Kestrel

My children were a little younger than yours when my dh died 11 years ago. The oldest was 10 and he had the hardest time. We were a thousand miles from the nearest relatives. Although my dh's coworkers and our neighbors said they would do things with the kids, they never did. I applied to Big Brothers for the oldest. He was matched with an older man a few months later. Although my son never bonded much with his big brother, it was good for him to get out of the house and to have a male take interest in him.

DS19 would like his little bro to go. DS19 gets embarrassed by the attention that his aunt showers on him, but not his siblings. I am thinking of having him stay home. They will be going on a different vacation with the same group plus some others about 3 days after this trip.

I totally get it. I'm 9 years out and I am still living in an alternate universe from all the couples out there. I can quote you how many kids have a parent die before they graduate high school (it's 5%). I'm not a ray of sunshine. Friends that I had from before dh's death, don't really understand, or for some of them, tried and have given up trying to understand why I have changed. The death of someone so close to you that they are a part of you, must change your outlook on life (and death). I seem to get a long better with people who I've met since dh's passing. They don't bring up dh. They haven't seen a change in me. So, everything's hunky dory. For those people who have seen a change, it's probably uncomfortable for them to see the after effects of losing a spouse. They don't want to admit that the same thing could happen to them. So, because I've changed, I must be doing something wrong. I should be back to who I was before, but that person is long gone.

It's normal teenage leaving the nest behavior. By being a jerk, you will be happier to be rid of him, so it won't go so hard on you when he leaves. Similarly, by believing or saying that his parent is an overreacting, controlling xxxx, he too will be happier to leave. Otherwise, you both would be in tears when it's time for him to go.

DH died 9 1/2 years ago. His family has stayed in close contact since that time, even though they live hundreds of miles away. We vacation with them once a year and see them at other times. DH's sister has been especially attached to my oldest son who was 10 when his dad died. They've taken him on various trips, starting when he was 10. They've got all boys, so they really haven't done much for dd. They had made promises in the past to do something for dd, but that never materialized. This has caused dd to be mistrustful of them. They haven't done much for youngest ds either. Youngest ds was only a few months old when his dad died. One of SIL's sons called up to ask if ds19 wants to go camping for 4-5 days on a "guys trip", but didn't mention ds10. Their youngest is 13 and will be going on this trip. Everyone else is 19 or older. SIL just emailed me about arrangements for the trip. She apologized for not asking dd as it is a "guys trip", and said they'd do something special for her later this year, but made no mention of youngest ds. I emailed her back and asked if there was room for youngest ds. He was there when older ds was asked to go on the trip, and said "I want to go too!" How far should I push them to include youngest ds? Older ds just got home from his first year of college and youngest ds had been pining for him for the past several months. He's been so excited about having his brother home. I know there will be bad feelings if he doesn't get an invitation for this trip, both from having his brother pulled away again and for not being invited to visit with his cousins.