trying2breathe

It is good to hear that the day was okay for you. Yesterday would have been our 26th wedding anniversary, I didn't know what to expect but the day was a peaceful one. I remember reading five years ago how time softens grief and wondered if I'd ever get here, grateful to know that it's possible on these dates to not have a heavy heart.

Thanks, hadn't really considered that he might have sleep apnea - worth a conversation for sure. He conks out so quickly - and then I'm left to try to drift off while he makes noise. Wish I was a deep sleeper, never have been.

Happy Friday - looking forward to a busy weekend, Mother's Day celebration on Sunday with my in-laws here too, a good thing. arneal Yay on the sister saying hi - kind of makes your heart skip a beat doesn't it? Like now you know you are recognized and belong! 😁 So - question for those of us that share our beds with a partner that snores 😕 Lately NG and I have not had overnights as his snoring is bothering me ALOT. I have some early mornings and really appreciate - need - a good night's sleep. I told him last week that if we ever lived together we would have separate bedrooms. He has tried a few snore devices - a nose thing and some kind of mouth guard - and it hasn't made much of a difference. Does anybody have a snore remedy that works well?

So love this podcast, describes perfectly how I feel about moving on vs. moving forward. I might share this with NG, he struggles sometimes trying to compete with LH. Yes, it must be so strange sometimes, to love a widow.

Attending the birth? Yeah, a little weird ..... I agree with Toosoon - give support but don't go. Even if you were married or living together, I still don't think I'd go!

Oh Bubu - you're a few years in and although I'm no expert it seems that the anxiety and sadness is extreme. Please consider seeing a professional about how you're feeling. I had very dark days for the first months after my DH died, and heavy grief for a couple of years. But the extreme sadness softened over time. It's scary to hear you post that you're in the deepest black hole and scared. Wish I lived closer. Please please call a therapist, let somebody know how you're feeling. Keep us posted - we care.

Happy May! arneal I relate, time does go faster and has greater meaning. I have less, almost no tolerance for drama, and try to focus on what I consider to be priorities. I also need some sense of control, because after DH died I was in a free fall for a long time. I think that the boundaries set with NG gives me some kind of feeling of control, although it's funny to think that there's a way to have control over anything at all. What we do to move forward and be resilient as wids - continues to amaze me.

Thanks, it felt good to give support to him and to the family. NG is struggling to figure out this blending thing too - he misses being a part of this family, and I think he sat next to his ex because it may have seemed awkward to sit somewhere else. We were standing there looking at her, and he took a seat. I give kudos to both of them for keeping it cordial, and staying civil for the sake of the kids. He says that there's nothing there for her, and hasn't been for a long time. I'm pretty sure she didn't expect that I would be there, but there was no reaction that I could sense or awkwardness otherwise. I agree that it's hard to not be in each other's stuff, in a committed relationship. But I want to have the chance to back off and say no, go back to my place and decide to not be there for some of it. And still try to be supportive and keep the relationship going. That would have been awkward, CW. As you say, some groups just shouldn't mix, at least for vacation.

So I did attend the funeral, I was by his side for support and there was little drama. BIL said said that it was good to see us there. As NG and I walked into the sanctuary for the service, NG chose to sit next to his ex, who happened to be sitting by herself. I stuck out my hand and introduced myself and then sat down, NG between us. Weird that he chose to sit there, but oh well. Otherwise I may not have had the chance to meet her. And no, I didn't get up to speak or sing LOL! It was kind of a non-issue, to meet the ex. The family is welcoming and accepting, and there were so many other family issues going on there that my presence wasn't a thing at all. tybec Hmm, well there's a power play there with her attorney and the ex trying to make you feel uncomfortable. It's not your job to introduce yourself, and this should have no bearing on a custody issue. For a parent to have a paramour, a significant other, girlfriend or future wife is perfectly normal. And as long as you prove to continue to be healthy for the relationship and for the sake of the children, all good. They took advantage of catching you at an unexpected time, low blow. Yes, it's her job to find out who is in her children's lives and that's on her. You now know how she plays and can continue on with this knowledge. Ughhh - blending. I don't live with NG and we may not ever get married and I thought that could keep me out of the drama of his stuff. I supported him by attending a funeral, and because of that met his ex - something that I thought I would never have to do. Like sugarbell, I want to detach - want to say no about getting into NG's stuff when he says that he needs me. It's like I attended the circus and watched, but I didn't participate. I love him but there's a limit on what I want to get into.

