ahead :)

Again quiet here, hope everybody is doing okay. I'm frightened with the continuing news, and so very sad about the many deaths. It's a surreal world right now, hoping that we all come out of this enlightened and somehow better to have gone through this all. NG and I continue isolated from each other, I'm fine and he's kind of not. He' says he struggling with not being together physically and just communicating by phone. Our circles are both small, immediate family and for him two colleagues. I'm thinking that maybe we can be together this weekend for Easter. How is everybody coping with distancing and isolating? I've been getting into more work detail, hiking with my dog and finding on-line exercise videos. Catching up with friends, trying to eat healthy, and organize the house a bit more. Watching much more tv than I ever have, including 3rd season of Ozark and Tiger King. 😜 I'm happy to have my daughter with me, looks like she will be here the rest of the summer taking her on-line college courses. Grateful to have support of family & friends, and to be doing okay right now. Hope that you all are too.

Daughter and I are isolating, altho NG was here for dinner a few times this past week. NG and I plan to be apart for awhile, and I feel like it will be fine. The relationship is in need of a break anyway. As CW posts, it's a realization to see who our real family is and I feel completely fine with it. I'm sad to not be able to see my Dad in a nursing home, and not visiting my 84 y/o Mom at home. Keeping up with everybody thru FaceTime and phone calls. Strange world right now. Hope everybody is doing okay.

Hope you continue to stay well, Bunny. And a wish for a good response to treatment for your BF. Strange new world that we're in now, grateful also for the ability to stay connected through technology.

sudnly Sorry to hear of your struggles - it's a hard time to be going through family strife while all of this virus craziness is going on. Upsetting that your daughter isn't being supportive of you right now. Hope that you are safe, get those meds soon and have strength to continue toughing it out. Kids - I don't think that there's any guarantee that they will provide support or comfort to us. I tried my best in providing love and support for my two young adult kids, and now try to deal with them more like adults as they become independent. Not easy. The hardest part of parenting for me was learning when to pull back and let my kids figure things out on their own. When to watch them fail, fall and get back up again - especially when I thought that a failure was about to happen. It's been interesting to see my kids reacting to this new world. This topic is probably better suited for the Wids with Children thread - maybe I'll post there. Work has slowed a lot - not easy to work from home. I try to self isolate as much as possible, but get out to visit my 84 y/o Mom to deliver food, etc. She's struggling, her life has shut down, she's very social and struggling to no longer have those connections. Dad is in lockdown at a nursing home - I'm sad to not be able to visit but it's where he needs to be right now. NG - sigh ... took some time off from seeing him, talked with him about his behavior at the BBQ - he was aware and upset that he was in that condition and apologized to me, and later to my daughter and Mom. Said that he was stressed at the world craziness, drank before going to my brother's house, continued drinking there. Funny that when he apologized to my daughter and Mom, they both told him that it was fine - no problem. So I'm questioning whether I'm too hard on him, expectations of him too high - whether my family avoids conflict and doesn't really want to go there, something else? He's direct, won't hesitate to address an issue, my Mom and daughter not so much. So we're talking, taking it day to day. I miss him, not sure what the future holds. Hate that I sometimes feel like a parent when I'm with him, not my job. Could use a therapy session, but I think I'll wait to see somebody in person. Hope that everybody stays healthy!

strongdeb So sorry to see you here, losing a spouse is life changing. There are many here that can relate. The predecessor of this site was a source or great comfort to me in the early days, I hope that this site can offer the same for you.

Thank you, arneal. You provide words of comfort and wisdom. It would be great if he spoke up first, but I'm not expecting this. He knows something is off and he may not know why. At the least I owe him an explanation of how I feel. I don't know why NG would have been uncomfortable - he's been with my family many times over the past few years. I realize that this is my perspective of his experience. It was embarrassing - he was visibly and very significantly impaired in front of my family and friends. And if he's not aware of his level of impairment, well that's a whole 'nother level that I don't know if I can deal with. I remember your post about BF mentioning how he appreciated somebody cooking for him and didn't want to screw it up. My DH did the same with my cooking, he would not return for seconds and would be polite in putting the dishes away. I would realize that maybe it was a dish that he didn't like and he would reluctantly talk about it. Maybe it's kinder in a man's mind to not be forward about these kinds of things? I don't know - NG has been fully accepted by my family, I thought he knew this. To deal with his emotions by getting drunk-high-whatever - in front of family - is not acceptable.

