Forgottenwife

I'm forgottenwife on here, was lostwife2011 on the old board. I live in Colorado. My husband of 22 years suffered a back injury, got addicted to opiates, and took his own life after a dark spiral downward. We had two boys, 13 and 21 at the time. One of the best decisions I made was to go on the old board, I found that people would listen and not over-react like my people in my family and community. No one on the board thought I should just get over it quickly, it was good to find such understanding and amazing people. Those days were just so hard. The board seems pretty quiet now, yet admittedly I don't check in very often anymore. This is the first time I've looked here since the quarantine started 4 weeks ago, thanks Maureen for starting this roll call. Sending love to all of you.

Aww yeah!! Congratulations MrsDan.

Thank you for posting this, I'm coming up on 9 years this spring and I have some of these feelings. My husband wouldn't recognize so many things: my new career, a new community, our children have grown, we've welcomed new family members and sadly lost others. Its a different life. Even though I have a full and quite gentle life, I'm still sad he isn't here to see it, how I wish things were different.

Wow. This is awful. Its like he is mocking you, what a complete jerk. It is a big deal, and then he does this? Please always remember you deserve way better than this guy. Way better. Sorry he turned out this way. Wow.

Bluebird, I am so very sorry.

Hi everyone - I'm finding in my journey that I don't check the board much anymore, so glad I checked in today to get some updates on everyone's life. Arneal - if I lived close to you, I'd come right over! Your meal sounds wonderful :) Tybec - wow, I am so sorry. Sounds like your MIL is still just always there, loving and including. I have a SIL that is like a sister to me, she has been there for me and the kids through everything and now at the holidays, we all visit with my fiance included. She welcomes him like family, every single time and every occasion. I am sorry your nephew did not extend a heartfelt invitation to you and your son. Who does that? Regarding your guy, I don't even know what to say. I get that he feels the need to look out for his kids, I was kind of like that too, but this is just extreme. You can come and stay in a hotel? And, you have the money to do so? What? I might be too hurt to even type that. I know that life is hard and there is custody and his kids' mom is always trying to run his life and make him jump through hoops, I just don't understand. I am so sorry. I have no idea how I would react to these events, just saying I really feel for you. That sounds painful. My wish is for you and your son to have a great time with family, sounds like you will. Trying - It's complicated, isn't it? Its nice that your in-laws want to stay in touch and help your kids thru college. I say you proudly bring your sweetheart around your in-laws and if they say something, call it out. Or at least that is what I do! I have raised tattooed individuals, I've dated people others want to judge, I may even be one of those 'neerdowells' myself in others opinions - so what. I wear it proudly and when someone says something loudly about tattoos, disabilities, hairstyle, dress, whatever, I simply tell them they are rude. But, I did that when I was married to DH too, so nothing new here. We still had dinner, we just had friendly conflict. I guess I could be on hire for the holidays? I'll politely (with a smile) tell all of your in-laws, siblings, parents, nosy neighbors where to put their nasty opinions and attitudes!! Come on I'll say, let's enjoy the holiday and surround each other with love and friendship! And, I'm a fabulous cook and I make the best pies (if you can stomach it from someone who dresses questionably and hangs out with tattooed people.)

Hi Ronda, I met my Fiance doing online dating, we have been together now for over 5 years. I found online dating to be quite interesting and really kind of fun. I met so many people! Many of them just regular folks trying to make it in the world. I also met some creeps and heavy drinkers/marijuana users and a few other things that were simply not a good fit for me at all. My method was quite simple - as soon as someone did something that was off for me, drinking heavily before a date and acting weird (yes that is a dealbreaker) immediately asking intimate questions, being the wrong age group for me or whatever it was, I just stopped talking to them. Just blocked them, renamed their number in my phone to 'do not answer' and literally moved on down the list. There were hundreds more men on the website to meet. I met some men and it gave me an opportunity to decide who I wanted in my life. I completely understand being upset that your date was drinking and acting like a different person. I see it like this, so glad you know now who he is! Better now than a few months in. He just freed up your time to meet someone who is much better suited to you. Yes, really cool normal men are out there. Funny, successful, kind, loving, and all that.

