HoldingOn

My husband had been gone less than 2 years plus- when my sister passed last month. I was just starting to feel better- become who I am going to be without him. Then my sister died suddenly. Love my BIL with all my heart- and supported him during the funeral and visit him and text with him often along with other family members. But it's like re-visiting everything all over again. I am glad I can help my BIL- and he has thanked me many times and said I bring him comfort- but it's starting to rip my scabs off- just when they were starting to heal. I've suggested for him to find a grief group...he's told me...well...right now you are my grief group...so I want to be there..but honestly and I know this is horrible..I just don't want to hear it anymore. I am back to crying on my way to work everyday...I feel like I am taking HUGE steps back- but then again it's nice to talk to someone about some unresolved things and also treat him like I would have wanted to be treated when I was going thru it all. Anyone have to support a loved one like this? I need encouragement, etc...Thanks.......

My husband has been gone 2 years and a few weeks. Went the first wedding since his death. It was a lovely wedding..thankfully a few of my family members are single or newly single so I was able to hang out with them...actually enjoyed myself. But darn I forgot that they call all the married people onto the dance floor and then start weeding them out to find out who's been married the longest...as soon as I realized that was happening..I had to go into the bathroom to cry...ugh...kinda brought me down for the rest of the night. Not sure the point of this post..but just wanted to be in a place for a bit where only you all would "get it".

Interesting... I am very leery about sharing details about my husbands completed suicide with anyone I feel is unstable or "immature". I have only told the complete details to one family member- who's husband also tried to suicide. I will never discuss the details with my younger family members. I too agree with Wifeless as my husbands situation was very similar. He suffered from terminal mental illness. Not due to any situation. I had one clueless family member write on Facebook after Robin Williams died- that he is going to teach his children (young school aged children) how to cope...so they don't choose suicide. Good luck with that buddy...may you never know the pain of having a family member with a "chemical imbalance/brain disease." (I don't blame him for his ignorance..you truly can't know unless you've gone thru it first hand.) Not words of wisdom..just thanks for being able to be in a thread where other's TRULY get it...

My Heart is Broken ~Evanescence... "My Heart Is Broken" I will wander 'til the end of time, torn away from you. I pulled away to face the pain. I close my eyes and drift away. Over the fear that I will never find A way to heal my soul. And I will wander 'til the end of time Torn away from you. My heart is broken Sweet sleep, my dark angel Deliver us from sorrow's hold (Over my heart). I can't go on living this way But I can't go back the way I came Chained to this fear that I will never find A way to heal my soul And I will wander 'til the end of time Half alive without you My heart is broken Sweet sleep, my dark angel Deliver us Change - open your eyes to the light I denied it all so long, oh so long Say goodbye, goodbye My heart is broken Release me, I can't hold on Deliver us My heart is broken Sweet sleep, my dark angel Deliver us My heart is broken Sweet sleep, my dark angel Deliver us from sorrow's hold

Life is a stopping place A pause in what?s meant to be. A resting place along the road To sweet eternity. We all have different journey?s and paths along the way We all are meant to learn many things But never meant to stay. Our destination is a place Far greater than we know. For some the journey, quicker For some the journey, slow And when the journey ends We all claim a great reward And find an everlasting peace Together with the Lord `````````````````````````````````````````````````````` We give them back to you, O Lord, who first gave them to us; yet as you did not lose them in the giving, so we do not lose them by their return . . . For what is yours is ours also, if we belong to you. Love is unending, and the boundary of this mortal life is but a horizon, and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. Lift us up, strong Son of God, that we may see more clearly . . . And while you prepare a place for us, prepare us also for that happy place, that we may be with you and with those we loved for evermore.

