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MrsT85

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  • Date Widowed
    4/6/2013
  • Cause of death
    Car accident


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  1. I agree with every word you wrote, Trying. I'm another one who is so grateful for this community, even though I have been away for a while. I recently had a hard cry while watching Patton Oswalt's newest stand up special (he was talking about his earliest days as a widower) and I savored it. It made me feel closer to Tim than I had in many months. Glad to see so many familiar names - thanks for being here <3
  2. Today is one of those days where I feel a strong pull back to this community that meant so much to me for so long. I'm sorry I've kinda disappeared this last year..."life getting in the way" is a worn-out excuse but one I must scramble for in this instance. New husband and I bought our first house, work has been rough and the election/politics have really zapped a lot of my time and energy (and occasionally my will to live) but it's been wonderful to log back in and see that this special little corner of the internet is still here for me. For days like today, when I want share a tiny bit of my story with people who understand. It was thirteen years ago tonight that I met my handsome, funny music nerd named Tim at a Day of the Dead/Election Night party. Thirteen years ago today my drunk, foolish 19 year-old self left that party knowing "This is the man for me." Thirteen years ago today way the start of a wonderful love story that I still long to return to more often than I care to admit. One that ended by accident, against both our wishes on a terrible April night in 2013. It's bittersweet having the day we met also be the Day of the Dead. It means I look back at that night with a smile and a tear and with a heavy heart, knowing that when people talk about the day to honor their dead loved ones, I will always have a certain bespectacled face with a sly, wonderful smile come to mind. One that I'll never stop missing even as time moves forward and the life I've since built for myself continues to give me opportunities we never had the chance to build together. Happy Dia de los Muertos, everyone. Thanks for being here. Love to you all.
  3. MrsT85

    I said yes!

    Yay! I've been away from the boards for a while so I'm SUPER late to the party so this was a wonderful first thing to read. So happy for you and NG, fellow "class of 2013" member. Many years of happiness for you and your families!
  4. I just wanted to update this with another post from HuffPo about Oswalt and his struggles with grief: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/patton-oswalt-says-hell-never-fully-recover-from-his-wifes-death_us_5810d5e3e4b001e247df9c39 A couple things that struck me: when talking about going back to perform comedy for the first time since his wife died "Going onstage, he said, was “a rebuke to grief, an acceptance of the messiness of life. I’ll never be at 100 percent again, but that won’t stop me from living this.” I know there are some on these boards who will disagree, but this is how I felt immediately after he died and how I still feel today 3.5 years later. This isn't something you ever bounce ALL THE WAY back from. You never fully climb out of that hole. But as long as you put your head down and eventually keep trying to plow through and rebuild something resembling a life again that's nothing to be ashamed of. When talking about what your mind does to try to comprehend the incomprehensible and knowing how little sense it makes to everyone else "What if, as my last brain cell died, I imagined a whole other life, that my brain cannot deal with the horror of my body dying, so it’s made up the next worst thing, which is this person who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has been yanked away from me?” he said, his voice getting ragged, spinning this scenario out, proposing that the interview he was doing at the moment was an invention of his own mind. After comparing his life to a scene from the movie “Jacob’s Ladder,” he stopped: “Sorry, I sound crazy.” On how he is coping "Though he tried drinking away the pain for a few months, the comedian said that “alcohol doesn’t really help.” Instead, he’s returned to standup to deal with his loss. He tells the Times that talking about grief makes up at least half of his set." I am so grateful to him that he is doing this...
  5. Thank you for posting, MM. He is/was a favorite of Tim ans I and I very selfishly hoped that this was the kind of thing he would express publicly as a new widower - just because he is so much smarter and more articulate than I am. And when I watched it last night it was with tears streaming down my face.
  6. ...the offhand, thoughtless remark can still cut right to the bone. I was at my mom's this evening, having dinner just like we do every week. She truly is my rock, and I love her to pieces and because of that she is really the only person I talk to when it comes to normal everyday frustrations with my new husband. He's a really great guy who I love very much, but out relationship is not nearly as effortless as the one I had with Tim. So I was venting this evening about an overreaction he had a few weeks ago during an argument (the context really isn't important) where he asked me in the heat of the moment if I wanted a divorce, to which my answer was "of course not." Her response was to pass along an old joke her (not a widow) and my grandma (who has been dead for 20 years but was widowed in her late 50s - twice my age when Tim died) - "you should tell him [my maiden name] women don't divorce their husbands, they bury them." Within seconds she realized what she had said and was apologizing profusely, but at that point I had already burst into tears. I don't blame her. I'm not mad at her. But goddamn am I still sometimes caught off guard by how much I fucking miss him and how much not having him in my life still hurts.
  7. I'd likely be interested, although I've pretty much ignored Facebook the last 3.5 years so I don't think I'll be joining the group. I'm in Chicago proper but I don't drive so hopefully wherever you all pick will be somewhere public transit friendly. thanks
  8. MrsT85

