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  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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  1. Hi, trying2: Your description of moving forward after sudden loss is so spot-on. As we've shared in the various posts here, having someone die is so very different than divorce because there can be no attempt to get at truths or mysteries. We can't stiff upper lip a conversation with a deceased partner like they can with an ex they divorced and no longer like. If we have unresolved issues, we've got to work them out in therapy, through prayer or meditation, blocking them out, negative self-care, or just moving on. I don't get how some people have that emotional tether for so long ... LH's wife was like that. She was really horrid to him during their marriage and after, but she acted like she wanted him back, particularly when he got with someone else. When she saw I wasn't going anywhere and we were making a married life together (he had just dated here and there before), she let it be for the most part. However, there would be times that she'd show up and act kind of flirty. He looked at her like she was crazy ... it was pretty funny to me that she seemed so out of sorts that she couldn't rattle me with that crap. And she's a few years older than me by age, which is why I think she saw me in the same sort of light as she saw herself, expecting similar reactions. However, she knows nothing about me really, to get my mindset and worldview. The instruments are basically the only legacy LH's daughter has. His instruments should be hers. She wants them, which is great. I gave the older set to our former church, where LH was an elder. I have no problem with her having them. I don't feel right about throwing away her things; they are hers and she should have to deal with them. She lives on the east coast, so having her collect the items isn't going to happen; I'm not inviting her to come and get them, that's for sure. It doesn't bother me to have LH's things, it's his daughter's continued disrespect for all spaces. She has always felt entitled to be in her mother's house because she can't afford to live on her own (although I did pop into one of her social media pages and it seems she's thinking about getting her own place, which I hope is because she's finally landed stable employment) ... I might have shared it a while back, but one time when she was here she was fussing about her mom wanting her to give some $ toward the mortgage; when I said that was reasonable, she said 1) she doesn't work that many hours (and may have been in school at the time ... can't remember now), 2) she puts food in the house that her mom sometimes wastes (which was interesting to hear from her for how much stuff I watched her waste over the years). She just about blew a gasket when I said that's well and fine but neither of those things pays a mortgage, water bill, light bill, or keeps the internet on. She proceeded to say that her mom had help from her parents, so it didn't matter. When she came here in 2010, she got upset because we wouldn't let her drive either of our vehicles ... she had no job, no car insurance, a driver's license from back east, and couldn't be added to our car insurance because she had too many points on her license. But her dad and I were the bad guys. Granted, that was a decade ago, but the burns are still there. Even when she came out here for that week or so after her dad died, she went out with some dude she knew(?) who lived in L.A. He came and picked her up after texting her to say he was at the curb; it was like 10pm or so. She didn't even lock my front door. I have never lived in a place where I didn't lock doors, even though I'm in the sticks here! Something said to me about an hour after she left to get up and check ... sure enough, the big door and the screen door were both unlocked. I have big dogs but still! She didn't come home until the next day and rang the bell to be let in like it was nothing. The fact that I haven't heard from her in about a year now is also telling; that last call was to ask me for the instruments like I said. I am expecting a couple of unexpected earnings (one for something at one of my jobs and another from a speaking engagement), so I think I'm going to put most of it toward sending these boxes. It will be cathartic for me, a true closing of the chapter in a way. I don't know if things are settling with the fires as I've basically given up watching news. It's all so horrible, everywhere. I talk to my colleagues from around the state and everyone says the same thing -- it's smoky, they aren't going outside. My friend who has a home in Oak Glen (El Dorado Fire? The one started by the gender reveal smoke bomb) sent video of the area; it was about 54% contained in her last update, one structure lost (near the visitor center) but no homes. Mud slide season could be something else. She's been evacuated twice. Fortunately she has friends to stay with closer to L.A. She is a widow as well; the home in Oak Glen was her husband's and she's not that attached to it. It's absolutely lovely, as is the artwork and furnishings. She was thinking about putting it on the market a year or so ago to move into something smaller. Not sure if she changed her mind as we haven't had time to talk about it. It did make me think about attachments though. I wonder what I would want to save if fire came close enough here ... I think about photo albums of my son and my parents and grandparents, a few sentimental things, my work computer and a few other tech items, and food for the animals. I'd miss the rest, but in the end, it really doesn't matter if we're all safe. Sigh.
