Silwe

I'm at 4 years now, but I remember hitting the absolute lowest point at about 6-8 months. I partied like crazy every weekend and at times in between too (student life..). I have almost no memories of that time - some hazy flashes that almost all have something to do with partying and pretending to be ok. Definitely not proud of that period of time.

My fiance died a bit over four years ago in an accident. I'm now happily married to NG, and everything is going good. BUT. I have this huge, crippling, agonising fear that I'll lose him, too. It hits me so suddenly at times - e.g. if he doesn't answer the phone I might get a panic attack and assume that the worst has happened. It comes in different situations and it's so hard to cope with it. Anyone with the same problem? I'm so tired of starting to irrationally hyperventilate if he's just forgot his phone on mute. I don't panic every time, either, just sometimes, but it's usually really bad when I do. How have you handled these kinds of feelings?

I seem to be plagued by agonising dreams of my fiance, who passed away in 2013. The dreams are always a little different, but they follow the same pattern: at first I am happy, living with New Guy. Then suddenly, it is revealed that my first fiance never died or was resurrected somehow. My first fiance is very happy and wants us to continue like nothing had happened, then it dawns on him that I have moved on. All the time, there is a little voice in my head saying CHOOSE, CHOOSE, CHOOSE. I hate those dreams! I know I don't have to choose. But still. I was so happy with DF, but now I'm equally happy with New Guy - perhaps even happier. But I am a completely different person now than I used to be... Gah these dreams are driving me nuts! Sorry for the rant... This just seems to be the only place to talk about things like this. Thank you for 'listening'. <3

It's been a while since I was actively aware of how long it has been since his death. But just now I thought back to it, and realised with a pang that it's been two years and five months, which is one month more than we were together. I'm not sure how I feel about it. But I know I've been feeling a lot of guilt lately for moving on so quickly... I seem to be all confused about how I should feel about his death. It feels like I'm not sad enough, as I'm so happy with new guy. I'm deeply in love with new guy, and I think we fit together better than my deceased fianc? and I ever did. It's as if him dying let me find my true love, and I feel just horrible writing that out. I don't know if it was good at all to write this, my guilt seems to just increase with everything I say.... It's just that since his death I've found so much new - new friends, hobbies, new love, new experiences. I started studying something new and I love it there despite all the stress school is causing me at the moment. Am I a horrible person for thinking that if I was given the chance now to turn back time... I wouldn't take it?

So...Last night, 22 minutes past midnight, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Exactly two years ago my fianc? died at the hospital after two hours of attempts to save his life. I fell apart completely, in a way I haven't done in half a year. All those memories came to me clear and so, so painful. I believe I don't even actually remember just how painful it was, and still the memory of it is almost too much to stand. Two years ago, at half past one I woke up to a call from my fiance's mother. After the call I think I remember walking around the apartment in a daze, just crying and screaming incoherently. I couldn't help but to do it, and yet it didn't make it feel any easier. I have never felt such emotional pain - I thought it literally felt like I was being stabbed over and over again. These memories haunted me last night... it's a wonder I was able to fall asleep at all.

I moved my ring to my right hand after a month, and took it off at approx. 5 months out. It felt right for me..

I am now at 23 months and two days, and I dread the end of July. I never liked summer, and now I like it even less. I'm really scared I'll break apart and destroy the fragile image of being alright. I feel alright most of the time, and I feel like all my friends think I should've gotten over my grief already. But I'm not alright, although much better now than a year ago. I haven't been to his grave since... November last year I think. It's a two-hour drive away, and I've been planning to make a trip there on my own on the 27th of July. But I'm scared... of what, I'm not even sure. I feel like I'd like to go alone, but I don't know if I'll be fit to drive all the way. Should I take new guy with me... or someone else... I don't know.

I have noticed that I feel very reluctant to tell new acquaintances that I have been widowed, although I feel that it is a big part of who I am. Some time ago (a few months I think), I realised that I have met many many new people in the last two years, some of whom I have become quite close with, but of whom only a handful knows about my DF. At the same time I feel tempted to shock people with this macabre bit of information, and sometimes end up doing so (especially after a drink or two, like a few days ago).. Do others feel like this, or am I weird?

