Tatianakm

Flying for business this morning, everywhere around me are the happy vacationing families with small children, so exited to get to their destinations... I keep clenching my jaws in the effort to not to reduce to tears, thinking how my little girl is missing out... I know, total self pity here. Feeling this way took me by surprise, I thought I learned how to not spiral out; it’s been 2 and a half year, wtf! Sitting in the airplane, short of sobbing uncontrollably, hopefully they won’t unload me. Thank you for listening...

I could have written this letter word for word, besides the dating part; just dont think I need anyone to complicate our lives (my daughter is 16 months old and I don't have time for anything else, besides work and her). Not ready, don't think I will ever be ready. Thank you for writng this letter. And hugs to you and your liitle girl.

One person who helped me immensely in my processing of the death of my husband did tell me that it will take TIME, in fact long time for me to feel better. He pointed out that actually the same acronym is used in AA meetings: TIME- Things I Must Earn, and earning for me would be working my way through this journey and earning that relief eventually. So I keep my nose to the ground and plow through the good, the bad and the ugly, truly believing that eventually I will earn my relief. It does get a little easier with TIME.

My heart goes out to you, truly it does, know all too well how it feels with a very small child and being a solo parent. And still so in love and missing my husband everyday...those milestones and special dates are the hardest to live through. Giant hug to you and your little guy.

Wanted to share my own experience here. I was picking up my daughter from a playdate with a little girl, her first friend. I am so fortunate I met this lovely family, lovely people, a young couple who are just wholesome and very kind to my daughter and I. Well, when I walked in, a little boy, who is 5, the older brother of my A's friend, ran up to me and asked: "...Ms. T, would you like to go up and see my goldfish?" The sheer joy and excitement of having his first aquarium and goldfish were just spilling out of this little boy. This is the first time I felt like my grief is limiting me in providing my daughter with her own "goldfish" experiences. I am so consumed with the basics and focusing on surviving, putting one foot in front of the other, if you will, I am afraid my daughter is missing out on the exposure to all the joyful things this world has to offer. How does one find the right approach here? My daughter is the only source of true joy for me; we do have now more good days than bad, after a little more than a year of my husband's death. How do I make sure I provide all the "goldfish" moments for her? How do I make sure that solo parenting, which I am quite content with, won't rob her of having a happy and robust life ahead?

I can see why, the book conveys very strongly that God has nothing to do with churches or organized religion in a traditional sense of it. It's only expectant that the traditional churches will have a problem there... But that is a sideline...again, the main message is great- it is about acceptance and forgiveness. After crying through the most of it, at the end it was comforting.

I haven't seen the movie, but read the book. It was given to me as a coping help during the first months after my husband's death. It's amazing and I recommend it to all who are newly grieving, with the warning that it's not an easy reading. The take away for me wasn't much theological, but I saw it as a great help to come to terms with many "why me" and "not fair" notions that circle very early on. I wonder how the movie compares to the actual book it is based on? I hope it's not a disappointment...

Congratulations and best wishes! Love your dress, Christine and Andy looks smashing! So very happy for you both! Here is to you and Veuve!

It will happen, you just can't force it. I saw a medium and he acknowledged that my husband tried to visit, but I was so consumed with grief, he couldn't "get in". His advice was to wait until the grieving softens a bit ( was an impossible notion at that time). Most recently I had a particularly shitty day, was so down and in complete despair, my daugher was in her bed, snoozing so sweetly, and I just fell asleep for a split second on the couch in front of another meaningless show, when i felt him bending over the couch, taking my face in his hands and kissing me upside down; he used to do it spontaneously when he was alive. I woke up instantly, smiling. It was awesome and very comforting. So give it time, it will happen.

Joyful milestones are the most difficult to handle for me too. Tough situations and difficulties I can overcome, but happy occasions while not having him by our side to share always culminate in tears. The whole day of my little girl's first birthday I just clenched my jaw and continued to smile and even laugh, but all i could think about was the evening after when i put her to bed, all guests left and i can be myself again, no pressure to perform. A year since he died is approaching and i realize i am in for a long haul here with my grief. It's exhausting, cant imagine doing this for 5 years! Hugs and solidarity, Tybec, thank you for sharing your experiences.

Solidarity and a huge hug! I am in the exact same boat, tomorrow will be 10 months since he died and we are left completely on our own, just me and my almost 11 months old girl. This Christmas wasn't totally horrible, as I deliberately surrounded us with totally different experiences that in the past. First I felt like I needed to decorate the tree, to keep things as he would want them, managed to buy a tree, put it up, decorate with lights and garland, then just couldn't bring myself to put up the ornaments- we used to buy a special ornament on every trip and vacation we took together; almost 20 years of memories was more than I could handle... I didn't buy any gifts for my girl, as like you have mentioned she is too young to really understand it yet. So this stupid tree really looked silly without ornaments or any gifts around it. And this dangerous thought of how very different this would be if only...all we talked about was how different our Christmas will be with the baby, looking forward to opening gifts and spoiling her...So I opted to leave for Christmas to spend time with friends, packed us up and didn't come back until it was all over. So while we feel lonely we are not alone, there is a very small comfort in the thought that there is someone else out there is putting one foot in front of the other in the almost identical situation, surviving and making the most of it, one day at a time. So, solidarity and a giant hug to you and your daughter.

