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  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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  1. Hey there Abitlost - you all are practicing physical distancing: social distancing would mean a lack of communication ... Sorry, the incorrect term use has become a pet peeve quickly for me as an educator Glad the two of you are talking and staying close that way!!
  2. Hey there, trying2: so interesting, how different upbringings are. I didn't come from parents who hovered (my mom hovers more now than I've ever experienced) and I didn't either. Of course, I think about my son ... all the time ... but I can't make him want to be part of my life. I wouldn't want to make him. I haven't experienced much of a difference, except more work since students are home and actually working on their dissertations. I am an excellent hermit, so the idea of being in suits me just fine. I wish a few of them would find a momentary outlet though so I could slow down just a pinch As far as BF is concerned, he is who he is -- with all his amazing and challenging tendencies! I can't make him be different either. Can I try to point out areas that might benefit from change, but those changes are based on my view of the world. Would our space be better if he stopped putting his coffee spoon on the side of the sink instead of in it? Sure -- as far as I'm concerned. But in the big scheme of things, it's not going to stop the universe from moving. But that's just me.
  3. Hey there, sudnly -- there's something about our kids ... I mean that collectively. I think about and pray about BF's daughters quite often; they had no problem turning their back on him. My son turned 25 a couple days ago and it's pretty much the same. People often say to me that I did the best I could, but I struggle to accept that. Please feel free to rant away here -- sometimes responding to them with silence speaks greater volumes, but you need someplace to let it out. We are doing okay here as well. I work from home, so the idea of physical distancing is no big deal BF has some business coming in still, even though he needs to be in his customers' spaces to do the jobs. He had a bid for an organizational contract that got delayed because of all this covid-19, but I pray that he wins it. It would be a boost for him. It's been raining for quite a few days in a row ... it's also been cool; my heater hasn't stopped running yet! When I moved to Southern California, it was in the 80s or so around the time of the superbowl. This isn't what I signed up for!!! LOL!!! I do miss the rain from living back east, but it's been getting me down lately. I've thought about looking for a virtual counselor since I don't really want to go to an office. I haven't put much into it ... I'd really like to find someone I could use a messaging service for rather than actually talking. With BF here, there isn't much privacy and I need to be online to work, so there's that. I don't know. I'm not even sure what I would talk about! Just random thoughts this early Monday morning ... Be well, friend and take care! I pray the doctors come to their senses and get you the meds you need, asap!
  4. Oh trying2 ... I suppose we all have our ways of escaping but yes. How does one assume it's okay to go to someone's gathering under the influence of anything -- weed, pills, alcohol? If the thing is he doesn't realize he's not in control, that's a whole different conversation that you may not want to have. However, it's only fair to let him know that you had a problem with his behaviors. Maybe his daughter noticed as well and was embarrassed but didn't want to call her dad out. If he's nervous around your people, he should be adult enough to admit it. Then there's the opportunity for open communication. Not that it's even remotely the same thing, but I remember a couple times that I cooked something that BF didn't like. He was vaguely complimentary as he ate it but didn't go back for more (he's usually a multi-helping, eat leftovers sort of person). I can't remember what I said later, but it may not have even been related to that specific meal. I think I asked him how he liked something cooked. He was almost sheepish and told me the thing he didn't like much (which was connected to whatever it was I had cooked). I may have shared this story here some time ago, but he said he was grateful to have someone cook and basically didn't want to screw it up by saying he didn't like it. I reminded him of where I'm from, that my life is one of truth over hurt feelings about things like that ... if you don't tell me what you like or don't, I won't know. No harm no foul -- if I make something and you don't like it, say so or I'm likely to make it again. I've even punctuated the point when he's been slow to eat things or chooses something else. Either I toss what's left (if it's a wee bit), freeze it, or eat it myself and let him cook for himself. I share that to say if your BF had said he was uncomfortable, you all could have talked it out. Maybe made the decision for him not to go. Something. But to try and 'get rid' of the discomfort in some way is no bueno. I do hope you have an opportunity to talk with him. Or even better that he speaks up first. Praying that in this down-time you can think of potential ways to share how you feel and also prepare some replies should he speak up. May your decision and process be guided by wisdom, always! {{{hugs}}}