Been playing this song lately...reminds me so much of my husband... "Blackbird" The willow it weeps today A breeze from the distance is calling your name Unfurl your black wings and wait Across the horizon it's coming to sweep you away It's coming to sweep you away [Chorus:] Let the wind carry you home Blackbird fly away May you never be broken again The fragile cannot endure The wrecked and the jaded a place so impure The static of this cruel world Cause some birds to fly long before they've seen their day Long before they've seen their day [Chorus:] Let the wind carry you home Blackbird fly away May you never be broken again Beyond the suffering you've known I hope you find your way May you never be broken again Ascend may you find no resistance Know that you made such a difference All you leave behind will live to the end The cycle of suffering goes on But memories of you stay strong Someday I too will fly and find you again [Chorus:] Let the wind carry you home Blackbird fly away May you never be broken again Beyond the suffering you've known I hope you find your way May you never be broken again May you never be broken again

I came across this when I was a new widow..and just now found it again..and would like to share here..as I hope it brings you perpective and comfort and it did when I first read it.... Wishing you all peace... I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. How I am Feeling ? I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted. ? I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain. ? My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. ? I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted. ? I can't eat. I can't stop eating. ? I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping. ? Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming. I just don't want to know about it right now. ? Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone. ? I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be in tears. ? Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company. Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes. ? Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally occupied in an attempt to escape. ? Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and often I will be totally lost in myself. ? Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize what I don't want. ? I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better. ? I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit. ? I have no choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self control have no effect. ? Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond. ? I will not be fully-functional at work for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently. ? I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh. Emotional Things You Can Do ? Let me talk about him/her. I want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last days, and everything in between. I want to show you his/her picture, tell you how wonderful (s)he was. ? Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry. ? Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me. I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me. ? Tell me all your stories of when my love was sweet, courageous, or funny. I need to hear everything about him/her. If you don't know many, find out some from those who are too scared to approach me now. ? Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much. ? It is really hard for me to tell other people about my loss. I'm working every moment of the day- minute to minute, hour to hour to deal with my emotions. Trying to deal with someone else's reaction or discomfort is the last thing I need, so if someone needs to know it would be good if you could explain it to them. What Not To Do ? Don't tell me you understand how I feel, or that you can imagine the pain I am going through, unless you have lost the love of your life. Trust me, you can't. If I can't, and I am going through it, ? your mind will just not let you voluntarily imagine this much pain. ? Don't try to compare my loss to the loss of a parent, or a friend, or an acquaintance or pet, it's not the same. I understand that all of these things are painful, but it is not the same. ? Don't ask how I'm doing unless you really want to know. I am assuming that as you know, and as you have asked, you truly want to know. ? Don't try to save me from my feelings or make me feel better. I know you can't bear to see me in so much pain, but I need to go through all of these feelings whether I want to or not. ? Once you have "given me permission" to talk or cry, please don't try and distract me with small talk. I know it makes you feel better if I appear happy, but my pain is ever-present and it makes me feel like you don't care. ? Don't tell me everything will be okay. ? Don't tell me "(s)he's always with you". ? Don't tell me "(s)he's no longer in pain". ? Don't tell me "(s)he's looking down on you from heaven". ? Don't tell me "you're lucky that you had such love, some people don't". ? Don't tell me "(s)he's in a better place". ?However, Don't be surprised if I say these things to you? ? Don't ever tell me "you must be strong". If ever there's a time I should be permitted to be weak, this is it. ? Don't tell me "don?t cry". If ever there was something to cry over, this is it!? What's more, if I only "need to talk" to you once every few weeks, chances are I have been strong and right now I really need you to understand that I am exhausted and need help when I do reach out. ? Whatever you do don't tell me "If I were you I'd?." Until you are in the same situation, you have absolutely no idea what you will do. Your logical brain has absolutely no control. ? Never try telling me "life goes on", or "(s)he wouldn't want you to cry", or "God will never give you more than you can handle" or any other meaningless platitudes. ? Don't try to solve my "problem". Unless you can bring him/her back, it can't be "solved". ? Don't feel the need to fill in silences. I know the silences are hard for you, but if you can accept them, you are helping me immensely. ? Please don't try and help me find "closure", or tell me I need to find "closure". Closure is an obscene word for me right now, as is "moving on"/"move on". Practical Things You Can Do I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me hurting so. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically. ? Don't ask me what you can do to help. I have no idea, I am overwhelmed. ? Bring me some meals that I can just put in the microwave. ? Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc I use and bring me them to me. I have no idea I need them until I run out, so don't bother asking me if I need anything. I will always need tissues?. ? If you are an organized person offer to manage my bills. Collect the bills as they come in and let me know when they need to be paid, and make sure I do. Time has no meaning for me right now. It's only when the cut-off notices come that I realize I need to do something. ? Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me. It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me. Practical Things I Need To Do ? I need to surround myself with beauty. ? Sit in the sun and just soak it up. ? Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass. Go to the beach and look/listen to the waves. ? Have a massage. ? Write in a journal. ? Cry when I need to. Tears are a release. ? Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place. Remember ? Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year, it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the wounds on the inside, but they are there. ? Real-life is nothing like TV. ? I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life. ? I will get better over time, but I will never forget my loved one. The pain ebbs and flows, but never goes completely. Death ends a life?not a relationship. When all else is lost?love lives on?