Arneal, thank you for sharing this. My fiance is a good communicator, never jumps to anger, very open and easy to talk to. I think this specific approach will help me be even closer to him. I have silly jealous feelings once in a while and I'm going to remember this. And, happy Friday!

Congratulations Rob! and to your sweetheart too!

I get these too! Its so weird, and I have called too. There isn't even any money left in his account, it was closed and paid out a long time ago, and I have moved. No matter, I still get this mail. I also get Kohl's mailers, I can't get them to stop. I get one of those Kohl's percent off stickers and so does he. Two separate mailings to the same address, one to a deceased person, its silly. I just use whichever coupon has the better percent off. It's been more than 7 years. Yes, frustrating.

Thank you Mike.

Rambling thoughts this morning regarding suicide in the news again - Famous people who seemingly 'have it all' suicide and its all the talk in our communities. What to do if someone is suicidal, what signs should we look for? The big one for me - 'If You are struggling, please call this suicide number, help is available!' All for suicide prevention, bolstering and funding mental health services and awareness, doing away with the stigma. I get all that. Why does this broader conversation trigger me? Is it that I didn't try this one more thing? Is it that my non-famous spouses suicide didn't stop the world for a few days and garner a broader conversation? Just remembering the trauma I guess. I clearly won't be satisfied. If someone brings it up, my heart races. If people ignore it, I'm on alert waiting for the word. Strength, love, compassion to the families of the afflicted. Its a rough road. I wish I could hug each survivor, I don't even know anymore if the hug would be for me or for them. Anyone else?

Yes. I had a similar experience. Wow did I get angry. Angry that he was dead, angry for all the crazy stuff addicts do, angry that I had no control. You know for me it was hard to acknowledge that anger, and even harder to talk about it. I felt judged for being angry, I felt like I was letting my late husband down. The people would say 'Why are you angry?' 'Its not his fault.' Even 'anger is wrong.' Wrong? Yea, I get it, he didn't want to be an addict, he suffered a great deal. I know, I had a front row seat. He was brilliant and funny and attractive. He also was an addict and eventually took his own life. I wasn't even surprised, yet I was shocked and beaten down and exhausted. I can relate to what you said. I'm grateful you can share here. You matter. Your experience matters too and its really hard to grapple with isn't it? I know he's the one who died, and I also know the families and loved ones of addicts suffer too. I get in many places, and even here, that is an unpopular opinion. Like we aren't supposed to feel what we feel. Your feelings are valid and you deserve love and compassion and please be gentle with yourself. I hope for you and for all of us really who loved addicts that the anger will subside and peaceful memories and days will continue to be part of our lives. I am so sorry for your loss and for the experience that brings you to this website and to this particular forum. Take care of you. Even though its been years, the feelings are still there, that sounds pretty normal too. I get it.

Hi Sam, my thoughts because you asked - I would be delighted to attend a ceremony, or a wedding, or a reception, or a party - really any celebration of love and joy and togetherness. How wonderful that my friends and loved ones found someone to spend their life with, and then to share it with the rest of us? That's a party. I wouldn't feel duped at all, I'd just be happy for you cuz' it sounds joyous. I say call your sweetheart whatever you wish. This life, full of twists and turns and the unexpected. Lets all celebrate the good stuff. Your legal paperwork and status isn't really my business anyway. If we looked into our friends and family members legal files, we may find everyone has some surprises (or skeletons if you will.) Living as married with separate estates is probably much more common than we know. You sound intelligent and thoughtful, I too wouldn't do something legally that could possibly risk my financial security in retirement.

Patswife22, I am so happy for you. Enjoy all of it!! I had a very similar experience in dating again, I also though I would NEVER meet a man that meant so much to me and your winning the lottery statement is exactly what happened to me. Every day I wake up so happy to be loved by my fiance. Yes, there is hope for a wonderful relationship again. My best to you and your beloved, have fun!