9 months out today, was lurking behind the scenes for a while now, every time I felt like writing, I have reconsidered right away. And this is how it seems to be in life generally now- can't find any connections that feel worth while my effort to establish or maintain. People around have been amazing, from my in-laws to complete strangers, who wanted to comfort, make me feel less lonely, included. I do appreciate the effort and attention, even try to push myself to reciprocate, keep reminding myself that perhaps new people in my life are meant to be there, meant to offer new experiences. Some days I want to be there, but the minute I am out, I cant wait to plop back on the floor in my living room- complete mess filled with my little girl's toys and just roll round with her all day long, in PJ, and not be bothered with the outside world. I am becoming a recluse, realize that I shouldn't, for the sake of my daughter...I know, I am rambling some nonsense... I am grateful that this first November without him is almost over: our birthdays are in November, Thanksgiving- big family Holiday...what's my family now? I seem to drift indifferently from day to day... I survived, what is next? First time ever I am not looking forward to Christmas, and at the same time know that I have to put the effort in to make it special for my little girl. She deserves to have a life filled with joy and fun- I put on the daily show for her, for my friends, old and new, for my workplace, people who rely on me to perform; in reality I would love just to get slushed and cry myself to sleep. What is your experience? Did you "fake it till you make it"? When did you reconnect with life? Any advice here? Or, really just thank you for listening.

I am so sorry for your loss, Frank. Reading through your post brought all those hospital memories right back. My circumstances were different, my husband suffered a sudden cardiac arrest and already was brought in unresponsive, but I remember vividly wanting to find any signs of life, kissing his hands- the hands that caressed me, were already lifeless and wax-like, but his body was still warm and so dear and familiar...reading through your post made those memories vivid again. I am a little ahead of you, i started this journey on February 29th, at times it all seems a blur, at times it becomes very raw and unbearable. It is very normal to think about your future life and dating, there is even a term for it- " plugging holes". This void is so enormous, it is natural the people who were in a long term relationship are seeking to "plug that hole". Take your time, don't look into the future just yet, cry when you need to, talk about her if you feel like it- true friends will not mind, but will support. And one advice i got from this forum was to set my expectations very low at this point- just one day at a time. When it gets unbearable I go to the cemetery and will have a talk and a cry, and it helps to spill the emotions out. And read...through anything you find helpful, post here, we get it.

In the very beginning i wanted to dream about him so badly, but I only had one dream, about 3d or 4th day after his death, he was standing in our kitchen, it was a bright sunny morning, and he smiled and said " common, babe, where is my vitamins, you know I have to be on point with it, if you really want me to be on this health kick..."- i used to lay out his vitamins for him. And I replied- babe, you won't believe what happend to us, i think you died! He smiled and i woke up. I saw a medium and he acknowledged this dream, pretty much word for word. He also said that my husband tried to "get in" but i am so consumed with grief that he can't. In time when my grief had softened a bit, i do have dreams with him, very brief and so lovely, most recently, we were sitting on a bench, it was night, i was laying with my head in his lap and we were stargazing, and i couldn't tell whether it was tears, rain or shooting stars, but it was very comforting. Every dream with him is comforting. I could go on like this forever, if only we "live" in my dreams. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I always thank him for this treat.

Your love for Michelle shines through, Rob. I am sure your sweet Michelle is watching over you and your lovely girls; you probably notice it too in those subtle signs they send us from where the margaritas flow freely :-) It must be an allergy epidemic.

Fuck that the only place I feel peaceful at is at the cemetery, near his tomb, close to him Fuck that I feel out of place and that I don't belong anywhere else Fuck that I can't find any connection to anything or anyone despite of how hard I push myself Fuck that i tried so desperate to hold it together that now I am in physical pain from the constant pressure and tension Fuck my stupid heart for still being so in love with him...and my mind for not grasping that he is never coming back...

Hello yogamom72 and Sirin, It will be very helpful in the days to come to read this forum and come to post often, share your fears and feelings, when no one in real world ( IRL) can relate to the tragedy of your loss. I am also relatively new here, already "graduated" to over 6 months portion, but the loss is still very raw at times. I have a newborn, well, infant now, but my baby was only 3 weeks old when my husband suddenly died of a cardiac arrest. Our challenges are so very same and yet so different. Best part that it is very safe place to share and no one will judge, God knows I have posted some babble in my early days, but always found someone who reached out to calm me down and lift me up. Truthfully, this is going to be very long and very painful journey, but we all will get through, just read all the inspirational posts of the guys and gals who are farther out than we are. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending you tight hugs.

