Forgottenwife

I'm forgottenwife on here, was lostwife2011 on the old board. I live in Colorado. My husband of 22 years suffered a back injury, got addicted to opiates, and took his own life after a dark spiral downward. We had two boys, 13 and 21 at the time. One of the best decisions I made was to go on the old board, I found that people would listen and not over-react like my people in my family and community. No one on the board thought I should just get over it quickly, it was good to find such understanding and amazing people. Those days were just so hard. The board seems pretty quiet now, yet admittedly I don't check in very often anymore. This is the first time I've looked here since the quarantine started 4 weeks ago, thanks Maureen for starting this roll call. Sending love to all of you.

Aww yeah!! Congratulations MrsDan.

Thank you for posting this, I'm coming up on 9 years this spring and I have some of these feelings. My husband wouldn't recognize so many things: my new career, a new community, our children have grown, we've welcomed new family members and sadly lost others. Its a different life. Even though I have a full and quite gentle life, I'm still sad he isn't here to see it, how I wish things were different.

Wow. This is awful. Its like he is mocking you, what a complete jerk. It is a big deal, and then he does this? Please always remember you deserve way better than this guy. Way better. Sorry he turned out this way. Wow.

Bluebird, I am so very sorry.

Hi everyone - I'm finding in my journey that I don't check the board much anymore, so glad I checked in today to get some updates on everyone's life. Arneal - if I lived close to you, I'd come right over! Your meal sounds wonderful :) Tybec - wow, I am so sorry. Sounds like your MIL is still just always there, loving and including. I have a SIL that is like a sister to me, she has been there for me and the kids through everything and now at the holidays, we all visit with my fiance included. She welcomes him like family, every single time and every occasion. I am sorry your nephew did not extend a heartfelt invitation to you and your son. Who does that? Regarding your guy, I don't even know what to say. I get that he feels the need to look out for his kids, I was kind of like that too, but this is just extreme. You can come and stay in a hotel? And, you have the money to do so? What? I might be too hurt to even type that. I know that life is hard and there is custody and his kids' mom is always trying to run his life and make him jump through hoops, I just don't understand. I am so sorry. I have no idea how I would react to these events, just saying I really feel for you. That sounds painful. My wish is for you and your son to have a great time with family, sounds like you will. Trying - It's complicated, isn't it? Its nice that your in-laws want to stay in touch and help your kids thru college. I say you proudly bring your sweetheart around your in-laws and if they say something, call it out. Or at least that is what I do! I have raised tattooed individuals, I've dated people others want to judge, I may even be one of those 'neerdowells' myself in others opinions - so what. I wear it proudly and when someone says something loudly about tattoos, disabilities, hairstyle, dress, whatever, I simply tell them they are rude. But, I did that when I was married to DH too, so nothing new here. We still had dinner, we just had friendly conflict. I guess I could be on hire for the holidays? I'll politely (with a smile) tell all of your in-laws, siblings, parents, nosy neighbors where to put their nasty opinions and attitudes!! Come on I'll say, let's enjoy the holiday and surround each other with love and friendship! And, I'm a fabulous cook and I make the best pies (if you can stomach it from someone who dresses questionably and hangs out with tattooed people.)

Hi Ronda, I met my Fiance doing online dating, we have been together now for over 5 years. I found online dating to be quite interesting and really kind of fun. I met so many people! Many of them just regular folks trying to make it in the world. I also met some creeps and heavy drinkers/marijuana users and a few other things that were simply not a good fit for me at all. My method was quite simple - as soon as someone did something that was off for me, drinking heavily before a date and acting weird (yes that is a dealbreaker) immediately asking intimate questions, being the wrong age group for me or whatever it was, I just stopped talking to them. Just blocked them, renamed their number in my phone to 'do not answer' and literally moved on down the list. There were hundreds more men on the website to meet. I met some men and it gave me an opportunity to decide who I wanted in my life. I completely understand being upset that your date was drinking and acting like a different person. I see it like this, so glad you know now who he is! Better now than a few months in. He just freed up your time to meet someone who is much better suited to you. Yes, really cool normal men are out there. Funny, successful, kind, loving, and all that.

