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arneal

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  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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  1. Wow. Not 'she went over to cook dinner at his house so they could spend some time together' -- everyone has to eat, right? But cut his grass? No way. When BF was moving, he was still working for someone else. He gave me a key to the apartment; I had a much more flexible schedule so I went over a couple times and did some packing and cleaning before he got there after work. He would bring takeout, we would work into the evening, and would talk through the day. I think that's the closest I got to 'cutting his grass' ... but most of that time was mine. Since I had a key, I came and went as I pleased, did as much or as little as I felt, or didn't go at all.
  2. How timely -- Just got an email for this TED talk about healthy and unhealthy love ...
  3. Thanks, sudnly And yes, Bunny -- like I shared about my mom and her companion; they are very happy in their own spaces, spending time together and going to their own when they annoy each other LOL. It's more than booty call as well. There is commitment and certainly a ton of compromise!
  4. Happy Monday all: I wonder if some of this goes back to communication. I mean, might our signif's struggle to say what's on their heart too? It's got to be hard to be on the 'receiving end' of a widow or widower. Not knowing what to say sometimes, not realizing perhaps that the thing they take for granted is something that we struggle with ... Not that it's anything as big as spending time or marriage, but BF and I once had a conversation about something I'd cooked that he didn't like. He made this sort of suggestion about it and I said straight out for him to tell me if he didn't like it and I wouldn't make it again. No muss, no fuss for me -- I just need to know. He replied that he was so thankful to have someone cook for him that he didn't want to mess it up 😂 Bottom line, how can we be clear, how can we invite our signif to be clear, and get to a place where it works? Nothing in life is perfect. No one should expect to get everything they want. Relationship must involve a meeting of the hearts and minds. Call it compromise but in the end, it's agreeing to what is optimal for all, especially where children are involved. On the family issue. I think about LH. He had a big ol' family. Our agreeing what was optimal was that we'd host the family get-together at our house because we had the biggest yard at the time in a centrally located spot. The house was teeny and I was about to loose all my cookies around all those people, many of whom had never met me. Some of them lived nearby so we did see them much more than I ever saw my family. To top it off, LH had to work that night, which meant I got 'stuck' there with everybody! His aunties and cousins helped me clean up and many people were still there when he got home around 12:30am. He was overjoyed while I was wiped out. But it was okay. I got used to being around them -- and dealing with the ones I didn't like so much and who didn't like me. My son had a family where he likely wouldn't have otherwise. If we'd had a chance to live on one of their properties, had they had it like that, I likely would have agreed to make LH happy. So my son would have had some land to roam on and 'cousins' to learn from. Would I have grown to love it? Nope. I'm an only child and appreciate not being around a lot of family. Reunions freak me out because it's too many people LOL. But the benefits for my son and husband would have outweighed my discomfort, particularly if it was the deciding factor in us being able to be together. However, I always had boundaries with his family, which is why some of them didn't deal with me, even when we were right there together.
  5. Interesting, Julester (and all) how different places can be. LH and I lived together, despite his having a custody agreement about his daughter. It mattered not. That was in NJ, quite a few years back now. Maybe things are different. I never thought about it, having been widowed from my son's dad before LH and I got together. The things you don't know until dealing with them, right?
  6. Amen, Sugarbell. My mom, who has been widowed for 25 years this coming December, has her own home. Her 'companion' (what do you call a partner who is about to be 76? Boyfriend seems weird if the people are over 30 to me ... but I digress) has his own home. Mom got wind of someone in his family making a comment once about her being interested in him for his money and that did it for her. She will never move in on a full-time basis, as in give up her house. When they get cranky at each other, they go to their own houses. He lived with his previous partner for about 25 years and then she took ill and died. He I think was married once to his children's mother. They do what they do as retired folks with health issues. They care deeply for one another and are a dedicated couple. As you've said, going with the flow.
  7. Wow. So sorry you all are going through this. I can't relate -- not because of the 'wanting a full-time situation' thing but the vacation thing. What is that? 😅 I haven't had a vacation in more years than I can count. When my full time work ended in 2013, it was about scraping by. The time share went bust because I couldn't pay it and LH didn't work; his disability only went so far without a full time salary alongside it. Then as a caregiver, I couldn't go anywhere. We couldn't go anywhere. I am grateful to have full time work again, but after having both cars break down and general bills to catch up after LH died, the idea of vacation is a dream. BF and I will have known each other for four years (!) as of Memorial Day weekend. We will have been living under the same roof for about a year and a half (!). He is getting his business off the ground (got his actual state license number a couple days ago). I took a sick day yesterday to get a lump on my arm checked; as I suspected, it is a subcutaneous cyst. I spent the day in my pajamas, filling out the information in the 'So I'm Dead, Now What?' book I got and looking through the living trust and will information package I bought as I considered who I would get to be my witnesses as I signed it all. I listened to BF talk about his meeting with the accountant for his business and about the issues he found with his work truck that he bought. It's life. I leave in a few weeks to work on campus for a week and then will fly east to see my mom for a couple days. I will ask BF since with all the back and forth that has happened with the business stuff, we didn't talk anymore about him going. I guess for me, every day is technically a vacation. While we are both sad about our children (I didn't even get a call from my son on Mother's Day, but BF took me to this Italian place I found near my gym and his granddaughter's birthday was earlier this month and it hit him pretty hard not to be connected to her after the mess with his youngest daughter last year), our only responsibilities are to the four-legged ones in the house. We both work from home so are around each other all day, every day. I am not complaining by any means and sure, there are things I would like to see different. But in the big scheme, I'm okay with this little corner of the world and not leaving it to do much more than the gym, church, and the market ... I've officially become 'that old lady' 🤣
  8. arneal

