widowat33

I have been trying online dating sites for the past year. I've met some really cool nice guys, even dated a few for awhile and was exclusively seeing one a couple of months ago. It did not work out, he lived three hours away and did not like the distance. That seems to be the issue with every guy I've went out with. I live in a small town and there are not many eligible bachelors here lol. Which is why I have two dates for tomorrow. I will be going to the nearest city which is a two hour drive away. The guy I was seeing for awhile is meeting me there for supper and we got tickets for a basketball game. I have already established that it will be a friend date, I need to set boundaries with him. Then another guy I dated on and off throughout the fall last year texted me. We've been texting since the other guy and I broke it off. But up until recently just as friends. He was seeing someone and it did not work out. In fact she cancelled plans with him at the last minute and he was sad about it. So I mentioned being in his city on Tuesday and that I would take him out for lunch. As friends. Then the other night he started asking if we should start dating again. Ugh. I told him it might be weird considering we are friends now. And I've been getting texts and calls from another guy I was dating for awhile last year. All these guys from the past when I just want to move forward. But it's my own fault. I'm comfortable with these guys. There's no uncertainty there. I do like all of them, they are good people and I enjoy spending time with them. But it's stressful too. I want just friendship from them and I know at least two of them want more than that, and I don't want to mislead them. I was looking forward to seeing both guys tomorrow and then earlier I went on Facebook and looked at my dh's profile. Now I'm just sad and lonely. And really not looking forward to tomorrow at all now. Why does this all have to be so hard?

What a beautiful idea for a memorial tattoo. Sending you hugs!

Thanks everyone, your kindness and support means so much He has been texting me, I've been waiting several hours or more to text back. He mentioned seeing me today at some point, but I was honest with him and told him I was so up and down all week and I'm getting to be in a better spot and that seeing him now would not be a good idea. He said he felt the same and agreed. I think that's what is making this so hard...the fact that we both still have feelings for each other

Right now his life is a mess. He has his own business and needs to commit more time to it. Then there's the ex drama. They fight he gets upset and worries he will lose his kids. He never stands up to her. She imposed a schedule for when he has the kids, which is everyday he has off...and now she is asking him to take them more, which is good for him, he gets to see them more than she does, but now he has no free time. I went to visit him on Tuesday. While we were out for supper she texted him saying he needed to call her. He thought something happened to one of the kids so he called..she stubbed her toe, and wanted him to come get the kids..she knew I was coming that day to see him. Every time he's come here she calls with some bullshit excuse for why he has to go home early, always involving the kids. He's so scared to stand up to her in case she won't let him see his kids. So he told me he can't do it anymore. The long distance right now isn't working especially with all the stuff going on. I know he still cares about me. He was very emotional. He's just not in a good place to be in a relationship. He didn't ask me to wait until he was ready..just the opposite, but in some ways he has hope for the future. I asked him to stop talking like that because it was harder to walk away from it thinking we might get back together. He's so uncertain of everything. One minute he's telling me that it's not over for good, but then he acts like it might be. He told me he wants to be friends, doesn't want to lose me in his life. Wanted me to think about what I wanted. So I did a lot of thinking and decided to try being friends. I'm not sure it was the best decision. I've been so all over the place on this..sometimes I can be positive and look at all the good things that came from this, and I don't regret being with him, he's a good person. But then the next minute I'm sad that it's over, then I get mad about it all. I'm not sure what is easier, the sadness or being angry. I honestly didn't think it would hurt this bad. The thing is we were like best friends and now it's different and it really sucks I almost wish he had done something terrible so I could hate him. I almost wish I said no contact so I could get over this easier. I had such a hard time letting anyone get close to me again because I am so afraid of losing people and I finally do let someone in and then this happens.

I also got a memorial tattoo about a month after he died. I don't regret it at all. A few months ago I also got a Phoenix tattoo on my thigh. I kind of like the story of rising from the ashes to become stronger as I feel that is exactly what all widows/widowers do. I say it's your body and to hell with what people think if it is something you want to do, do it! I'm working on designs for my 7th tattoo right now

It's great to read all these. I'm starting 2017 in a new relationship, the first one since my dh died. I am not sure what will happen there, so I am going to focus on what I can make better/different for the year ahead. I am going to take care of myself better. Yes I am doing the traditional resolution of eating better and exercising more, but it's more than that. I am going to be kinder to myself. I am going to stop putting myself down and instead focus on my strengths and work on my weaknesses. I want to learn more, maybe take some courses in my field and build up my knowledge. I am going to learn how to play guitar, I love music and have a guitar so why not learn how to play it. I am going to spend less time online and more time enjoying life. Read more books. Take more pictures. Spend more time with family and friends.

