SamNE

TtB I have been thinking about how to frame my letters. I don’t want to say I might have forgotten. Instead, I am telling them I opened the box for the first time since his passing and reread all the cards sent while he was ill, and after he died. Looked at the list of flowers sent, donations made, and was overcome with such a sense of gratitude, realizing anew how many people cared, were there for him and for me. The anniversary of his death is coming up and I wanted to remind them how much their expressions mattered then and made a difference. Each one will be a personal and specific note. Then, I feel that I can part with these sad momentos. Thank you for responding, and to all who understand. Sam

I am in a new life too, and it’s a good life, but there are so many times I still miss my DH. It’s a strange thing: I was on autopilot for almost a year, unable to manage much of anything, it was so hard to envision my way forward. I couldn’t sleep, drank more than was good for me, dated too soon, and just felt kind of lost. I had never lived alone before.The memorabilia from his passing just got put into a box and I moved it and stored it but didn’t look into it again until now. His birthday is coming up and the anniversary of his passing is also, and opening that box and reading all the notes and cards and things I had saved made to realize how much love and support was around him and me. I wish I could remember if I acknowledged them, I hope I did, but I think it would be a good time to reach out now. Thank you for the affirmation here. I have not been a frequent poster in this group but I have visited and read regularly off and on and have felt so much understanding and fellowship just being here.

Thank you so much for these responses. You are so affirming and I appreciate your encouragement to go ahead and reach out. I am going to do it.

It has been thirteen years. I live in a new house after two moves since he died. I am finally going through boxes of memories. In one of the boxes were sympathy cards, cards that came with his funeral flowers and notifications of donations made in his memory. I reread every one of them, and there were many, with a full heart. I was so overwhelmed at the time he died, after a year of losing him by inches, I barely remember the weeks and months after, I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Gradually, I moved forward. I am in a good place now. But today, I read everything in that box and I had an awful thought. I do not remember if I wrote thank you notes for the flowers, the donations, for the meals people brought while he was dying. I feel a little heartsick now hoping I did but thinking maybe I didn’t. The anniversary of his death is coming up soon. is this a good time to reach out to some of those people with my honest gratitude? Perhaps telling them that I was unpacking memories and reminded anew of the caring they extended and how much their words, flowers and donations in his memory meant to me? Or is it too late? He was a well-known, well-loved man and many expressions came from his colleagues. Thank you for your thoughts.

Thank you to those who are taking the time to respond to my questions. I posed my question here knowing there would be diverse opinions and ideas from those who I know would really get it, and I wanted to hear thoughts before facing many in my family, church and circle, which ever we end up doing. I know that ultimately, it is our decision and we must accept the risks and consequences of whichever we decide. Thank you to all for your honest, thoughtful ideas and reactions either way, it is helping us both to think things through. Sam

I am appreciating these various perspectives, because I do feel concerns about balancing what we want (to be married to each other but also to protect the other in case of long term care needs down the road) and doing the right thing morally and ethically in the eyes of selves, family, God and government. To clarify, we are not looking for any of the government “perks” of marriage in terms of inheritance, taxes, or rights that come with a “legal” marriage registered in city hall. We just want to take vows before family, friends and God, and want to be husband and wife honorably and spiritually. No, vows are not just words, they are sacred promises. We don’t mind not being married in the eyes of Uncle Sam, and would never lie about that for any government married benefits, we just want to be married in the eyes of God, yet not be seen in our community of friends, church and family as being just boyfriend/girlfriend as if we had simply moved in together. I know we could also also create something unique, a Ceremony of Love and Commitment (thank you for that idea, Klim!) and never call each other husband or wife. And I think I actually wouldn’t mind being introduced by him as “This is my Beloved, Sam” . Re assets, a prenup protects you in case of death or divorce, but if your spouse runs out of money while alive because of exorbitant health care costs, you too must deplete what you had put aside to cover your own long term health care costs before your spouse qualifies for Medicaid. So, like in my twice-widowed mother’s case, her first husband (my father) had made good provisions for her, but her second husband depleted his money and then depleted hers before he died because that is one of the unintended penalties of a legal marriage, and she therefore ran out of money at a time in her life when she was most vulnerable and needed it.

These are good and helpful thoughts.... Main Squeeze...l dunno. Boyfriend sounds kinda weird and juvenile at our age. “My Love” ? “My Sweetheart” ? “ My Beloved” ? Interestingly, I saw an article about this very thing after I posted my questions and the author said we need new words and suggested Compara (female) and Comparo (male) Thank you for assuring me everyone would come. I was afraid the religious traditionalists might think it was a fake, illegitimate wedding, if we go that route.