    How long did you wear your wedding ring?

    I had mine resized and switched them to the other hand at a handful of months out (I probably would have waited longer but I stupidly damaged my ring around then and needed to get it repaired so did it all at the same time) and have been wearing them there ever since - he's been gone about 3.5 years now. As everyone else is saying there is no right or wrong timeline, it's so very personal - but my personal feelings on the matter remain that I intended to be his wife forever and wear his ring until the day I die. The fact that he died doesn't change that, even if it means I don't necessarily wear it as a wedding ring anymore. ETA - I remarried a couple months ago and luckily my new husband is very respectful of my grief and the ways I still choose to honor my Tim. I now wear two full sets of wedding/engagement bands - the one on my right hand from Tim, and the ones now on my left hand from my new guy. I did something similar with my last name - when I married Tim I happily dropped my maiden name and assumed his. With new husband, I kept Tim's last name and added his with a hyphen.
  9. Hi Karin (and MB, Hgadams and all the other new wids....) I'm so so sorry you've had reason to join us here, and much like Mizpah I can tell you so much of what you've written sounds so familiar. It's hard for me to remember those first couple months because of how raw I was and how very much I was drinking in an effort to numb myself but anger, disbelief, regret, guilt, and a bone-deep sadness were certainly all emotions that were very much part of the mix. This isn't a rational thing to have happen to us so young, and I know even though I'm generally a fairly down-to-earth pessimist I had several irrational thoughts following my husband's death too. I was widowed by a car accident at age 27 when my 36 year old husband drove into a tree on April 6, 2013. I didn't think I could survive and I didn't feel like it was possible for life to go on without him, but (with a lot of help from friends and family) I've managed to rebuild a good life again and even got remarried about two months ago. I still wish every day I had my old life again...that my Tim was still alive and that we got the chance to build the family and life together we dreamed about for years while he was finishing his teaching degree. I missed (and honestly often still do) the person that I was with him. But after all this time I feel like I finally have a future laid out in front of me again and that's more than I thought was possible in those early days, weeks and months. I don't want to write a novel, but since you've asked about Mizpah's story and mentioned the struggles you're facing knowing you still want someone in your life again one day I thought I'd share some old posts of mine that describe a few of the ups-and-downs of my journey so far (and just as a warning to those who might not want to read about the particular subject, some of those posts do discuss dating again). And please feel free to PM me. "Introduce yourself here" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,5.msg1698.html#msg1698 "Two years" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,440.msg5602.html#msg5602 "If You Have Had Children, What Would Have Been Their Names?" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,30.msg1033.html#msg1033 "Today I just hate everyone. Feel free to add your own!" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,448.msg5790.html#msg5790 " How did you know?" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,520.msg6849.html#msg6849 " Dealing with the Emotional Rollercoaster & Dating" http://widda.org/index.php/topic,671.msg8584.html#msg8584
  10. MrsT85

