duckie

Hi all! Duckie here checking in as things have been going exceptionally well with NG. I think I'm in love again!!! We're talking about moving in together and he's slowly been getting more space in my place. I'd love to find a new one to start over in... but the same apartment I had with DH may just be too good to give up. The comparisons I was making between the two have largely gone away. They are very different and the things I loved most about DH are not the same qualities I love in NG. But there is one major similarity; that sense of security that comes with a real partner in life. Another first since DH died, I just passed a full year in a job. Things are almost stable! It's taken me a few years of weaning, but I've also been off those damn antidepressants they gave me for almost two weeks now. I actually just forgot to take them after going through an incredibly intense work period where I managed the most amazing fundraising event I've ever seen. After a few days, I decided to just keep going with it and so far so good. Things are never all perfect though right? I recently found out that a very close friend of the family, sort of like a second mom to me growing up, has the same cancer that killed DH so quickly (pancreatic). As a widow herself, we spent quite a lot of time together after DH died. For the first few days after I got the news, I had started feeling that same panic I had 8 years ago. But I still have my therapist and she set my head back on a bit more straight. And NG helped too, after he figured out how to just listen. I went over last week to visit her and, for the first time in my life, I was taking care of her. It's amazing how easy it was to slip back into that role. Her son is getting married in September (I'm going to be one of the "groomsmen") which is also the month DH died. On top of this, it's being held in the same venue where my sister got married, just two months before DH died. And now who knows if his mom will make it until then - it's pancreatic, after all. Please excuse me, but what a mindfuck. So that's my update; as usual, it's all love and death in my world!

Thanks for asking! I've been thinking of updating here but didn't want to start a new thread. It's still going very well! He met my family over Easter weekend and I now have to go have dinner with his mom sometime soon. Things are easy - the way things should be, right? It's gotten to the point where I feel like I have a partner in life again and I had forgotten how lovely that was! I've even RSVP'd a wedding in September with a plus one. I hate to give too much credit to relationships as I'm fiercely independent... but I find it easier to deal with my work stress having him in my life as well. Comparisons are sometimes hard. We had a tiny conflict about a month ago and I secretly cried to myself thinking that DH would never speak to me like that. But DH was abnormally adverse to conflict so I'm trying to remember that. Either way, that conflict was resolved quickly and nothing has come up since. I haven't told my MIL yet. I wanted to wait until I knew if it was serious or not. It's her birthday this month though and I usually call her. I don't want to tell her this on her birthday though so maybe I'll give her a random call this summer. All in all - still enjoying myself. We've gotten past the honeymoon stage and into reality and it still works. It's still a bit surreal - but given the way the world is these days, I often stop and wonder if this is reality anyway. So he fits right in.

Hi all, I posted recently about my first NG and thought I'd join you all in this thread. I've realized this week how pessimistic I've become as, soon after sharing my excitement for the NG, I managed to convince myself I was a side-chick and my fun was all over. And I blame it all on facebook! Social media was not around the last time I was single so this is all so new to me. I added him last weekend, thinking that was what people do... then immediately got sketched out when I realized I was on a restricted list and couldn't see anything on his page. With no other indications whatsoever, that alone convinced me that he was hiding something major from me. I went into research mode and stupidly googled the topic and everything said that was a main sign of cheating. I figured I was the one he was cheating with. I was singing the death-dirge for this new relationship, but I built up the nerve to ask him what was up with that; turns out I'm not that special as everyone is blocked. He just doesn't use social media that way and he insisted on showing me his page as he sees it. We even had a bit of "the talk"; he's not seeing anyone else and he assumed I wasn't either. So my fun is not over after all; I am feeling secure and I don't have to use the b-word yet to describe him either. I'm getting my cake and eating it too! The experience did show me however how much I expect the worst. I had made a story up in my head as to what it "means", without much information. I think I will have to be careful with negative assumptions. It's so hard now as my experience has taught me it is going to be the worst-case scenario and any "hope" for a positive outcome is merely lying to myself. Has anyone else had these issues come up where you find yourself a lot less trusting and always assuming the worst? Also, second question; when do the 2-hour massages start?

Thanks guys for your words of encouragement. And, Mizpah, I'm so glad you saw this as it's definitely not something I share on facebook! I've read a few of your posts here about the rough time you went through with NG - again, not something shared on facebook! - and it gives me a bit of relief. No one's new relationship is perfect. He's upstairs sleeping as we speak! How strange. But I'll try not to think about it too much and just enjoy. I completely forgot what this is like... but I have missed the companionship/partnership even if I didn't realize it. A huge thank you on the note about comparisons and not to beat myself up over it. I'll remember, Mizpah, that there is indeed something in common - me.

