Jump to content

arneal

Members

0

Followers

975

Content Count

Country

Genre

Zodiac

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

Enable
  1. MrsDan -- you mention you try to sit down and decide together ... does he outright say he doesn't want to? Maybe you can just ask him if he is still considering marriage and if he says yes, tell him something like 'Oh, because you haven't talked about it or asked me so I thought you changed your mind'. If he says he no, maybe something like, 'Oh, you seemed to want to before. What changed your mind?' It seems like you are at a place where you want to know where he stands. Never too late to ask ...
  2. Thanks so much trying2. I hope it was a good one for him. I haven't talked to him in a while. He tries to be casual by reaching out close to birthday and holidays but it's all about making sure someone sends him something. He doesn't think about anyone else. This year, his house mom and I decided I would lay low. I didn't call and won't send him anything, probably for a couple months. I am interested in touching base with her to see how his day was. His behaviors have been pretty awful so I am not trying to act like I'm rewarding in any way. Sad but true. We all have different dynamics to deal with in family situations. I tried my best not to connect with the first husband's family; he had one cousin who I really liked and who seemed to like me. She died young and I felt like I didn't have anyone in his family. LH's dad was great -- we all lived together for a year or so before he died and LH and I got married. BF's daughter didn't seem to feel any sort of way about me until they had a falling out; then I suspect she saw me as taking his side. She and I never really talked; suspect it was one of those complicated dad/daughter things. tybec -- marathon, yes. It is hard to remember that sometimes. It sounds like you are making your way in style I have sort of found my groove as well. Back to the gym, doing things at church ... it's good in its own way, right? Happy Friday and weekend, all!
  3. Hey there trying2 ... if you don't mind my .02? It seems like it's everyone else that's dictating what is simple and what is not about your and your NGs relationship. Would his daughter live with the two of you if you moved in together? If so, yeah, that could be awkward but if not ... same for his siblings and your parents and (former?) in-laws? I guess it's the 'been by myself' part of me that says always, 'if they aren't paying the bills, their opinion doesn't matter'. Granted, it sounds like from your side the in-laws and your dad are important in your life so it's not that easy. My son seems happy but he doesn't and won't live with me now or in future (today he turns 24, which is a whole 'nother thing). My mom likes the idea that I have someone and that I am not alone. Of my three uncles, only one knows I am with someone and he too is happy. My closest real friends are happy. None of these people live near me and don't in my mind have a say in how I create my spaces. Like you mentioned to MrsDan, what is it that will make you happy? Or at least content
  4. Thank you for sharing, LF. If there was a way to have read this post, back when I was in the throes of the situation, it might have opened my eyes to some things. So much of this resonates now, well after the fact. I often have said I buried the person I was, to keep her safe, during those times. It took a caring and persistent person who could see I was more than the shell I had built for her to come out again.
  5. Happy for both of you, tybec and LF! Oh, the issues with coming out an abusive situation ... that was my first marriage. My poor second husband. He was persistent, which is how we ended up going on a first date in the first place LOL. He was very patient with me and my son, who didn't ever really know his dad; the special needs of my son and the abuse by the husband kept them distant (I was mama bear through it all and did what I could to take the hits so my son wouldn't), but that angry streak is certainly in my son. He acted out in so many ways over the years, but my LH handled it so much better than I. I never discounted my son's dad to him but since he never knew him, he was 'first dad' and my LH was 'second dad'. I got a letter from my son last week (it's getting close to his 24th birthday, so he wants to make sure I notice ... he has no qualms about being obvious if there is a chance he can get something from someone; he wants us all to never forget his birthday or Christmas but he never remembers my birthday or my mom's for example). He likes -- or at least puts on appearances of doing so -- BF. He wrote about him in the letter, make sure you tell him I asked for him and am praying for him' etc. I let BF read it; he chuckled because my son referred to him as Mr. [his first name]. I wasn't one of those parents who thought it okay for a child to call an adult by their first name without some sort of prefix and he hasn't forgotten it My mom is really wanting me to come back east and visit sometime this year. I came up with a plan on how I might slip back for a weekend in a couple months; BF's sister lives not far so I suggested he check to see if she would be available for a quick visit. He liked the idea, even though she isn't very communicative (none of his family are ... I mean, my family is small so I don't think about it, but he has siblings and others who just don't engage). Like you said, tybec, it's all messy. I don't get into it other than to express my lack of understanding because I don't have a larger family, I have no siblings, and what family I do have I've never been close to anyway so I don't feel it like he does. I am hoping we can pull it off as I'd like him to meet my mom. As time goes by, you just never know. Tomorrows are never promised ... It's interesting, now that we've been under the same roof for just over a year. Even though I wander off to other parts of the house to do my thing with work and so on and we aren't under each other's feet all day, he seems to get a bit sad when I take off. For two weekends in a row there have been events at church; last week, one of the ministries I volunteer with celebrated people who completed a six-week employment training; they wanted all the volunteers to stay for three services to congratulate those who could come. I did, so was gone for most of the day. Yesterday, we had a concert in the evening -- I went to late service and stayed to volunteer. When I said I wasn't sure what time I'd be home, he looked all sad. I think I shared that he felt hurt by church folks and his ex was supposedly an evangelist but never acted like she held a solid faith system when they were home, so he's tainted. He has a faith practice but doesn't attend; I am prayerful that he will come to Resurrection Sunday service with me this year. We'll see ...
  6. Works well, this language that you speak of? 🤣 I've just been better at writing things out, working it out in my head. Only child who spent lots of time alone here ... just starting a regular conversation means I've already spent at least a half hour thinking about doing it first 😅