My mind is all over the place lately,lol..could see how it would be confusing. No definitely not the same guy who seemed a little controlling. I cut off contact with him. New guy is someone I've been seeing for a couple of months, but we weren't exclusive until recently. Neither of us were ready for anything serious when we first met, so we dated other people as well. I think it was good for us to do so as we realized how much we liked each other and how the other ones we went out with just couldn't compare. I had insisted that he was just a friend, but was lying to myself about how I really felt about him

I just posted in the other section..social encounters. A little update on my post about my fwb getting confusing. In my original post I mentioned a guy, who I was kind of seeing but was only a friend. My relationship with my dh started out as a friendship then developed into more. I reached out to my friend about how I was feeling lately, how I was afraid of relationships and anytime it would come close to being exclusive with someone I would panic. He knows everything about me. We have an open and honest relationship. We also admitted we liked each other even though we were both trying really hard not to. For different reasons..for him he thought the distance (we live a three hour drive away from each other) was too much, and I was still afraid to tell anyone I was dating, and terrified at the thoughts of being exclusive. I have been seeing him for three or four months. I think we knew all along that eventually we would be together, we just both needed to reach that point. We reached that point, decided to be exclusive. And I didn't feel panic at all, in fact I'm really happy. I told my family and kids about him, and my inlaws which was terrifying but I feel so much relief and everyone took it well. There is still doubt and insecurities about how well the long distance thing will work out..Most of my relationship with my dh he worked away so I'm used to it, but new guy is not. So he worries about it, and I worry about him not being able to do it. We had a good talk about it and decided to just take it slow, live in the moment and deal with problems when they come up. I am so happy I decided to take a chance with him. He is an amazing person. Honest, kind and understanding. But yet those fears are still there and sometimes I think it would be better to end it now than to fall for him even more and realize it's not going to work. Even at this early stage it hurts to think about losing him and not seeing him anymore. I'm an over thinker and right now I'm over thinking everything.

Update..never did go out with him again. Did a lot of self reflecting and realized some things about myself. I was so afraid of a relationship that I would subconsciously only talk online with guys who I knew would never develop into anything more or anything serious. Guys way too young for me, guys who lived really far away, etc... They weren't a threat. I also really liked all the attention. I was texting/chatting with way too many people. When I was with my dh I didn't need attention from several people, I had his attention, that's all I needed. It feels good to have a lot of guys texting, wanting to meet, and telling you what you want to hear. Really boosted my self esteem, but what's even better is when it's one person doing all that for you, it just took me awhile to realize that. I started chatting with a guy, who at first seemed too good to be true. Then the red flags came, he didn't want me talking to other guys, or going anywhere because he worried I was meeting other people...and I hadn't even met him yet. He moved way too fast and seemed way too controlling. So I told him I needed time for myself, he made a few rude comments about how I just needed more time to sleep around and that's when I knew he wasn't as nice as I thought he was. I deleted my profile from the online dating site. Then something strange happened,lol, but I'm going to post about it on the relationship thread

I think the rules can vary..at least with my situations they have. One guy and I started actually by going on dates, then became fwb. This was the hard one for me as I started liking him, and I know he liked me as well, but we were not good for each other. We were kind of on and off over the course of five months. We still talk, and there's still an attraction there, but I told him we couldn't do it anymore. Another one and I started as fwb, we talked on the phone all the time, texted, and spent a lot of time together considering he lives over three hours away. He tells me everything and considers me his best friend. There were no rules with him. We were free to see other people. I do sense that he would like more with me, but I see him as only a friend now. The other guy is the one my post was about. He wanted it to be an exclusive fwb situation. It was the typical one you hear about. Only texting when we wanted sex. Very little affection. But lately we have been texting more, and he called me out of the blue just to talk yesterday. We have went out for supper a few times, and did Christmas shopping together. The last time we were together, he kept kissing me, which was strange for how it usually is with us. I'm just going with the flow on this one. Not reading too much into it. And waiting to see what happens. Still being on guard somewhat, but I'm just going to enjoy the time we do spend together. It can be confusing, and yes I do think someone usually does get hurt..but sometimes it can end well too. I have been thinking a lot about it and my biggest regret is the fact that they are all cool guys who I really do like, as friends of course, but someday I can see us not being in contact anymore.

Thanks everyone. I do agree that someone usually gets hurt in this situation, but not always. And it is true, after losing my husband nothing could hurt worse. I have been so insistent that I do not want to date, that it's going to be hard to show him that maybe I might want to start seeing him..I don't know..just gonna go with it and see what happens Thanks everyone, nice to have some feedback

