Stargazer74

That is such a beautiful letter, Maureen. Thank you for sharing it with us.

As hard as it is for you guys, I find that many of you have very sweet words to remember as your love's last. Myself, I simply cannot remember the very last words. It may have been "I love you", or it could have been "I need to pee." The last interaction I had with Jamie was after we had laid in bed together and held each other for a while. She got up to use the bathroom, and I decided to get up for the day, since it was already late morning. She was having trouble urinating due to the kidney infection and sat there for a while, got up brushed her teeth and then went back to try to urinate again. I walked back into the bedroom shortly thereafter and she had laid down and was already asleep. I walked past her a few more times over the next hour, never noticing any problems, and I remember hearing her stirring in the bed. I left her for a little more than an hour, and then came back and found her gone. The shock that came with finding her and the subsequent events that followed pretty much obliterated my memories of before I found her. Maybe one day I can go back and try to remember more, or maybe my mind will make up something good. But whatever the case, I am thankful that we did have that one last close time together before I got up.

Thanks you guys. I appreciate the hugs and the validation. It is so very hard to see him make a mess of his life, but its been going on for two years now. The weird and sad thing is that at times, he seems very down on himself for getting into these situations, but he can't seem to see past the end of his nose to make sure they don't happen. He's always had problems, been diagnosed ADHD as a kid, has seen numerous counselors for depression and anger issues, even had two serious suicide attempts a couple of years ago. They diagnosed him as Bipolar type II then, but went off the meds within a few months and doesn't see the need for them now, so he won't take anything. I have done everything I could to try to help him, advise him, teach him, but he doesn't listen to anyone. When he left my house at 18, my family all blamed me and Jamie for his problems, but it was because they didn't know him like we did. He can be a very sweet and helpful kid when he wants to be, and that's what everyone saw. Well, after 2 years of him treating them the same as he did us, now they see what we went through and that we did do everything we could. But even that isn't much consolation, because I just wish he would get his crap together. But he's pretty much out of options now, so its sink or swim time.

So, this morning my 20 year old totaled my wife's vehicle. I took him in 3 1/2 weeks ago because his truck was broke down and he had no place to go. He's been the problem child for a long time, and he and Jamie (his step-mom) never got along very well once he got into the rebellious stage. He had just started a job and the deal was he could stay with me if he would concentrate on keeping the job and take care of the vehicle, and to stay out of any trouble. He's had a long list of speeding and seatbelt tickets, except for one DUI when he was caught with beer in his truck (not to mention the passed out girl he had with him). But they ticketed him and let him drive home, because he wasn't drunk, just MIP. Today he was speeding down a back road and didn't make a corner and ran over a mailbox and slid halfway through someone's yard. Up until this point, he had been doing pretty well, I thought. No trouble, and he was paying off the recent tickets and had a plan on how to get his truck fixed and start paying back his family a bunch of money they had loaned him. But now, with no way to get to work from my house, (I live 17 miles out of town) there's no way for him to stay here. So there's an old motel about 2 1/2 miles from his workplace that they have converted into some small apartments and they have kitchenettes and stuff for about $120 a week with utilities paid. So now the plan is get him into there and I'm going to give him a bicycle to ride to work. He'll be able to make the rent on his own, and still have enough money to get by. I'm disappointed that when I thought he had hit rock bottom, with no place to go and actually called me for help, I figured that he would try to become more responsible. He expressed some remorse, but not much. The vehicle was an old one, and I wasn't planning on keeping it long term, but because it was Jamie's, it has so much sentimental value. It had full coverage, so I'll get some cash for it, but I just wish I could have dealt with it in my own time. It doesn't make any sense to me to replace the vehicle and let him drive it again. He's proven over and over that he doesn't respect his own belongings, much less anyone else's. I think I am doing the right thing, besides, he doesn't need to be driving because its only a matter of time before he hurts himself or someone else. I wish he only realized how bad things are for me without having to deal with his behavior.

Regular brewed, but sweet too! (I'm southern) ...and keeping with the drink theme... Freshly brewed coffee (real stuff) or Keurig style

LisaPop, you're spot on. I read this thread earlier and got a little nervous because I thought you were telling everyone to leave the newbies to themselves. As a newbie myself, I definitely appreciate the comments and interactions of those who are further out. In fact, I think that interaction is vital to feeling welcomed and accepted here. But also, you guys are proof that surviving this is possible, and sometimes that little bit of hope can mean a world of difference. Thanks for clearing it up, and thanks for all that you guys do.

