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Bluebird

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  1. @Jessm1, Welcome to Widda.org although I’m sorry you have reason to be here. I can relate to much of what you have shared regarding the lost promise of your relationship, what a good person your husband was despite his battle with addiction, and the guilt you feel as you look back in hindsight. I lost my husband to chronic late stage alcoholism, and although I knew he had a life threatening addiction, I was still in deep shock when he died from it. I too found my husband sitting in his favorite chair, almost like he was waiting for me. There a no “shoulds” in the way you are handling your loss. For the first months of my loss, I spent most of the time in bed or going on lots of walks, by myself, crying under sunglasses. I did not want company and I did not want others to tell me how to be, or that I was being “together” or a “mess”. I wanted to be alone with my grief. The one thing I would say, is if there’s one priority right now, it’s taking the best care of you that you can. Grief is harsh. It weakens us. Being physically healthy - drinking enough water, eating food that nourishes you, getting some time outside if you can...all these things strengthen you for the road ahead. I have one widowed friend who set a goal...get up each day and take a shower. She repeated that every day until the darkest fog lifted and she could begin to think about other things. That was her best, and it was enough to get her through. Please take care, Bluebird.
  2. Bluebird

    kagill's Real Sex, what are you needing?

    Hi everyone, I can see that things got a little iffy on this post lately and I wanted to share a couple of thoughts. This thread has a long history, both here on widda and previously on YWBB, of providing a safe place for our members to share what is on their mind regarding sex, intimacy, skin hunger etc. As such, it can get risqué. The other thought is that if a particular post is of concern to you, there is always the opportunity to report the post to a moderator. This happens on an intermittent basis and the moderating team do our best to ensure that our guidelines for the board are met, and if not, the poster is advised (privately) that an alternative approach is needed. Thanks so much! Bluebird.
  3. Bluebird

    Waiting in the wings

    Hi everyone, After discussion among the moderating group, we have decided to lock this thread to further comments since the OP has deleted the initiating post. Thanks to all for your contributions.
  4. Bluebird

    website hosting

    Just donated. Thank you for all that you do Lewis!
  5. Hi Carmsen, welcome to widda.org and I'm so sorry for the loss that brought you here. Like you I was almost completely lost in the pain of losing my husband. At two months, that pain is overwhelming. In a situation where addiction or similar circumstances preceeded their death, the swirling memories of their decline torment us and fill us with what-if's and regrets. I too was the one to find my husband's body and felt traumatized by seeing him, then realizing he was cold and then understanding he was dead. Seven years later and my stomach still churns as I reflect on it. My heart goes out to you ((((Carmsen)))). Hurting yourself isn't the way forward. At this moment, you need to do the opposite of that instinct. Instead of hurting yourself, pour those emotions into taking care of yourself. Simple things like eating regularly, getting a shower, talking with supportive friends, praying or meditating, writing/journaling, participating on our website. Please also consider a grief counselor - sometimes it really helps to know that you aren't alone in your feelings and to get support for what you are going through. It will be hard at first, but as time goes by I know you won't always feel as you do now. Take care, Bluebird
  6. Bluebird

    I have to do this today, have to....

    Hi there HvnBound, I'm glad you came back to post and share this big stress in your life. First, aside from this issue, I'm really happy to hear that while life isn't what it used to be, you seem to be quite happy and making the most of the gifts in your life. Yay! That's half the battle! Regarding the house - I like the suggestion of renting it out if possible, and at worst putting it on the market. I think a lot of us turned a blind eye to the very difficult decision of what to do with property or things we shared with our partner. I certainly did. We had a property that my hubby literally put blood, sweat and tears into renovating, that we tried to sell when he was alive. After he died, I knew I couldn't deal with it and rented it out. Unfortunately the renters caused a lot of damage which was both psychologically and financially troubling. That was really my wake-up call to push through my feelings and get it sorted out. I knew it was going to continue to bring me pain if I kept things in a holding pattern. In my case, I put it on the market and made far less than I should have. However, after some tears and new feelings of loss, I began to feel freer than I ever have. I hope that you will be able to find a solution that is tolerable and is freeing HvnBound - it may not be painless, but I believe it will be worth it. Big hugs, Bluebird.
  7. Bluebird

