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trying2breathe

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Everything posted by trying2breathe

  1. Yes, the holidays bring strong emotions and my relationship suffers. I tend to get quiet and introspective, not my usual self - and take time off from him. I could get nitpicky about what he is or isn't doing, but it's not just him - no other way to explain it but widowhood. I guess it shouldn't be surprising that 6+ years out, and still this grief comes up for me. Fourth holiday together, arneal - this is our 3rd Thanksgiving together, time is flying! We will celebrate Thanksgiving with my family, and leave on Friday to spend the weekend with his brother and extended family, first time that I will meet many of them. It feels good to be moving forward with him. It's been a bumpy road, not sure what the future brings but I'm working on enjoying in the meantime. Happy Thanksgiving!
  2. tybec Interesting stuff - coincidence as I did go back and read through this thread, wondering how my relationship had evolved. And I see that the same issues keep coming up with us. Found the EFT video that you shared, and I was looking into finding an EFT therapist as it seems to fit my situation too. So thank you for sharing that. I'm also realizing that widowhood has left me scared to fully commit, and not willing to give it my all. Craziness indeed. Strange how we can slowly change ourselves to suit a situation, how this creeps up on us and looking back we wonder how it happened.
  3. Oh, Rob - so sorry to hear this. Prayers to you, and a big gentle hug too.
  4. Thank you, arneal - I really appreciate you sharing this. NG was here for dinner, I tried but didn't get my point across very well. We're in a pattern where I get mad, later we talk about it, the conversation goes nowhere and nothing changes. I feel like a nagging girlfriend, and that I'm making the relationship more complicated than it needs to be. Bottom line, I'm not happy. Maybe it is time to call a professional.
  5. It will be interesting to see how the kitty responsibilities work out - hope that all goes well with this. NG has a certain way with my dog, I'm the heavy with discipline and he's not - lets her get away with a lot whereas I don't. Learning process for both of us, I've learned to let go with things that don't matter too much. Thanks for the technique idea, I was trying to think of a way to let him know again that I need more support from him, or let him know that we won't be together when I'm feeling emotionally stretched. Not sure if I can continue in a relationship in this way, honestly haven't dealt with a partner that doesn't give me support in this way. He happily backs me up with stuff I need done but is not there to hear details, discuss what I'm going through, give a hug. I'm not crying in the corner but not my normal happy self, but it's like he can't stand to hear my pain. sigh .....
  6. Hey arneal - how's it going with the new kitty? I remember fondly my cat from my single days, sadly I became allergic and dealt with it, eventually became a dog person. Taking a few days break with NG while I'm dealing with my Dad. It's hard to manage my Dad's affairs and have NG here too - I don't feel emotionally supported by him and it doesn't work out well if he's around. He's a meat & taters, fix it kind of man and so far hasn't dealt well - to me - with my emotional needs. This continues to come up between us, and whether I'll want to continue to try to make it with him - I don't know. We've talked about this many times, nothing changes. Love him dearly, but can't get past this. He can fix things, can't fix emotions and shouldn't try. To just be there and be supportive - not in his wheelhouse. 🙁
  7. Congrats on the kitty, arneal. Maybe a new addition to the family will liven things up a bit? Good to hear that your electronics are back to normal! I also feel the seasonal thing, along with the hour time change I'm in a funk too. I think that it's aggravated with all that's going on with my Dad - also trying to stay in my lane and keep these cranky emotions to myself. Not easy! I'm learning that NG is not good with this side of me, he wants to fix it and there's no fix for this, just gotta wade through it. I've thought of my late husband more this week than I have in a long time - I really really miss him, and it's strange to say this with a new man in my life that I love very much. Tomorrow is my birthday - meh. Don't feel like celebrating, just want this one to be over with.
  8. I get it too, stillwidowed. Intuition kicks in and you just know. I dated a guy several years ago that after 3 dates, asked me to dinner at his house. I didn't go - not that I didn't feel safe, just that I wasn't ready for that kind of comfortableness that soon. I believe that a home date can imply more than just a meal, maybe there are some guys out there that don't think about this. Wow, tybec - thank goodness it was just lunch!
