CHM1988

Hello all. Haven't posted on here in a while. In two weeks, I turn thirty. I lost my boyfriend, Christopher, to a bicycle accident in 2013. We had been together for 2.5 years and lived together for about a year and a half. I thought we'd get married (also I'm a gay male just for clarity's sake). Just about six months after he died I entered into a serious relationship which turned out to be a mistake, it was a very tumultuous relationship and I was too fragile in the beginning to see the signs of what would happen. There was definitely a part of me that thought this guy would keep me safe, and that somehow if I could make him happy and give him everything he wanted, it would make up for the loss I had suffered. I wasn't thinking about myself or my true feelings. We moved in together and it turned out the person I was with had some serious anger issues that he refused to acknowledge, let alone address. I certainly didn't act perfectly throughout the relationship, but I know I didn't deserve a lot of what I dealt with. After trying really hard for almost four years, I left him. So much of the second half of my twenties were comprised of grieving over Christopher and dealing with constant fighting with my now ex. Also during this time I was working on my career and I now have a steady but sometimes stressful and aggravating full-time job. I've been on my own for about six months and I was doing okay but lately it feels like everything is catching up with me as my birthday is coming up, and then in November it will be the 5 year anniversary of his death. Maybe I was foolish not to anticipate this, but I've been reflecting on my 20s so much as they come to an end and it has me really messed up. I've been crying every night for almost two weeks. I've been back to "bargaining", just wishing I could talk to Christopher one more time, imagining him coming through my door and comforting me when I'm alone. I'm going on a ten-day vacation next week to visit friends and celebrate my birthday in California, and I don't want to be feeling this way, constantly on the verge of tears, when I'm there. This feeling also makes it hard to keep up with life now that I'm single and living alone. Things like cleaning, managing money, all that day-to-day stuff can feel incredibly overwhelming. I was really looking forward to turning 30 and putting my incredibly difficult 20s behind me. I still am, I just wish I could shake these feelings. I feel like all I can do is trust that I will come out on the other side of this but for now it's really taking a toll. Sometimes crying can be cathartic and good, but it's been lasting too long at this point. So, I don't know, I just needed to vent. Hugs to all of you.

Everyone's posts here mean a lot. People keep saying they can't offer much but just knowing that I'm not the only one struggling with this stuff is so meaningful. TooSoon it's really brave of you to admit to yourself and to us here that you are unhappy. I know that for me, and what I'm getting from some others here too, is that I so want everything to be fine and great that I won't give into feelings of unhappiness. So I don't get help for them, and I get angry when I feel them and it's just this cycle that totally holds me back. I think admitting unhappiness is a really important step that a lot of people don't do and therefore do not get better from. You are taking an important step! Sending all the love and support to everyone.

I know how you feel - my boyfriend was killed in an accident on November 18th. I do still love the fall objectively but every time there's that change in the air I get terrible flashbacks and kind of turn into a nutcase for the season. Thinking of you and sending love!

Thank you all for these responses. I was sitting there reading them on Sunday morning, crying. I know a lot of you said that you didn't have much wisdom to offer but just knowing that there are others out there with similar feelings and experiences is so meaningful. I wish none of us had to go through this, but for me one of the hardest aspects of grief is how isolated I sometimes feel from my friends and peers, especially since I was only 25 when he died. I can't ever underestimate the power of hearing from others and knowing that I'm not alone in this. TooSoon2.0 I'm so glad that my post has encouraged you to talk more - it is SO important! That isolation feeling can lead to some really bad behavior, I think. And at least for me I get convinced that there's no one out there who understands so what's the point of reaching out anyway, but that's not true! Mizpah Interesting that you used the phrase "fight or flight," as my bf points that out about my behavior all the time. Your response was really helpful and meaningful, thank you! Bunny I would definitely recommend giving therapy a try. just the chance to sit there and air your feelings and thoughts out can be really helpful. Thank you to everyone for your responses. Big hugs!!!

