SoVerySad

Yes, the disappearing was my experience too. I could never say how much finding this group helped me get through days I just as well would not have. The fact that I have also developed full friendships with some people from here has been an added blessing. I truly detest that any of you have need to join here. Each new member breaks my heart, because I know it is another person deeply hurting beyond what they ever imagined they could. I am humbled by the ability of the members here to embrace and lift up other wids when they can barely keep themselves going. Widowhood is so dark, but there is light to be found and shared here. Essential light.

Thank you for the good wishes. Unfortunately, our date didn't happen today. He is very sick. I could hear over the past few days that a cough he had was getting worse. So I asked him to stay home and rest today and to consider getting it checked. He has pneumonia and spent the day getting iv antibiotics. So we will reschedule once he's feeling better. From all I've seen and heard so far, he is worth waiting for. I just hope he quickly recovers, so he is feeling better.

I am sending each of you a tight hug. I remember that pain so well, and how I didn't think I could stand another minute. I just wanted to be back with him. Next month will be 4 years since he died. I am finally to a place where I can share that it has gotten lighter for me. I never thought it would. I still miss him, always will. But you do reach a lighter place where you start to look forward to what is coming vs dread it because your spouse can't be with you. I know that doesn't help lessen our pain any now, but I hope it will give you hope to hold onto. At your stage, I was just pushing through one day, sometimes one hour, at a time. It is excruciating. More hugs...

Thank you all. It is a good place to be. I have told people that for me it hasn't gotten better or easier really, it just has gotten lighter. Lighter both in less heavy and less dark. As it has gotten lighter, I've been able to finally get my feet under me again. I've also been able to let go of some of the mourning and embrace the good memories. With less mourning has come more room for good memories. I sill have days that hurt a lot. I imagine I always will.

It sounds really lovely. Hopefully it went well for you. I am still hoping to get one someday. Hugs!!

Those who have been here for a while might be surprised to see me here. I was sure I was never, ever going to be interested in another man or relationship. It has taken me quite a while to get to this point (my T will be gone 4 years next month), but I have my first date post-widowhood coming up on Tuesday. I am excited and nervous at the same time. My husband and I started dating when I was 16 and we were together for 30 years. So, I don't have much experience with dating, clearly. Although it is our first date, we have been texting/talking a lot daily for a couple of weeks now. It has been a complete surprise to both of us how comfortable we are talking to each other. I am enjoying it more than I can say. Counseling has definitely helped me get to this place. I don't think I would be ready to have another relationship if not for the counseling. It has really helped me to accept that T is no longer able to be here, but I am still here and deserve to be happy again. It feels really good. We laugh so much. My daughter told me the other day that she heard me laughing on the phone and she hasn't heard me laugh like that since her dad died. She said it is really good to hear. Both kids are supportive, but it remains to be seen how they will react to actually see us together. They are 17 & 18. He also has a 16 year old daughter. As we've been talking, I have noticed old pieces of me coming back. I thought they were totally gone, but not all are. I am always going to be a different person than I was before T died, but I'm finally hopeful I'll be happy again. I have no idea where this relationship may go and I'm actually comfortable with that. We're just going to see where it goes. I'm just enjoying it, trying not to overthink it as I often do. The best part is I haven't felt any guilt. I haven't done any comparing between T and this man. It has taken me a long time to reach this point, but I'm glad I am here. I appreciate the support and encouragement from my friends here. I've always hoped to at some point be able to change my username. I may actually be able to.

I can see why you are frustrated. It does seem like you should be able to proceed if you understand the risks. Please, if you aren't able to donate your kidney, it won't be your fault. It will be the strict guidelines. I've been dieting. One thing that has helped me is staying in my room as much as I can, instead of downstairs where the kitchen is. Then I'm not as tempted to get a snack. Tight hugs!!

Lovely... thank you for sharing it. I wish the same for you.

Thank you. Happy New Year to you as well. I join you in wishing everyone here as much joy as you can find in 2017.

It was beautiful! Thank you for sharing it with me.

My apologies if this has been posted before. The holidays seem so different now without my husband's larger than life presence. This struck me several times over the past two weeks. This song's lyrics capture how I've been feeling. You should be here for events big and small, Baby. I'm making the most I can of my life without you, but this feeling that you should be here never leaves me. I don't think it ever will. I'm fine with that. I still love you, T!