My dh was the only man I had ever had sex with. Several months ago I joined a dating site thinking I was ready to start dating and possibly move towards a relationship. However, any time a guy seemed interested in meeting or dating I would panic. I did go out with a very nice guy a few times and there was a lot of chemistry, but again I panicked at the thoughts of being in a relationship again. I did realize though that I missed sex, a lot. I always associated sex with love and never thought I would be able to do a fwb situation.i guess I was wrong. Over the course of the last few months I have had three fwbs on and off. They are all long distance so it was kind of easy to keep it at just sex because I didn't see them often. I will admit I had feelings for one of them, and I know he had feelings as well, but we both knew it wouldn't work out for us to be any more than what we were. So we ended it, still talk, but only as friends. I spent two days with one, had a great time. Went out for supper, did a little road trip. I think he's developing feelings and has even admitted if we lived closer he would want a relationship with me. He's a nice guy, and a really good person, but I really do just think of him as a friend. The third guy is where I'm confused. Our situation has always been the more casual one. We rarely talked or texted. It was exactly what a fwb situation is supposed to be, just sex. A few weeks ago he had asked me out for supper, I cancelled last minute to go on a date and he was really cool about it. When the guy I dated briefly didn't work out I texted my fwb and told him it didn't work out. He asked if we could hang out again and I said yes and because I felt bad about cancelling told him I would pay for supper. So we went out and I had so much fun. We have been texting more. He is looking for a relationship, and has said he would date me if we lived closer. Last week I mentioned my oldest wanted a computer for Christmas because his laptop doesn't work anymore. He is into computers and offered to help me find one. I also mentioned that I would be in his city to do some Christmas shopping. He offered to go shopping with me to find a computer. We spent the day together shopping, and went out for supper again. It felt so much like being in a relationship, and it felt natural. He's playful and teases me, he's thoughtful and considerate, and he is so much fun to be around. One thing I really noticed was before we rarely kissed. That day he kissed me a lot, and not just during sex. He also asked at one point if I was afraid of relationships, and by my response which was "um, I don't know" he said yeah you are. I am trying to be guarded about this as I don't want to get hurt. So the confusing thing for me is he texted me the other day and said the next time we spend time together he doesn't want to have sex. I asked why and he just replied he wanted to see how it would go. I tend to be an over thinker and over analyze everything,lol..but I just can't figure this one out. I like being around him and I'm kind of concerned that I might be falling for him. But honestly the thought of that doesn't panic me like it has in the past with anyone else. Just a side note I have known him over four months so it's not like it's something new. I would love to hang out with him again like we have been, but I'm scared that I'm setting myself up to get hurt. He seems interested in me, compliments me all the time telling me I'm awesome, interesting, etc.. But maybe I'm reading more into it. Sorry for this post being all over the place,lol..I guess I just needed to tell someone as no one in my life knows about him. What would you do in this situation? Should I stop hanging out with him? Maybe I'm just ready for a relationship and because I'm really comfortable with him it feels right, but maybe he's not the right person? Ugh..the thing I liked most about the whole fwb situation was it wasn't supposed to be confusing just fun..but now it's getting complicated...

Fwb is something I thought I would never do...until I realized I was not ready for a relationship, but missed sex. It is very hard to keep feelings separate from something so intimate. Especially if you are spending time together, cuddling, etc... I'm a believer of honesty and being open. If it were me I would tell him how I feel and if he did not feel the same, try to move on..but I realize this is easier said than done. There was one guy who I started developing feelings for but knew in no way that it could become more than what it was. We would not be compatible. I think with him it happened because we did hang out as well, cuddled and did a lot of relationship type things. I still see him sometimes, but keep it very casual now. I am also seeing other guys which I think helps keep those feelings at bay. It can be a tricky situation. I wouldn't feel comfortable to have sex with just anyone and like to develop some kind of connection beforehand. All of my fwb have been very likeable guys who I feel comfortable with. I do not have feelings for them and know that it will not become more than what it is, so for me it's been pretty easy so far. I think it's common for one or both people to end up liking each other more in this situation.

Sending you hugs. It's a hard situation to be in..I can empathize. I am kind of seeing someone who I know will never develop into more than what it is right now..for many of the same reasons you stated.

First I want to say I'm sorry you had to join us here.. I don't post often on here anymore, but felt compelled to do so. My story is similar to yours..my husband died in a single vehicle accident, was not wearing his seatbelt and his truck rolled several times. On a straight stretch, with no indication of trying to prevent it or stop (no tire marks on the road). They believe he fell asleep at the wheel as well.. I returned to college two months after his death, and did very well. I rarely cried over his death. I felt like there was something wrong with me...I will echo others here, but everyone experiences grief differently. Because I didn't cry a lot, or lie in bed all day, does not mean I didn't love him or miss him. I felt guilty about that as well. I don't anymore. Two years later, I've finished school, have a fulfilling job and am truly happy. Some days are still hard, and I still love him and miss him, I always will. But through this I've gained an appreciation for life, and how we need to live each day to it's fullest. Life can be cut short as we all know. Recently my mom commented that when she heard he died she said she feared I would never be the same person. And truthfully I'm not. I've changed, in some ways for the better and in some ways for the worse.. But change is inevitable regardless of circumstance. Then she commented on how I'm a happy person, which almost made me feel bad, like maybe I shouldn't be happy..but I know he would want that for me. Again everyone is different, and handles situations differently..there is no right or wrong way.