  2. Ooh, that emotional connection. That's it right there. Your comment captures it so well: but an emotional connection is a different kind of thing. I often wonder if some people just can't see themselves within their situation. Your NG disagrees with you about his emotional connection, but gets sentimental talking about the past, as if tears when we remember aren't a signal of emotional attachment. Or is it just plain denial, that some don't want to admit what's right there. Either way, I think you are in a good, protective space, to be slow in considering moving into the same space together. Until he can see his situation for what it is and how it looks to others, it would be hard to deal with that when under the same roof. Right? Yuck indeed! LH's daughter had few filters. Her mom didn't either. I think her mom wanted a sister-friend more than a daughter. They talked about dating and intimacy in ways I wouldn't with anyone. I don't even talk about any of that with my mom and I'm an old, only child! As far as her dad's things go, she wanted some of his instruments, which are hard to ship; they are heavy and awkward to package. I have everything boxed. The rest are things like the photos, some of her dad's artwork, his horse-riding chaps, her grandmother's dishes, and all her crap that she left here a decade ago when she came to visit. I'm not throwing it away; it's hers. She likely doesn't remember what she left, but she needs to take responsibility for it. If she wants to throw it away, so be it. Let her do it in her mom's garbage; I think she still lives there. I haven't heard from her since early last year or so when she called to ask me if I would send the instruments. Her mom works for the post office and she said she would help, but unless you are willing to do a pay-on-receipt or send me $$$, there's nothing for you to do. I plan to get it all sent and mail her a letter to tell her what's coming (generally) and when it should get there. If they've moved or anything, it's on them to figure out. She's now in her mid-30's. If her mom, who's in her later 50's is still willing to live like they are both in their 20's, it's their thing ... sigh.
  3. Hey there, trying2: Praying for safety for all in your span of care. The Northwest fires are especially painful. My auntie in Florida shared that one of her nephews was in that Oregon town that's now gone. They haven't heard from him. I'm not far from the Oak Glen fire (the one started by the gender reveal smoke bomb ... arg!!!) and have a friend who lives up there. No homes were lost but the ecological and environmental loss is bad, considering what may occur if there are steady or heavy rains later. You know, I wonder if it's a guy thing to try and hold onto some of the good from past relationships sometimes. LH had all his wedding photos; I found them again when I was packing all that stuff for his daughter (which is still sitting in my garage ... the idea of spending $1k or so to ship it to someone who doesn't reach out, even in the midst of fires, and who hasn't posted to her dad's memorial page since the year after he died irritates me) and put them in to go to her. I don't need them. He and his ex could talk about good times as a way to not talk about the bad and I got that. She was always more into it than he was though and he never sent any messages like that as far as I know. I also think, because we were married and I knew where he was pretty much all the time, not to mention what sort of a person she really was, it wouldn't matter to me. Like I think I shared, she had told her daughter what sex was like between the two of them; there was a time that his daughter heard he and I and she made a comment about it to me. I was mortified, not that she heard us but that her mom told her anything about intimacies with her dad! These things are never easy. BF talks about his ex and his kids, but it's never kind. He says she was 'eye candy', a catch according to his friends. He has never described her from his own point of view as being particularly pretty and after three and a half years or so of us being together hasn't ever said anything close to a compliment about her. I don't really talk much about my past relationships. There's a photo of me, LH, and my son as you go into my hall. There is art from LH all over. It doesn't bother BF or if it does, he hasn't ever mentioned it. He's even played some of LH's instruments that I still have. He sees what's here as mine and that's that ...