Congratulations, Trying!! It is so nice to hear that all your boys are on board with you getting married. Wishing you much happiness!!

Thank you all for the hugs and condolences. I appreciate it. I talked with my counselor about this today. She pointed out all the ways losing my father differed from losing Terry suddenly and unexpectedly. It made a lot of sense. She thinks I'm responding appropriately.

My father died in the early hours of Thanksgiving. I was raised from the age of 1 by his parents, but continued a relationship with him. He lived out of state. I thought it was strange (and hurtful) that he didn't come to see me or attend the memorial service after my husband died. I found out a few days later, it was because he had been diagnosed with bladder cancer. It was Stage 4 when it was found. He underwent chemo and radiation a couple of times and this summer had been found to be cancer free. He had other medical issues as well. Unfortunately, he had a bad reaction to a new medication he was started on recently, which caused kidney failure and it all went downhill from there. I was able to visit him for a short time the Sunday before he died. He had just made the decision to go home on Hospice, which I fully supported. It was very hard to leave, realizing that it may well be the last time I would see him. I didn't expect him to pass away so quickly. I feel strangely calm since learning he died. Part of this is because his quality of life had really diminished over the past couple of years. I think some of my friends and family are concerned that I am too calm. I don't think I'm avoiding my feelings as I have thought about it quite a bit. I just think that grief is kind of a default state of being for me now, if that makes sense. I've learned to live with it. It doesn't hurt less. I've just become accustomed to the feelings. They are familiar for me now. Anyone else experience something similar?

I can relate well to feeling terrified. I have found it really important to not look ahead too far. You'll be doing it from where you are now, so of course it feels terrifying. But in the future, you likely will feel stronger than you feel now. You'll have adjusted to handling things on your own - things you never thought you could. It is really important to focus on where you are at right now. Making it through each day, taking care of yourself and your children. When my mind would wander to the future and the fear would set in, I literally had to say to myself, "No, you are not going there right now. You don't have the extra energy to worry about things in the future." As far as friends, that is a really hard adjustment, especially if your spouse was your best friend. To not have his/her support when you are going through something so monumental is very difficult. Then you feel your friends backing off and it makes it worse. Some relationships may continue and others may fall away. I have found I've made new friendships I really treasure. It is completely normal to feel like you no longer fit in. You do fit in here, though, so remember we are here for you. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need an extra listening ear. Tight hugs...

I wish I could reach thru the computer and give you a hug. Around the 5 month mark for me, I started to feel so much worse. I had been warned that could happen, but I could not imagine the pain could get worse. Then it did. I was sure I was completely broken. I truly was, I think. People told me it would get better, but it didn't for quite a while. I had several others traumatic issues occur after his death, so I had to put my grief at his loss aside to deal with those, so don't be worried by my timeline. It was skewed by those events. I can tell you that although I was broken, I have begun to put myself back together again. Slowly, piece by piece. I've realized once the pieces get put together, I'll be different than I was before I was broken. Small pieces of me were lost along the way. My life is not going look like it did while my husband was here, but I have started to live again. I have color in my world where there had been only darkness and grey. I think this is the first year I've really noticed again how beautiful the trees are since they changed colors. I'm singing to myself again. I can't tell you how it happened. I guess it just took this much time FOR ME. It is different for everyone, because each of us has unique circumstances and personalities. One thing I kept going back to was a member here, Wifeless, replied to me early on and told me to remember I wouldn't always feel the way I did then. When I felt totally lost, I would repeat those words to myself over and over. It took me a while to actually feel a little better. I still have days where it feels really hard to be without my husband. But I'm managing it now. I've had glimpses of hope I'll be happy again, as I've genuinely experienced it at times. At your stage, I really didn't think I could stand it. Just know that there were many of us who felt the same way and we're finding or have found our way through the pain to live life more fully again. I truly had to take it day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I'm so sorry for the hurt you are going through. Tight hugs...

I'm sorry you are hurting. Sending you tight hugs...