  5. Hey there, trying2! Hoping you are doing well. Funny you mention shelter in place ... since I work from a home office and BF has his own business, things are pretty much the same here as they always have been He has had more business calls but they've dried up a bit since all the health issues. He had a call on Saturday and it went well but nothing scheduled right now. We'll see. Things press on for me. I work, I write, I make my calls to family, I get calls from family ... what can we do, right? I nudge BF to do a few things around the house that I suspect he's stopped doing over the years because of his own family of origin issues. However, as much as I can sympathize, this is the now: I refuse to do everything while holding down a full-time job, even though it is remote work. Interestingly, he said that his ex was allegedly working from home but work was not particularly evident. He certainly can't say that about me, with all the video conferencing he sees me doing every day. He probably knows a few of my spiels to faculty by heart, since I pretty much say the same thing to every person I supervise LOL! I'd be sad if we didn't continue and grow together, but like being widowed twice, the world doesn't stop and wouldn't if we were to part ways. I don't foresee that at the moment, but in my heart and soul know I could deal if it did.
  6. Hey Jules! I was just thinking about everyone here yesterday ... your post resonates with me so much. BF isn't the dreamer in this duo though; that's me lol. I think it's because BF hasn't ever had anyone who let him or encouraged him to dream. I do it all the time, talking about having a big property and a fabulous kitchen, doing what we want. Right now, BF is doing more to build his business as he has had a few jobs of late, which is great. I'm looking at other work possibilities. I'm not desperate for a new gig, but I feel ready for the change. If it comes, it does and if it doesn't, I like what I do so I'm good with that too. I've been thinking about starting some sort of counseling, just to have that 'disinterested third party' to hear all the things rolling around in my head. I want a virtual option as I don't want to drive to a center or anything. I've been doing more for my health, having found a good doctor (my last one stopped taking my insurance). I've done everything she's asked me to -- bloodwork, mammo, colonoscopy test. I've even gone to the dentist and had a broken tooth removed and the temporary bridge put in, all this in the last month. I'm thinking of getting a passport again; I put in to do a poster presentation at a conference in South Africa and wow, wouldn't that be something to actually go and present it instead of just submitting ... I have more work-related out of town trips this year and will go to visit my mom later this month and am planning for a second visit later in the year. We are comfortable and we'll be what we'll be. And that's okay. Hoping everyone else is doing well!
  7. Hi, trying2! I'm laughing because you can tell I have no clue about gift-giving!!! Yes, our lunch on Saturday was great. When I came out of the bedroom that morning, BF was like 'where are you going, all dressed up' (I wasn't really dressed up but since I try to stay in my jammies on Saturdays, it was different). He wanted to know where we went and what we had. I'm thinking about going back to the same place on Saturday coming maybe for a Valentine's lunch. I haven't decided yet I don't expect to do anything on my birthday since it's a weekday, but that's okay. I am doing more, health-wise ... as it's a new decade, I realize I need to attend to those things. I have a new medical doctor and have been very intentional about keeping my appointments; the new doctor set me up for bloodwork and so on. I am also looking to change my life insurance provider and need to do a medical check for that, which I've scheduled. I've even gotten in with a new dentist. I'm looking also to maybe take that pottery class I've been thinking about, but with the other things I've taken on it might not be possible yet. BF has been pretty open these last few days. He tends to keep his feelings in but he has shared a little more here and there. My son sent us a Valentine's Day card and then called. While I was on the phone with him, BF asked me if that was him. When I said yes, he sent a 'hello' back and also read the card. I know it's hard because his daughters are not in his life. My son isn't really in mine much either but we at least keep in 'distance' touch
  8. trying2 -- if you have a little extra $$, maybe a massage, just for him. Particularly if he's on the stressed side. Or if he's game, a couple's massage? Is he a tinkerer? Maybe something to put together ... I was just texting my friend and it looks like we're going out on Saturday for a combo birthday lunch. She has to work later but we'll have a couple hours to chat and chew. BF will likely forage for leftovers lol. Depending on how it all looks, I might grab takeout for dinner from the same place. We'll see! I'm still debating on the V-day go-out for he and I. I've never been one to do a lot of going out but since I work from home, I can easily turn feral ... forgetting what it's like to be around other humans (extra-easy when there's two large dogs and a Maine Coon cat who thinks he's more dog than the dogs around all the time). He's such a home-body as well, BF. I at least travel for work about once every month or 1.5 months so I get immersed in people, but he can stay in and to himself better than I can, and that's saying something! Anyway, let us know what you decide on for your guy, trying2 and how he likes it!
