Wife of Tomasz

I am so sorry that this is happening for you and your boyfriend. I cant even begin to imagine the emotional rollercoaster ride you must be on. My mother just got diagnosed with cancer, 2 month before retirement. My Tom died from an overdose, so I'm not facing the same kind of triggers again, but a lot of my feelings are similar to what you explained. My view on life is also quite fatalistic. I don't have the shock that I expected, I'm just here, going through what is and not thinking about the future. May life be a little more gentle with all of us.

Hi DKnotts, I'm sorry that you had to join us on this forum. Being widowed young sucks sooo much. I was 29 when my Tom died 4 years and 4 month ago. Like you we where just starting our life together and had everything ahead of us. I was so happy to be with my soulmate and best friend. I could never have imagined that he could be taken from this world, and then he was gone in a blink of an eye, and everything shattered. Not just our future together, our family that we never got to grow, but also me. I know what you mean when you talk of other people our age just starting their family, being a young widow has a lot of social challenges that add to our pain. It took me a long time to wrap my head around everything that happened and how I could exist in this alternate reality. Finding places like this forum and other young widow groups was a lifeline for me, its the only place where I felt like I was not insane. It will take time to adjust to this new reality and to find any kind of footing in it. 2 weeks is so early, best thing now is to be gentle with yourself and take care of your physical and emotional health. The sage advise that everyone gives to those that join us is; drink water, eat when you can, sleep when you can, and take it one day at a time, sometimes one min, or one breath at a time. Hugs

I have not dated, and don't see that in my future, but I did have a crush on someone recently. It freaked me out so much. I didn't think I was capable of such feelings again. Such a mixed bag of emotions. WTF is right. But I guess now I know that I am able to having human emotions for another person again. Definitely not ready for it though. This is a great thread as I'm sure a lot of us widowed people feel this way the first time.

I have all of Toms things as they where also. Toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, shoes on the shoe rack. Don't see that changing, ever.

Hi Bubu, hugs to you. I have not changed much in my home since Tom left this world either (although somehow it feels like a lot of things in our place have changed). Change in our home gives me quite a bit of anxiety, as I feel like the world is erasing him, and I don't want him erased from our home too. I am 3 years and 8 month out. For the longest time I isolated myself. I could not handle most people and just wanted to be alone at home. Strangely after the 3 1/2 year mark, I felt a shift in this feeling. All of a sudden I need people to distract me ( I somehow feel much more tolerance for people now, although they still say stupid things. And I don't feel like I can really connect to anyone.) I guess what Im saying is that I can relate to how you are feeling as I am kind of going through a similar shift in my grief. Its a strange change, but then again nothing on this grief journey is predictable. Hope that the anxiety lessens for you soon, and that there are better days ahead.

so much pain... no words

oh man, Lmsmdm I could see how that would be really hard. I scattered Tom's ashes in the Coliseum (a place he always wanted to see, but never did). I would be devastated if something happened to that place. Hugs

Bubu27, I don't have any concrete ideas about what happens to us after death. But like you the thought that I will see Tom again, is the only thing that keeps me going many days.

thank you jeudi

When I was a year and a half out I took 3 month of work. It was the first time that I really let myself fall apart, as I did not take much time of when it first happened. The first 2 month where probably the worst time I had ever had. I did not leave the house, some days I wouldn't eat at all. It was really bad, and the more I let myself fall apart, the harder it was to pull myself back together. (I should say that I have no kids.) I realized then just how much good the forced routine of work had done for me. The last month I went to see my sister in another country. I did not want to go, but she made me promise, so I had no choice. To my surprise the change in scenery was great for me. I was away from our home, and I could imagine that I was on vacation and he was waiting for me at home. When I came back, I felt the best I have up to that point. The lighter feeling did not last that long, but it was what I needed to break the downwards spiral I was in. That was my experience anyway. If there is something that you can do to change things up for a while may also work for you as it did for me. Hugs

I live in Toronto, Canada. My heart is very heavy today for all those who are affected by the cruel massacre that happened here yesterday. We here at widda all know how quickly our whole world can turn upside down. Unfortunately we have new members to this club that no one wants to be a part of. So many lives take, and their families that find themselves in this hell of grief. Unfortunately all I can do is pray for them.

Fuck Anxiety!

Hi Cyndi, I was 29 when Tom died. That was 2 1/2 years ago. He also died suddenly. The shock was so intense I don't remember most of the first year. It is very hard to make sense of something so senseless. One min they are here the next they are gone. I spent a long time going over the "what ifs" and "if onlys". I don't do that much anymore. I have found out that death comes swiftly, in so many different ways, and there is rarely any time to react until it is too late. We also did not have a chance to have children, so I know how extremely lonely it feels now. I never knew that it was possible to feel so alone. I can tell you that the pain is manageable for me now (on most days). You are in shock, its your body's way of protecting itself. It will take a long time but it will not be this hard forever. My mantra has been " do whatever you need to to get through the day". hugs. feel free to send me a personal message if you feel like talking.

