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Everything posted by trying2breathe

  1. trying2breathe

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    CW ^^Yay!! Wish there was a love button!
  2. trying2breathe

    Last name change

    I would like to change my last name, and have used my maiden name occasionally in social situations for the past few years. It feels a little bit like a betrayal to DH, it's just that I never did like my married name. Story for another time, but this name implies something that I'm not. My children share this name, and I'll keep it now for that reason. Should I marry again - unlikely I think - I'll reconsider.
  3. trying2breathe

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    A very Happy 50th to you, arneal! Hope that you celebrate this milestone birthday in style!
  4. I don't know, tybec - I think that you can be in a committed relationship with plans to move forward towards marriage, without rushing a ring. Why not let things settle and get to a point of not having doubts about this relationship, and then move forward on this? From all that you've shared here, I'm not sure that you're at this point yet? That being said, there are many successful relationships that thrive with the emotions that you've posted about here. Will you be happy committed and married to him, with these continuing issues? There seems to be a turmoil about this relationship, perhaps this is your norm? These words might seem tough, it's hard to hear about the underlying mistrust and doubt from you and plans to move toward marriage with him. I truly hope that this can be worked out and resolved. It's very easy to assess a relationship from a computer screen. We read your perspective on the relationship, and not his. There is obviously a great connection with him, a reason to stay in it and work together on making a successful relationship.
  5. I have exes, am not in communication with any of them at this point but I wouldn't be averse to it. Should my NG and I break up, he'd be somebody that I could see keeping as a friend. Although I'm super aware of maintaining respectful emotional distances from men that are in committed relationships, and because I am in a committed relationship too. Because there can also be emotional infidelity, not just physical. My initial reaction to your post, tybec, is that NG has not been entirely available to you until recently. And this makes me wonder whether he's still in contact with this particular ex in case things didn't work out with you. There seems to be a lot of gray area in your relationship and you can get bogged down on details on what you are willing to accept or not - being in touch on FB vs. email, what is acceptable social media, etc. ... where does this begin and end? It's easy to assess a relationship sitting at a computer screen - IRL maybe my thoughts would be different. NG has two ex-wives, communicates with them both periodically due to the kids. As far as I know, he isn't in touch with any ex-GFs. I'm particularly honest with him when I get messages - communication via social media or text, and invites from my guy friends - high school and college friends that I've known for years and still socialize with. And I don't hesitate to invite him to meet any one of them.
  6. trying2breathe


    In the early days after losing DH I had a few friends that would mention husband problems - I decided to move on from some of these "friendships" and not deal with their comments. It almost seemed like a passive-aggressive thing to make themselves feel better - really, how clueless can some people be to complain like that in front of a widow?
  7. trying2breathe

    Public vs. Private School

    To add to the good responses here - don't let this issue affect the school choice. I was irritated when those Father/Daughter dances came around, it bothered me a lot more than it bothered my high school aged daughter. She chose not to attend these events, although she had some options that included going with one of her uncles. There's a good chance, once these events come along, that your daughter won't be the only one there without a bio father in attendance. Sorry that you have to think of this along with everything else that widowhood brings -
  8. trying2breathe

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    I attended a grief group a couple of years after my husband died, was past the early and darkest days but it did help to share with others and feel a sense of belonging. I also found a grief therapist that was also widowed and left alone to raise a teenager. We connected on many levels, and after 5+ years I still go back occasionally to check in with her. I remember early days of staying at home in pajamas, felt some comfort in setting aside time to journal and record my thoughts and also checked out and read many widow books. Hope you find a good group, powbesh
  9. My kids, after losing their Dad, are compassionate and encouraging about my relationship with NG. In contrast to NG's adult daughters - kids of divorce x 2 - who were not supportive of us. At times I thought of not continuing on with him because of his daughters' behavior. It's not just the little kids that act out. I'm thinking that NG's daughters believe that our relationship is another one that is destined to fail. His daughters don't live close, we see them during holidays and vacation only. I mentioned to NG before Christmas that I wasn't looking forward to our families spending time together. What's especially frustrating is that I thought that young adults would be a bit more understanding about their Dad moving on. NG talked with his daughters before they arrived, explained that we are a couple and the relationship is important to him. I did see a difference from them, thankfully. It's not perfect but I'll take it. Baby steps.
  10. trying2breathe

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    So very sorry for your loss, Bluebird.
  11. trying2breathe