  9. sudnly Sorry to hear that you're dealing with some abusive family members. Glad you're in a good place with your ex right now, stay safe! Sunday was NG's birthday, tried to make it a good day for him and I think he appreciated it. Gifted him the massage and a hoodie - awkwardly he opened his presents. Guess receiving gifts isn't one of his love languages?? So I told him that the hoodie was from the dog 😃 he laughed and then he was kind of okay with it. Made his favorite dinner, watched the Pats game, a relaxing afternoon for the most part. Then I got a call that my Dad was in the ER - and I left to manage getting him admitted to the hospital. So it's been a stressful week, my 88 y/o Dad moved yesterday from the hospital into rehab, will have a couple of weeks there and we'll see where he goes then. I'm glad that he's agreeable so far to what's going on, hasn't always been the case with him. NG has been supportive, and I'm so grateful. Also have the help of my brother that lives here, together we're partnering to take care of my Dad's needs. It's interesting that my children's 4 grandparents are all still with us - all in their mid to late 80's. And their Dad passed away at age 49. sigh ..... Got to a street Halloween party last night, sat in a camp chair and greeted trick or treaters. Had a couple glasses of wine and some chocolate - just what I needed after this week. TGIF!
  10. sugarbell Does your guy know how you feel? Wonder if anything would change, if he knows that you're not moving forward with him, his family situation the way it is. Does he have siblings that can help care for his Mom? She sounds very needy! NG's birthday is this weekend - again I struggle to figure out what to get him. We talked about having dinner together and that's it, but he's been so generous with me and I didn't want to not gift him anything. So ended up getting a spa gift card, he can book a massage or whatever he likes. He's been working so hard lately and it will be appreciated I think. I have a hard time encouraging gift giving, and I'm not sure why. In reality, I do like to get a little something - doesn't have to be expensive or anything, just the thought and effort that counts. But I have a hard time saying it. One of those love language things with me, I guess, but it's hard to express it.
  11. arneal It will be a change having his daughter here, no doubt. I have a heart for young people finding their way and feel like I can offer some support for her, should the opportunity present itself. Definitely don't want to overstep the boundaries as a mere GF though. As NG is kind of clueless in the ways of kids and young women in particular, I'll most likely give more support to him as he adjusts to her move here. My 23 y/o son is at home with me now, plans to be on his way in the next 6 months or so. We can maybe blend a bit with both of our kids and see how it goes. Of NG's two kids, this daughter is more agreeable and open to her Dad being in a new relationship. Thank goodness. I hear you on closing the story and moving forward. Expensive quotes to have LH's things shipped! Can you move the stuff yourself? Maybe consider packing those things yourself into a POD type of storage and then having it shipped? I used a POD for storage for a recent purge of one of my storage units, and it worked well. Not sure what the price of a move with one of those would be though. Good luck!
  12. arneal Thanks for checking in, two years under the same roof? Wow, time really is flying. I can't believe NG and I will have been together three years in January. Things are going alright, we've established a routine and reality has set in. What will change soon is that his 23 y/o, after Christmas, will be quitting her job and moving down to live with him. For the past few years she's had a hard time finding her way, career-wise and personally. NG is nervous, isn't sure how to manage having his daughter around full-time, and fears that it will affect our relationship. NG describes himself as being "Dad Light" - he's twice divorced and when his daughters were very young, they went through shared custody and didn't have their Dad around a lot. I think that having her here is a good time for him to establish a deeper relationship with her and help to get her on her feet. Not sure if she's here for awhile or temporarily, time will tell. Of his two daughters, she is accepting of us so I hope to get to know her better too. Happy to have fall season here, but again I'm dealing with holiday stress - who goes where, when, and with whom. My in-laws are still in on the holiday plans and it stresses me out. Might be time to set some boundaries, and it will be hard to do this. ^ Good way to describe a Chapter 2 relationship, julester. There are things in common and then a lot that isn't, and never really can be. sugarbell My SIL was born in WV, and I witnessed Appalachian culture first hand through her. What you describe is what my brother dealt with, he is now going through a messy divorce with her. After 27 years of marriage there sadly wasn't a peaceful moment between them. That culture seems hard-wired and there may not be a lot you can do to change it. That's huge that he stood up to his mom, good for him!