  4. Hi, trying2! Yes, I agree with you and Jules. It has been a good time for introspection. My mom laughs at me -- our thing is to go and hide in the bathroom and talk in low voices to share our mutual funny stories about BFs. I've tried to find my calm spaces more intentionally, which is always tough when you have other people in your house. Fortunately, BF is a good hermit too and keeps to his corners while I keep to mine during the day, so we don't get in each other's way. I decided to take a social media hiatus. I pop in to post to a couple of my writing groups that don't hold other spaces, but beyond that, I pretty much have been ignoring the private messages and posts. I've had two people reach out to see if I'm okay, so that says a lot. I saw the one person today when I was watering the lawn; she was on her way to work and stopped at the curb to tell me she was about to come knock on my door to see if I was okay because I hadn't checked her message. I told her that I needed to step away; as an older person (technically ... I'm the only person allowed to call me old! LOL), I really don't need social media. I like to write letters and that sort of thing. I deal with text messages when I have to. I've got more time like I said to write and be creative, to read my devotional texts, and that sort of thing. She totally got it. My other contact was a colleague who lives about an hour from me; I am sure he gets it too, having just retired from academia for the most part. Beyond that, I've had a text message and email from people I usually reach out to regularly; one replied to my response and one didn't. I have to say that in a way I don't miss the congregation but in other ways I do. I'd really like to pick up stakes and find a nice place near a lake or something. I'd even take a spot that got a little snow now and again, so long as I had a stretch of property and water nearby!
  5. Hey, Julester! So good to hear from you. How are your children? Everyone's healthy? I totally hear you about the pandemic being exhausting in and of itself. Never before has self-care seemed so important to me!
  6. Happy mid-August all: It's been very quiet here; I hope everyone is staying healthy. For those who aren't co-habitating, how are you and your partners holding on during the time of quarantine? For those of you who are, how are things? Things are as they've been over here. I am grateful that I entered counseling as it gives me someone to bounce things off of generally every two weeks. I'm glad for the virtual connection as well because I wouldn't want her to see me squirming in my seat sometimes! It also allows me to go from room to room if I don't want to be at my work desk. We've talked about past and current things in my life, this pattern of my not wanting to take risks in relationships anymore, but rather than not taking any risks at all what it means to take carefully planned and thought-out risks. BF has been working, despite the pandemic; people still want things done. He's been more helpful around the house, particularly since I have more work to do -- students are home so they are doing more on their dissertations and master's work. I'll be going for a surgery in October to remove a lipoma from my left forearm that was causing pain for a while. Between now and then, I pray to lose some weight. I've put on a lot over the past several months and I absolutely hate it. However, I have always hated exercise, even when I was doing it regularly. Now with more joint issues, I can't really so there's that. I've pretty much walked away from social media. It had me so angry all the time. I also walked away from a couple of groups at church; even though we weren't meeting in person, some things had started before the lock-down. The one small group was more a clique, as several of the women were better acquainted and would come to the group, talking about the parties and things they'd attended the day before -- it's like, hey, we're supposed to be here for each other now ... can you talk about something we all were involved in? And they would have these things and not invite everyone anyway. It was weird. Not to mention the fact that it became more of an adult version of a kid's church school class and I don't need that (okay, let's go around the circle and each person read a part ... ugh! There's no one in this room under the age of 30! Can we read the materials beforehand and discuss them!! Rant over LOL). I wanted to stay in the text message group just to keep up with the ladies and said I might pop in at some point. But then the pandemic shut in-person meetings down and that was that. Haven't really heard from anyone since. The other group was one that I might have mentioned; three of the leaders pulled me into a room and asked me 'if I still lived with my boyfriend', which irked me for several reasons. Firstly, you must have gotten that I lived with my boyfriend either by gossiping or assuming. No one asked me. Had they done so outright, to ask me if I lived with him, I would have said yes. Second, what is this 'still live with' business? I never suggested I wouldn't be. Yes, they are conservative and if that's their thing, okay. But no one asked me about my life. None of them knew I'd been widowed twice. No one ever asked me anything. So when it first happened I was really angry and said to myself I would still go to meetings and volunteer -- I wanted them to see me and see that, despite being not what they wanted, I was still a believer and good servant when called upon. But then the pandemic came. I volunteered to host virtual meetings for the group; the one leader said she'd get back to me. Never did. I left it go until early this month, when I wrote them a letter. I told them a bit of my history and that if I got married again, great, but if I didn't, I was okay with that too. That it was God's job to tell me whether my life was right or wrong but that I respect their stance as well and hope they can respect mine. This leader called me a couple days later. I didn't answer -- after all, I hadn't gotten so much as a text message in like five months. I texted her back the next day, got a response and that was it. I've gotten tired of being less than an afterthought. For now, I've become a hermit, except for BF and work. I was the one always reaching out first, making the phone call or sending the email or text. Not now. The best part about that is my creativity has come back. I've been writing, nearly every day. I get rest; even though I tend to work six days a week, that seventh day is usually a pretty good Sabbath I nap, or take care of the yard, or just do as little as humanly possible. I still watch the weekly talk from church but I look forward to the day I find a congregation that I can really connect to. I've been wanting more and more to move. Well, that's all the latest here. As you have time, pop in and say hi!