The article makes perfect sense and it all goes back to a human touch- with a single long embrace and even better- pat on a back, human brain releases oxytocin- "love hormone". Greater amounts of oxytocin hormone levels appear to be associated with greater relaxation, more willingness to trust others, and general psychological stability. It appears to help us reduce our stress response and reduce general anxiety. Just a recollection of his hug, gentle rocking back and forth and patting my back, that feeling when you close your eyes and almost can melt with the sense of security and being loved- miss this the most.

He would be on edge right now about Formula1 outcome; thrilled that Nico has a chance at the championship; a bit sad for his beloved Ferrari making 4th and 5th. Darling, I continue to watch the races, as many as I can; hope you are having fun up there with some great F1 legends, spraying champagne out of giant bottles and all; you deserve it!

I am getting more and more excited as the group grows larger and larger. So, I think I am going to "graduate" into definitely coming roster. Me plus my 6 months old girl. I will bring sicilian picnic chicken dish, since it seems we already have plenty of side dishes and salads. This is going to be brilliant! May I have the address?

I am so sorry for this tragic outcome. Having just recently to deal with high risk pregnancy and almost daily visits to the doctor, I remember the anticipation, cautious excitement, daily panic attacks of what ifs, listening to every move, and the joy of delivering. This is devastating to be surrounded by all carefully selected baby items that under different circumstances would bring just atmost joy! I am just so very sorry! Unfortunately the worse is yet to come at the delivery. Leslie, I am wishing you all the humanly possible strength to be able to provide the support for the days, months and years to come for your daughter. So very sorry!

I am sitting at the airport and waiting to board yet again delayed flight- flying for business first time since my husband died. Not sure if it is 6 months mark approaching or just general crappy mood, this is so unbearably lonely. Airport was usually a fun place, exciting traveling to fun vacation destination or anticipating getting home and sharing all the details of a business trip. Now I am facing a horrible realization that nobody really is waiting for me, nobody really cares if I make it back, nobody, nobody.What all of this is for then? And when is it going to end? Missing him so strongly...yet have to clench my jaw and carry on. Sorry for the pity party...

I have checked and it would be about two hours drive for me, which is totally doable. I might just get brave and join you; I am afraid I am too early out and will just cry most of the time, as I do when I allow myself to get my guard down around people who get it. So color me maybe..., provided that I manage to arrange for a babysitter.

Oh, geminigirl, I think all of us have a "favorite" day of the week, sarcastically speaking. Mine is Monday, my baby was born on Monday AM, so it usually starts upbeat, but my husband also died on Monday, late PM, so I finish pretty low. I get it about not wanting to go to the park and feeling like wanting to check out completely. We also went to the park for a walk quite often, first when I was pregnant; my husband, always full of energy, used to, as he called it, "walk me". Then when the baby was born it was a part of a daily routine; i did not even know how to unfold the stroller, was his "job" to set it up. I remember struggling with it in front of a funeral parlor when i took the baby to say goodbye, being angry with myself and feeling ashamed, that I never bothered even to take a look at how he did it. I forced myself to get up every day and drive to the park with the baby, to give her some fresh air, limiting the walks first to 20 min.- all I could stomach at the moment, walking and crying at the same time- thankfully under sunglasses no one could see. Then my limit was increasing and the fresh air and physical activity were doing it's magic. You never really get desensitized to seeing complete families strolling alongside, but I no longer sob uncontrollably when I pass them. Give it a try, for your girl, you will have a new routine, just the two of you, that special time to share together. It will get better, I promise. Hugs to you and your sweet girl.

I am only 5 months and one week out, only and already at the same time. Reading your post made me cry, as this is exactly how I feel too: this can't be real! Not him! This man was too vibrant, too full of life to just die so sudden, to just stop being, to just disappear. I still keep saying "we" when I talk about various events: we have this, we prefer that, we went there, we usually do this...Today I was signing a contract for the life insurance policy I purchase for myself to protect my daughter and in the marital status column "married" option was checked off by the broker. I contemplated for a little while to just leave it as "married"- I am still very much married to all the wonderful life we had together. I am crying as I write this... I could care less if I die tomorrow, actually I would prefer it. Now that the insurance policy is in place my daughter will be protected. I do try every day to make the best of it, to be fully engaged at work and at home, but everything feels like a chore, nothing brings joy, besides time spent with my little girl, she keeps me going, whether I want it or not. I take every effort to not make any plans at all, just keep my head down and keep plowing through this life, however long I have left and one day, I am certain, he "will come through the door" and we will be together again. (Tight hug)