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daysofelijah

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  1. daysofelijah

    My Daughter doesn't like my NG

    It's hard to know everything kids feel when a NG comes into the situation. My kids have all had struggles at different times over the last three years with NG and our relationship. Idk, this is just my opinion, and keep in mind I was raised very conservative. But this seems really soon to be having your NG sleeping over and talking about moving in. I don't wonder why your daughter is freaked out about it. The way you wrote it, it sounds like you told her "this is how it is, this is what's happening" not, "what would you think if..." or "how would you feel about...". A new man that's only been around for 5-6 months moving in is a lot to take in for a 16 year old, esp one who lost their father. I'd caution you to take things slower and wait until you have been together at least a year to start talking about moving in together. That's just my viewpoint of a situation where older kids are involved especially. My NG didn't start sleeping over, and then only on weekends, until 2 years into our relationship. We will not live together until after our wedding (this Saturday!). I know this isn't the common way to do things, but it's been good for all of us to take things slow and let my kids get used to things. And things still aren't perfect, my 15 yo is currently in a way rebellious stage about school and life in general that is making things really stressful at the moment. I hope things work out in a way that you can both be happy and comfortable with the situation! Congratulations on your new relationship!
  2. daysofelijah

    Committed But Not Married (Long)

    1. Is such a marriage deceitful? In the eyes if the government and probably the church, yes it is deceitful, but it is also your own business. 2. Can we call each other husband and wife, or should that be reserved for the legally married? Your business, but I believe it should reserved for legally married couples 3. Would you as a child, friend or relative of a couple doing this attend the wedding or feel duped if you found out it wasn’t a legal wedding? Eh, idk, another thing that's your business I guess. With my experience it would probably offend me a little bit, but I'd also understand the choice. 4. Does anyone have any experience with having done this? I am getting married in two weeks. I will lose the $724 a month I get from dh's survivor's benefits, and I probably will lose my "free" insurance. And I stand to lose other financial benefits in the future, I'm sure. But I am choosing to be legally married, because I believe it is the right thing to do. If I was in my 60's with no children I might look at it differently. At 42 with 4 relatively young children still, my viewpoint is much different that yours. 5. If we opt for a commitment/unity/hand fasting ceremony instead of a wedding, is he your husband/she your wife? No 6. What do you call one another signifying your relationship if there is no ceremony but you are together, committed and in love? Significant other, boyfriend/girlfriend, partner?? I had a great aunt who was with the same man for at least 50 years. They never married because he would lose his disability or something like that. But they were always together, always "E & R", but they were never husband and wife. I always wonder about how she really felt about that, if she was happy with it, or if she would have liked to be married. Financial constraints suck when they have to limit life's happiness.
  3. daysofelijah

    Turning Off the Cell Phone

    I ended up keeping his and turning mine off soon after he died. This was five years ago though, when I wasn't very attached to a cell phone. He had the better phone, so it made sense.
  4. daysofelijah

    ? about realtor and selling house

    My realtor or his associate always showed the house when it was needed, and let me know any feedback within 24 hours. I don't think we ever had fliers, but he did have signs up on the main roads right away. It sold within the first two weeks last spring because it was a good market for a starter family home. Sounds like your realtor isn't very motivated. Or maybe just really busy. Good luck, hopefully a good buyer comes along soon!
  5. daysofelijah

    a widow dating a new widower - help!

    I don't think he's the man for you. It sounds like he's trying to set up the "ideal" wife in the woman he is dating, but might be happy to set you up as the other woman. I don't know your culture, so maybe I am way off, but either way, I would recommend moving on.
  6. daysofelijah

    Advice needed!!!!

    Wow that's a tough one. My jealousy would have probably ruined the relationship a long time ago. I wouldn't be able to handle him giving more time to his mom than me. My NG's mom is 89 and still lives alone in their family home, she also still drives (which makes me nervous). NG's sisters do most of the caring for and checking in on her (almost daily), although he is responsible for most of the house upkeep and mowing the lawn in the summer. This works out to be him needing to go there maybe once a week, less in the winter. I usually go along and visit with her while he does the chores. 76 is not that old nowadays, and she could potentially live for 25 more years! I guess if you are okay with how things are now and if they continue that way indefinitely you might be okay? I'm sorry you are in such a hard situation!
  7. daysofelijah