Mikenter, I'm so sorry for the loss of you wife. You are correct that it is no one's business regarding the circumstances of your wife's death. You aren't beholden to offer an explanation to anyone. You can simply say you went home and found her dead. If they press for more info, tell them you are too heartbroken to talk about her death right now. Going to the store has proven to be very difficult for many of us in the early months after the loss of our spouses. It surprised me how hard it was as well. I'm not sure why that is so, but I just wanted you to know that is not uncommon. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but will share that being part of a community like this where people understand how hard and confusing it can be literally saved my life. I hope you will find it a source of comfort and refuge as well. Hugs....

I agree that there is no need to wait for the Parent-Teacher conference. Those are usually on a schedule where you only get a short set time period to talk, anyway. Like TooSoon, my son has never been able to remember the math facts. OTOH, he got 100% on pretty much every spelling test he ever had. After 2 years of non-stop, unsuccessful drilling math facts both at school and home, I said enough. I stopped it at home. They were pulling him out of classes he was successful in to do those drills. I told them no more of that. We have calculators in this world. They are on most phones now. He may always need to use one and that is okay. I had a lot of trouble getting him assessed through the school district, needing to make multiple requests. When they reluctantly agreed to do the assessment they noted that the concern was parent-driven and the teachers had no concerns. Whatever. When the results came back, they were all shocked at how he had some serious deficits in some areas. I wasn't. I had noticed it before school when I was teaching him to write his alphabet letters. I think he didn't catch their attention, because he was so well-behaved at school(hell on wheels at home, though). The best thing I can say is to keep pushing and being your child's advocate. I'm guessing my son's IEP team was never excited about seeing it was my son's meeting, due to me. I was always polite, but persistent. I also learned early on that the teachers don't get the IEP's often until a month into the school year. Given that eye contact was really difficult for my son, I wanted his teachers to be aware right away that he wasn't being disrespectful. So, I write letters to his teachers at the beginning of school making them aware he has an IEP that includes..... Good luck. It is hard enough to see our children struggling without the teacher (likely inadvertently) making them feel worse. Hugs!!

I'm sorry, sweet friend. Anniversaries are really hard. For me they've been the hardest day of each year. Sending you love and tight hugs...

I'm so sorry for the sudden loss of your husband. My husband was also 51, when he died suddenly from a fatal arrhythmia. It is very hard to wrap your head around. Your feelings are not uncommon for those who have been widowed, unfortunately. The feeling like you are losing your mind is so difficult, especially because the one who could help to ground you is no longer here. I'm sending you my love and a tight hug.

Fuck not having my husband here to wrap his arms around me and tell me we're going to be okay.

I'm sorry you all are feeling this loss. I still miss being able to touch my husband. Touch is really important to me and I've felt the loss of it very deeply. My husband died suddenly from a fatal heart arrhythmia. They tried to revive him without success. When I was allowed to see his body, I ran my fingers all over his skin, just wanting to memorize how he felt. I loved holding hands with him, so I lifted his hand to intertwine fingers as we so often did. His hand was cool and his fingers were getting hard to easily bend, but I had to have that feeling one last time. I'm further out (3.5 years) and while I don't exactly remember the physical feeling of touching him or him touching me now, I totally remember the emotions I felt touching him and being touched by him- how much reassurance and comfort it brought me. I'm thankful to have those memories. If you feel you are losing the sensation of how your love felt, try to just remember how wonderful it was to touch him - the emotions doing so brought to you. It really helped me. Hugs to each of you...

I'm sorry you are having to deal with so many issues, CG. I know how overwhelming it can feel as I'm continuing a never-ending run of challenges since my T died. It majorly sucks. I literally broke out into hysterical laughter this week when another health issue was discovered (which was definitely not funny). It has just reached the point of being so ridiculous. Please know that I'm sending you love and tight hugs. I hope things turn around for you very soon!

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife. I remember how long the days seemed in the first year after my husband died. It seemed like one day took a week to get through. At 3.5 years out, time is back to regular for me now, so I can offer encouragement that it will start moving more quickly for you as well. Like others have stated, the members of this forum and its predecessor, and the friends I have made here, have been a lifeline for me. There is comfort in another understanding the depth of your heartache and not judging you for expressing how much it sucks. To be able to be real in expressing your feelings really helps. Hugs to you!