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  1. klim

    You Spelled Out The Words For Me

    This is my therapy
  2. klim

    Out of my league parenting teens

    That is tough...... . My son does the reverse day night thing a lot and the slobiness but the direspect is what sounds extreme to me. The property damage and the lack of selfcare is also a concern. I think the counceling sounds like a good idea....but how does he respond to it? Leadfeather might have an idea there if you have anybody who could step in. Also I've heard of some camps ( outward bound around here)that cater to at risk teens. The time apart might be beneficial. A related story ,my nephew was a couple of years older....closing in on 18 but was making life in their house impossible...the direspect and property damage( it hadn't gotten really bad. Had to call the cops on him once).....so they laid down the law.But he didn't comply so they took him to a homeless shelter. He spent about 2 weeks fending for himself and then came back and things were better. My brother said it was the hardest thing he's done but one that he says it was truly the epitome of tough love. Not saying you're ready to go this route...for one thing your son is younger but.......some tough love options sometimes do work.
  3. klim


    My younger son has a gap in his front teeth, just like his dad. My son had braces and his teeth were perfect but in the 6 years since those came off the gap has appeared. The funny thing is my son always bugged his Dad about the gap and always pushed him to get it fixed. Now that he has the gap, I've heard nothing about getting it fixed. I wonder if he likes looking like his dad?
  4. I too feel an uncertainty...Trying2 your statement"The ability to be closer with him and my acceptance of us together." struck a chord for me. I'm happy being with him on dates, vacationing, doing errands , really doesn't matter I feel good doing it......but I also feel a need to be apart sometimes, to take care of my kids, my house, my stuff...so the acceptance of us together seems to be a thing. Also I've always been really slow to adjust to change....I think I fear it. I've lived in the same house for 28 yrs , had the same job/same location for 30 years. And obviously I didn't have a choice about becoming a single parent but now I'm also facing a whole bunch of change in the near future and it flusters me. 1.My kids are going to be finished university soon( one already has), 2.I can retire as soon I say the word then 3.and NG would have me move in when ever,( keeps threatening me with marriage😲) I find these things intertwined and it's like if I know my sons are ready to be independant then 2 and 3 become easier....but can I wait or do I have to figure out some other way. Also I feel I can't act on #2 because if i do it makes me more available for 3 and I don't know about that till 1 has happened .....you see it's a circle. Or maybe I just overthink things.( sometimes I do just let things happen but usually I analyze the crap out of it)
  5. klim

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Oh I get the age lying on the dating sites...didn't do it but can understand it. Some guys that I was interested in, put restrictions on who could contact them by age. I was looking for someone around my age and I couldn't contact them because they put a lower age. I was a bit frustrated( although maybe it told me a little about their personality that they were seeking younger), I'm active and young looking but was stopped in my tracks by the age restrictions. i tried to tell myself their loss, but was frustrated. I thought it was generally guys looking for younger girls but maybe it goes both ways and maybe he felt like he had been blocked and adjusted his age. I agree with LF". If you want to continue to see him I would ask point blank why he did it and then judge if his answer is good enough to let you keep seeing him." I am actually dating a fellow that lied about his location by about 80 km but he told me within 10 minutes of meeting and explained why. His actual location is very rural/farmville and definitely would have left me with an impression that isn't him at all. Anyway If the interaction was good I'd wait a little to pass judgement
  6. Thankyou this seems like a lot of work and I appreciate it.
  7. SamNE In my opinion- You want to be husband and wife....then be husband and wife.Even if it's just in your own minds. If it's not registered who needs to know. Note I am not religious and don't give that alot of significance, 1. Is such a marriage deceitful or our own business?- own business 2. Can we call each other husband and wife, or should that be reserved for the legally married?-sure why not they are just words 3. Would you as a child, friend or relative of a couple doing this attend the wedding or feel duped if you found out it wasn’t a legal wedding? All would be good but if your worried just call it a ceremony of love 4. Does anyone have any experience with having done this? No 5. If we opt for a commitment/unity/hand fasting ceremony instead of a wedding, is he your husband/she your wife?sure why not they are just words 6. What do you call one another signifying your relationship if there is no ceremony but you are together, committed and in love? whatever you want
  8. first widow ...I get the idea of there are some family moments ( like graduation) that you want to yourself. I have a very eager partner and he would be by myside for everything and sometimes I just have to say no. Last weekend he helped me move my sons home from university, which doesn't sound that emotional but honestly I kept thinking it should be my dh,their dad helping........and I kinda felt that his presence was invasive.....but his help was also helpful......and he likes to help. It was a balancing act for my emotions last week. Trying2breathe...your mother has kinda put you in a tough spot by stating that you should never remarry...but maybe she'll warmup to the idea...you know her best . Do they at least know of your boyfriend but have not met him? If not I would start by talking about him when you are with your parents. Exposure therapy ..you might say. ....getting them acclimated to the idea. Again difficult to say how people react but for me it's ll been positive. People who care about you should be happy to see you happy.
  9. I include NG in family things, even included him a little before I was ready because he was so eager. It has always gone smoothly. The only issues have been with my younger son and that is just that he has issues in general not specific to NG. I even went so far as bringing him to a engagement party for my niece on DH's side. he met most of my inlaws at that time. They were nice and receptive. Only one of DH's brothers struggled but he struggles even when I come by myself.It such a strong reminder that his brother is gone...and they were close. He has introduced me to many members of his family.Most encounters have been great. Now having said that there have been a couple of times when he has been to see some of his adult children and I think that maybe he should go on his own. That they may want to share their life with him privately and he not be bringing his new girlfriend along. For example, When he went to meet his granddaughter for the first time.....I thought that might be something he wanted to share with his son on his own but he wanted me along ...so I went. Anyways Arneal thats how family visits are going here
  10. klim