Arneal, thank you for sharing this. My fiance is a good communicator, never jumps to anger, very open and easy to talk to. I think this specific approach will help me be even closer to him. I have silly jealous feelings once in a while and I'm going to remember this. And, happy Friday!

Congratulations Rob! and to your sweetheart too!

I get these too! Its so weird, and I have called too. There isn't even any money left in his account, it was closed and paid out a long time ago, and I have moved. No matter, I still get this mail. I also get Kohl's mailers, I can't get them to stop. I get one of those Kohl's percent off stickers and so does he. Two separate mailings to the same address, one to a deceased person, its silly. I just use whichever coupon has the better percent off. It's been more than 7 years. Yes, frustrating.

Thank you Mike.

Rambling thoughts this morning regarding suicide in the news again - Famous people who seemingly 'have it all' suicide and its all the talk in our communities. What to do if someone is suicidal, what signs should we look for? The big one for me - 'If You are struggling, please call this suicide number, help is available!' All for suicide prevention, bolstering and funding mental health services and awareness, doing away with the stigma. I get all that. Why does this broader conversation trigger me? Is it that I didn't try this one more thing? Is it that my non-famous spouses suicide didn't stop the world for a few days and garner a broader conversation? Just remembering the trauma I guess. I clearly won't be satisfied. If someone brings it up, my heart races. If people ignore it, I'm on alert waiting for the word. Strength, love, compassion to the families of the afflicted. Its a rough road. I wish I could hug each survivor, I don't even know anymore if the hug would be for me or for them. Anyone else?

Yes. I had a similar experience. Wow did I get angry. Angry that he was dead, angry for all the crazy stuff addicts do, angry that I had no control. You know for me it was hard to acknowledge that anger, and even harder to talk about it. I felt judged for being angry, I felt like I was letting my late husband down. The people would say 'Why are you angry?' 'Its not his fault.' Even 'anger is wrong.' Wrong? Yea, I get it, he didn't want to be an addict, he suffered a great deal. I know, I had a front row seat. He was brilliant and funny and attractive. He also was an addict and eventually took his own life. I wasn't even surprised, yet I was shocked and beaten down and exhausted. I can relate to what you said. I'm grateful you can share here. You matter. Your experience matters too and its really hard to grapple with isn't it? I know he's the one who died, and I also know the families and loved ones of addicts suffer too. I get in many places, and even here, that is an unpopular opinion. Like we aren't supposed to feel what we feel. Your feelings are valid and you deserve love and compassion and please be gentle with yourself. I hope for you and for all of us really who loved addicts that the anger will subside and peaceful memories and days will continue to be part of our lives. I am so sorry for your loss and for the experience that brings you to this website and to this particular forum. Take care of you. Even though its been years, the feelings are still there, that sounds pretty normal too. I get it.

Hi Sam, my thoughts because you asked - I would be delighted to attend a ceremony, or a wedding, or a reception, or a party - really any celebration of love and joy and togetherness. How wonderful that my friends and loved ones found someone to spend their life with, and then to share it with the rest of us? That's a party. I wouldn't feel duped at all, I'd just be happy for you cuz' it sounds joyous. I say call your sweetheart whatever you wish. This life, full of twists and turns and the unexpected. Lets all celebrate the good stuff. Your legal paperwork and status isn't really my business anyway. If we looked into our friends and family members legal files, we may find everyone has some surprises (or skeletons if you will.) Living as married with separate estates is probably much more common than we know. You sound intelligent and thoughtful, I too wouldn't do something legally that could possibly risk my financial security in retirement.

Patswife22, I am so happy for you. Enjoy all of it!! I had a very similar experience in dating again, I also though I would NEVER meet a man that meant so much to me and your winning the lottery statement is exactly what happened to me. Every day I wake up so happy to be loved by my fiance. Yes, there is hope for a wonderful relationship again. My best to you and your beloved, have fun!