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Portside

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  • Date Widowed
    March 2007
  • Cause of death
    Suicide


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  1. Portside

    A new WIDDA heading your way

    Part of the issue is the old board and this one have very different "personalities" if you will. This is true of any forums that share the exact subject matter. The rules of the board, the moderators, and the posters all contribute to the unique personality of a specific forum. I think all of these factors, in our case, affect the frequency (or lack of frequency) of activity. If you remember, someone started a post months ago asking this very question about activity and after some spirited back and forth and wonderful discussion, the mods locked it. I thought that to spike a post talking about lack of activity might have the affect of um, well, depressing activity. But what the hell do I know? To answer your last question directly - No, it does not help personally anymore. I've happily moved on into a new life. I think I'm 12 years out or so - I don't even know for sure. I don't dwell on my old chapter much at all. But I believe I can offer a unique perspective, especially to widowers. Men generally experience things differently than women, and being widowed is no different. A man's perspective is not in the forefront here. It shouldn't be really. We have WAY more women posting here than that of men. That was true of the old forum also. But I still like to poke around a bit and offer a view when I think it might help. Best wishes - Mike
  2. Portside

    Going back to work

    If I remember correctly, I think I went back about 10 days after my wife died. It was good to get back into some sort of routine, even though I'm sure my work was subpar. The boss was very cool about it all and went out of his way to ignore slip ups. I traveled out of state five days a week before her death so, changes had to be made quickly so that I could remain local to take care of the kids. I really didn't have any issues with the folks at work other than that listed below. I did the things needed, closing accounts, numerous phone calls, etc. from work or a quick dash out. They were fine with it. But, some days I'm sure I just sat there for eight hours staring at the monitor. For me maybe the worst part of it was my workmates coming over and boohooing. I worked in a building with over 10,000 people in it at the time and hundreds of co-workers had heard the news. Many visited and if they were upset, I got upset. Good luck, Mike
  3. This is all good stuff. But seemingly not yet discussed or considered here is: what does NG want? What does he require from you? What is he looking for in a possible wife? What are his expectations of the current relationship? That is important too. I'm not losing sight that the beginning of this episode was NG acting in a way that didn't sit well with you tybec. Not trying to downplay it either. But, for any relationship to be a success in the long term, the needs, desires and requirements of both parties must be verbalized and processed. It's great you have, or are currently, letting him know what is important to you. Have you invited the same from him? It could possibly generate a ton of trust for both of you. Only then will both of you have the information that you need to determine a suitable and healthy path forward. I'm not sure this has occurred yet. To be sure, I haven't followed any previous discussions of your experiences with NG. So, please forgive me if I am ignorant of the facts. I guess I'm sort of thinking an truly frank and open bidirectional heart to heart is still in the future. (Could be wrong of course.) Best wishes, Mike
  4. I have a former wife and a few former GFs. My wife has a former hubby and a pile of former BFs. For a million good reasons, we all occasionally communicate through social avenues, mail or phone with each other. My wife and I do not report to each other every time one of us is contacted by the above list of folks or when we contact one of the exes. We are comfortable with those folks being tangentially in our lives. They, in some small way, add to the enrichment of our lives. You mentioned yourself you don't understand, or care for communications of this type between exes. I get it. No doubt, he fibbed about it. Because he knew you'd be POd. That's not an excuse, but it's there. I'm not going to tell you to feel this way or that. You feel like you feel. But I don't find this is a hanging offense. If he does something REALLY dumb, of course you both will need to address it. But in my mind, it's a minor foul. You and I will have to disagree about secrets. There are good reasons to fib, stretch the truth, and, sadly, lie through your teeth - sometimes. Not always, of course. The world and relationships are messy. Never say never. I trust my wife completely and I'm sure the feeling in mutual. She and I are done with the BFs and GFs - we both are confident it's over. Of course YMMV. Good luck - Mike
  5. Faye, does NG have any inkling of what even one horse will run him? Well, in any case, this, coupled with the idea of a hobby farm, seems to be an instance of divergent ideas of what is financially comfortable for the two of you. And, and I mean this nicely - unless he is an experienced contractor/builder, you're both too old for a fixer upper. I'm roughly your age. I've built three houses for myself and remodelled dozens of places for others. I know what it takes and I'm too old to do it again. I'm sure you guys will resolve this but it just kind of made me say "Oh boy" and smile a bit. Good luck, Mike
  6. Portside