Hi All, I haven't posted here in literally years, and I think a lot of the reason for that is denial. I haven't sought out help when I need it because I so don't want to face why I need help still. I'm coming up on the four year anniversary of my boyfriend's death in an accident (I'm a gay male, just fyi), and I have made great progress from those first months of hard grief but I have also internalized a lot and it's causing a lot of problems in my new relationship. I met new guy only six months or so after my boyfriend's death. I never imagined it would get so serious but it did. He's an amazing guy, patient, loving and optimistic with me even when I'm at my worst. But after all this time I still have trouble getting close to him. I protect myself from being too vulnerable or open around him because I'm so afraid of getting hurt again. We have really bad fights because of this, because he wants me to get the help I need to move forward in life with him. The fighting has been really bad lately because he had a heart procedure last month and I just was not/am not there for him around the time of it/during his recovery. He's a confident, well-measured guy and I took advantage of that and totally checked out because I couldn't handle the emotions around him having this procedure done. I could barely stand to be in the hospital with him on the day of the procedure, and left as soon as I could that night (he only had to stay one night). He's really hurt by this, and we've fought more which has made his recovery not as smooth as it should be. I feel terrible but I can't seem to stop myself from being short or cranky with him when he doesn't deserve it because of my own anxiety. Then things calm down, the voice in my head convinces me that everything's fine and I don't pursue help. I was in therapy the first year after my boyfriend died then stopped, I don't think that therapist was right for me. Now I've been seeing a new therapist for a couple months and it's helping but my current BF really wants me to see a psychiatrist and I agree that this is something I should pursue but I keep putting it off. I put a lot of stuff off because I don't want to deal with it. I just hate thinking about the loss of my previous boyfriend so much that I'll do anything to confront it. And I'm protecting myself by not letting myself get too close to new BF out of fear something will happen to him, but I"m realizing now how that also "protects" me from being truly happy too. I don't really know where I'm going with this post. Just had to ramble/vent, and am hoping to hear how others have coped with the long term effects of grief and particularly how it affects your relationships with others. And I'm being an extra basket case lately with the four year anniversary only a few weeks away. Sigh. Love and hugs to everyone here.

The title says it all. In one week, it will mark 2 years since my partner was killed in a bicycle accident. I've heard a few people say the second year as harder. While I'd be silly not to acknowledge all the great things and people that have come into my life over this last year, I can still relate to that. There was a tenderness in the first year that I don't feel as much anymore. Now I feel more anger, and things are more complicated. I have been practicing a lot of avoidance but I know I should make some kind of plan for the 18th, even if I don't keep it. My instinct is to do something alone but I don't quite know what. Maybe get a nice dinner, walk around Central Park, or take a train north and have a little day trip. What did you all do on the 2-year mark?

Story of my life! It is easy to let anger get the best of us. As long as we are trying, and seeking help/trying to calm ourselves when we need to, that's the best we can do I think. Hugs.

I cannot thank everyone enough for your virtual hugs and words of advice! Seriously, I can't say what I'd do without this network of caring, resilient and wise widdas! For now, my boyfriend and I are going to keep trying. We both need to take more steps to ensure that we are being mutually respectful, that we are communicating well. I am the KING of bottling things up/pretending nothing is wrong, I'm sure many here can relate to that. I was always like that, but dealing with grief doesn't help. We're definitely not out of the woods, but we are doing a little better, and we're going to scrimp and save to take a little weekend trip, just the two of us, in the near future which I think will be great for both of us. I was in therapy for a year after the accident, but then I had to go on Medicaid and it's tough to find a therapist covered by them, but I've also been slacking on finding a new one, which is now a top priority. In the meantime I'm really just taking things day by day leading up to the 2 year anniversary. Again, thanks all and sorry it took me so long to respond.

