For the past 6 months, I've known that the 4-year deathiversary is coming. And now it's just around the corner. Every day that it gets closer, I feel like I die just a little more inside. Just 9 days left. Nine horrible gut-wrenching days. The laundry stacks up, the dishes are ignored. I only have the energy to sit and watch tv. I sleep in every morning. Fight to sleep every night. I didn't think it would be this hard. He was unhealthy. It was just a waiting game, knowing he would pass some day. And he did. In his sleep. An easy way to go. But rather than be glad that he hasn't suffered these past four years, I feel abandoned. He left me. It's the only (very illogical) way that I can see it. I want the 16th to be over with. I want to see it in my past and be able to breathe again. Unfortunately, once that one passes, then I have the 29th, our wedding anniversary. August just sucks.
Numbness. That describes this perfectly. I thought I was healing, getting better, getting beyond the loss. I was a caregiver. His death was as much a relief as it was anything else. But it's those damn little things. I wake up, get the kids off to school, go back to bed (just cause I'm alone). I eventually roll out of bed, cause I don't want the kids to see how much I hurt every day, how alone I am. I thought I had moved on. Started seeing someone, a fellow widower that I've been friends with since we were teens. I thought it was helping. I was wrong. I'm lost. I'm alone. I'm numb. And I don't know how to change it. I'm just glad that I'm not the only one. Sorry for intruding on your post and talking about me. Your post just hit exactly what I've been feeling.