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    Sounds fabulous, L2F! Good for you -- nothing wrong with making a friend along the way (the name of this thread -- the alternatives are often laughable ... not while occurring mind you, but later LOL). My BF is the closest to my age I've ever had a serious relationship with. He is five years my senior, met via online dating app. LH was 15 years older, first husband was 12 years older. I outlived both. I hear you, particularly about the caregiver experience; my LH was wonderful and people thought we were just the best together, but after being his caregiver, I certainly am not looking forward to that experience again any time soon
  9. Good point, Bunny -- sometimes it's sleep apnea so the person needs a C-Pap machine. My mom's companion has one (she calls it his Darth Vader mask. She's so bad). I have seen devices that are not as cumbersome and are easier to wear and clean than the traditional C-pap, which can be an annoyance in itself.
  10. Follow up ... so Amazon Prime, right? I found 'So I'm Dead - Now What?', which is a last wishes journal. The cover is just my tone, and it's blue in color, which is my fav. Inside are all the very important things like what to pay, close, and cancel; bank accounts and other bills; subscriptions; passwords; social media and emails; and more. With Prime it's one day delivery so tomorrow it will be here.
  11. Hey trying2! My mom sent a little something in the mail so I decided we are going to this Italian place on Mother's Day. BF's mom is deceased and so he doesn't really say much on that day. However, I appreciate an opportunity to celebrate. I imagine my son might call, but am not holding my breath for it; he's still waiting on a birthday gift (his behavior was horrible so I told his care mom I'd get him something but will wait until it doesn't seem like a reward for poor behaviors) so if he doesn't get when he thinks he should, no one else gets either ... sigh. Life with a special needs young adult. Ah, snoring. LH had that issue later on in his illness. I can sleep with noise so it wasn't a show stopper, but one thing the doctors said was for him to prop up. Cheap solution is a wedge, more expensive solution is an adjustable bed ... so sorry you are dealing with that. Another thing is if your guy isn't getting enough rest generally, he might be falling out and sleeping hard. Maybe see if it's different if he takes a nap early in the day? Finally got my living trust and will stuff together. It's been bothering me that I haven't done it so today was the day for me. I haven't told BF that he's it, that besides the stuff that will go to my son and to the church, he'll get the joy of dealing with my stuff should my time come before his. He knows he's my emergency contact and I'm his, so he may have assumed. I'll say something at some point. I saw this notebook in the drugstore a few months back, of all places ... it was a book for putting down all the important stuff, like where's the key to the safe deposit box, what's the password to the phone and computer, what's the account number for the gas company. I plan to get one of those too because I have so many passwords to so many things, it would take a CSI team to get into it all without help. Sobering, but necessary ...
  12. Happy Friday all. Hoping you are doing well? So a funny thing happened the other day (yes, as my play little brother says, a junior high moment). BF was talking about calling his sister. I know they hadn't talked in a while; I waited a day or so and asked if he'd called her and he said he was going to do so that afternoon. The day went by, him doing his things and me doing mine. He wandered through to the family room later and said 'my sister said hi'. He couldn't see me grinning ... he's never acted like he's mentioned me to her before. It made my afternoon
  13. Captains wife -- I was nodding so hard at your post!!! I take that idea with all things, that if I don't have the info I need, I make decisions and keep on pushing. It is now May and I planned to go visit my mom in June as part of my next on-ground teaching assignment. The university handles my travel and so instead of having them book me a flight back here, I had them book the return to go east instead. I told BF back in February or so and asked him if he'd like to come. He could visit with his sister, who he hasn't seen in ages. He sort of mentioned it once when he talked about how his sister hadn't been very communicative of late on social media. I took that as a 'no'. I told him when the university was able to change my flight plans and he said nothing. I showed him the under-seat roller bag I bought for my computer and all that when it arrived to show I'm planning for those airport layovers. I'll bring it up once more to be sure but have already booked my flight home as well as my rental car for while I am there. Sad if he won't come but also sort of glad to not have to worry about the house or the animals 🤣
  14. Hi again, tybec and all! I wanted to share this app in case you've never heard of it. Feel free to pass along info to those who might benefit ... WeParent (currently live on iOS and launching soon on Android) helps reduce stress and conflict in divorced parents' relationships. It lets them manage custody schedules and calendars, exchange messages, and share important information with each other in one convenient app. The app is free to download and free to try for 30 days, and after that it's just $9.99 per year for unlimited adults in both families.
  15. tybec -- that is so fabulous. Good for you, girl!

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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