    My Greatest Fear

    I love my average ordinary life. I love going to work three days a week at the local school, I love attending my kids various activities, and I LOVE snuggling with my guy each night on the couch. Okay, I don't love doing laundry and cooking and cleaning for all these people, but the rest of it is pretty darn good.
  8. daysofelijah

    money issues with recoupling

    We are getting married in May. We aren't going to combine everything financially for at least the first year or so. NG is either short-sale or letting his house go, so I don't want my name put to that. I had a bankruptcy right before DH died that will soon be "falling off" my credit. So neither one of us have great credit. He has a lot more debt than I do. I do have my house mostly paid off with dh's life insurance, so I would like that to stay with me and the kids. But NG will be moving in here soon and it will be his home too, so I'm not really sure how to handle that. I will have to get a will drawn up and get that all settled. It is definitely a different stage now for sure, then when I was young and single with no kids the first time I got married.
  9. daysofelijah

    Dating as a widow parent of young kids

    I started dating 2 years out, when my youngest was 3 (now 6). By that time my oldest was 12, so he could babysit for a few hours while we went to dinner or a movie. My kids all met NG very early on, because he came to do some work for me and that was our fist meeting. It worked out, but I probably wouldn't have done that in a more regular or more casual dating situation. It does suck never having a night off for a sleepover, etc. My parents are very conservative, so I wouldn't be able to ask them to watch the kids while I had an overnight with NG, and 4 kids is really too much to ask a friend to watch. So in our first two years of dating, I think we had a total of two sleepovers together when I was able to work it out that all of my kids would be gone. Over the last nine months or so, since getting firmly committed, and then engaged, NG stays over on weekends. It took a while for me to really feel comfortable with it, but the kids just took it as normal. NG won't move in until after we are married. It is definitely a whole different world. Do what you feel comfortable with, what feels right for you.
  10. daysofelijah

    Preparedness.... Your advice?

    My experience was similar to Meema's. I was left angry with DH at the end, because he refused to accept or prepare for the inevitable. It's one of the many reasons I have not been able to attend church much since his passing. He was sooo focused and convinced that he was going to be miraculously healed that I was left holding the bag full of decisions for me and our four children. By the time he finally accepted it, he had had a stroke and couldn't talk, write, see well, no time left to help me, or to do anything for us. I guess I would say be prepared as the surviving spouse to have to do it all. Make all the financial choices, end of life choices, everything. I would wish that even though he refused to accept that he was dying, that he would have left something for our kids. A recording, a note, a letter, anything.
  11. daysofelijah

    BIL creeping me out...

    I agree, the recently widowed father of my son's good friend made several attempts to date me a couple years ago. He didn't take a gentle no for an answer, and trying to help him with other things, or just be nice and social only made things harder. I had to go to ignoring, except for texts having directly to do with our sons. I never said anything to my son, or his friend obviously. That just would have embarrassed everyone involved. Sometimes kindness is seen as encouragement or leaving the door open and you have to be a little more harsh than you'd like to be, unfortunately.
  12. daysofelijah

    Where to Draw the Line ??? With Exes

    It's hard. I think I wrote a post just like this a year or so ago. NG has been much better since I had a talk w him about texting with the ex during our time. They really only text about their son now, and not very often since he is 17. It took time and talking and clear expectations to get to this point though, and it's been 3 years for us. He even had one slip up on this NYE when she texted asking something about the kid, and then he tried to start an argument about "something someone said she said about him". I was not pleased, but when he realized what he was doing he shut it down pretty quickly. He had had a few drinks so that was probably what happened. I think they spent so many years fighting, it just comes natural sometimes! It feels unfair that he doesn't have to deal with my ex issues sometimes. I hope you can feel comfortable to express your expectations to him and he responds favorably.
  13. daysofelijah

    Newly Widowed

    I'm sorry for your loss and that you are enduring this loss. I lost my husband to cancer 5 years ago when I was 37. It is a surreal situation no one should ever have to go through.
  14. daysofelijah

    5 years...

    It was 5 years for me last October. I didn't say anything much to anyone that I recall. That life seems so long ago. The new normal is what I am in now, and I don't take the time to reflect much on what happened 5 years ago. Maybe it was too surreal, too painful? Idk. I am happy now, though once in a while a crushing thought still flies in. Just yesterday I was thinking, wow, 2018, Terry, I made it to 2018, and you only saw 2012, so unfair. But then the thought flies out and I go on with the new life of normal. Thank you for sharing your perspective and thoughts. I'm happy for you that you can embrace the good in your life as it is now.
  15. daysofelijah

    Snow....anyone else going to be walloped today?

    I wish we had more snow so it might warm up a little, just a couple icy inches on the ground right now. It's -15 right now and I think it's only gotten above zero once in the last two weeks. BRRRRR! There's sposed to be a warm up starting next week though into the 20's, it will feel like a heat wave, lol. Love Minnesota winters.

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