Two widowed people find one another after being alone for years and fall in love. They are both in their 60’s with 2 adult children each. They each have pensions, mutual funds acquired during their previous marriages and are receiving social security. Financially they are both good and about equal. They have decided to be a committed couple and spend the rest of their lives together. They figure out how they will share expenses, and they even decide to write an agreement, which they have notarized, about how they will do that, and how they will handle joint property if one or the other should leave by choice or death. They both agree they would like “yours, mine and ours” when it comes to money so they can leave what they don’t need individually or as a couple to their respective children. They take out $100,000 term life insurance policies as a way to help take care of the other knowing all too well that one will likely die before the other, but naming their children as secondary beneficiaries if they die together. They want to marry each other because they want to declare to each other and to the world that they are a couple, in the eyes of man and God. Both of them have set aside money to pay for long term care, should they ever need it. Her mother didn’t do that and went through hundreds of thousands of dollars for assisted living before running out of money and becoming eligible for Medicaid, which paid for her last years in a nursing home that would not have been her choice if she had planned ahead. She was widowed and died penniless. This widow does not want to go down that road and has set aside money for this, which will go to her children if she never needs it. He has done the same. The laws of the land however, say that if married, one must not only go through all their own money before becoming eligible for Medicaid, but also most of the spouses money. So, in effect, her medical needs could potentially wipe out not only her assets, but also his, leaving nothing for his own future needs, or to pass along to his children. And vice versa too of course. So in this case, marrying means that should either of them need long term care down the road, the other could potentially get wiped out financially. Eligibility starts when all you have left is $2500. So, they are reluctantly deciding not to marry, in order not to compromise the future financial needs of the other. Money isn’t everything, Love is important too. But when it comes down to being old and alone, money seems like a good thing to have on hand to see you through to the end. They are thinking to have a wedding anyway, only not register the marriage, ie being married in all but the legal sense. They do not live in a common law state. This couple (obviously me and my beloved) would like any thoughts you might offer: 1. Is such a marriage deceitful or our own business? 2. Can we call each other husband and wife, or should that be reserved for the legally married? 3. Would you as a child, friend or relative of a couple doing this attend the wedding or feel duped if you found out it wasn’t a legal wedding? 4. Does anyone have any experience with having done this? 5. If we opt for a commitment/unity/hand fasting ceremony instead of a wedding, is he your husband/she your wife? 6. What do you call one another signifying your relationship if there is no ceremony but you are together, committed and in love? Thanks for any thoughts. Sam

I haven't posted in a long long time, but I was reading tonight, hoping to find some comfort. This post by Captains Wife about dating so resonates with me. I have been dating him for 2.5 years. I cannot bring myself to take next steps with him because I too often feel such a disconnect, like he doesn't really see me or get me at all. And a week ago, I knew I needed to retreat for a while to figure things out without his expectations pulling at me. I was clear I didn't want to break up, just wanted a temporary break. When he couldn't talk me out of it today, he broke up with me.

It's been almost ten years for me, and that is exactly how I feel too. I feel like I need a life edit about now, but I don't know how to do it without everyone thinking I have flipped my lid. I want to back out on serving as the president in an organization that drags me down, even though I was excited about it a year ago. I want to babysit grandkids less, even though I love them. I want a sabbatical from the nice man I am dating, even though I only see him on weekends. I want to let my elderly neighbor I invite over for dinner fend for himself, even though I care about him. I want to stop visiting my mother so often. I just want to do it the way they tell you to spring clean a bureau drawer...take everything out, and put back just the things you really want in the nice orderly way you want it. I am developing stress-related symptoms in my body and I know it's this feeling of being empty and missing something essential in my overly busy and committed life with these agreements I made that I now don't know how to undo. I have fantasies about running away, at least for a while.

So, if someone is an Acquantance, they don't get your posts in their feed and you don't get theirs? But will they see your posts when they go to your page if your audience did not include acquaintances ? Just want to be sure, as I also don't want to offend someone whose posts are driving me crazy. Sam

Thank you so much for these perspectives and for sharing your own experiences. Lots to think about.

I am 8 +'years out and NG is divorced. We have been dating for 7 months. Lots in common, good chemistry, we have fun together and he is a good person. I have worked hard not to let myself slide into the "poor me" stuff, both in my own head and in my relationship. Basically, I see the bright side, even though I have had my troubles obviously. Lately, he goes there a lot. Mildly to moderately down about one thing or another kind of often. The ex, his work, little things like someone not calling him back, someone taking his parking spot....etc. He takes an antidepressant and sees a therapist and I am OK with that. What's wearing on me some is dealing with his frequent downs. They aren't major, they are just a drag I am feeling less and less willing to try to cheer him out of. Initially, I would do it and feel good that I could cheer him out of his funks. But it's getting old. We were together for a while this afternoon, both needed to do some other things by ourselves, and planned to get together again this evening. He was in a down earlier and I just didn't want to deal. I sent him a text and begged off tonight's plans telling him I was feeling headachey and tired. I want to be understanding and supportive re his ups and downs, but inside my own head, I am thinking, " I just can't deal with depressed." For those of you who have had depressed partners: how does one cope with this? Am I enabling him by trying to be the cheerful one all the time? Does he need understanding or should I just keep my distance when his mood is dragging me down? I find myself wondering if I am implicitly agreeing to a relationship dynamic I don't want. Sam

A have met several nice people from online sites, and especially appreciated early on when a man I had been chatting with offered me his full name and address when he asked me for our first date, even though I wasn't ready to do the same. I did google him. We ended up seeing each other for 2 years. I think it is wise for women to do this. I had two interesting things come up when I googled before first meetings with men who sounded very nice on the phone. One man had been in jail for murder, and it came up on a Google search because the victim's family was protesting his early release. And the victim was a woman. Another man had been found guilty of embezzling money from his employer. So I saved myself from meeting two guys who had baggage I did not want to take on. Sam

I find people endlessly curious about my dating life, and I don't like being asked pointed questions about our status. I too can tend to be an over explainer and I am trying to stick with a standard, " we are friends" until I am ready to say more. I feel judged, but maybe it's my own little hang up because others have commented negatively wondering why I think I need a man when I am financially set. It's hard dating in the same old town. I have sometimes wondered if moving away for a fresh start wouldn't make my life so much easier, though I am sure that has it tough side too. Sam