arneal I agree that a relationship can be the meringue - although I'm not much into meringue, I tell NG that he's the frosting on my cake 😉 Looks like I may be meeting NG's ex for the first time this weekend, I'm kind of nervous about it and not sure if this is the time and place to meet her. NG's 39 y/o former nephew, from his ex - very sadly died 2 weeks ago from a drug overdose. NG has been kept in the loop on funeral arrangements as he gave support to his nephew, and considers his former BIL (nephews father) to be a good friend. It's been a sad few weeks, the funeral is this weekend. He will attend and wants me to be at his side. I know the BIL and his wife, and have had several occasions to hang out with them. But I don't know if it's appropriate for me to be there, don't want to create drama when there shouldn't be. NG things his ex will be okay with me being there, but I don't know. This is not about me, or about NG. Should I go to pay my respects, hoping that it's okay? Any thoughts on this?

Agree that this entirely needs to be on your own timeline. I didn't want regrets on letting his things go too soon, and looking back it was good to take plenty of time to make decisions. At 5 1/2 years out, I still have a few sweatshirts of his that I like to wear, and my kids have a few shirts of his too. Although I happily got rid of his work suits right away, and didn't regret it. If you have the space, I'd suggest giving more time to purging.

It has been quiet here. I'm still bumbling along with work, family and NG. My mother and I celebrated Easter with church service in the morning, and NG joined us for brunch later. Spring has been a little bit of a strange transition, my son started work in a city far away and although I'm happy for him it was sad to see him go. My daughter will be home from college soon for summer break, she's fretting about choosing a major and nothing is resonating with her about making a decision on this. I think that all of us have a God given purpose. Something that makes us unique, something that we're good at and that we're happy doing. What is this for you, tybec? My method lately of dealing with a purpose is to fill my days with work and volunteering. It fills me up to give to others, and I sometimes give until it hurts. I'm also project driven, make lists and check things off. If I still need more motivation, the list gets longer and more complicated and I get more obsessive about checking things off. This works some of the time to make me feel better, but I don't think that any of this is really healthy. The days are filled with busy work to stay distracted and occupied. Lately I've had some pajama days - haven't had one for awhile and it surprised me that 5+ years out and lately I had a few days when not much got done other than taking care of the dog's basic needs. I don't know whether it's the transition of spring, kids becoming more independent, aging parents, maybe a combination of all of this. NG and I are doing well, I'm happy being with him but he doesn't give me purpose. I don't know, maybe purpose comes from within us. This too will pass, as you say, tybec. It always does.

What a horrific loss, so very sorry to hear this.

We took a trip about 2 months after he passed away, my kids were 14 and 16 at the time. As tough as it was, it made us realize that we were moving forward and having new experiences even though he wasn't with us. The trip also made me know that I was capable of doing it on my on, caring for my kids and although sad I was managing just fine. I also couldn't believe that we were in this position, and at 5 years out still think this sometimes. The grief does soften with time. I hope that you can find some peaceful moments and enjoy the break. Hugs~

It does suck, I'm a mess. I held it together in front of my son but have been crying the past few days otherwise. It helped that he's been super cranky, it's easier to let go when he's so unpleasant to be around. Maybe he does this on purpose, he knows how emotional I can be. My kids are resilient, and they're making their way successfully and I'm so grateful for this. His graduation is next month, sigh - those bittersweet milestones keep coming and it's not easy.

