trying2breathe

sudnly Countdown to the 27th ..... hope that you get your deposit back and all goes well! Toxic place, for sure. Best on selling the camper! It has been quiet here, and I too hope that everybody is healthy and happy. Good to get your update arneal - haha - 2 sets of sheets, so practical. Sounds you have a meat and taters kind of guy too? NG and I bumble along - for the most part all is going okay. He loves to come over, and take care of whatever needs to be done around the house. Our relationship lacks the kind of emotional connection that I like, but I know that I can be extra needy in this area and I'm figuring out how to deal with this. I'm high energy and need lots of activity - he can read and relax on the sofa for hours. We're no closer to living together, depends on which day it is on how I feel about living with him and most days I'm content to keep things as they are. It bothers me that after 2 -1/2+ years there is still no connection with his daughters - unrealistic expectation on my part on how this should go, I guess. And I know that this reflects more on his relationship with them, than my attempt at connecting with them. In the meantime, he's close with both my kids - they're accepting of him and know him well. I can't see living together with him and having his daughters stay with us - it makes me that uncomfortable. Things to think about moving forward. In the meantime, our lives are busy and active - recently dusted off my bicycle and together we ride a 12 mile trail on weekends, fun. It took a long time and feels like I leaped a hurdle getting on a bike again, as DH died of a heart attack while biking - but it feels right. NG and I started bridge lessons and get out socially with other couples which is a good change. And I continue trying to expand my group of girlfriends. Connections as you mention arneal - so important. Summer is coming to a close - DD returns to school in a couple of weeks, DS comes home after a summer internship and not sure what his plans will be. Transition ... learning to accept that it's a good thing.

Wow, no words - just wow

stawcie I had the same questions as I started dating, at a similar time frame out as you. If I thought that it was a relationship worth pursuing, I told him two to three dates in that I was widowed. Some dates I didn't tell - but I knew those relationships weren't long lasting anyway and I didn't want to take the energy to have that conversation. It took me awhile to tell my in-laws that I was dating, although they told me early on that they hoped I would find somebody else. I just didn't feel like sharing the details of my dating life with them. and I was pretty sure that my MIL would want the details. LOL

Happy for you, laurie - enjoy!

Oh Bubu, I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. Banks - ugh - after he died, my banker wanted to just get to the details and pushed to know how my situation could benefit him. While living abroad - no opportunity that I could work as I didn't have a visa - he suggested that I should start working to continue adding to the nest egg. I was so offended. Bankers could use some sensitivity training - my 2 cents

I'm grateful that NG is a mechanic, he helps with so many things like this. And he's teaching both of my kids how to maintain their cars Yeah, agree that pre-owned certified is only as good as the deanship - we've been lucky so far with the ones that we've bought over the years. One of the biggest benefits IMHO getting POC is that there is usually an extended warranty on these cars. So at least there's a few years covered for any big repairs.

Appreciate the information on CarFax, I wasn't sure how thorough the information is there, so thanks. Agree that it's nuts out there, buyer beware. When my son bought his car - certified pre-owned, he was given just one car key. When we asked about a second key, the salesman said that they didn't have one. So it would have been on my son to get a second key made and programmed, over $200. Checked around and found that yes, a second key should be included with the purchase of a certified pre-owned vehicle. I'll add that it was a Subaru dealership - we've had good experience with Subarus but this particular dealership was an exception. Made a fuss about it, and finally we got that second key. Frustrating!

This is a big subject for us, maybe we should start a Car Purchasing thread. Not sure if paying cash gives a better deal, but it does take away figuring out the financing details. My process: each kid had a certain car in mind and an inventory of those vehicles was on-line, so we researched what was available in our area and we pretty much knew going in to the dealership specific cars on the lot we were interested in. Then checked CarFax for history on those particular vehicles. Going in, we already knew the cars we wanted to see, the asking price and car history of those vehicles. Didn't tell the sales person this though. We did some test drives, and went from there. I told my kids to go along with whatever I said 😉 "you can't possibly afford that one!" - in trying to negotiate a better price. Anyway - just my process the last two times. Anybody else have some good car buying tips?

Steph My initial reaction is that he's making a kind gesture and is trying to be helpful. If it were me, I'd let him finish and thank him. And let the patch work wait for another time. Is he interested in dating you?

Blessed indeed, arneal. My Dad insisted on teaching me how to change a tire and check the oil. It's come in handy over the years. As for buying a car, I had to figure that one out on my own. Usually I'm pretty good at negotiating, but it took awhile after DH died to get some of that back.

Peg In the early days I did a lot of journaling - wrote letters to him and put down my deepest thoughts on how I was feeling. I got a special binder and pen just for this, and set aside time in the early evening to write. My concentration wasn't really there, but writing was something that I could do.

