still_lost

I have one son who is now nine, but he was 18 months old when my husband died. I wanted to try for another child when my son was three, but I never got the chance. I'm grateful for my little boy everyday because without him, I wouldn't be alive. Those early days took a lot out of me, but my son was my reason for getting up and living. I have always wanted to have another baby, but at 36 and no hopes of a relationship or marriage, I find myself sad at the thought of not being able to have another one. I feel cheated on a few different levels. I've let go of my expectations, or hopes rather, of being married again, but the baby one is harder for me to shake. Have any of you felt like this?

I cry when I think of all that I've lost over the past eight years. My life could never be the same. I hurt for me, my husband, and my son who will never get to know his daddy. I've realized now that I don't cry when I look at his pictures anymore. I'm kind of sad about that. What does it mean and has anyone else experienced it?

Deleted.

I'm just so tired physically and emotionally. I wasn't supposed to be doing this alone.

8 years have passed and not much has changed. I've dated and had a relationship, but things didn't work out in the end. I'm not happy with my job living situation, etc., and I don't have many friends to vent to. I care for my child every day, go to work, and then come home and do the necessary chores. My only comfort is spending time with my son who gives me a reason to get up every day. I can't begin to fix my life, I don't know where to start. I've given up on people and the hope that this will get better. It seems to have only gotten worse the more time goes by.

I guess it's a good thing that I'm learning more about myself. I feel like I've shouldered so much in the past soon to be 8 years. Opening my home to 4 kids, two of them teenagers, then his drama with the ex-wife would've been more than I bargained for. My point being that I don't want to alter my life all that much. I guess that's very telling when it comes to my future, but I'm still recovering from losing the life that I loved with my husband.

Since my last relationship, I've come to realize that I'm not as open to certain things when it comes to a relationship. The last guy I dated was divorced with 4 children, all under 18. He was a great guy, good father, and great with my only son. He was willing to move a lot faster than I was prepared to go. He was talking about marriage in the future, etc, etc. We weren't even close to that for a number of reasons, but even considering that life made me pause. I didn't like the thought of having to open my home up to 3 other little children (his oldest lives with him), every summer. He still had issues with the ex-wife that should have been resolved ages ago. I didn't want to be in the middle of that. I mentioned his oldest son being disrespectful and doing things that I didn't like. Then he mentioned that if we ever lived together my son could share a room with his younger son, then the girls would have to have a room together for visits, etc... I didn't want to appear selfish, but I realized that I'm not willing to alter my life all that much. Does that sound crazy?? I know it says more about me than it does about him, but he had a lot going on. I know that there are some widows, and single women in general who will not date a man with small children, and there's definitely good reason for it. I was thinking on the situation today, and it just made me realize that I can choose who I want to have in our lives. I have grown to like it being just the two of us here in our house. I've had to go through a lot of growing pains, but in almost eight years, I've found what works for us. I'm trying to get used to the fact that I may not get married again, or have anymore biological children, and that is okay.

Thank you. Sometimes hearing that I'm not alone in my feelings helps me to feel better. I think some people think I should be over it because 7 years have passed, but that is not the case. Some days I feel just as bad as I did in the beginning. I guess that's what they are referring to when they say grief is a roller-coaster.

This November will be 8 years since my husband died. I feel like I should be further along in my life. I feel so disconnected from people at times. I believe there are parts of me that died with him. I'm still struggling to raise our only child by myself, and it's not getting any easier. I tried two relationships in seven years, and they just didn't work for a few different reasons. I feel like I'm more comfortable being alone. I was on my own for four years before I began a relationship. Now I just feel like I don't want to deal with a lot of other people's "stuff" as I still have enough of my own (I'm sure that sounds terrible, but it's true). So much of my energy the past few years has been on trying to survive the most devastating loss. I fear that the rest of my life will just be surviving and not really living. I'm tired of this.

Yes, there is. Thank you.

Thank you, Marian. My thoughts exactly. I have worked with teens 13-17 years old for years. Their behavior is nothing new to me. This is blatant disrespect. Bf makes excuses because he "has a weird sense of humor" but I don't find it funny. He's smarter than most kids his age, according to bf, and family members have also complained about his mouth. This is much bigger than me, and I'm not prepared for the battle.

