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Bluebird

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Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    01/21/2019
  • Name of Spouse
    WifeLess
  • Date Widowed
    Jan 21, 2019
  • Cause of death
    Pancreatic Cancer
  • Spouse's Age
    0

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Bluebird's Achievements

  1. I’m so happy the site is back up. I’m Bluebird. Widowed in 01/10 and again, to WideLess, a former contributor and friend to many here in 01/19. Sending my love to all.
  2. Bravo! Thank you Lewis!
  3. Bumping WifeLess’ essay on this, the 6 month anniversary of his passing. The kids came over this evening. We talked of his courage and strength up until his last breaths. My everlasting love, I miss you so much. 💜
  4. Hi UnforgettableU, So sorry my reply is so delayed, and you’ve already had some good insights from Portside and Bunny. I just wanted to send my send my warmest wishes that your son and grandson can help your grandson through his loss. On the subject of your anger and understanding, both are totally appropriate. I too felt deep anger toward my first husband during times when he appeared to be intentionally harming himself, and ultimately killing himself, from addiction to alcohol. However, as I read more and more on the mental illness battle that many addicts and those who die from suicide face, I realized that I if I was to be angry at anything, it was his illness that caused the insane “choices”. I also wanted to comment on helping your grandson deal with the loss of his Mom. Sadly my sweet husband, WifeLess passed away and our grandson, who is 10 years old was quite close to him. it occurred to me that I didn’t know very well how to help a child with understanding loss and handling their grief and so I talked to my own therapist about it. She referred me to some books and a bereavement manual from a children’s agency and I’ve excerpted some of the most helpful information for me here: Talking to Children about Death It is important to talk to children about death in simple but matter of fact terms. Normalize death (it happens to everyone and every living thing but usually when we are very old) and be clear about what it means. If death is not discussed at all, it becomes scarier when it affects a child’s life. There are many wonderful books, some of which are listed in this manual, that help families explain death and dying to children. Here are some helpful suggestions about how to talk to children about death: Strategies for Talking to Children Ages 2-6 1. Start Early: Talk about death starting at an early age by using everyday examples from TV or the death of animals.This will help them view death as part of the natural life cycle. 2. Tell It How It Is: Use simple, truthful words like “dead,” “dying,” “died,” “buried,” or “cremated.” Dead means not moving, not breathing, not seeing, and not feeling. The person’s or animal’s body does not work anymore. Though it may sound nicer to you to use phrases that make death sound less final, it can be very confusing to the child. Examples of confusing explanations: “We lost him.” Child’s response: Let’s go look for him! Can’t the police help? If I’m lost, will they look for me? “He passed away.” Child’s response: Where is away? Can we go there? “She went for a long trip.” Child’s response: Where did she go? When will she get back? What do you mean she’s not coming back if it’s just a trip? “We had to put Fluffy to sleep.” Child’s response: Why isn’t he waking up like I do? Will I be able to wake up? (Sleeping means dead, so I’d better not go to sleep.) “God took her from us.” Child’s response: Why would God do that? You’re not supposed to take things from other people. I want to take her back! “God wanted Dad in heaven with him.” Child’s response: God takes people from us. How could God love us? 3. Tell The Truth: Do not “protect” a child from someone who is dying. Be honest about what is happening (in age appropriate terms) and let them see you express your emotions. Define new words they may be hearing. 4. Encourage Questions: Ask for questions the child may have but do not volunteer complex information the child has not asked. Tell them the main facts and do answer all of their questions simply and promptly. If you don’t know, it’s ok to say that you don’t know. Ask the child what he or she thinks the answer might be. 5. Allow All Feelings: Encourage the child to express feelings openly. Crying is normal and helpful. Many children express anger towards the person for dying and leaving them. It is important to allow them to express these feelings and let them know it is ok to have them. (Anger is one of the stages of grief.) 6. Express Yourself: Share your feelings with the child. Seeing you upset will not make the child worse. It lets him/her know you are hurting too. Allow the child to comfort you – this makes him/her feel helpful and needed. It’s ok for children to see you cry. 7. Be Patient: Know that children need to hear “the story” and to ask the same questions again and again. This is how they are processing it. You may also see it in their play. 8.What If’s:“Are you going to die too?” “What will happen to me if you die?”If the child is worried about the surviving parent or siblings dying, tell the child who will take care of him or her in that case but offer reassurance that they are not likely to die anytime soon. Point out elderly people the child knows or sees and discuss how many people live to old age. 9. Exposure: Limit the amount of exposure to television if the death is being publicized. This can increase nightmares, worry, and expose children to knowledge of unnecessary details. 10. Reassurance: Reassure the child of his/her safety at home and at school. 11. Outlets: Maintain daily routines as much as possible, as this signifies safety to a child. But, allow your gut to guide you about when you need to be flexible. Give the child a chance to play and spend time with you, as this is how the child will express what is going on inside. My heart goes out to you, your son and grandson and I wish you well on this new journey. Take care, Bluebird.