Sorry that you are here, Peg, but I think that you will find a welcoming group of people here that can relate to what you're going through. In my earliest days, the predecessor to this site was my lifeline. You don't need to go through this alone, plenty of us can relate to how you are feeling.

Good luck on car buying, Laurie. I bought one soon after DH died and semi-cried through the whole process. Car salesman must have thought I was nuts - I didn't get a good deal and looking back I should have brought somebody with me. Since then, I helped both kids get their cars and it was okay. My daughter helped me downsize a storage unit today to another one half the size and half the price. I'm pretty amazed at what I've been paying good money to store for the past five years. Sort, purge donate .... baby steps

I sure hope that if somebody makes the effort to call somebody out on what they consider to be inadequate parenting, they'd be willing to step up and be supportive. As if widowed parents don't have enough going on. My kids were 14 and 16 when DH died, a bit older and somewhat independent. About a year after DH died, I was called out in group therapy - for ignoring my daughter's needs and allowing her to dally into some drug use. I was mad - here was a group of therapists - none of them parents - telling me that I was doing it wrong. And I wanted to scream that I was trying my best. Ultimately they helped me and my daughter, we were provided attention and support for what we were going through. It was tough but worth it to go through this, I'm not sure if the outcome would be as good as it is today if we hadn't gone through therapy. Maybe a different scenario than what your friend is going through - but my 2 cents.

There's not a day that I don't think of him without regret about not doing more. I've come to accept that maybe it would not have made a difference, but I'll never know. I tried my best, but the woulda, shoulda, couldas run a loop in my mind. Yep, like others here I understand.

Best to on your move, sdnly. The universe is telling you loudly it's time to go and you're taking that cue! I've moved a lot, yes it's a pain but I consider it a fresh start. So glad that you're reconnecting with your sister. Keep us posted on your move!

CJF I did some speed dating a few years ago. It was a little intimidating at first, but everybody was there for the same reason and once it started it was fine. The way this particular event worked - we were grouped according to an age range, women sat and guys moved to a new table every 3 minutes or so. We got feedback later on who was interested and then went on from there. This service gave women the choice on whether or not to meet, and provided all positive responses from the dates. I think this is a good way to vet out people that are truly interested in dating - there are a lot of phonies out there. Agree with Mike that it's so much better than on-line dating. Let us know if you decided to try it out!

RAM What a great post, and congrats on that last paper towards your masters degree! My accomplishment is that I'm sorting, selling, donating and purging three storage units of belongings from my married household. I moved back to the US a year after he died, put all of our household belongings into storage, got a new place that was already furnished and started fresh. It's been in the back of my mind for five years on how to manage this, and it feels good to move forward and make some progress, FINALLY.

Oh, tybec ..... I'm sorry to hear this - you've given your best and it's not surprising to hear that it's come to this. It's good that you've decided to not settle - he's shown time and again to not be there for you. Thinking of you, sending big hugs and good wishes for some peaceful days ahead.

My heart skipped a beat as I read your post, LF. It's so hard to deal with medical situations, doubly so when we've been through it with our departed loved ones. Glad that nothing serious was found - whew!!

I relate, RAM - for me I think there will always be a feeling of being unsettled,. now that DH is gone. Whatever future plans we made died with him and it's been hard to re-adjust to the new reality. I kind of thought that with a new relationship some of this uneasiness would go away, and it really hasn't eased up much at all. It's coming to terms with the new normal, I guess.

I'm with you, sugarbell - when things get complicated I like to go home and play with my toys by myself. I don't want the aggravation or stress of trying to blend. I'm lucky to feel that I am in a full time committed relationship with him, we see each pretty much every day as he lives close. NG would marry me next week too - I tell him that this won't happen so he wants to move in together. Hmmm - we'll see. I'm happy with the way things are right now.

How tragic - so very sorry to hear this. Sadly suicide with young people is far too common these days. Hope that your son is okay ...

Congratulations, all the best to you! You deserve to be happy .....

tybec Meh is right - so sorry that the summer with NG isn't aligning so that you can be together. Summers with kids and the routine changes so much. It seems though that you and NG are both digging your heels in and not willing to compromise to be together. Almost like sabotaging the relationship, now that summer is here. If you really want time together with him, can you work together to make it happen? Kids can stay for a weekend with a friend, and you (or your son?) can miss a band practice or two. What's NG doing on the weekends when he doesn't have his kids? It's easy for me to type out a solution, and of course I don't know the details of what you're dealing with. But it seems that you and NG are two head strong people unwilling to give an inch, in order to be together. I've been there for almost all of my kids' activities, concerts, games, awards, etc. But I've missed a few, when I had something else important going on. For me, it's important that my kids know that I'm there for them, to support their activities and achievements. But I also want them to know that I prioritize myself or my relationship sometimes too.