    News of Kate

    I do remember Kate - it's so good to hear that she is doing well, remarried and with a new little one. Life can be beautiful again, post-widowhood. Thanks for sharing the news -
  12. trying2breathe

    14. Almost 15 year old boy. And the sex talk

    SB This is familiar - my kids are 20 and 22 and DD (20 y/o) - sadly - is sexually active. Although I don't like it, she is making her decision and I've tried to prepare her the best way I know how - with information, doctor visits, and a prescription for the pill. We talk about STDs, having kids and I mention how hard that is, and should she become pregnant how that would play out. Seems that youngsters these days are more into hook-ups than relationships - a hard reality. Please don't push the GF away - it will only make it you vs. them. As hard as it is, embrace the reality and prep them the best way you can. Would a call to her parents be appropriate?
  13. trying2breathe

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    I'm so sorry on the loss of your beloved husband. You are making sense, grief is all consuming and it takes awhile to process and to try and slowly move forward in our life. I did not actively try to die, but in those early dark days I remember feeling that if it should happen that would be just fine. I remember thinking also that there was no reason to go on, although difficult to see right now there are plenty of reasons to go on. Please know that time softens this hardship, we are here and can relate to the feelings that you are having. Gentle hugs ....
  14. Anticipation of the anniversary days is the worst for me - the past few years the actual day has been better than the days leading up to it. Glad that you got some rest and that NG handles it well, tybec. It must be difficult for our SOs to know what to do during those tough times - NG usually wants to back away and give me space and that's usually the last thing that I want from him. How was the weekend away? Next step sounds good, and hope the planning leads to some real life changes for you both. Wasn't a vacation weekend for me as Monday was a regular work day for both of us. Work is busier than ever and I'm stressed - it's good to spend time most nights with NG to hash out our days, a soft place to land in a hectic world right now. No talk of the future and I'm okay with this. I feel secure in our relationship and will let things play out as they may.
  15. Thanks for bumping, Bunny. This was a really tough time for me too, as somebody else previously posted it's when you begin to realize how long forever really is. Those that surrounded us and helped out in the early days were no longer there, it was the time to figure out how to move forward and begin to function again.
  16. Julester Your NYE does sound much different than what you're accustomed to. And that would be sad, to have expectations and have a letdown. Holidays can be filled with emotions, can't they? We're used to our traditions, and what may seem unimportant to somebody might mean a lot to somebody else. Some of our family traditions took a back seat this Christmas, for whatever reason - and I was a bit sad about it too. tybec Sorry to hear that the holidays with NG were derailed. "I moved to make NYE plans with a friend and her family out of town. I needed to be with folks that knew me and my LH and son and loved us." This makes me incredibly sad - of course there are those that love and appreciate you, NG should be one that naturally does this too. This IS a big deal, and you're moving forward with what is right - calling him out on his inattention to you and your needs. It's not surprising that you got sick - a lot of stress and emotions to deal with there. There are plenty of us that balance work, children, aging parents and other issues, along with working together on a happy and successful relationship. I truly hope that he steps up and makes the effort to once and for all show his dedication to you. arneal Hmmm - comfy sounds like a good thing, wonder what's brewing? Do you think the New Year will bring a deeper commitment from him? It's interesting that I don't have a desire to live with NG yet - perfectly content to keep things as they are. And at almost 2 years together. I'm not sure if this will change. NG mentioned that maybe it's HIM that I don't want to live with, but maybe I'd be willing to co-habitate with somebody else. I don't know - and if he desires more of a commitment from me, than I'm not giving him what he wants. This year continues to unfold .....
  17. trying2breathe

    Starting a new Hobby to eat up time

    I took up ballroom dancing, spent a lot of time in dance class and went to competitions. When dancing, it was impossible to focus on anything else but that and it was very therapeutic for me. I had been an avid reader but it took a few years for that to come back - my focus just wasn't there for anything other than something that was physically demanding.
  18. Hello and Happy New Year! It's been quiet here, maybe a good thing? How are you, tybec? After Christmas had a few days away with my in-laws to de-stress from the holidays. Have to laugh as I type this as my in-laws are anything but carefree, but it was a good getaway and a break from the stress that I was feeling with NG and his daughters. This holiday went well, and thankfully I have no big complaints. Time spent with NG and his daughters went relatively smoothly and they are warming to the idea that their father has a new girlfriend. New Year's Eve was low-key, prepared a nice dinner at home and we were asleep shortly after midnight. I'm happily tucking away Christmas decorations and getting back to the routine. Kids leave to go back to school this weekend, it's been a good few weeks with them but they're ready to get back and I'm ready to let them go. NG and I continue to get closer and I'm happy to continue to the relationship as it is - we'll see what 2019 brings. Did anybody make resolutions? This might be the first year that I haven't made some mental note of self improvement. If anything, it would be to work less and try to relax more. Wishing you all a happy, peaceful and healthy 2019.
  19. trying2breathe

    We are on this board because.......

