piecesofapart

It's been a long journey- 6 years just passed this week. Glad the anguish is behind me... the crying on the way to and from work...just laying in bed staring at the wall. But now it's taken on a new feeling. I don't feel married anymore- that feeling just started a few weeks ago.- But I guess after 2,194 days of not being with someone it was bound to come to this.Marriage with him of 17 years seems so far away. Maybe I've arrived at the new me? How long did it take you to NOT feel married anymore?

Wonderful News!

Beautiful writing from the depths of your soul--have touched mine. Wishing you peace...

I get it..for some reason..this year (4th) was really hard. I'm glad the tough part of the year is over until the summer (our wedding anniv.)

I feared that too- so I came up with this response. It's complicated and hard to talk about his death- I'd rather tell you about his life. He was a great guy with an amazing mechanical ability- and the best husband where it mattered most. I was blessed to be his wife for 17 years. Then I change the subject... I've only had two people ask..they were people who knew I was married. The hair dresser asked me- it was early on..and I did not want to break down in the hair salon- so I just said- you know I kinda just want to get my hair done and go back home. She was so embarrassed- she gave me 50% off. Now if it's new people asking where it does not matter like polite chit chat with a one time encounter I just say- I'm not married. If it's someone I want to be friends with and feel comfortable around- I tell them- He suffered a lot- over the years- the last two years he did everything the doctors suggested- but still got sicker and sicker...sometimes mental illness is fatal. Hugs...

I see many have viewed your post...wish I had some recommendations..hopefully a mental health facility will be more helpful. Wishing them all the best.

Definitely NO~ like I said it creeps me out!

Thanks everyone...now he just texted me saying He'd like my mailing address so he can mail me a Valentine Card...ugh!!!!!

I lost my husband about 4 years ago- and my BIL lost my sister about 2 years ago. I've been trying to be supportive and we text about twice a month..just say HI- and see how each other is doing- plus we see each other though the year at family events. He is a nice guy and has always been a great BIL. He told my quite early on after he lost my sister that he though it would make sense if we started dating. I told him then... in a nice way- that will never happen...but I wanted to be supportive of him as I kinda knew what he must be going thru- plus I felt like I was looking out for him on my sister's behalf. This past summer we went to have lunch and to see a movie...I made it clear..just as friends to support one widow to another widower- I knew he was lonely and did not get out much- so I though it would do him good. He again asked me if I would consider dating him- and I said no- you are like a brother to me- I've known you since I was a teen- we are both now in our 50's. I told him you are a great guy, but it would just be too creepy- and I could not ever see myself doing that. He said he understood and dropped it. But I still felt a little uncomfortable around him. Now about 8 months later- he texted me asking me again if I'd consider being his "girlfriend". I am getting creeped out again. I did not text back- and his last text said...I guess the answer is No? I know hes lonely and drinks way more than he should...seems like he's going thru a down time again- which I understand. I am wondering if I should mention to my niece? (we are pretty close...I was really close to my sister too.) She did know that we did go out and I made it clear to her and the rest of my family- it was just to support him- nothing romantic. Everyone said- Yeah - that would be a little weird. I said- don't worry It's not ever going to happen. About a year ago- His kids signed him up for a dating site- he mentioned it to me- but said he did not respond to anyone- I encouraged him to give it a try if he was ready. (He asked me if I'd consider a dating site- and I told him I was not ready- I still felt like I had to work on myself yet- and that's a whole other long story...) Any advise on how to handle this situation- and not make it weird- we are a pretty large close family- as I said above I am really close to his children-(they are older- late 20's) and we have several family gatherings throughout the year..but now I feel like I want to just avoid him.

Beautifully said. Death brings wisdom to the living....