    Multiple Losses

    ((((DragonTears)))), I know these virtual hugs don't really cut it, but it's the best I can do. I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered over the years - both of those you hold close to your heart and the loss of self and opportunity that comes from years, even decades, of caregiving. That fairytale life you write about so beautifully is also elusive. Elusive enough for me to completely agree with you - even for those who appear to have it, "who knows what hell is behind their veil"? I wish you courage and strength as you find your way through these losses, Take care, Bluebird
  8. Dear DonnaP, Unfortunately I don't have any experience on this topic to provide meaningful input, I did however want to send my support and admiration that you are seeking to better understand how to respond. I thought this article might be helpful: http://parentinfo.org/article/when-your-child-comes-out-as-transgender-a-qa-with-sue-chitayi Love and hugs, Bluebird
  9. Thank you WifeLess, I still remember the day I first read this post because it had such a tremendous impact on me. As sad as all of our losses are, it felt good to know that someone else understood what I was going through. I can't believe it is seven years since you lost Beverly. From all you have shared about her I know she is a very special and much loved person. With love and hugs, Bluebird
  10. Oh Dragontears, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know the coming days, weeks and months will be difficult as you experience the pain of her loss. Sending you wishes of the comfort of loving memories. Take care, Bluebird
  11. Bluebird

    Happy Father's Day!

    Happy Father's Day to our widowed community! I know many of us reflect on the amazing men who are our fathers, husbands, partners and mentors, whether they are with us today or not. May you be surrounded by the knowledge and memory of their influence on your lives today and every day. A special shout out to the widowers in our group who have stepped into the single parent role after the loss of their life partner - wishing you a day full of joy and love. Take care, Bluebird
  12. Bluebird

    My ex boyfriend has gone

    Dear devastatedbroken, I'm so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend and the loss you have suffered. I too lost my husband to addiction (alcohol) and although he did not complete suicide as we understand it, I've come to think of his drinking as a slow form of suicide. Knowing it will eventually kill him, and doing it anyway. I can relate very much to the things an addict will do to not only keep the drug of choice in their life, but also to keep someone in their life who deep down they want a healthy relationship with, but their addiction gets in the way. It's such a paradox to try and hold on to something that will kill them, and something they see as the only good. It's desperate stuff. But I hope that you will eventually see that you hold no guilt and no blame for the consequence of his addiction. I recall very clearly dreaming once that my husband was in the middle of an ocean, being battered by waves and unable to keep his head above water. I dived in to save him and he was frightened to come to the shore. He asked me to stay there with him, which I tried to do, but as the waves got bigger, he started pulling me under with him. I woke up with a start and knew deep down that I had to save myself. You did that. You made the choice of self care and that is something that you should never feel guilty for. Take care, Bluebird
  13. Thanks to all who signed up to be Santas and/or Gift Receivers! Everyone has been matched. Happy Holidays!
  14. Hi fellow widda.org members. Bumping this up. Tomorrow (Sunday 29th) is the last day to sign up to participate in Widda Secret Santa! Don't be shy now!
  15. Bluebird

    Love is War No More

    Hi TheOtherHalf and welcome to widda.org! As I read through your post, I found myself nodding my head in agreement about the idea of being shut off to love, making peace within oneself and then realizing - "Oh crap - it means I can love again" ;D For some reason, the time span for that process for me was lightning fast - just 5 months after my Stephen died I realized I could love again. Not that I wanted to, but I could. I suspect arriving at this awareness so quickly had a lot to do with the time I was in alanon before he died where I spent several years anticipating his death from alcoholism and grieving his loss to the bottle. In that horrific context, I was lucky enough to have alanon by my side. It became the place of self discovery and healing, and upon reflection, prepared me well for what was to come after he died. It's not a journey that's over, I don't think it ever will be, but I have come to the place of peace within myself that carries me through the highs and lows of life - so far anyway. Your period of isolation and discovery of your lineage sounds like it produced a similar effect to what I experienced in alanon. Sometimes our darkest hours produce the greatest insights. Wishing you well with your newfound inner peace, Take care, Bluebird
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