blue

Gosh yes. I think at first people probably wanted to give me "space". A couple months after he died I did get maybe 3 invites to go out in the evening, but I had a traumatized 4yr old who would go into a panic whenever I left him and the invites were not things I could bring him to. I passed because I couldn't figure out the logistics. And then people stopped inviting me and the ones who never reached out probably felt weird for being out of touch. Fast forward and now I'm 2.5 years out and I'd say I am in touch with maybe 10% of the so-called friends we used to have. Things are better this year because now that he is 2 years older, my son and I have all kinds of adventures together on the weekends and I'm not just counting the hours.

..

I feel like I need to tell this story. For now, I can't tell it anywhere else, which is why I'm here. I know this is too long!! My husband, DH, died 18 months ago after a short illness. Except for visits from my mother, who lives on the other side of the country, I’ve been mostly alone, trying to cope, raising our young child and trying to get my career back on track. I’ve had a lot of shame around the being alone part. My thinking has been, who is left alone after such a tragedy? Only losers, that’s who! I’ve kept quiet about it and just tried to get on with things. DH had a terminal illness but everyone, other than me and his doctors, thought he was going to beat it. He wouldn’t allow discussion of anything else. His family are members of what I call the Brightness Brigade, believing that optimism, a positive outlook and the right diet could cure stage IV cancer. They also believed that saying the word “terminal” could cause a person to lose hope, and they’d die. It was so important to DH and I wanted to support him, so I didn’t lie but I wouldn’t contradict him in his presence. But as a result of this projection of optimism and dishonesty about the gravity of his condition, we didn’t get the support we needed from friends and family. All his care fell on my shoulders. And worse, in the end our child never got to say goodbye to dad. Being analytical and a gatherer of scientific information (like, actual science, not the Dr Oz kind), I tried several times to explain the nature of and the seriousness of DH's condition to various members of his family. They dismissed my concerns, preferring to believe DH and instead suggesting I seek counseling for my stress. They were most concerned that my lack of faith would cause my husband to lose hope. Two weeks before DH's death I told his family bluntly that he didn’t have much time left and they should come. They didn’t believe me. Three days prior to his death, when I had already, for weeks, been overwhelmed caring for both an increasingly incapacitated husband (brain tumors: crazed delusions, seizures, falling out of bed, ripping off his diapers, pissing everywhere) and an alarmed preschool age child, DH's mother tried to stop me from calling in hospice to help me because, in her words, I was giving up on her son. When DH died, I kept his body in the house until the end of the day and called for any of his friends to come visit. A couple friends came for a few hours. His mother came by for an hour. His siblings live far away, in other states. I didn’t expect them to arrive that day, but I did expect them over the next few days. After three days, not hearing anything, I specifically wrote and asked them to. I said I was overwhelmed and needed help. Could they come be with our child? They didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t. Thank goodness my mother, who was here for 2 weeks leading up to the end, was able to stay on for another 2 weeks. But even with her help it was crushing. I hadn’t slept in weeks, our child wouldn’t let me out of sight. I tried to sleep during school hours but there was the cremation to organize and a memorial service to plan and a seemingly endless amount of cruel, death-related administrivia. Most of all, I think I wanted the world to stop and notice that my world had ended but everyone just went on with their lives. DH’s siblings and spouses and their kids arrived 10 days later, for the memorial. Most of them left immediately after. I saw them one more time at another memorial service they hosted a couple months later. I’ve seen DH's mother twice since then, for a total of 2 hours. I haven’t seen anyone else in the family. On the urging of my therapist I told them 6 months ago how hard it was to be left alone at the hardest time in my life. The gist of their replies was….sorry we weren’t there but we were grieving too, they've had a rough time, etc. Fair enough I guess but to lose both the love of my life and the family that called me a daughter for most of my adult life was hard. During the horror of that first year I didn’t have any hopes or dreams and barely any will to live. It’s been love for my child that has gotten me out of bed every morning. But somehow I haven’t lost my mind. The last few months have been particularly hard but I feel like I might be turning a corner. I can sleep through the night and am not plagued by nightmares. I no longer have flashbacks. My child seems to be doing really well. I still have some difficulty concentrating and can’t do a solid day of work but it feels better than it was. I’m still as lonely as fuck but I do believe things will get better. That’s something. Thanks for reading.

My mother's opinion on my one year of widowhood.... “You need to get out there and find a partner now because otherwise you’re going to be alone for the rest of your life” Thanks mom

...

omg yes childcare!! an additional $20,000 a year

yeah, I can completely understand not wanting a stranger to watch your kids! The thing is, eveyrone knows I searched for a nanny for months (I asked the other mothers first, but they don't use paid childcare). The woman I hired has an early education degree and passed a background check. She's an older woman in her late 50's and also happens to be my neighbor. I'm suspecting the reciprocity thing is close to the truth. This parent also mentioned that I'd "gotten some slack" in not being expected to volunteer at the school last year but now that it's "been a while" (her words. my husband died 14 months ago) other parents might be expecting me to get back to normal. Whatever normal is, I can't help noticing that none of the fathers volunteer or organize play dates either! I'll try the weekend thing. My son misses his friends.

There are a couple parents who my son has had playdates with since he was 2. Since kindergarten started I've been working during the day, and so I have a nanny who picks up my son at school and watches him until 6pm. When it's a playdate, I have her bring the other kid home to our house and she watches both kids. I'm never far, since I work from home. Anyway, the playdates kind of dried up in the last four months. One of the mom's confided that she is not comfortable with my nanny looking after her son. Then the other mom said it as well (they are friends since childhood, I've lived here 7 years). Today I got a possible insight into it. I asked a friend of one of the moms for her advice. She, like me, also moved here from the city and also has a career (most of the moms here don't work). She has an older daughter and we've commiserated a few times in the past on not being all that enthusiastic about parenting. She said that she thinks my issue is because I am "outsourcing my half of the playdate bargain" and that if I hosted playdates on weekends, balance would be restored. This had never occurred to me. So many things to keep track of as a widowed mom!

Captains Wife, I could have written so much of what you wrote. All I want right now is to work during the day and to have an evening out with adults once a month....but it seems impossible for similar reasons (daily babysitter has cancer, no extended family, unable to find evening childcare). Sometimes I feel like my life is over and I exist only for my child. Here's how I cope when I am at that lowest of the low points...I come here. And then I cry for everything I've lost. I know that sounds depressing, but then I feel better! I feel like there is hope and I just have to be patient.

.

Just goes to show, we might all be widowed, but each of us is still a unique snowflake! Helen, for what it's worth (nothing maybe), my husband and I couldn't resist each other and had sex on our first date...and we were solidly together for the next 18 yrs.

Dear Helen, I think in 2016 the rules are what you make them. If you're hot for each other right away, why not? Go for it and enjoy it! If you prefer to wait, then wait and enjoy that! The key is to keep clear what YOU want to do and not what someone else expects. Dawg knows we've suffered enough! Giant hugs to you (I'm also in my 40's and dating again for the first time since my youth. It's totally weird.)

[qn".

.;

I've noticed with the new design that apostrophes are sometimes converted to question marks. I think you might want to check the character encoding settings of the form? p.s. love the new design!