This is my first time in this section of the board. I remember it feeling so foreign on the old ywbb. I even learned a new acronym. I am pretty shocked right now at what has happened over the last month. I don't really date. I describe it the same way I do poutine (look that up if need be - it's fantastic): I eat it only once a year as it takes that long for me to forget how sick it makes me. I went on my yearly date last month expecting the same as usual; I'm immediately turned off by them, I suffer a couple hours, then later have to have that awkward text conversation about how I'm just not that into them. That did not happen at all. My first thought upon seeing him was "wow, he's super hot!". And then the date turned out just awesome! I finally had to call an end to it as I was a little overwhelmed by how well it was going and needed to step back and process. Things have sorta just continued on from there. We slept together pretty quickly and have been spending more and more time together. A lot of the things I was scared would happen, haven't. I try to not think too much about what is happening and just enjoy it, but the reality of it is a little scary. There's an extra toothbrush in my bathroom. I was a bit "wild" in my youth, focused more on my studies than on settling down, and when DH came along, that was a bit of a surprise then too. Our first date lasted 12 hours and things progressed with him quickly as well. It feels similar now to then - but typing that makes me sad and I don't want to touch that emotion too much. And then, oh god, I saw some of your posts on breakups. I've never had a real breakup in my life! And then I remember NG's longest relationship has been 18 months. He knows breakups. Why am I now worried about a breakup when I can't even think of calling someone a "boyfriend"? I'm so new to this real dating thing. How do you guys do it? edit: I'm so new to this section of the board, I think I posted it in the wrong sub-section.

Hi CJF, duckie here! I stop in here once in a while when I'm having a difficult time and need the situation to feel a bit more 'normal'. Seeing your post and a familiar name from the early days is so comforting to me (misery definitely loves company!). I'm still having a tough time too and dealing with some ptsd. I still see a therapist and it is helping me a lot. I had a really tough week at work with a colleague who got mad at me and threw my dead spouse in my face - this has become a pattern with older women I work with and it's so hard for me to deal with professionally when my personal life gets brought up to hurt me. I had to take thursday and friday off as I was having major flashbacks and now I'm worried my job is in jeopardy because I am emotionally unstable. I know that the longer it's been, the more people think I should be over it and it's rarely taken seriously. I recently started seeing someone for the very first time (I had one practice fling about 4-years ago but there was nothing deeper to that at all). This has brought up a lot of emotions too, especially having to share DH's bed. I sleep on the opposite side I used to as I'm scared to wake up and think DH is beside me. I don't speak to him about this stuff yet - and to be perfectly honest, it shocked the hell out of me when it first started. I did not expect that at all. It's been so long since I dated that I don't even know myself in this situation. Either way, all this to say hi. And thanks for posting as it really does feel like catching up with old friends. I think about you guys often and wonder where all the '7 year' people are and how they are doing. I'm not great either - but at least I know that's normal now!

With less than two weeks until the 6-year anniversary (can't quite wrap my head around it) I received in the mail yesterday a solicitation from the local hospital's cancer 'coping' charities. The letter began with 'Dear DH, As some one who benefited from the program...'. The thing is - he never did. The day he was supposed to start treatment, they told us they couldn't help us and pretty much kicked us out to go to the other hospital where he was at before. A week later he was dead and, a week after that I received my first solicitation from them. Someone at the time called and told them he had passed away... but 6 years later I've gotten one again. I called them and let them know. I was a little conflicted as, being a fundraiser now myself, I can understand how that can happen. But seeing as I fundraise now partly for free at-home palliative care, I am pretty careful about my solicitations. Either way, I was probably much more kind about it than what the situation merited. It brings a lot back up especially this time of year. Reliving it during the summer has become a cycle of mine and I can prepare somewhat for it, knowing that the anxiety goes away two days after the anniversary, after my birthday has also passed. I had a terribly difficult day at work and then to come home to this pretty much knocked me right back. I woke up at 3am when everything is worse and ended up posting here. On another note, it was quite nice recently to see the old faces in the facebook group, like a little reunion. It felt like we had all recovered somewhat to become real people again... but today I am back to the old Duckie.