It is very difficult, as I'm learning. I admit that this is very new to me, and I wanted to make sure that I wasn't overreacting. Bf said that I can't expect everything to be perfect all the time, and there are going to be issues along the way. I get that. He says he disciplined him, and there will be no more problems, and I don't believe that. What will happen down the line is his son will begin to resent me because I'm always complaining to his dad, and he keeps getting in trouble. I'm not prepared to keep battling with anyone. My child isn't perfect, but he's not blatantly disrespectful to adults. When he's wrong, I correct him. Bf tried to guilt me, I guess, by saying that I'm wiling to throw away a relationship over a child, but it's much more to it than that.

Thank you all for responding to my posts regarding my current situation. I mentioned bf's son who is causing a few problems between us. After thinking about the situation, and having a couple more incidents, I've decided to end the relationship. I've never disliked a child in my life, but his son puts me in a bad mood whenever I'm around him. At 15, he believes himself to be far superior to any adult. He will correct you, offer his opinion on things that he knows nothing about, or answer to you in a very condescending manner. A huge red flag for me was when bf said, " He's already smarter than his mother, and there's clearly an intellectual difference between him and certain friends, that's why he only has a few." So it's clear that bf condones his behavior, and his little "talks" with him aren't working. I don't care if he is "smarter" than his mother. He is still a child, and needs to respect her. There's no way to separate the two, as his son is part of the package. I just find myself being irritated whenever I'm over their house. Bf will make him apologize when he's wrong, but soon after there will be another incident and I'm tired. This past weekend, I was visiting and decided to make a meal for all of us. He came in the kitchen while I was cooking. He was just kind of lingering, and when I had my back turned in the fridge, he was about to add seasoning of my food. That pissed me the f@#& off!! I told him I didn't need his help, and he could leave the kitchen. We all ate, everything was fine. A few hours later when it was time to leave, I said goodbye to him. He had to add his smart-ass comment, "I still added seasoning to your food" and I lost it. I told bf after I arrived home. He said he would deal with him, and tell him not to joke with me anymore. I calmly told him that we've had one too many issues with his child being disrespectful, and I'm not going to tolerate it anymore. Bf clearly doesn't see his son's behavior as a problem since he's only "being a boy" or he's just joking." Either way, I'm out!

No, we do not live together. We see each other 3-4 times a week, so our boys see each other then. He is typically only like this when it comes to parenting. I can also understand that divorce can be tough on kids, but that's no excuse for being a jerk. If the roles were reversed, I would've made my son go turn on the TV for him, especially since two adults were talking in the kitchen. I would've explained to him later how he was being disrespectful, and reminded him that I do not tolerate any form of it. Bf seems bent on trying to correct my son for things that he overlooks with his own child. The other day, my son left a small cup on an end table. He asked him to put it in the sink, ok. He told me that leaving cups around is an issue for him, and my son shouldn't have to be told to put it away. Yet, his son has old dishes under his bed, and clothes thrown all over his room?? Are you crazy? Now that in MY house is not acceptable and my son knows better. A few days later his son left a cup on the floor in the living room, and he had to remind him at 15 to put it in the sink, so it's very hypocritcal. I'm just not up for the battles, and I had to be in the situation to realize it.

I don't want this to sound bad, but I honestly don't think I'm ready to deal with bf's children. He has four, but only his 15 year old son lives with him. We had an issue this evening when my 8 year old asked the 15 year old to turn on the tv. We had just come in from a game, and I wanted to talk to bf in the kitchen. I told my son to ask his son to turn on the TV for him. They have a firestick, we don't, so it's difficult to navigate. So my son comes back into the kitchen and tells me that he said no, and could I ask him to do it. I turn to his son and ask why he didn't turn the TV on, and he said he didn't feel like it. I look to bf, and he can see the irritation on my face. So it's time for us to leave after 30 minutes or so, and bf walks us out. I told him that I did not appreciate his son being disrespectful to me, he said he will deal with him, ok. Then he says that he has an issue with my son coming to ask me after his son had already told him no. People are going to tell him no in life, so he can't just go to someone else when he doesn't get what he wants. This situation was totally different, and I told him that. He felt like I didn't want to accept his criticism and that was not the case. So I guess I can see that certain things are going to be an issue for me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive about some things because it is a huge adjustment for me. I've never been with a man with younger children, and it's not always easy for me to see someone else reprimanding my child. I can accept where I'm wrong, and I correct him when necessary. I've met all of his children, but during holidays and summers are when the other three are with him. I don't think I'm ready for all of this. I've raised my son alone for the past seven years, and it's been difficult enough. Tonight just allowed me to see that it may be too much.