  5. It's hard for me to be here again. I remember connecting with the first version of the board after I lost my first husband. Mostly I felt that I was in a safe place and could unload my worries. After falling in love again with WifeLess and now losing him, I'm not sure if this feels right. However, I had a burning urge to say this: If my sweet husband could face the death sentence that hung over his head every day for 7 months, then I can do hard things. I can sort out household problems, I can be alone, I can feel feelings that bring me to my knees. I can go on until we meet again. WifeLess - forever yours.
  6. Some on this board will know of WifeLess, an ardent supporter and contributor to this board and the prior board it replaced. I know him as my husband, and the man who restored my ability to love and enjoy life after the loss of my first husband back in 2010. Sadly I share here that he passed away from pancreatic cancer less than a week ago. It seems fitting that I mark the solemn occassion here, and to do so, I'd like to share what I wrote as I announced his passing to our friends and family [edited here to protect private details]. WifeLess - may you rest in peace and free from the horror of your cancer. Until we meet again my love, Bluebird. A Great Man A great man left our company today. He would smile wryly at the description “Great Man”, thinking that perhaps we had lost our minds. But we have not. We see and feel the mark he has left. In the field of mathematics, his theorem and proof created a bridge across two great ideas struggling to make sense relative to each other. As a teacher - inspiring and guiding students through their coursework by teaching in a way they enjoyed. He thought of it as putting on a show, not simply teaching, and he made the material come to life. Loving and caring son, brother, brother in-law and uncle. Adept in the family way of not having to say everything, yet knowing that all that is important was said and/or felt. Loyal and loving husband to Beverly, aiding her through psychiatric illness, standing by her side during hospitalizations and treatments, working all the while and eventually co-creating their beautiful home. ”WifeLess” to many in the widowed community. A sage contributor and a friend to many on the bulletin board that we called home for a while. Offering insight to those who were suffering and understanding just the right thing to write or say to offer comfort and hope. Penning “Unique and Devastating Loss” - to help the widowed explain to their family and friends the breadth and depth of loss when one loses their life partner. Somehow, after experiencing devastating loss “WifeLess & Bluebird”came together and fell in love. And what a love it is. Kindred spirits drawn together forever. Our love spilling over to a shared love of my children and grandchild. While never a biological parent or grandparent, WifeLess became much loved by his new extended family without hesitation. The bond of love spreading further and further with the adoption of each other’s friends - my friends, your friends, now our friends. “In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close It goes without saying that WifeLess is a great man, loved by many and assuredly to be missed by all. Together, we will make a reservoir of tears as we mourn his loss with heavy boots. Indeed, the weatherman will report that the Reservoir of Tears has burst its banks and caused floods far and wide. Farewell WifeLess, the light of your life will live on brightly in each person whose life you have touched. I do not know how I will go on, but I will try to shine a light as bright as yours my love.
  7. Hi Mike, Tough topic. I bought a double plot for Stephen and I, never thinking I’d fall in love again. My name is not on the double grave stone. Fred knows my wishes which are that half my ashes are to go to my son, to bury me or otherwise as he sees fit. I suspect this will mean that they are interred with my first husband Stephen so my son has a place where he can “visit” his parents. If I pass before Fred, I‘ve asked that Fred help my son achieve this if needed. The remaining half of my ashes are for Fred to do with as he sees fit - take me to my favorite park, to a loved town (Cape May), wherever will give him peace and comfort. I hope this helps. Take care, Bluebird.