Tomorrow my son leaves for his first post-college job. He will drive cross country 2,000+ miles to get there, is happy and excited to move on and start this new position. Another bittersweet milestone, I'm so proud of him graduating a semester early and living his dream of taking on a position in his field. I'm smiling yet crying, and don't want to show that I'm happy but sad at the same time. His Dad isn't here, and I'm angry. He should be here to see what his son is becoming, we should be celebrating our son's achievements together. Damn ...

Melissa, this is so very hard. I remember piles of paperwork to take care of and it felt like walking through wet concrete to try and get anything done. Some days I just shuffled the stack of papers around and that was it. Getting the death certificate is like a punch to the gut, it was very emotional for me. Be easy on yourself, do just what is needed and if you are offered help with any of this, take it. There are many here that understand this process, none of it is easy. A big gentle ((hug)) to you

Yup, I'm getting off the subject of what this thread is about. Sorry about that

I so get this ^^ I adore NG, but have no interest in getting married, and I may or may not want to live with him. My kids are older and becoming independent, his kids are well launched. This doesn't change my opinion on how I feel about marriage though. It's easy for each of us to take our toys and go home, and avoid the complication of a blended household and family. Right now life is good, why complicate things?

Melissa I'm so very sorry for your loss, and to find you here. This has been a place of comfort and support for me, and I hope that you find the same here. My husband died suddenly over 5 years ago, my children were 14 and 16 at that time. Take a day at a time, do just what is essential and take whatever help is offered. I wish for some peaceful days ahead for you. Big gentle hugs ~

RAM This is great news - best wishes for continuing happiness!

I appreciate the responses - I'm out of sorts, and letting the feelings settle. Yeah - it's a marathon, I'll keep going and see how this plays out. We communicate well, but I don't want to be completely honest with him on my hesitation. I'm grateful that he's in my life, it still amazes me that I'm now in a committed relationship when I think of how it was a couple of years ago. Happy Weekend All ~

Thanks for the 2 cents, arneal, don't mind it at all. Family is important and I probably give too much attention to their opinions. None will live with us or pay the bills, appreciate that it's good to remember that it would be just us. I'm not used to not having approval, it hurts that together we're not accepted and welcomed by some. There's a divide right now, and it bothers me. It's messy and uncomfortable and I want it all to go away. In my past simpler life, I continued in a relationship because nothing was telling me to not continue. With NG, there are reasons that tell me to quit, and I don't know the difference between what is important and what is not. What tells you to stay with somebody? What obstacles are you willing to overcome to stay together? Does it mean that I don't love him enough to not want to deal with conflict? Need to soul search on what will make me happy, or at least content. Happy 24th Birthday to your son, arneal!

Slow here, it's good to read the latest activity. MrsDan Sorry that you had this response. Knowing how he feels, you have a choice to either move forward in the relationship knowing that you won't be married to him, or break things off and find somebody else. It's a harsh reality, but I'd prefer to know early on where I stand with somebody. I told NG awhile ago that I'd most likely not marry again - and we still are together as he seems to be okay with this. Whether it will become an issue between us later on - I don't know. This past weekend NG and I looked at houses for sale, anticipating that we might at some point (?) move in together. He's pushing it, and I'm not - there are still kinks to work out and kids to get on their independent way before I want to live with him. He says that the idea of moving in together makes him happy, and preparing for this down the road is enough right now. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to marry him, and am trying to reconcile this with the idea of living together. I have nothing morally against cohabitating, just a nagging thought that maybe I would marry again should the circumstances be right, and whether or not he's the one that I want to be with long term. It's the messiness of being together that makes me doubt us - his reluctant daughter that doesn't like us together, some of his crazy and needy siblings, my Dad that doesn't approve, the in-laws that I won't introduce him to. I like simple and there's nothing simple about any of this. It would be much easier to be by myself. I know that I've always been one to doubt my relationships. I had doubts about LH before marrying him, and we ultimately were happy together but it took a long time to get to the point of marriage with him. It doesn't seem fair to keep going with NG if he wants to marry and I don't. Sigh ..... It's good to hear of relationships going well, and helpful for me to hear that it's work to get through the messiness.

Love2fish I'm so sorry for your loss.