    Seeing elderly couples

    Yeah, it stings. Tim and I were such a good fit, so we'd talk all the time about how much we were looking forward to growing old together. How we'd never ever get bored with each other, and how even though we weren't yet parents how much we would enjoy our "empty nest" years together. He was just 36. Would have turned 39 this year. We should have had another 40 years and if either of us didn't make it to old age it should have been the diabetic - me. My particular emotional shiv is seeing young families at music festivals and concerts. The 30something father carrying around a toddler on their shoulders or lovingly following them from a few steps back as they clumsily explore the crowd as his wife looks on at both of them with such pride and joy. He wanted so badly to be that father, and though I'm certain that new husband will also make a great father one day I know we'll never be *that* kind of perfect family that I spent years admiring and longing to be a part of. Life is back on track, and mostly good again. But I think SVS has the perfect word. I'm still so wistful for the life I'm confident I'd be living now and for decades in the future.
  11. MrsT85

    A big step...

    I'm so glad to hear that you've started to feel like this - seems a lot of us in the 3ish year time frame are hitting this sort of emotional revelatory/breaking point the past few months. I was/am like that too, so it was important to me to kinda figure out emotional and semantic ways that I could resolve what I knew I had to do with what I wanted or felt I was capable of doing. I never say "I've moved on from my relationship with Tim." That sounds callous and frankly isn't true. Instead, I've "moved forward and am working on rebuilding my life after losing Tim." I don't ever want to fully "let Tim go" either, so I moved my wedding rings over to my other hand but haven't taken them off. I like the suggestion that others have made of turning it into some other piece of memorial jewelry though if that's not something you want to do I didn't divorce Tim - I wanted to keep his last name forever and still do - so now that I've remarried I'll be adding a hyphen to my last name so I can honor both my past and my present/future. In some small way, it's helped me quiet and comfort the piece of me that still feels married because it still represents what I think of the piece of my heart that stays reserved for him. It sounds like you have something even more meaningful and amazing to comfort your heart though, and that's just fantastic - you have your two amazing children who remember the life and love you and T gave them. I certainly don't have it all figured out - I think it's just been in the last month or so that I realized I needed to make some sort of huge life change in terms of passions and interests and I honestly don't have any idea how to go about it. But I feel better now that I'm not stubbornly trying to stay the same person - the realization feels like a small weight has been lifted. I hope the relief you feel is ten times as large and continues to grow as you take each subsequent baby-step. Tight hugs and love to you and yours
  12. MrsT85

    introduce yourself here

    When I was feeling especially destructive I would scream and hurl ice cubes at the tile wall in the shower or outside at the side of the house and sidewalk in the backyard (it was a really good trick I learned from a mental illness podcast I used to listen to). There was still the release of smashing something, but without the damage or cleanup. I'm so sorry you had reason to join us here, but glad you found us.
  13. MrsT85