My heart and prayers goes out to all you new to this group no one wants to be in... I just passed the two year mark this weekend...but I know how hard it is the first hours/days/weeks/months/year+...and I wanted to give my support and love. My husband of 17 years (together almost 20 years) completed suicide two years and and four days ago...I recall the first weeks...and remember that unbelievable pain. I know it's hard to believe now...but since I've been thru it- I feel I can share that the pain does get manageable if you are willing to reach out and do the things it takes to manage your pain and try to heal from the sorrow. What I found difficult was people giving their condolences the first weeks...my best answer now is -Thank you- he was a wonderful man and I was blessed to be his wife. (I am sure it makes my husband smile when I say that :-D- so I think of that and it helps me not break down.) If someone asks how he died..I say that is hard for me to talk about...I'd rather tell you how he lived....and tell them how he was a mechanical genius and could fix anything. There will be many cycles of shock, disbelief, guilt, pain, anger, deep yearning for them and loneliness and pure anguish?and more tears than you could ever imagine. What I?ve learned from going thru the cycles many, many times, is that, really the only way to truly heal is through it ? and to just ride the tides of grief and yes, many times it will feel like a roller coaster ride...and you will just want to get off. The tears seem never-ending- but if there was ever anything to cry about this is it- let them flow- they are there to wash away the pain... This poem helped me to put grief into more perspective and understand what to expect a bit better. A cut finger is numb before it bleeds, it bleeds before it hurts, it hurts until it begins to heal, it forms a scab and itches until finally, the scab is gone and a small scar is left where once there was a wound. Grief is the deepest wound you ever had. Like a cut finger, it goes through stages, and leaves a scar. But how do you face each day until that happens? What got me thru was just taking one moment at a time, remembering to eat and drink water and sleep when I could- if only in little bits. Some days you don?t want to do anything- and that?s OK! Just do what is most important even if it?s only breathing, feeding yourself and resting. Keep drinking water -(that for me was key.) My schedule was all out of whack the first weeks- as my life was turned upside down. Going outside- and taking deep breathes...even if it was at 3 in the morning...listening to calming music helped me a great deal. When I did not know what to do...I would pray...when I could not even pray anymore for myself...I began to pray for others- surprisingly that made my pain lessen... If someone asks what they can do- when you have a moment of clarity- make a list and let them pick what they feel they can do for you. (i.e, mow the grass, do laundry, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, make a meal, go with you to run an errand if you feel you should not be driving, etc.) ? people in the first weeks want to help- let them- it helps them to heal to. However, sadly they will heal and move on with their lives much more quickly then you- and the help won?t always be there- so take it when it?s offered. There are many on-line groups- which are great- Widowed Village and of course Widda.org! (honestly IMO, this is the best and has been my life-line and sanity, many, many times! God Bless all the wonderful caring supportive souls here!) There are some great ones on Facebook- Grief Unspoken first comes to mind. But I've found comfort and support in many which is great because you can get support at all times of the day and night. When I was ready to go out and face the world, I found grief groups thru the local hospital and churches- and on "meet-up for widows(ers)" -met some nice people who truly understood my anguish. Being able to talk openly and also shed some tears with those who were going thru the same loss was very helpful and healing most days- but sometimes I just wanted to be alone with my grief. It was hard not to dwell on him being ?gone forever? but I tried to think of the positives and not let his passing destroy me...as that is not the legacy of his memory I wanted to leave. I've gotten into coloring and painting which has opened a new hobby and is very calming. Also I've have found some great on-line friends thru Coloring FaceBook groups. I just came across this poem last week- and it sums up how I feel about my grief now... "He is Gone" You can shed tears that he is gone Or you can smile because he has lived You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left Your heart can be empty because you can't see him Or you can be full of the love you shared You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday You can remember him and only that he's gone Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back Or you can do what he'd want: Smile?open your eyes?.love? and go on. ~David Harkins (1959 - ) Please reach out, I promise it will help. Wishing you peace....and hope...