I met my new boyfriend (I'm a gay male, just to clarify) several months after my Christopher died in a bicycle accident in November 2013. Me and the new guy have had great times and he's been very patient and understanding with me regarding my grief. We've had great times and made great memories together. Of course we had our hard times as well, but we always worked through them. In September, I moved in with him. It was a pretty big move from him as I left NYC to live in the Hudson Valley with him. I still work in the city so I don't have to miss it too much, and I was really excited about making this change in my life. It felt so good. For about 5 seconds. Then we fought, every weekend when we were together, almost all weekend. We are struggling a lot with money. We make ends meet, but barely. There's nothing left for dates or trips or anything extra. He wants to leave the NYC area, I don't. He's 34, I'm 27, our priorities are a little different. Basically there's just a lot of strain on our relationship right now and we're almost at the point of being more roommates than boyfriends. I hate it, and we're trying to get closer, but I'm worried with all the fighting we did and the distance we created that it's just too late. I keep saying I want to try to get that closeness back but nothing seems to work. To top it all off, the 2 year anniversary of Christopher's death is coming up in less than a month. This whole time of year just messes with my head and I'm struggling with a lot of anger right now and my heart just aches all the time. I'm worried this could be clouding my judgement and making me want to break up with my current guy more than I would if I was thinking clearly. Christopher was my first boyfriend, I thought we'd be together forever and so of course I've never been in this position before. Living together makes it 10 times harder. Sigh. I guess I'm just feeling very lost and sad and I could use some virtual hugs and maybe a little advice.

11/18 for me, I'm right there with you. *hugs*

All I can say is thank you for posting this. We've all felt this way at times. After the first year things change, and change is hard after all that we've been though. Sending hugs.

Well I did it. Today is day number 3 in the new apartment. It's surreal and I get upset when I wake up and look around the new room and have to remember how I got there. When I was packing everything up I just kept thinking "I shouldn't be doing this." But I did. I know it's an important step and I'm trying to acknowledge that above anything else. Thank you all for your messages of support. As time has gone on since Christopher's death, one thing I've noticed is that I feel more and more isolated, there's just no one who can truly relate to this without having been through it and the kindness and support from everyone at YW since that awful day in November 2013 has been so valuable. Hugs to everyone.

"So as I stood there today one part was surprised by feeling these past two years feeling more like it has been 10 and another part feeling like it was only two months ago." Yes, exactly. Sending hugs and love.

The time has finally come, I'm leaving the apartment where I spent 1.5 years with my amazing boyfriend, who died in a bicycle accident in November 2013. I always knew I'd have to leave, but now I have no choice - last month our landlord let us (I have two roommates) know that he's raising the rent by $600. We live in a trendy Brooklyn neighborhood, what are you gonna do? It's still not sinking in that I have to go. I'm avoiding everything. It took me days to gather the nerve to call the utility companies and cancel services (everything was in my name, unfortunately). I still have so many of his things here, most importantly his massive CD collection, which has been tucked into a closet for most of this time because I can't bear to look at them. I haven't been able to bring myself to pack anything. Tonight his sister, who is like family to me, is going to come by and spend the night, and I'm sending her off with a couple boxes of his clothes and other personal items. This will help in the practical sense, but it's ripping my heart out too. Anyway, I'm a basket case at the moment. I have to leave for work in a few minutes but I've been crying for the last half hour. I have an amazing boyfriend and amazing friends and family, but that doesn't stop me from feeling alone and isolated, at least not right now. I've worked so hard to move forward but now all I can think of his how much I want to snap my fingers and have everything go back to the way it was. I would give anything just to talk to him for one minute, just to even get a glimpse of him and feel the way it did when he was alive for a second. I don't think I have to say that much, you all know what this is like.

So weird, I'm having a horrible day to day that was all started by a dream. An awful one where I was somehow in the old movie and record store where my boyfriend and I used to go shopping. All of a sudden the store was full and everyone was laughing at me about my boyfriend being dead. Suffice it to say I haven't gotten out of bed much today since waking up. So sorry for what you and all of us are going through. Hugs.