    New Relationships....Post a Pic

    It will be a couple weeks before we get the professional pictures back, but I wanted to share a few wedding pictures from this weekend that were taken by family members:
  14. Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond or even read. As always, it’s at least a small comfort to know that this (unfortunately) this is something fairly common for us to have to deal with. Mizpah – thank you especially for your story. The way you bonded with your in-laws and the way my BIL and his wife did sound somewhat similar. Knowing our history (I had not spoken to Tim’s brother in probably a half-dozen years at that point and there was a lot of animosity that had been simmering for years over an incident that had happened way back in 2005) a few of my friends were concerned that I was placing too much trust in them and that I was setting myself up for being hurt again. Oddly enough, I vaguely remember my response to them was something along the lines of what you said – that I was willing to take that chance because I needed them NOW. That the support and comfort they were providing was worth that risk to me and I was willing to be discarded in the future if they could just help me get through the undefined “worst” parts of this journey. But then (or so I thought) we re-discovered our genuine friendship from years back and I looked at it as a thin brittle silver lining to the storm cloud that had just torn my life apart. I was actually friends with them before I even met my Tim – we met at a party the two of them threw in late 2004 – and was so very happy to have them back in my life. So I think that is a big part of why I'm having such a hard time with them in particular seeming to distance themselves. I've also been so reluctant to let go of our passions, because that more than anything helps me feel like I'm still connected to Tim. I feel obligated (and WANT to keep feeling the obligation) to not abandon the songs and artists that were the most dear to him even though I tend to feel incredibly drained and emotional afterwards. This will be a tougher issue to deal with, as it is an entirely internal battle and to be honest even I don't know which side I want to emerge victorious yet. I'm sure a lot of my difficulty is coming from the fact that I haven't (nor have had the desire to) make many of those big changes in my life that so many before me have reported as being so freeing. My few friends are the ones Tim and I made together. I'm living in the same cluster of neighborhoods that Tim grew up in and that we lived in together. I'm at the same job I started right out of college in 2007. These are things I've done purposely - the friends that are still standing with me are amazing people and I don't want to move away from them or my mother, who has been my most solid supporter - but I can see how they might slow down me "rediscovering" whoever the hell I've turned into after losing Tim. Thanks again to all of you, for letting me vent and chiming in with your own stories, advice and well wishes. I was about to say I appreciate you all more than you understand, but since you're all old-timers too I suspect you understand perfectly
  15. Warning: This is a long and fairly disjointed stream-of-consciousness post, as a lot has been on my mind in the lead-up to my wedding...apologies in advance, but as so many others have also said, this is just something I need to get out and I'm not sure where else I can go where people might understand... “You have to think about yourself, too.” My fiancé said this to me yesterday after I came home from a birthday visit with Tim’s mother and grandmother in tears AGAIN. I don’t go over there often because it’s really really hard for multiple reasons. One – she’s incredibly passive and always has been, so she’s never been the one to reach out and ask for help or extend the invitation for a visit. This (understandably) got much worse when Tim died. Two – she still lives in the house in which Tim grew up. That he was living in when we met, and where I would spend huge chunks of time during our first three years dating before we moved in together. So being there without him…bluntly, there are not many places in the world where his absence is more conspicuous. Three – his grandmother ALWAYS delivers a terrible emotional gut-punch to me whenever I’m there. She’s 90, so she and everyone else assures me it’s not something she’s doing on purpose, but good fucking lord does it always just break me down. Last time I was there, she asked me if I loved my new guy as much as I loved Tim. This time, she said, “I don’t want to upset you [note…this is why I think she does it on purpose – why the disclaimer if she didn’t know what she was doing???] but you and Timmy would have been married seven years at the end of next month?” It was the end of last month – May 30th – and yes. It would have been seven years. And this November it would have been 12 years that we’d have been together. Thank you for reminding me of the anniversary that he and I (and the child we wanted) were just robbed of, and for reminding me that he’s been dead now almost as long as we were married… Here’s some background, some context… I’m getting remarried next Saturday. In the couple years after Tim’s death, my BIL and his wife (P and G) trauma-bonded and became very close after having a very bad falling out with Tim and I several years ago. They were wonderful and one of the most valuable support systems I had that first handful of months, and after a year in my parent’s basement they let me move in (as a paying renter) with them for a year after they bought a new house. Before my