    The priorities of love.....

    I think in a committed parenthood ( two parents equally invested in the upbringing of the children) ,children will be high on the list. The prioritizing the care of children will be prioritizing the spouse because the spouse will not be at their best if the children are negelected. MY husband and I worked this way. We didn't live through the children , what we did was not childcentric , it was family oriented. We didn't do a disney cruise but went on a cruise together. We didn't go out to a fancy restaurant alone but to a nice buffet where the everyone could always get something they liked. We'd go camping because it so easily catered to all our needs. The one time we went to NYC alone ( which was great) we kept thinking about how we should be showing the boys it, so much so that we got home, we booked a family trip for 3 months later.( sidenote: my husband died before we made that second trip but I still took the boys) I am actually having more difficulty now that I am dating and my kids are on the verge of independance. Ng is a grown man, sons ( especially my son who fights with depression) still need some guidance. I don't get how if there is a conflict about who needs me I am supposed to prioritize "my man" Maybe I don't understand the depth of the meaning of prioritze.
  11. it is nice to see isn't it. I love when I see my son being a sweet boyfriend.....he really is a catch. Ok I might be a little biased as most parents tend to be, but seriously he's turned out pretty good!
  12. So my "kids" are going to be back living at home as of this Sunday. They have been away at University for 8 months and yes they came home every once in a while but now they will be there full time. The older one actually hasn't been home full time in close to 3 years as his summer jobs were with the university. In that time the relationship between NG and I has been growing. We live an hour apart so have set up a kind of schedule where date night( he comes my way as his work schedule is much more flexible) is Tuesday and then the weekends ebb and flow between his place and my place depending on what's happening. I have always been a little more relaxed at his house...we are more equals at his house. At my house I am more host. For one thing his house was a blank slate. He moved there 5 months before his wife left and they were already deteriorated to the point that there was no "we" at that point. His wife took all the furniture and stuff and NG did really the bare minimum in the year and a half before I met him to make his house his home. He had a couch, bed and dining table, two plates and a pot and a pan. Since I have arrived, we have painted the living room, he has nice livingroom set up,and he has enough pots ,pans and dishes to host a dinner party. He even has a shower curtain and bath mat. Yes I do wonder what he was doing before we met. With my sons being home full time and the fact that I always want them to feel totally relaxed in their own home combine that with my feelings that my house is my house and his house is more ours ........ well lets put it this way I feel like there maybe a shift in dynamics and I'm not sure how it's going to play out. Just wanted to share and see if anyone else shares this "his house/my house /their house/our house problem"
  13. klim

    Time warp

    I have left all the pics up but they are mixed in with baby pics and pics of my mom and dad and family vacations. They are not the standard engagement /wedding pics. My kids still live here and i think it would be odd if I systematically removed the pictures that contained DH. I will also add that I dated a guy for 3 years who had been married for 28 years and had two kids....I found it odd when he didn't have any photos of his previous life in his place.
  14. Trying2 instinct is sometimes hard to figure out... sometimes i think it's accurate and protects us but sometimes i think it's set in high gear and we're hyper reactive to thing that a fall in the normal range. Like a deer running from a photographer because they think he's a hunter. The "taking time and getting perspective" sounds wise. I ran into situation this weekend. I went over to NG's place Friday night and we went out, grabbed dinner and then back to his place and I spent the night. It is our normal routine and it was a pleasant time but nothing extra special but by the end of the night he was gushing with "I love you like crazy.... " Now He's always been ahead of me with the love and such feelings but the best I could say was love you too. And it made me very thoughtful, It's like I make his world wonderful and without me it's dull. Where as I view my life as it's good and I enjoy being with him. I'm just not a person of extremes , never have been. i was thinking I don't ever think I told DH that I loved him like crazy or at least not with the zeal that NG does. I don't think I'll ever be saying it to NG. I must say it feels wrong to not respond with an equally enthusiastic response declaring my love, but it's not my style....I'm very even keeled. Maybe I was just a little too introspective this week, Wednesday it was 5 years since DH passed.

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