What an awful month...I now hate Aug. even more...if my husband's birthday near the middle of the month and my husband's passing at the end of the month was not enough... My only sister passed in her sleep earlier this month. Her funeral was two weeks ago. Brought back soooo many memories. I sat next to my BIL during the funeral- he told me....you will be my lifeline..no one knows what it's like but you. That's what kills me...knowing what he now must face.... When I lost my husband...I wondered why that had to happen to me- but I knew it was so that I could help those who come after me.... I am just so lost. and drained..feel awful for my parents...my mother is a mess...my sister has two children...one is strong..the other not as much..as he sadly was the one who found her- dead in her bed. So seeing their sorrow is nearly unbearable..I try to be strong and give hope..but I just don't have anymore to give. I was finally starting to feel better with my husbands passing..and now with my sister's it brings it all back up again. Will I ever heal....I hate the anguish...sorry to be so negative...but it's just what I'm feeling tonight...and know you all understand. Please feel free to share your wisdom and exp. if you are going thru something similar...sorry if this is all jumbled...can't seem to think clearly...grief takes everything you are...some days...

Wifeless- I wish you peace today... it will be two years later this week for me. Your posts were a lifeline for me many, many times. You are so wise and I can't thank you enough for your posts. Hugs...

Sorry for the confusion. The group has been around for about four year and is based out of Rockaway, NJ. They host weekly events all over Northern NJ /several counties- just staring up in Bergen, Cty.. It's a nice friendly group- both men and woman ages range from late 30's to mid-60's. but from the name all are welcome- Any Age, Any Stage. Wanted to put it out there since I've seen some in NJ have been trying to find others. They do screen well, because they want to make sure everyone they let in the group is a verified widow(er).

Group in NJ: Widowed Young..Any Age?Any Stage?North New Jersey. google name on meet up to find group. There are few places for younger widows/widowers from 20's to 70's, to meet and support each other through the grieving, and difficulties associated with losing a partner. This is a chance to meet others who are also widowed, share experiences, socialize, and make new friends. Widowed Any Age/ Any Stage, welcomes anyone who has lost a life partner; all ages, men and women, married and not married (lived together as married couple) widowed, LGBT widowed, those with any/no faith background. No matter how long you?ve been widowed, 1 month, 1 year, several years or 10+ we can all learn from and help each other, when your able to attend your first meetup you will find a community of friends that will listen and let you know your not alone "We Get It". Lets all work hard to offer each other a variety of resources that apply to any stage of the evolving journey of widowhood. There is no "moved on" or "getting over it" our loss is forever, and eventually we learn what our new life looks and feels like "After our loss" Hopefully the new friends that we make at these meetups will eventually be a part of our "After" futures.