  7. So after being widowed the first time, I met my second husband, who was separated. Once we started dating seriously and living together (please forgive me if I told this story), he told me why he hadn't gotten divorced. He wanted his ex to own up to her part in ruining their marriage. I get that, but I was like, so ... it's been about 10 years or more; don't think it's gonna happen. He agreed and paid for the divorce. She signed, the divorce was final, and that's when he and I made our marriage plans official. When his daughter found out that we were making plans, she was happy and somewhere along the line told her mom. The mom called my soon-to-be husband, who she had been separated from for at that point more than 10 years, and asked him something like, oh, you couldn't wait? He was like, are you serious ... why do you even care? It was the silliest thing I'd ever witnessed. Even after that, she would come around and be flirtatious and he would look at her like she was crazy. I would leave the room as I knew it had been over between them and really didn't need to see her shenanigans. But when it came to how his daughter was treated in our home, the ex had no say in it. Did I sacrifice, sure, but no more than I would do for any child ... when she needed a ride to practice during high school and her mom wouldn't take her or go to her games, we did. When her mom realized we were willing to do that, she started doing it. It was truly bizarre. Other than having to sometimes do things that her mom wouldn't do for her, or that she didn't trust her mom to do or just didn't want her involved (like one time when she went to a gathering after prom; she went to stay with a friend after, but things got weird. In the morning she called me, in tears, because they basically put her out of the house. She wasn't hurt or anything but to hear a child crying on the phone like that made my heart hurt. Her dad was working out of state and I think her mom was also working, so she called me). I don't miss those days, even though I certainly don't feel I had it tough with them because my LH stood up for me with all of them -- his daughter, his ex, and his family when the need ever arose.
  8. Hey there, trying2: it's called Burnout and the authors are twin sisters, Nagoski and Nagoski. It's got science and entertainment. Really good read!
  9. I also have been reading. My counselor recommended a book on burnout that is specific for women. The most recent chapters I read were about 'the madwoman in the attic', which were about how we have that part of us that helps bridge between who we are and who we think we are expected to be (I'm paraphrasing). 'She' is the part of us that says and does all the things we'd like to do and say. She is anger, hurt, and all the other things we keep in. I've been thinking about 'her' a lot lately ...
  10. Hey there you all. Thank you so much, tybec! A lot in that list resonates with my experiences from the second marriage. My son was tough at the start but came to love my late husband; my son was four when I started dating him. His daughter was a tween and it was hard. Still is, as I've posted here. Interestingly, she hasn't posted on her dad's memorialized social media for two years. I haven't heard from her since almost a year ago. I still have to send her all the boxes in my garage, but coughing up about $1,000 to get it done hasn't been in budget. However, I am again attempting to do so with the proceeds of one of my upcoming summer classes. BF has adult daughters but as I mentioned I only met one of them. She was quite like him, whether either of them would admit it or not. After my last experiences as a step-parent, in both marriages, I don't want to do it again. With all I've been through with my own son, I wouldn't want to have any more children, even if I was young enough and capable.