  9. Hey there, trying2 -- so glad to hear from you and that you all are doing okay in the midst of everything. It's not easy, for sure. Well, since V-day is two days after my birthday, we're doing something whether he's really feeling it or not 🤣. I just got a couple of new dresses, one of which is all slinky and sexy, but we'd need to maybe go to the comedy club and have a meal or something on say Saturday evening for that. The other dress would be good for brunch on Friday or Sunday even. He hasn't seen either of them and I mentioned doing something about two or three weeks ago, but didn't get a response really. I am looking to go out to lunch with one of my church friends as her birthday is a few days before mine. That first and then I'll figure out what to do with this man 😃 Funny you mention gifts. I had ordered this cool thing for his birthday. Last year. Because it was a prototype and they got delayed, it didn't get delivered until just a few days ago. Sigh. He was happy with it though! Since then, he's been occupied with work-related things that I hope will really inspire him to press forward with the business. I've asked God what I can do and the thing is, I can't be more excited about BF's thing than he is. Maybe he is excited and just low-key about it, cautious not to be too positive, you know? However, if he's not pressing forward hard, I certainly can't. After all, I do have a full-time gig and plenty of other things on my plate for the decade, including my writing. I just got a new software program for scriptwriting and am taking a class on scriptreading. No grass growing under these feet 😉
  10. Welcome to the second month of 2020 (already)! How is everyone doing? trying2, how are you? I just got back from my first work trip of the year; so far, I have three more booked between now and early June. I keep busy and leave the rest to be as it will BF seems amazed at times that I do all the things I do, that I will get on the phone with friends and just laugh until we cry and talk for hours, that I'll watch church service in the bedroom but then go out for tea with my friend from church after, that I'll happily stay in my office and on the computer until after dark, or that I'll stay in bed for 13 hours when given the chance. There are days when it's obvious he's too tightly wound to just let go like that. It's nice that he laughs more; it's been a tough couple years for him but if he sticks around me, we'll have none of that for much longer. I wonder if it boils down to maturity in a way. After a major loss (or several), many of us just press forward. We can't carry the baggage and want to enjoy our time here. Others get very stuck, afraid they'll lose more than before I suppose if they step out of those old spaces. I don't know ... just early morning musings here. Hoping to hear what's going on for each of you in this new decade so far -- and praying you all are well!