arneal I'm doing okay, good to hear that you are doing well. I'm glad that life for you goes on with little disruption. I'm encouraging my 84 y/o mother to slow down and think before she heads out on her usual errands. She's so stubborn and tells me that she can't stop her life. We're early on in the process, have to wonder what this will be like in 4 weeks and beyond. Yup - shelter in place. Gives me a chance to clear out my space. With DD home from college, she sorted her upstairs bedroom closet and will work on the rest of her bedroom drawers this week. My Dad's house will be sold soon, and we'll use it to sell some household items there too. Gives me a bit of an uplift to know that some downtime means that progress can be made to sort, organize and purge some excess stuff. I'm a few days in not contacting NG, trying to figure out whether to move forward with him. On Sunday my brother had a gathering - my mom, daughter, NG and his daughter and a few neighbors for a BBQ. NG's daughter was super quiet and left early, strange. NG words and actions that afternoon were so different than the man that I know, and very offensive to me. My mom and daughter both mentioned later that he was slurring his words, and my daughter said that she thought that maybe he was high. Haven't talked to him about what was going on yet, I'm so po'd about his "impairment". Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about his use of pills or weed but going to a family gathering under the influence - WTF!! This might be IT with him. I don't know if I should give him a chance to explain. My boundaries have shifted the past few years but I'm not willing to put up with this kind of s***, regardless of the explanation. Sigh..... I'm sad and trying to process a lot right now. Hope everybody is staying healthy and active as much as possible. Strange new world that we're in now.

So very sorry to hear, it's terrible timing and difficult enough in those early days to navigate the widow journey. In my early dark days, I had the distraction of work but also embraced - needed - my alone time. I used it to journal and make an evening grieving ritual that I kept for awhile. Even though we all are encouraged to social distance, just know that you are not alone. Big hugs to you -

Good to get updates, it's been so quiet here lately. NG and I continue to bumble along, some progress on co-habitating but no solid plan and that's fine with me. I continue to question whether we should be together, he's a good man but there are some issues lately that have me worried about our future together. With the recommendation of social distancing may take some time to be apart for a little while and figure things out. Jules, the retirement village sounds like a great idea! I also can imagine a future without a partner. ^^ Yes!

Wish I had the filter to not say something, a lot of times I do. I understand those that complain that don't know my history. But for those "friends" that do know - really??!! Is it too much to expect people to think before they speak?

Oh Bunny, I'm so very sorry to hear this news. It's not fair that you have to deal with this once again, with a life partner. Edited to add: I hope that your boyfriend is on the good side of 50%, with a healthy life ahead of him.

Wow, that's no friend. Seems to me that she's got some pretty big issues to sort out, sorry that you had to hear those insensitive comments.

Thanks for the ideas, thinking I’m sticking with just the card. Gifted him a massage for his birthday in October and he still hasn’t cashed it in 😜 It gets to the point where it’s a gift just for the sake of giving a gift, I have a hard time with this so gonna pass on giving this year. I’m not expecting anything either - being together is enough. arneal Sounds like you’ve got a lot of energy going, hope your birthday lunch was fun. Not much leisure time here because of my Dad’s care, and I usually have to light a fire under my guy to get out. He’s got a bum knee these days so it’s been hard to get out and do much but oh well - this too shall pass. Hope you enjoy your Birthday! 🎉

Thanks arneal - it's good to catch up here every once in awhile. Hope our other "treaders" are doing well too. The belated birthday gift to your NG sounds interesting ... glad that he liked it. My NG is very low-key and cautious too, he's had some great opportunities that he may have turned down that I encouraged him to pursue. I think I bring an openness and a what do you have to lose mentality that's been a different way of thinking for him. Part of that widowhood shift in trying to live life in a fuller way with no regrets? Posting about gifting and it makes me think about maybe finding something nice for NG. Yes it's a contrived holiday, and it's a switch from what I normally do but it would be nice to get him a little something. Any ideas on what to gift your boyfriend for Valentine's Day? Would appreciate a male perspective on this too 🙂