  8. @Jessm1, Welcome to Widda.org although I’m sorry you have reason to be here. I can relate to much of what you have shared regarding the lost promise of your relationship, what a good person your husband was despite his battle with addiction, and the guilt you feel as you look back in hindsight. I lost my husband to chronic late stage alcoholism, and although I knew he had a life threatening addiction, I was still in deep shock when he died from it. I too found my husband sitting in his favorite chair, almost like he was waiting for me. There a no “shoulds” in the way you are handling your loss. For the first months of my loss, I spent most of the time in bed or going on lots of walks, by myself, crying under sunglasses. I did not want company and I did not want others to tell me how to be, or that I was being “together” or a “mess”. I wanted to be alone with my grief. The one thing I would say, is if there’s one priority right now, it’s taking the best care of you that you can. Grief is harsh. It weakens us. Being physically healthy - drinking enough water, eating food that nourishes you, getting some time outside if you can...all these things strengthen you for the road ahead. I have one widowed friend who set a goal...get up each day and take a shower. She repeated that every day until the darkest fog lifted and she could begin to think about other things. That was her best, and it was enough to get her through. Please take care, Bluebird.
  9. Hi everyone, I can see that things got a little iffy on this post lately and I wanted to share a couple of thoughts. This thread has a long history, both here on widda and previously on YWBB, of providing a safe place for our members to share what is on their mind regarding sex, intimacy, skin hunger etc. As such, it can get risqué. The other thought is that if a particular post is of concern to you, there is always the opportunity to report the post to a moderator. This happens on an intermittent basis and the moderating team do our best to ensure that our guidelines for the board are met, and if not, the poster is advised (privately) that an alternative approach is needed. Thanks so much! Bluebird.
  10. Hi everyone, After discussion among the moderating group, we have decided to lock this thread to further comments since the OP has deleted the initiating post. Thanks to all for your contributions.
  11. Just donated. Thank you for all that you do Lewis!
  12. Hi Carmsen, welcome to widda.org and I'm so sorry for the loss that brought you here. Like you I was almost completely lost in the pain of losing my husband. At two months, that pain is overwhelming. In a situation where addiction or similar circumstances preceeded their death, the swirling memories of their decline torment us and fill us with what-if's and regrets. I too was the one to find my husband's body and felt traumatized by seeing him, then realizing he was cold and then understanding he was dead. Seven years later and my stomach still churns as I reflect on it. My heart goes out to you ((((Carmsen)))). Hurting yourself isn't the way forward. At this moment, you need to do the opposite of that instinct. Instead of hurting yourself, pour those emotions into taking care of yourself. Simple things like eating regularly, getting a shower, talking with supportive friends, praying or meditating, writing/journaling, participating on our website. Please also consider a grief counselor - sometimes it really helps to know that you aren't alone in your feelings and to get support for what you are going through. It will be hard at first, but as time goes by I know you won't always feel as you do now. Take care, Bluebird
  13. A big thank you to K-REBat for organizing today's bago. Although we didn't get to chat with everyone in depth it was amazing to be with others who just get it. 💕💕💕 Take care, Bluebird
  14. Hi there HvnBound, I'm glad you came back to post and share this big stress in your life. First, aside from this issue, I'm really happy to hear that while life isn't what it used to be, you seem to be quite happy and making the most of the gifts in your life. Yay! That's half the battle! Regarding the house - I like the suggestion of renting it out if possible, and at worst putting it on the market. I think a lot of us turned a blind eye to the very difficult decision of what to do with property or things we shared with our partner. I certainly did. We had a property that my hubby literally put blood, sweat and tears into renovating, that we tried to sell when he was alive. After he died, I knew I couldn't deal with it and rented it out. Unfortunately the renters caused a lot of damage which was both psychologically and financially troubling. That was really my wake-up call to push through my feelings and get it sorted out. I knew it was going to continue to bring me pain if I kept things in a holding pattern. In my case, I put it on the market and made far less than I should have. However, after some tears and new feelings of loss, I began to feel freer than I ever have. I hope that you will be able to find a solution that is tolerable and is freeing HvnBound - it may not be painless, but I believe it will be worth it. Big hugs, Bluebird.
  15. ((((DragonTears)))), I know these virtual hugs don't really cut it, but it's the best I can do. I'm so sorry for the losses you have suffered over the years - both of those you hold close to your heart and the loss of self and opportunity that comes from years, even decades, of caregiving. That fairytale life you write about so beautifully is also elusive. Elusive enough for me to completely agree with you - even for those who appear to have it, "who knows what hell is behind their veil"? I wish you courage and strength as you find your way through these losses, Take care, Bluebird
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