Hey guys, when logging in, erase the numbers and leave it blank then check-mark "always stay logged in" and it hasn't been timing me out. Then you can log out if you want when you're signing off, but I just stay logged in. No one else gets on my computer and I have a password for that anyway.

Michael, my thoughts are with you today on this sadiversary. Man, you have my permission to deck anyone who dares to trivialize your loss. Love is love, no matter if you had a piece of paper or not. You may not have many folks IRL who get it, but you know we do. I never ever saw your threads as a pathetic attempt at getting attention, btw. Some of us just use humor as a defense mechanism, and can crack a joke even in the worst of circumstances, even though you are dying inside. The real draw to your posts to me was that I saw through that humor and saw the real, raw pain, and that was honest. I hope that you are moving into a better place, I think that is the goal here, but I don't think you become obsolete. Maybe a little more seasoned, maybe a little bit more able to cope, but certainly never useless. I hope the best for you, as everyone here does. And, thank you, for opening your broken heart up to us, for it has given many of us a place to be able to smile through the tears.

I enjoy those kinds of fiction myself; Divergent series, LOTR, GoT, pretty much anything Steven King. Yes, it does take you out of yourself, and I think that's what the author's goal is. It usually is a good thing for me to be able to get my mind off of everything for a while and escape for a bit.

Minty fresh. Although if I chew too much gum my jaw starts seizing up. Stuck in traffic or Haven't met another car in 30 minutes.

That's the tat I got soon after Jamie and I started seeing each other and I had fallen deeply in love with her. She was my North Star, and my email address was Stargazer74. I wrote tons and tons of love letters to her from there, none of which survive now, (thanks yahoo). Its also because I actually do love to go out on clear nights and star watch, especially during meteor showers. We would go out together and lay for hours in the back yard, talk and dream. I have wonderful memories of us together, counting falling stars and naming constellations.

https://korycapps.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/cs-lewis-a-grief-observed.pdf This is the book that C.S. Lewis wrote after the death of his wife from cancer. He puts into words what many of us feel as newly widowed, and I thought that i would be good to share with everyone.

I'm at 3 1/2 months now myself. The loneliness hit me very hard for the first 6 weeks. The silence was deafening and maddening too. My mother was nice enough to stay with me for the first 2 weeks, and while we have never been extremely close, it was a life saver, and we actually had some talks that were very deep and profound during that time. Jamie has 2 daughters that had moved to be with their dad a couple of years prior, mainly due to her declining health, and my son had left a couple of years before after he graduated HS, and my 13 year old daughter has always lived with her mom, so even though we were use to having a house full of kids on the weekends, it was just Jamie and I most of the time. I am glad that we had those years alone, because it drew us so close together, but with her gone, it meant now I was totally alone. Circumstances have brought my son back to live with me now, although that will be only temporary. I joined a Grief Share group, but because of my work schedule I can only attend every other week. I've only been twice though because of one reason or another. Wandasmom, you are so right, nothing can fill the void. I found myself feeling the same, having no one to talk to. The board here has been a blessing. Reading about how other people struggle with the same feelings helps me to understand that what I am going through is normal. We all get it here, and that is what has given me some comfort. There are opportunities to reach out as well, and try to comfort someone else with that pain helps too, and you can make new friends here as well. People still ask me how I'm doing. Of course I say "fine." But, nothing can make it "fine." Nothing can make it "good." I shoot for "making it" for now, and while I hope for better in the future, I'm okay with that for now. I have come to terms with Jamie's death, and although there are plenty of things I still don't understand about it, I have come to realize that I probably won't ever have those answers. I still morn that Jamie will never get to see our girls get married, or even go on a first date. She was a wonderful wife and mother. I miss her touch and listening to her talk the most though. She was my best friend, and her absence has changed the entire world, to me, and I know I will carry that for the rest of my life.

(((Baylee))) So sorry Baylee. Compassion does not come naturally for some people, and Mr Ken Doll obviously needs a lesson in that.

Hmm, I think Micheal described me pretty well, without the itch, of course. Hope you get to feeling better soon LC, plenty of clear liquids and rest.