  13. yes ^^^ That void, I get it. It's always there, but especially for those particular dates. My daughter's 21st birthday was yesterday, she didn't mention it but I know that she thinks of him especially during those milestones. Hugs, sugarbell. Glad that October brings back some normalcy for you.
  14. sudnly Peace as you journey ahead , and find a better place! I can't imagine being around somebody like your sister, please update us when you're settled.
  15. Not integrating with you and your son - there you have it. Would not make for a good relationship for the long haul. His kids will grow up, and not need him as they do now. It's a harsh reality when that happens. I hope that you take time for some self care. Sending big hugs .....
  16. tybec (((hugs))) Sorry that you're going through this. You certainly gave this relationship your best effort, you deserve so much better!
  17. I relate to this as I still have furniture in storage that I am slowly donating, selling and purging. It does feel good to move forward with the process, but it hasn't been easy. As for your couch - how about cutting a small swatch of it for memory's sake?
  18. Yay, tybec - a bittersweet milestone! One that comes with anxiety and added responsibility. I taught my kids to drive and also thought that it should have been Dad's job. Thank goodness for family willing to step in and help out with these kinds of things.
  19. It hasn't been easy for me to hear people's responses either - six years and it's still surreal. In these six years, I've attended several funerals and find myself saying the same stuff that I don't like to hear. I don't know that there really are any good responses to what we deal with. A client shared with me that she lost her daughter in a horrific car accident - only thing I could think to say is "there are no words" and give her a hug. Nothing good about any of this. The one question that I hated in the early days was "how are you?" When asked this I usually responded that I was doing okay - but really??
  20. tybec Good to hear, and so glad that counseling is making a difference! I love therapy, if I had a bottomless bank account I think I'd go every week. Haven't done much couples sessions but I guess it could only help! sudnly It must feel so good to be out of that crazy place - any update on getting your deposit back?
  21. Alma I'm so sorry to find you here, condolences on the loss of your husband.
  22. Yup ^ Not in a tiny town, there are options - but I have the best time with NG. I love and adore this man and when it's just us, it's amazing. Bring in the family - different story. Kids won't blend, I have no desire to blend with his kids either. They most likely feel the same. Live with him? With some well-defined boundaries, maybe someday. Marry him? Hell no.
  23. Gosh well thanks for the kudos on being quiet - I'm no master at it, try but am not always successful! I know that whenever the subject of his daughters comes up, it stresses me out. NG just says "they're kids!" in response to what I consider to be rude behavior and taking advantage of their Dad. Kids that are 23 & 25 and should know better? The behavior is possibly as a result of two divorces and what they went through - I try to give them a bit of leeway in this regard but it isn't easy. My daughter - super social and usually accepting of others - mentioned that she doesn't want to hang out with them either. She wanted a blended family that includes kids, unfortunately this just isn't working out with them right now. Makes me sad. This is a downside of our relationship - and possibly a breaking point if it doesn't get better. sudnly Countdown to the 27th ..... less than 2 weeks?
  24. arneal I hear you on the negativity about kids. And I relate to the difference in kids' upbringing. I've learned to keep my mouth shut about his kids - nothing good will come of it. I don't like this side of myself either. When I started dating I sought out guys with kids, thinking it would be good to have that in common. We're not blending, just trying to co-exist - never knew it would be this difficult. Good luck with the start of school jules, hope that all goes smoothly. Sounds like a busy week for you! tybec So glad that Finally! the ex is being called out on what she is doing. I feel for this child, and hope there aren't lasting effects on him because of her behavior. Best with the counseling session and good to hear from you. DS is home, my house again is full of kids and I'm happy. I'll have a little less time with NG and I think it's a good thing. It will be good to change things up a bit.
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