fiancé and I decided against having a wedding party, I was planning on asking G to be my matron of honor. I had considered (but never actually went through with) asking P to walk me down the aisle. It was (and is) really important to me for them to be there, so I was thrilled when they quickly RSVP’d after we sent out the invitations in January. But after (and perhaps predictably) I moved out in early 2015 we began to grow apart. My fiancé had a rather uncharitable opinion as to why – I wasn’t there to help them pay their mortgage every month anymore, so I wasn’t worth making the time for. I think there may be a bit of truth to that, but I think just as much it was that I was an obligation that they felt that had fulfilled. G is “so insanely busy” with her job that I’ve only seen them maybe 5 times in the past year, and the most recent time – just this past Saturday at their request – was to tell me that they won’t be able to make it to my wedding because G is being forced to travel for work and P is going her with because it’s “the only chance they’ll get to go on vacation together” this year. I was crushed. I thought there was a decent chance that G would end up bailing and would use work as an excuse, but P saying he wasn’t going to make it either just devastated me. He *could* be there if he wanted. But he doesn’t. And that hurts like a motherfucker. Sooo….before we went over to my MIL’s house, it was made clear that I didn’t want to talk about my upcoming wedding because of how upset I was. It’s going to be a very small wedding – 50 people or so – so I really only got to invite a handful of people. Out of the 10 or so guests I chose that AREN’T blood relations, fully half of them declined, so I was already feeling pretty shitty about that. But it was this last minute bowing out by P - the person who told me I'd always be their sister and had become what I thought was a dear friend and one of my most important links to Tim – that really just tore me apart. Even knowing this, over the course of dinner together I still got the question from my MIL (who was one of my 5 'no’s' although I don’t blame her so it’s not one of the ones that really upset me) “So how is the wedding planning going?” Well, other than the fact that I spent a large part of the weekend crying because the son of yours that didn’t leave me widowed at 27 isn’t going to be there to support me on what’s going to be a bittersweet and emotional day for me in its own right…fine I guess… I didn’t say that of course, instead I just said something like okay other than the fact that it really really hurt my feelings to find out that P won’t be able to be there – to which she just shrugged her shoulders and said, “well, he’s an adult…” Then we spend a while being peppered with questions that we don’t know the answers to by Tim’s grandmother (and that she can’t ever hear our repeatedly shouted replies to since she’s so deaf) about the death of the little boy in Florida who was just killed by an alligator. Then more questions about the wedding. Questions that at that point (and I will admit to having a very low emotional pain tolerance by that point) I just had nothing left in me for. But I’m whining now...I know I’m whining…and it makes me feel so guilty. I’m not the only one who is in pain and who has had a rough handful of years. But the usual disappointments and frustrations I might have with his mother and brother now, things they’ve really always done and that I would have been able to brush off after a few minutes of venting with Tim four years ago, now hit me like a ton of bricks because these people are some of the only “pieces” of Tim that I have left. We’re all flawed people who I’m sure hurt each other from time to time (like everyone) but the hurt from them cuts deeper because they’re Tim’s blood. I try to be a good daughter-in-law, I try to be a good sister-in-law. But it hurts so badly, especially when my attempts to continue to include them in the most important events in my life are rebuffed. For the first time though, it made this thought pop to mind – trying to hold on to the people and things that used to make me the happiest I’ve ever been is now having the opposite effect. I need to figure out how to be a different person. I don’t want to, but I think I need to. I need to stop wanting to hold tightly to Tim’s family in an attempt to hang on to any part of him possible if they don’t want to hold me back. I need to find new passions and new hobbies that weren’t huge parts of my life with Tim, things that can be emotionally satisfying without also being exhausting and often triggering. Reading the 1+ year and BAG parts of the boards here lately, it seems like this sort of re-examination isn’t uncommon between years three and four. Maybe it’s a common time to hit an emotional and psychological sort of “breaking point”? I don’t know… But I think for my own sake, I need to realize my fiancé is right. I do have to think about myself too, and realize that the things I’ve turned to for comfort and distraction and the things that used to make the me happiest are now covered in thorns. And that even though I haven’t the slightest idea who or what they are, I need to find new things to wrap my arms around and draw close to me that don’t draw any more blood than I’ve already spilled… Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this pitiful whimper of mine...I know I'm not saying anything new or novel when I say that figuring this "new life" shit out is really really difficult...

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    4/6/2013
  • Cause of death
    Car accident


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