Oh Hikermom, I remember this. I sold our home a couple of years ago, it was a very hard decision, and it was the right decision. It was right for my life circumstances and my finances. The flower garden that had collected all the years of plants and memories... the bedroom we shared... the tree and the yard our children played in growing up. All those memories. I hear you, I've been there, the intensity of the emotions will wane. And like all of the other things we experience in this journey, once in a while, you'll feel it. The love, the memories, the flowers and the river you enjoyed there, the grief of what was. I have zero flowers in my new home, its all rock! But I'm finally feeling settled enough to plan a new garden and pick out some plants. My best to you in making new memories wherever you land. You'll get settled in the new rhythms of your life, I think you did the best for you and for your daughter.

Oh yes, this is my family. It is expected that all family members live right next to each other, see each other multiple times a week, and women and the elderly are catered to. Wherever and whenever they want to go and whatever they need, we should do it. Yes, when I travel anywhere with anyone or even have nights out with friends I do hear 'wow... you never take me anywhere...'. It sucks. And no matter how much we do, its just never enough. Please send one our way too, it would make us so happy to have a companion that can do all this stuff with Mom!

Hey Sugarbell. I can speak from the perspective of a daughter to a mom like this. Along with my siblings, we do her grocery shopping, taxes, home maintenance, bill paying and some errands when we can. The only thing that works is when I personally say no. Not my fiance, not my friends or my boss or anyone else. It is difficult because I get resistance and some guilt, but I just say how much I can do, what days/hours and that's it. My mom would prefer that we sleep over multiple times a week and take time off work each week for her personal appointments. I can't, I have to go to work. She just feels that we are obligated to do for her and we have to regularly tell her no, its a drag. Your boyfriend has to choose. If that is what he wants for his life, I don't think you can change it. I'll agree with others that his willingness to love and care for his mom is attractive, he sounds very caring and loyal. As a mom, I wouldn't want my kids to give that much of themselves, especially if I knew they were giving up their own dreams and possible relationships. But some families may think the amount your boyfriend does is normal and acceptable. One other thing that did strike me in your post, you said 'to lock him in... he will never move.' That is his choice. He's a grown man, he can move wherever he chooses to. I moved across the city from my mom and siblings. They were upset, they protested, they tried to get me to change my mind. I moved anyway.

Lewis - Thanks for all you do for widda.org. I appreciate your hard work in creating and maintaining this space for all of us to come and share with one another. I look forward to seeing the new design! Cheers ~ Forgottenwife

You are entitled to your own life. Yes, you can be a mom and a daughter and a friend and possibly an eventual Mother-in-law too, but you are entitled to your own life too. My kids were 15 and 22 when I started dating. I did have a few rules for myself based on being a mom to a teenager. I never brought any dates home, we always met somewhere else. The only man they ever saw or talked to is my now fiancee and that was after I became sure of his character and knew we had serious long-term potential. There was a little push-back and concern right at first and I simply told them it was unacceptable for them to expect me to never date or re-couple. I told them that if I could not date, I expected them to be available every Friday and Saturday night, and every Sunday all day for the rest of my life to go out and keep me company. It was a small bump in the road but a couple years ago one of my kids told their grandfather how grateful they were that I have 'moved on,' as he can go on with his own life and not feel sad leaving me home alone. I say be loving but firm. Let them know you will always be their Mom, nothing will ever change that. But life is full of beauty and happiness, which can include love and companionship if you choose to seek it.

I don't even know your 'friend,' but really? The things people stick their noses in when we are widowed. I wonder if he would ask these questions of a man? Wow. I had friends offer to help with mortgage payments, a Dad that worried if we had enough food in the house, and eventually a boyfriend that was relieved and comforted my surviving son drew social security while he was a minor. For someone to say you are gaming the system? Or you should do the taxpayers a favor and get married? I'm literally gobsmacked. I'd simply say 'That's not your business, Thanks for the groceries.'

I guess its just something we all have to deal with once in a while, nosy people. I kind of like your plan to tailor the response based on each person. That is exhausting but its true. I am not going to spend any time on the details with a casual acquaintance or a one time interaction with someone. But of course there are people I know well that will be different. I am approaching 7 years out from my husband's suicide, and in my experience, some people that pry have a reason. Yes, some people are just nosy jerks, but I have had a few people ask questions because they have a similar loss, and once even worse, the person was suicidal themselves. I just do my best with each interaction and if I feel uncomfortable, I shut the conversation down immediately. Unfortunately, even after all these years, some people still ask.