  11. trying2 -- I am so sorry to read of your dad's health challenges. Being a caregiver is always hard and when you have to fight for what your loved one needs in a place that should be taking care of them, well that's a whole 'nother level of stressor. I pray your strength and hope you can get the emotional support you need right now! {{{hugs}}}
  12. Thank you for jumping on this thread, CW -- appreciate you more than you know! As we've enter each new year (and go, new decade!), we are encouraged at our church to take stock, to write down what it is we are looking for. I'm reading a book called To Hell with the Hustle and in it, the author distinguishes between goals and formations ... goals are finite, in that they are things we complete and tick off the list; formations are cyclical, in that they are the things we want to incorporate as who we are. He describes how so many people start the year with the 'goal' of running as a 'resolution' but have stopped and likely forgotten about it by February. Instead, a formation would be to say I am a runner; therefore, I will aim to run at least five minutes a day three times a week. If it happens twice, yay! If it happens four times, yay! As long as it's something I do and don't stop doing after a week, month, or year. I share that because your post reminded me of both, the notion of writing down what it is we'd like to see come to fruition this year as well as which things we want to become formations. It sounds like what you want as best for you and your son will be tops on your list of formations! Plus, you and yours are in a position to step back; you've had to care for one another after your being widowed, while your NG and his children still have this person (healthy, toxic, or otherwise) still there. You've had to create a new formation of what 'every day' looks like. While your NG and his children seem to have a different every day all the time because of the ex's antics, you don't. Your new normal, it sounds like, has become a bit of bedrock, while he and his are still on rough seas. How much boat rocking can be part of your and your son's formation? That's what you'll have to truly determine for your own peace. And it's tough. {{{{hugs}}}}
  13. I don't know about it feeding the psyche, Bunny. Having been in an abusive marriage my first go, it's amazing what it does to a person. You do things out of survival instinct, even if you are out of the situation. Maybe this man feels by not going along with this ex he will lose time with his children. I stayed in my first marriage, despite it all, because I was afraid that the first husband would take my son and he and his family would raise him, which would be abusive for him (my son has special needs and his father had no time for that, no interest in working with him -- feeling like it was something he could spank out of him). I am sure there are some people who act that way because they do get something out of it, which would be problematic for sure, but I don't think it's the case for many ... Just my .02.
  14. That is interesting, CW -- LH and his ex rarely attended their daughter's sport events at the same time. They didn't both go to medical appointments or anything like that; ex had primary custody (physical?), so that was her deal. However, LH was there for some of the big things in a girl's life, just because of timing (like her first period ... he laughed when she asked him to go to the store for her; it was a good moment for them to bond as it was. He was an only child and was able to tell her what it was like for him as a boy, having to go occasionally to the store to buy supplies for his mom when she wasn't able to go out). For a long time, LH didn't go because of the drama with the ex. When the ex stopped attending, daughter would ask him to come; when we got together, she would as us to come. That made ex step up a bit, I guess one could say, and she started coming too. LH sat with me and she sat wherever else ... not with us. I would never begrudge them those sorts of experiences because it was about them showing support for their daughter, cheering from the stands. Now, we had an issue when LH's dad died. I think I shared that story -- ex demanded to ride in the family limo. Came and parked at the house and everything to do so. LH and I lived together then. I wasn't about the drama so I left. Drove myself to the church and sat shiva so to speak until service started. LH said he wanted to walk in and sit with me; ex was irritated. LH insisted that I ride to the cemetery with them, so me, him, ex, and daughter rode together. She wasn't happy, but had no choice. As soon as we got back to the church for the repast, I stayed as far away from her as I could. Different people, different ideas of appropriate.
  15. CW -- Happy New Year! So glad to see you I often wonder if it's a case of 'missing what you had now that it's gone' ... I don't understand how a person can be divorced for X amount of time and then when the other person gets into a relationship decides to be all up in it. How can they not see what they are doing is childish?!? Sigh ... I love your point about handling certain things by themselves. I also totally feel what you are saying about handling things yourself; my son was just shy of four years old when his dad died, not that I had much help from him the prior three years (children being 'women's work' and all ... can you see me rolling my eyes from one coast to the other?) and was legally and adult when LH died. Being an only child and on the opposite coast from what family I do have, hell yeah I handled it by myself. Could I have called some of LH's relatives? Sure. LH's ex wanted to be all sort of friendly to me once he was dead, saying 'I love you' when she was in the background and LH's daughter and I were on the phone. I mean, seriously ... to be around 30 and have your mom in the background when you talk to the woman your dad was with/married to for 16 years?! Rant in solidarity with your rant over ... ❤️

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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