So sorry for you loss. Your grief is still raw- when I was at that point- I reached out to a few widow groups. Found one thru a church-was hesitant about going-I don't attend church- but it was free and I was desperate to find somewhere to go. The widows were 20+ or more years older than me...but loss of a spouse connected us. I called several other churches- and none had groups- but one of the pastors knew of a new widow (in my age range) and we connected by having coffee or lunch- it was just nice to talk with someone who got it- she lost her husband a year before I did- so she was a great resource on letting me know what I too might feel later on- and how she was able to get on.) Also found a group (free) thru a hospital (they even had free sessions with grief counselors. Funeral homes sometimes also list places. Also found a widow group thru MeetUP. It was mainly social outings- dinners- concerts-card game afternoons but once a month they did have a meeting where talking about your grief was the main focus. I made friends with two other widows who lived nearby- which was really helpful- just to have someone to take a walk with- have a meal or see a movie and talk openly. They were both on the same timeline of loss I was - so it was helpful to connect with someone and know I was not alone or going crazy. Sadly now after 4 years- those connections have ended- by them ending the group meetings or even sadly the one grief counselor died. My two widow friends moved away- and the one widow I found thru calling the church re-married. So currently I have no connections with any widows...and I miss being able to just talk openly with someone who "gets it." I've tried some other Facebook Widow groups- but have yet to find one where it does not depress me. Honestly this group here is so amazing with some many wonderful people. I don't think I would have gotton this far without all the support here. After 4 years, I now know I have to find the new me. I've joined some groups- a book club, a hiking and yoga group. (found thru MeetUp). I've picked up coloring-as a hobby- it helps keep me calm. There are many groups on Facebook for coloring and sometimes they have monthly coloring challenges- so that helps me keep busy with a project...and have made some On-line friends because of it. Also found an affordable place for massages. I write in a journal...mostly song lyrics and poems- positive quotes I find on Pinerest...when I have a bad day- I read my journal and it helps. It takes time to hash out a new "normal". It's not living- but at least I'm trying... Wishing you peace...

So sorry for your loss and that the situation just makes your grief all that more complicated. My husband completed suicide- I believe it was his 8th attempt. (no one but his mother knew of most of them.) I struggled with what to say... only my close friends and family know- not all of it -just that is was suicide- because sometimes a mental illness can be fatal. What I now say is- It's complicated- but really why does anyone ever die? Their heart stops beating- because it's God's will/ time to take them back.... When it was less than a year out- I came up with this response. It's hard to talk about death and grief right now- I'm really confused about it..so I'd rather tell you how he lived...he was a genius with all things mechanical and the best husband where it mattered most... I am honored to have him in my life. Wishing you peace...

This week it's been 4 years. Can't believe not ONE family member or friend acknowledged my husband's Sadversary. But should not be shocked- no one did the other years either- unless I posted on Facebook. But after the first year and having a friend- who I thought was a good friend- respond... OH Wow it's already been a year? I didn't want to set myself up again.... (Only my bosses- they were sweet- gave me a nice card of support and some treats)...but then again- it was only because I requested some time off.) It's sad that - that life seems so far away- like it never was- even though it was 20 years together...maybe it's all the changes I've made- got a new car, re-did the house- new furniture for a few rooms we spent most of our time in (it was hard looking at the way it was...and seeing "his spot" his chair" and knowing he was never going to sit there again. So at the time I felt I had to make it mine- so - I did some painting, updating yard with planting trees- so the base is the same..it's just the fluff over it. (actually kicking around the idea of moving..but that's a whole other thing...) I still think of my husband many times each day...photos are still up- I like to look at them each day- and still have the little things that made my husband- my husband in an everyday way..like his keys and sunglasses..jacket in closet..the little things still mean a lot and bring me comfort to see if I feel like opening the drawer or closet. But I started crying on the way to work again. And feeling so blah- at the end of the day-like here I come again to "nothingness"- just no energy or drive at all. I've tried to fill my time-and keep moving- but it's really not living- it's just existing and now this week everything just seems so meaningless- like why bother? I know it's the time of his passing- so this time of year- and this week will most likely always be hard-(I also hate that the season is changing- I hate to see summer end) and the memories of the last week of his life are strong. I've lived thru the 1st-year of the shock-and disbelief...and pure anguish ( boy glad that anguish part is over- but it still hits a little bit here and there- but I guess I have gotton used to the punches and they don't hurt so bad -and knock me out anymore- they just sting. Second year- was just starting to feel a bit better- but my sister passed- so another new "fog" began. Third year- I was making an effort to try to find things to make me happy again- and I found some new hobbies to keep me busy. Any insight on the 4th year?

I've always kept his pictures up. It makes me feel like he is still here. I cried while looking at them in the beginning...I have the video of photos on a CD that the funeral home created...can't get thru that without crying...as it's photos from almost every year of his life, plus special occasions. Now almost 4 years. I don't cry looking at the photos I have out anymore- it makes me happy and proud I had such a handsome loving husband...it's comforting and part of what I want to have in my home. However, I went to my nieces wedding about a year ago- and she had a table with all those who crossed over ...sadly the table was full of photos. From those gone many years to those recently. I was sad to see the pictures- but it was nice to see the photos of loved ones looking their best with smiling faces. Near the end unexpectedly there was a photo of my husband (her uncle..last of the family to cross over to that point). I just burst into tears when I saw it- - it hurt so bad that he was not physically there. I was so touched and honored that my niece chose to include him. You just never know when it's going to hit you...no rhythm or reason or exact handbook about how the grief process will unfold. I've learned to make peace with it...it's part of my emotions and being now..I just take it as it comes.