Hi Tybec. Unsettling is right. I have experienced this many times. Usually in the dreams I am wondering how to tell my LH that I am living with and in love with a different man. The first few times LH came to these dreams, I was pretty shook up. Now I can quickly refocus in the morning. I wish I knew how to interpret your dreams. Just be gentle with yourself, that can be kind of disorienting.

Because you asked... What sort of feedback are you looking for? If you want someone to tell you this all sounds very normal and ok, then yes I can tell you that. I say just relax and trust your feelings and intuitions and try not to be hard on yourself. Every person I have ever met, including my chapter 2, has philosophies and opinions that differ from mine. That is the beauty of the human experience, we are each unique. I have decided what attitudes and beliefs are important to me and absolute deal breakers, and which ones are flexible and interesting. You can do that too. It's up to you. Your relationships sounds pretty new, just have fun and enjoy the new experience. He may turn out to be a wonderful, caring man this is just right for you. If you keep your boundaries in the right place and take time getting to know him, what do you have to lose? I know we will be hurt again... right?! Something will end our new relationships for sure, a break up or a death. I personally have been willing to take that risk. Taking the plunge to be vulnerable is so hard though, we know the pain and heartbreak that can come, yet the rewards of love and intimacy are calling to us. Will it last? I don't know. I wouldn't worry about taking advantage of him and his trust or kindness, he's an adult and is also taking risks and deciding if he wants to be vulnerable. Just be yourself, look out for your own needs and boundaries, and don't forget to have fun and enjoy a little of life's greatest gifts - the warmth and love and companionship of another being. Does it get any better than that? Regarding the separated and not quite divorced, I have never seen this as a black and white issue. I know a very reasonable couple that are now divorced and they co-parent quite well. Because of finances and a family business, their divorce took almost two years and one of them had moved on emotionally by the time the paperwork was signed. Everyone seems ok with it, years later the new husband treats their children well and everyone gets along so that was the priority for their family. I have never faced that decision so I can't say, only you can decide what is important and meaningful for you. Maybe your new guy will have a reasonable and fairly easy divorce and his family will be happy for him - maybe not, that remains to be seen. We have seen here on this board where people are divorced for many years and they are still stuck in constant drama. I think this is a more individual person issue. If you are dating someone with a nice, reasonable, soon to be ex, that alone sounds like a plus to me. Good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for.

No. This is not how dating is these days. This is simply your conversation with this specific individual. I don't think you should be embarrassed at all. All of us are just trying to figure this out. I think dating is just having conversations with other people, if you like each other and want to continue getting to know one another, then you do. I am in a relationship now, and we met online. After my husband died and I felt that I was ready to meet someone, I went online and it was brutal. I was called fat for turning someone down, I got unsolicited pictures of someones genitals, I got tons of messages that were clear the writer did not read my profile and they were simply looking for sex only. It was terrible! Then I just decided that I wanted to meet more single people, that was actually my goal. In addition to staying online, I also volunteered and let all my friends know that I was interested in meeting someone. I persisted with looking for just regular, nice men online. I immediately blocked people that crossed lines, and if I chatted with someone that was not for me in terms of quick sex talk or I felt they were pushy, I let them know right away that I would not be interested. I talked to more than one man on the phone that was not my cup of tea for a variety of reasons, easy solution, I didn't talk to them anymore. I wouldn't waste any time talking to someone that makes you feel uncomfortable. It doesn't mean one of you is right and one of you is wrong - it just means you may not be compatible in ways that really matter to you. I too was not interested in having sex with someone quickly, and I met more than one man that was just fine with that. When I met my NG online, we were just two adults that were getting to know each other. I was never pressured into anything, by anyone. In my opinion, you should be yourself and only do what is right for you. If someone wants sex/money/promises/to move in/marriage or whatever it is on a completely different timeline than yours, I say throw them back into the dating pool to find someone that is better suited for them. I know we don't hear a lot of these stories here, I met multiple men online who were normal, nice guys. I know they are out there. Good luck!