Fuchsia

I am having a really rough time with my daughter K. She is 7. We are nearly 4 months out from losing her dad (Rob). She has been "ok" throughout this, but I can tell that she isn't. We have dealt with a lot of worries, stomach upsets and behavior problems. I expected all of that. She just lost her daddy and he meant the world to her. What I wasn't ready for is the daddy meltdowns. We are trying so hard to find a way to be ok with this new family of just the two of us. But really we are so used to having Rob around to help to balance us out. When K and I would have moments of frustration he was always there to help us calm down. To take that moment of time out with him to just be grounded and feel ok. It made us better to have him. But now he isn't here to do that with. So we get into the middle of a hard moment and all of a sudden she is bawling for her daddy. Or we have to go to school and she can't make it out of the house cause of daddy. When she was "ok" just the moment before. Those were the moments he would step in with hugs for us both. I've explained that we can't stop living. We have to keep going. Even if it is hard. But in moments like that she doesn't want to. And I don't blame her. I don't want to either. All I want to do is hold her and cry because we are both hurting so much. But that isn't going to get us to school and work! It hurts so much to see my baby so sad. But there is nothing I can do because I'm just as sad and I don't know how to help me. I've got an email into her school counselor. Maybe she can help. I just want my family back!

I don't blame her at all for acting put. I am too in my own way. All of us who are missing Rob are. My step kids do things with her but not enough. They are kinda wrapped up in themselves and their own greif a lot of the time.

I have 3 kids. One of my own with Rob, she's 7. The other two are his so my step kids. They are 18 and 21 and no longer live with me. I am having the hardest time coping with parenting right now. It's been 9 weeks now and I'm just so tired. All I want to do is curl up into myself and deal with all thsee emotions. But I can't. I'm needed as a mom. And I feel like it's driving me crazy! If I have a sad moment and just need to take 10 minutes I get 4. Just enough time to settle into my brain before dd7 needs something. I can't even read cause I find my place and she's right there needing me. Yet if I'm doing things around the house she doesn't need me half the time! Only when I need me time. I'm so frustrated. I feel like I'm on edge all the time. I'm mot meant to be a single mom. That wasn't the deal. Rob was our balance. He stepped in when we got too frustrated with each other. Now it's just me and dd and we don't have that balancer. We clash so much. In part cause we're both grieving hard. In part cause she's 7. We're trying to figure out how to be together like this and it's hard. It's remaking our family! Yet the people around me don't understand. They see me getting frustrated but not the lead up. They don't see dd acting out her greif on me. She can be really rough on me. Its hard and it hurts. But I take it cause I know why she's acting out. I am trying to be so patient! But it's hard. And then my family and friends express concern for her because they think I'm being too frustrated around her. They are so worried about her. But they don't see me. They don't see how hard this is. They think I should just not get frustrated by it and just cope. How the hell am I supposed to so that? I am her punching bag verbally and emotionally and it gets hard to take. But apparently I'm not supposed to react. I'm starting to get worried that I'm going to mess up my poor dd more than she already is. But the people who are saying these things aren't even parents! Maybe they just don't understand. I just want Rob back. I need my dd to have her daddy.

To see him smiling at me. To be in his arms and feel safe.

It's my birthday today and I don't have my Rob. He always waited up the night before to say happy birthday to me first. I had no one to do that. I've woken up to some nice texts. But he's not here to hug me for my birthday. I'm sitting in the bed crying alone. I need him so much. I just want him back. I wish I didn't have to have a birthday this year. It's too much.

Mine is a tattoo. It's never coming off. If I ever remarry the new man can have my right hand. The left will always belong to Rob. I knew he was dying when we married last year. We had been together 9 years already. I knew what it meant when I got the ring tattooed.

I don't want to decorate or do Christmas at all. But my kids need it so somehow I will find it in me to do it.

I miss so much just curling up in his arms. I always felt so safe. I could really use that right now. The cats and kid are nice but it's just not the same. A friend came over and let me hug him as long as I wanted. It was so nice.

I found a widows group and went for the first time today. It's a walking group of mostly older ladies. I thought that would be weird but it wasn't. They were so kind. I walked up and asked if it was the group and in seconds I was in someone's arms crying. All she said was "I understand. We will be here for you." It was the kindest moment. We walked and I just talked and talked. Babbled in fact. A lady said at one point "it won't ever get better. But it will change." It was freeing. To think I don't have to "get better". I can be weak right now if I need to be. I don't have to strive to heal. It will come as it needs to.

I just miss him so much. I miss just sitting and talking with him. It gets so lonely. He was my best friend.

Thank you. That is very helpful.

His name was Rob. My love. My gamer. He was dowkidrock or WCkidrock. My sexy beast. The father of my child. My husband forever.

I worry that my friends are going to get tired of having to listen to me blubber and be sad. I don't want to burden them with this. But at the same time I can't stop talking to them about it. Sigh. Am such a mess.

Its been 5 weeks since I lost my sweet husband. It's been nearly 3 years since his cancer started. I'm in hell. I don't know how to find the strength to do this. I don't know how I made it through the last 3 years! Where did I get that strength? How can I find it again? How can I even care to find a way to live...not just exist? I'm going through the motions. All I really manage to do is be a mom and even that's a struggle. I want to curl up in my bed and just never get up. My friends and family drag me back to life every day. If not for them I'd probably be in bed right now. I just don't know how to keep going.

I rink it might be love. When all the pain of his illness is gone all I am left with is love. And that live makes me smile. Which feels very strange.