Congrats Bear! Glad that you are doing better. I myself use alcohol to self medicate too much.

Fuck Valentines!

I think this is a great topic so I want to add my story. I do not remember the last words. Actually the last thing he said was in polish and I do not speak it so I did not understand. I will always wonder what it was that he said. That night he had a bit to drink and he was always very mooshy when inebriated. He said so many wonderful things to me, how he couldn't wait for me to get home from work everyday, how much he loved me, and things like that. The thing he said that I remember most often these days is this "I will never leave you". He had never said that to me before. At first those words haunted me, but now I find a lot of comfort in them.

I wanted to start a new topic. Hoping that others will share ideas and what they have done to keep little parts of their person in their daily live's. I do not have many recordings of Tom's voice, but I do have one where he laughs. He had a big laugh that would fill the room, not even sure how to describe it, no one laughs like he did, it was as unique as his finger print. I clipped the audio recording and set it as my ring tone on my phone, now I get to hear him laugh everyday. Pls share your own stories.

Hi Bromans, this is something I struggled a lot with in the second year (still do at almost 2 and a half). The forgetting of things has been really hard and terrifying as it feels like loosing little pieces of them. We are the keepers, as I like to think of it, of all the memories. Even his childhood memories I feel like I am the only keeper of now. I have written many things down and continue to do so as they come to me. At some point I had to tell myself that they are not gone, that I have not forgotten, its just that its locked in some part of my brain that I can not access at this time, but there will be moments when I have crystal clarity and it comes back. It is another part of this lose that is very hard to manage. It is just another thing that we learn to accept with time. Hugs to you.

so sorry for what you and your family are going through

Oh I could write a lot on this topic. Most of the things that annoyed Tom about me where pretty small I think. He was not a patient person, but always patient with me. He would call me "a bull in a china shop" in the mornings when he was trying to sleep and I was getting ready for work. He would always make fun of how I would leave containers in the fridge that where almost empty. And take out "petri dishes" for me when I forgot food for too long (really miss that). The one that I feel bad about is how I was bad at taking constructive criticism for my art work, but was very good at giving my opinion on his art work. How I miss our imperfectly perfect life together.

Hi Leadfeather, opening the urn is a hard step to take. So glad to hear that you got through it ok. I was surrounded with family when I did that. they did most of the work as I could barely see through my tears. I am very glad they where there as I don't know how I would have done it alone. Overall everything about spreading the ashes was really hard. I think I did it too soon. It was still under a year. But now I am really glad that he is in one of his favorite places on earth that he never got to see in real life. the hill seams like a beautiful place. peace be with you when you spread the ashes.

Also hate fall. We met in the fall, it used to be a happy time. He died on Sept. 18th, his birthday is Sept. 26th. Sept sucks.

Hi CHM, I dont have any real words of wisdom. Just wanted to say that I get how that would be really hard. Its 25 month for me. I am still very crippled by the pain and spend most of my days in escapism from the real world. I also don't want to face anything about reality. I have not thought of having a new relationship so cant say anything about that. But you should know that most widows/ers have a really hard time with hospitals and illness of loved ones. It is just part of the territory. I freak out when holding my baby niece because I have this panicking fear that she will stop breathing. So I think that your difficulty in dealing with NG's illness is a very normal response. I have read many widow/er's stories on this subject and the irrational anxiety seems to be an inherent part of the widowed experience. It seems that it is something we have to fight for a long long time. I think you should be open with NG about how difficult our loss makes it for you in this situation. Good luck, hugs

Hugs jigib

hi Beth, I am just past 2 years out and his clothing is still in the closet and toothbrush in the bathroom. I have not gotten rid off/moved anything, only gave some items to family. I do not see myself getting rid of anything anytime soon, or ever, and do not think I should have to. All the most expensive things in the world can not come close to the value of these items to me. I also do not do much. My motto has been "do whatever you have to to get through the day" since the beginning, and that's how I have been "living" so far. What you wrote at the beginning is just how I felt at that time too. I could never have imagined that it was possible to live for a year with this loss let alone 2. I was really hoping that it wasn't. I am amazed to say that somehow, just by doing it one day at a time for 2 years I find myself in a place that does not hurt as much as the beginning. I really did my best to be on auto pilot all the time, and now I have no idea how I got to where I am now, but its not as dark. Now anytime I am having a bad moment I think back and remember that last year when I had a bad moment the intensity was much greater. Sorry I am rambling. Just wanted to say I understand. hugs