Delayed grieving - is it possible? Shortly after my beloved passed - very, very suddenly and unexpectedly - I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The kids were "older", our daughter was 17 and our son was 14. I remember having to tell them, just 5 months after they lost their Dad, that there was a pretty good chance that I would be gone soon too and that I felt that their Dad was "calling me to him". I knew in my heart at that time that was the absolute truth. I also knew that the only thing my husband and I ever wanted was a family. First, to have our own kids, and then to be grandparents. We were so blessed to have our wonderful kids - we were lucky enough to have a wonderfully average and happy life with them.
It took a bit of time. It took a LOT of soul searching. I realized that I had the chance, however small it may be, to fulfill the dream that my husband and I had of being parents throughout - and then grandparents. It was such a small chance, but I had to try.
I went and had several long talks with my oncology team the next day. We worked out a plan and I began to fight.
I was lucky enough to win I'm 5+ years clear - so far. The type of cancer that I had was not rare, but the way it manifested was extremely unusual. I have a 67% chance of it coming back and no one, ever, has survived it the second time.
So, every day for the last 5+ years, I wake up thinking that this "could be the day - the beginning of the end".
And it's made me a bit crazy.
I feel like my grieving was put on hold.
I went a little crazy.
Jumped into a relationship.
But I was at the end of treatment and honestly, I really don't remember much. My kids liked him and that kind of cinched it for me.
I started taking Wellbutrin and that seemed to really help me.
The relationship became serious.
We are still together, but things have changed soooooo much.
I'm really really not happy in this relationship anymore.
But it's more than that - I honestly feel like I'm just swimming up from out of this fog and I've started - I don't know - a delayed grieving process?
I mean, is that even possible?
Fuck!
I have been hanging on by the skin of my teeth for these years, saying in my head "Breathe - just remember to BREATHE. Ride the wave", because that's what we widows do - we ride the wave of pain and try to convince ourselves to remember to breathe.
And now all of a sudden, I'm back where I started.
Crying all the time. Suddenly remembering things that I've not thought of in 5+ years. Sudden searing pain. Blindsided.
I remember this - I remember from the short time I had before being diagnosed.
And now it's starting again and I think maybe I'm going crazy.
And it's put this relationship I have now in jeopardy.
I'm so sad.
I feel like I'm coming out of a fog.