I'll answer the easiest question first: yes, I do feel guilty. Not as frequently as I used to, but yes, I do at times. How I knew... that's harder to answer. But I think it was quite early on, we really "clicked into place" right from the start, like two pieces of a puzzle. It felt right, we got along really well (and still do, after one year), and he did not shrink away from me even after I told of DF. But as @Bluebird said, I also feel lucky to be given a second chance at great love. I hope it will last longer than the first chance, and fear the universe will kick me in the head again.

I too have stopped to think of myself as a young widow, and have started to feel more like just a girlfriend to New Guy. A girlfriend who has some difficult shit to deal with, yes, but no longer "a widow who is with a new guy". At times I feel a bit guilty about it, and it is confusing, as I feel mostly happy nowadays. I look to the future now, too, and mostly I feel that I'm doing the right thing. Mostly.

I feel you, and I don't think it's stupid. I had a similar experience watching How I Met Your Mother. He loved it, and never got to see how it ended. Same goes for a number of other series, most of which I watched to the end with my best friend after we moved in together as roommates after my DF died. All the time watching I kept thinking "oh he would have loved this" "this answers the question he always thought about when we were watching"... It feels so silly to grieve that he never got to see who the mother actually was in HIMYM. As if I needed more things to grieve about. Edit, as I just noticed the last comment: THIS. I watched hockey for the first time since his death only a few weeks ago, which too was almost 2 years after his death. He was a huge hockey fan, almost to the point of being fanatical about it. I threw away his hockey fan stuff a long time ago, I couldn't bear to look at it.

I used to listen to a lot of music after my DF died. It has been almost two years now, and as I listen to the same music as I did then, I realise that something has changed. I've got over some kind of a milestone in my grieving. It might be because I found a new man, who has been everything I could have asked for, and has helped me a lot. There was this one song I used to listen to, and cry like a waterfall, because it reminded me of what I had and lost. It's this one, but it's in Finnish: I translated the text roughly, so here goes: I return home through the thick smoke People walk by, there?s a hole in the road A wooden station, a closed-down factory I hug myself, hide my hands from the wind If I didn?t know you?re there, I wouldn?t keep on, I couldn?t lift my gaze from the ground When darkness comes I squeeze your hand You'll still be here tomorrow won't you You end the sentences I begin And pick up the pieces as I break apart So you'll still be here tomorrow won't you You'll still be here tomorrow won't you I could listen to your clinging laughter Until the glacial ice melts or night prevails When the crows caw and the soil goes deep I know I did something right when I held on to you The more time goes, I hope That this bliss is eternal When darkness comes I squeeze your hand You'll still be here tomorrow won't you You end the sentences I begin And pick up the pieces as I break apart So you'll still be here tomorrow won't you You'll still be here tomorrow won't you The same force that makes the leaves grow That teaches a small child to walk That drives birds to warmth in the winter Brought us together Brought us together When darkness comes I squeeze your hand You'll still be here tomorrow won't you You end the sentences I begin And pick up the pieces as I break apart So you'll still be here tomorrow won't you You'll still be here tomorrow won't you Now, as I listen to it, and cry, I realise that in my mind the song has a new meaning - it no longer speaks directly of my DF, but of my new BF. He's now the one who finishes my sentences, who picks up the pieces when I fall apart, whom I hug at night and am terrified to lose because of what I've previously experienced. I don't know how I feel about this. Do I feel relieved that I am moving on, or do I feel guilty?

This. We had everything planned out, the date was set, and we were about to start with concrete preparations.. And then he died in an accident. We got a mere 2,5 years together, a blissful and happy time period in my life. I used to feel angry and cheated, and hated to see elderly couples. I'm almost two years out now though, and I just realised when reading @Mizpah 's comment, that soon he will have been dead longer than we were together. I dread that day. But I feel you, @the_master . Hugs.