We're "lucky" where I live in that we have another word in French for living together and unmarried. If I say my "conjoint" died, people take it seriously. In anglophone circles, I sometimes refer to him as my husband so people understand. They don't take it so seriously when you say boyfriend. It's pretty common where I live though to shack up and never marry.

Wow - not sure how I feel that this has happened to so many others. I don't think I give off any vibes of being available as I feel pretty closed off... but I think you all are right in that it says a lot more about her. I'm hoping the table realized that as well considering I may have to see these people once in a while. Like others here have said, my DH was soooooo attractive... how I could consider an old fat man, I have no clue. Even if he looked like Sean Connery, the age alone would be impossible; as if being widowed a second time is something that I'd be seeking out. Gary Oldman I'd consider though.

Thanks for your perspective, guys. Glad to hear this is not normal at all and I hope I won't encounter this again. It was just so out of left field for me. I usually get along very well with older ladies (we tend to have a lot in common!) so that had never happened to me. (And, Mizpah, I agree - what a bitch! How speaking of one's dead spouse could be interpreted as a pick up line, I'm not sure).

Hi all! It's been a long time since I came to the new ywbb, but I had an awkward encounter and I'm wondering if others have had the same. After my fiance died, my grief counselor introduced me to a fellow young widow who was just 6 months ahead of me. We bonded right away and supported each other through the worst of times. Her dad passed away a couple weeks ago and I went to the funeral. As her dad was a celebrity, there were many wealthy people there and I met a nice - very old - gentleman who sat next to me. I work now in fundraising and we had a golf tournament on Monday. The same gentleman was there and, as I was selling raffle tickets, I started chatting to him at his table. As far as the table was concerned, I was just some hoochie volunteer - not the director of development. He asked how I knew the family and I say how his daughter and I lost our fiances around the same time. It first gets weird when a lady says "where did you lose them; at the mall?". Figuring this was a misunderstanding, I let that go, and just as I finish saying that I lost him to cancer, a lady says to me quite forcefully; "This is his wife, by the way". Me, totally clueless, just say, "hello, nice to meet you". The lady then says again, "Y'know... his WIFE!". I realize then what's happening and blurt out, "oh my god; you think I'm hitting on him!?". She says "you better move in from this table or you won't sell your raffle tickets". I wanted to crawl under a rock and never leave again. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm 38, look 28, and the man was probably around 75-80 years old. AND a friend of my friend's DAD! Has anyone else been treated like they were stealing husbands for being windowed young? God, I don't date at all so it was so out of the blue for me. Ugh, I just feel gross now.

Hi crunches - duckie here. Yes - still having a tough time. The last month or so has been especially difficult for me. I miss him so much still and, like you, I recently had a dream about him and it felt so good and natural and right. Not sure what else to say but that I get it too. Dating, in general, has been very hard for me. I'm still so much in love with him.

Hi cmf, I'm a bit late here but, I'm thinking of you anyway! Five years is a bit mind-boggling. I'm still a bit confused by it all myself. The memorial stone sounds lovely - wish I had one.

Oh ieh, how selfish of me to be so glad to hear from you today. I identify with everything you say and then some. I got laid off today - right before the holidays. I'm not handling this half as bad as I did just 2 years ago (and 2 years before that if you remember!). My poor mother though had a much worse day than me with this news as she wants so much for me to be "better". Funny you even mention Joe's coats as I just got a parka out last week to give to a friend of his. I even went through the pockets and looked at all the grocery lists and bank receipts without crying. I haven't quite gotten as far as you though as unfortunately most of my closet space is still taken up by storage! I loved what you said about Jonah Lomu's widow's current grief and the memory it will one day be for her. We've come together this far and though we certainly aren't living up to the expectations of those around us, we're doing okay in our "new normal". When I first heard that term, I imagined mostly the practical side of things; to learn all the new routines without them. Now I realize that it can also be the new mental state; to realize that's it's okay we'll never have children or maybe we won't actually "find someone else". That it's okay that I'm unemployed once again and that you're not going to get your vacation next summer. Hell, when that vacation time comes around, let's go for a drink instead to go over even more crap we've gone through since this post and then, as right now, and that anniversary that's looming too with all the dread and anticipation that may still come with it too, will be a memory by then for us too.

I do this too sometimes and I can't help but stare at them. Even sometimes with older men I think that is what he would have looked like. There are so many tall thin guys out there with the same english-style cap and then when you add the big headphones I gave him once; 5-years later and I still wish it was him.