  11. Hi, klim -- so good to 'hear' from you and everyone, to know that you all are holding on and hanging in. I just read through this: https://youngwidowedanddating.com/cardboard-chronicles/ Yes, yes, yes, and yes!!!! All. Of. It. On the day to day, things are what they are here. BF's business is going; he's had several very good contracts and the reviews are excellent as well. I've been too busy with work and dealing with pain (I think the ganglion cyst in my arm is pressing a nerve, so I have occasional tingling in my fingers and arm, and pain up into my shoulder. I went today for an ultrasound and am supposed to go to an orthopedist to have it examined and drained in another couple weeks, but in the meantime, I take Tylenol with codeine once a night just to sleep. Sort of. I can't lay on either side and am a preferred side sleeper) to honestly pay a lot of attention to what he's doing or not. I mean, that's sort of what life in the same house is about for grown folks, in my opinion: we aren't in each other's faces 24/7, even if we both work from home offices I spend much of my day in the front of the house, and he's either in the family room, out back, or in the garage where he has a desk. I bought a screen to block off behind my workspace, so if he wants to root around in the kitchen, everyone on a video call can't see him at it LOL. We celebrated our four-years-since-first-date a couple weeks ago. Time flies.
  12. Hey SW! How are you doing? Nice to 'see' you and a very good question. Memorial Day marked four years since my first date with BF. There are things I want that I would describe as 'wanting more', sure. It varies day by day. Over the time since I started the thread, we've talked about everything from cohabitation to marriage and everything in between. I would say the idea of 'full commitment' changes and is different for each of us. My mom said to me the other day 'as long as you are happy'. I think that sums it nicely.
  13. Hello all! Praying the silence means you all are doing well. How is everyone holding up with the 'rona, as my Northeast people have called it? I can tell you my best moment was a couple Sundays ago: I went out to water the lawn and it was so quiet, I had to stop and listen. There were no noises ... no people, no cars, no birds, no dogs. It was beautiful. I've honestly enjoyed the quiet; living catty-corner to an elementary school means constant noise and foot traffic; parents park on our block (and I have the corner house) however and whenever to drop off and pick up their kids. I don't miss it one bit. Everyone in my sphere has remained healthy and safe, thank God. I have to say that I spent about a half-hour, sobbing, just a bit ago. A woman I know from church posted that her nephew's father had been murdered by his wife (the boy's mother). She and her husband had taken the boy in because his parents had been living a life that wasn't conducive to a young person ... the nephew is an amazing boy. He's about 12. It hurt my heart. I thought of my own losses, my BF's losses. I popped in because I realized I hadn't been here in a bit and trying2, I thought of your beloved and the last posts you made about that situation at your family event. I think I have a pinched nerve; it's kept me from sleeping well for a couple weeks now. I woke up from the pain this morning at about 2:30 and sent a message to my doctor about it (again). I will be honest -- I drank about 12oz of red wine while I washed dishes. It helped more than the prescription NSAIDs the doctor gave me. However, I do know I can't self-medicate that way regularly ... I just needed relief. I wonder if your guy was trying to escape something ... I know it's been a few months since that conversation, but it came back to me. Do pop in as you all are able -- let us know how you are, how your families are. {{{{hugs}}}}
  14. Hi, Jeff -- so sorry to hear that your GF is high-risk. That does make it difficult for sure. Maybe you can send each other letters by mail too, along with video conference and social media ... it will certainly be a keepsake from this weird time!
  15. Hey there, Julester -- yes, we know. It was a moment of brevity in an otherwise chaotic world. Since we both work at home, there's little need to go out, except for fresh air and sun (although we haven't had much of that. Bleck!). BF has the occasional job call, but he wears mask and gloves; fortunately, his motorcycle mask is the highest rating and he has replacement filters for it. I also have a box of hospital masks here. I had to go out to the dentist last Friday, which was the first time I'd driven anywhere in three weeks.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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