  7. Well-said, tybec. Your comment about Valentine's day cards made me smile as I had the one I wanted for BF ready ahead of time. My presentation of it (and the associated set of candy) was so un-romantic (the card didn't have an envelope -- it wasn't a traditional store-bought card; I put the candy on his armchair table with the card on top before he got up that morning LOL). but he liked it and it's still sitting up, next to his work table. On the 'what do I want' question. I haven't answered that re: the daily business of living because I guess I've always been independent. Life does what it does ... I work or I don't, I take care of the house or I don't. I get up early or I don't, I stay up late or I don't. I decide to do something new or I don't (I signed up for a new gym yesterday and am hoping to take a pottery class this spring; I started serving in new areas at church). The first marriage was so restrictive and LH knew that; we talked a lot while dating because he pursued me but I was so angry. When we got together, I made sure he understood it had nothing to do with him personally but I was finally in a place to look for my own freedom. He was very clear that he wanted nothing less for me, that he wanted me to learn how to have that. He encouraged my independence and I think it made him sad in our later years that I was not doing as much creative stuff as I had been. Nonetheless, he encouraged me to go back to get my doctorate and post-doc, to move our family cross-country and follow my heart. With our almost 16 years together, I gained an appreciation for being a whole person. As far as BF, and to quote the movie 'Oblivion', I believe we make an effective team Honestly, part of what I want is someone willing to do for me what I did for my LH: in the event I got sick, they wouldn't run. They would take care of my dogs. They would enjoy the house -- whatever that looked like (keep it, remodel it, sell it ... just don't let it get taken by the state). They would make sure my wishes were kept. I also want to pay it forward, to give someone else what LH gave me as far as that personal peace. Yeah, sort of esoteric, but that's just how it is ... Mrs. Dan, I don't know about the 'we would already be married' ... people are often more skittish than animals LOL. I was reading something the other day. The writer suggested that some men won't speak on such matters first, even if they have the same feelings, because they are afraid of being emotionally hurt by their partner. If we say where we are, it helps them. I have really been thinking about that and am looking to 'present my case' for BF and I moving forward.
  8. Agreed, SW -- I appreciate the sounding board that we have here. As several of our pack has expressed, when dealing with others who have not been through what we have, it's a learning curve for both. Not to disparage those who have not lost their mates across the Rainbow Bridge, but it's easier to be angry at a former spouse or signif who is now gone through divorce. It's easy to fuss about all the things they did wrong while not taking responsibility for their stuff. When a spouse or signif dies, a person is left with a different set of feelings. There may be anger about the things they did or didn't do; sadness at their simply not being there; stress about how bills will be paid; awe if they left a solid portfolio and took care of major expenses ... or some combination of several of those. To step out of that place and into a new relationship is different than coming to terms with the idea that an ex is now with someone else or is not, or that an ex is a jerk and causing difficulty for any number of reasons. The Come to Jesus conversation is eminent ... as Game of Thrones suggests, winter is here. I'll get to the core of it. Just have to suss out how to do it in a way that is comfortable for me.
  9. Aw, glad to know -- I love yours as well; there are minimal words to capture the greatness of Corrie Ten Boom! Hm. That is a wonderful question ... one that I must ponder a bit. I think it was the great philosopher, Bugs Bunny, who once said 'It's the anticipation that gets me'. I am one who would prefer to be given the answer without having to ask the question. Perhaps it is an only child thing, or an INFJ thing, I don't know. Working on it. Appreciate the question though, truly!
  10. Thank you, LF -- the article you shared needs to also have a discussion of being chicken 😵😑😅 He knows I have been mentally wrestling with something. And the time change to spring is always tough for me anyway, so the timing here is just ducky. Sigh ...
  11. Was just over on the Online Dating thread -- not sure if you all saw the article LeadFeather shared about recoupling? It made me reflect more on the things I've been reflecting on anyway 😅 I think the thing that is missing for me in the steps the author described is the skittishness; knowing when to say 'Hey -- let's make this permanent' and not stress about doing so. That's where I am now ... BF and I met in 2016, not long after LH died. We now live together (it's already been just over a year) and I am thinking about the long-term; I'd love to put him in my will, hitch up so he doesn't have to pay for health insurance (he's finalizing the paperwork to incorporate his business), but he went through a very ugly divorce and I don't think marriage is something he's interested in on the surface. Honestly, I have no 'need' to remarry, but from a practical standpoint, it makes sense to me. I had a boss a thousand years ago; the wife taught at university and he ran a non-profit. She covered their health insurance and such, while his organization provided a way for some who otherwise probably wouldn't have finished their primary education. BF isn't going to save the world with his business, but I know he could do a lot of good. He has an idea for a fabulous non-profit too that I would get behind and not having to worry about things like being taxed because you don't have the proper health coverage isn't something anyone should have to worry about. Plus, not paying a ton for that would mean he could put more into the house, the business, and philanthropy. Anyway, that's it for today's ramblings ... I am praying for a sign to either spit it all out, that something will spark him to say it, or that it will become rock-hard obvious that I should keep my mouth shut.
  12. arneal

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Love2!!! Oh my goodness -- I am so sorry to read of your loss. No words other than {{{hugs}}} and know that I am lifting you to the light in prayer. Yes, LF's article share is a good one.
  13. arneal

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Are you worried that your youngest will get attached? Is that a bad thing? If you don't want to recouple, it would be good to let him know. Or, if you need time, let him know that too. It's easy for some people to gain feelings but if one major component is off, that's trouble for all.
  14. arneal

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Be gentle with yourself, Virgo ... it can be tough to enter into a familiar situation when dealing with all sorts of emotions but sounds like you are going in with your eyes open, which is good.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

Enable
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.