    Public vs. Private School

    I attended a few "Mother - Son" teas when my boys were in grade school. I'm a guy btw . It really was no big deal. I wasn't the only non Mom in there and everyone was very nice to all of the attendees. I wouldn't let this influence your decision as to where to send your daughter. Having said that, there is no protecting your daughter from comments and questions from the world at large. Sometimes they will come out of spite but most often it will just be in the normal flow of conversation. The best thing you can do is to equip her with what to say when that happens. As an example - (my boys were 8 and 9 when their mother passed) - when J was 16 he needed a passport. During the application process the clerk said that both parents would need to sign. J told the clerk, my Mom died when I was little. Simple as that. Both the clerk and my son handled it without a problem. The point is, things will come up but try not to worry to much about it. Your daughter will take her cues from you on how to deal with this tragic turn of events. Good luck, Mike
  7. Portside

    Sad Loss Of WifeLess

    Ugh, so sorry to hear this Bluebird. Prayers for you, Wifeless and both of your families. Mike
  8. Portside

    Widowed Jan 16, 2019.

    I am not of the opinion that isolation is the answer for you. Of course, that doesn't mean you have to go with every invitation or have folks over. But to hole up in your place in as fragile of a condition that you describe is not healthy either. In some of your other threads others have mentioned finding a therapist that can help you process this crisis in a productive and healthy manner. She/he can put together a plan with you that will help you to find a measure of peace and provide a path out of the darkness. Please try to do that. Best wishes, Mike
  9. Portside

    News of Kate

    For us old timers here you may remember Kate. Her hubby passed and she had two little ones and one on the way at the time. Since then, she delivered her baby, met a great guy, remarried and this morning had child number four. Beautiful little girl. Mom, Dad and baby are all doing fine. 😊 She is just over the moon. Life is beautiful. Mike
  10. SB, might it also be useful to discuss with your son what happens if his GF becomes pregnant right now in their young lives? I certainly don't know what your hopes for him are (and what his hopes for himself are!) but wouldn't such an event surely throw a monkey wrench into his hopes and dreams. He is a young man and most of us (me included) were/are woefully blind about consequences. Is he aware the impacts are forever? For each of my four sons I laid out the impacts of an unplanned pregnancy. You don't have to work too hard to scare the hell out of them. Good luck! Mike
  11. Portside

    Widows at Christmas dinner

    To me this isn't all that surprising. Many of the older folks I know, which happens to include me too, have either personally experienced many tragedies or have been very close to them. Sad yes, but not all that unusual among all the folks they know. So, they may not make too much of it. It isn't personal at all. It's just if you live long enough, you've seen it all and are shocked by very little. Mike
  12. Hmmmmm. . . . I honestly didn't consider some of this may have been just venting. You know how us guys are - someone says something and we read that as asking for a fix.
  13. Ladies, in the interest of time since I know you are all very busy during the Christmas season, let me add my 2 cents using only a few words: (This isn't for any one in particular, only for the crappy situations.) WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS SHIT? BOTH of you should be actively working together to resolve any conflicts that may crop up. If he isn't, something is terribly wrong with your relationship. I get it is a rare thing to have no issues when dating again but wow, some of you gals are putting up with a shit ton of crap. And let's be fair, look inward also to be sure we aren't contributing to the mess. If there is this much upheaval now, when everyone should be on their best behavior, there will be even more later when you all get real comfortable with each other. I'd dump some of these guys. What's it going to take? Him telling you "I'm a dick/coward/child/not ready/whatever, you should leave me." Anytime you have to say to yourself "He's great when we are alone, but. . . . . .", it is a sign that he isn't The One. Move on. Go by the actions of a person - how does he treat you when you have a disagreement? It should still be respectful and done in such a way to try to resolve whatever is bugging you two. Good luck but boy, this stuff makes me sad. Get out for your own good. Best wishes and Merry Christmas - Mike
  14. Portside

    Need advice first real relationship

    Hi Ronda - I sort of took the opposite approach. Namely, "how can I hold back knowing that she won't be here forever?" I guess I'm a fatalist of sorts - Since it is a undeniable fact that ALL successful marriages end in death, I strove to embrace it and pack as much love and caring into whatever time is left for us. Granted, my approach is not for all, but it's another possible way to face what is unchangeable. Good luck! Mike
  15. Portside

    My father isn't doing well, need your advice

    Go down on the 14 as planned. The end. This woman cut you guys out long ago and, I'm sorry to say, your father let her when he was well. You don't owe her any special treatment. She doesn't give enough of a shit to look after your Dad now and she say you aren't supportive enough? After all the years of horseshit? Do what you can but I wouldn't tie myself up in knots about it. They made their respective beds. Now they get to lie in them. Good luck. Mike

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    March 2007
  • Cause of death
    Suicide


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