    To learn how to navigate this journey called widowhood, in those early dark days to know that you're never alone. To have a safe place to share, ask and know that there are others that know this journey too. And as the years go by to continue to have that safe place to come back to, whatever we're feeling. I'm forever grateful for this site, it's been a lifesaver for me.
  20. Glad that things are getting a bit easier this time of year, tybec. The family gathering sounds wonderful. A big gentle hug to you on your upcoming anniversary. Although this Christmas felt disjointed, we got through it all just fine. NG made the effort to spend time together with us, and have his adult daughters here some of the time too. The tension is easing with them, they both seem more receptive to their father having a GF in his life. Our family traditions took a backseat as we had several different gatherings and gift exchanges - oh well. My daughter mentioned that it felt different, kind of like a divorce situation, but that she was okay with it all. It's been a good but stressful few days. I'm tired, and happy to take the kids tomorrow for a visit with my in-laws for a few days. Lol - just putting that into words makes me laugh, never thought I'd say something like that.
  21. trying2breathe

    Widows at Christmas dinner

    There's an elderly man in my neighborhood that I occasionally run into while walking my dog. He mentioned recently that he was widowed and I responded that I was widowed too. No reaction at all - the conversation just continued. I also wanted to say - "hey wait - I lost my husband young, it was sudden and unexpected and I was left to raise 2 kids on my own!!" I get compassion from younger non-widowed people - thought that there would be some kind of recognition and compassion from older folks too. Strange indeed -
  22. trying2breathe

    Holiday question

    Oh Needy, sorry to hear that your eldest didn't join you. Sometimes there are issues going on that have nothing to do with us but it hurts nonetheless. LF I relate to adult children not being receptive to their parent's new relationship. It's been a very slow process for NG's two adult daughters to accept me - 2 years together and this Xmas things are slowly changing for the better. I hope with time her kids will come around too. At first I took it personally, and then realized that it had little to do with me.
  23. trying2breathe

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Thanks, serpico - don't mind being picked on if taking a part of the responsibility can bring clarity for others in their situations. I am part of the mess, maybe others could be too. And yes, it feels really good to vent about it all 😀
  24. trying2breathe

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Good points here, all of them. sudnly - what an abusive partner, I'd run fast from that too. Sorry that he didn't show his full colors until you were well committed to him. tybec I'm sorry that you also deal with the exclusion - it's not what I usually deal with and to go through this at Christmas with him once again is extremely frustrating. For you to deal with this a lot of the time is so unfair. For me, it will be a decision on whether to move forward like this or not. I realize that I contribute to this by refusing to have him meet my in-laws - Christmas Eve dinner they are here so he is not invited. He will have a dinner with his ex, daughters, and other family - I'm not invited. The next few days will be telling. I called him out on being excluded, he listened and then made plans for us all to spend some time together with all of our kids. It felt awkward to make demands, and I told him that I realized that I didn't have much of a say as GF. He's trying to set boundaries, something new for him. I hope to not judge his daughters' behavior, instead just see how he is with all of this. Christmas time brings on a level of stress that we don't deal with the rest of the year. He's trying. He does enhance my life, just not during the holidays. I add to this mess too. I feel like we're two people that are trying, but the dynamics are complicated.
  25. trying2breathe

    Anyone Else Not Sure About Taking the "Next Step"?

    Yup ^^^ I'm wondering on a future with him, when it's super complicated with everybody involved. In frustration, I suggested to NG that we take a break in December and meet up again in January - he didn't want to to do this. When his young adult daughters arrive - they're here just once a year at Christmas time - everything changes. I take a backseat to his children's and ex's schedule, am not included in the celebrations that he has with them. He manages the best way that he can, and I feel the stress of him trying to accommodate everybody. I realize as his GF that I have no say in any of this - but I do have a say on whether to continue with him in this way. sigh .....

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