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arneal

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  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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  1. Happy Monday all! I saw this article yesterday about the new reality of dating. I don't know how many of us fit the age range discussed, but I think some of the points are salient: https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/?fbclid=IwAR3aoOGrguaxWrDVYgKlT0RACIGYy_zPaZg6vv8BEQJlswQV1VKFmT9A8K0 I hear you, trying2. I don't think it's wrong to not want her there if she's cranky. Can you ask him his thoughts on the matter? Something like 'she doesn't seem happy when she comes to these things; should we ask her if she wants to come?' That way, it's her choice. If she decides not to, the party goes on without her. Oh well. Sometimes, that gives the message that the world doesn't revolve around them -- come if you want, don't come, it's not going to stop anything. If she says she wants to come, let her and focus on your family. If it's possible to include her, great. If she's standoffish, she'll see you treating everyone else wonderfully, engaging with them, enjoying them, and all the good times everyone else is having while she sits somewhere, moping or just being miserable all to herself. It's interesting how those things work out, since it's often that someone else will reach out and ask her what her problem is (usually a younger child because they have no filter 😅) so you wont' have to. I've shared various stories about LH and his daughter (and her mom). It remains a painful situation at times, even though LH's daughter is pushing 34 years old. She did the ping-pong thing when she didn't like what was going on at either house back in her teen years (mad at mom, come to us; mad at us, go back to mom). BF has been divorced twice I suppose you could say; he wasn't married to his children's mother and they separated when the girls were like three or four. He did divorce his second wife but there were no children; he was separated from her when we met but finalized the divorce in fall of our first year of knowing each other. His one daughter has been estranged for many years, while he and the second one lived together when we met. She didn't seem to not like me. We talked occasionally, a few words here or there. Her boyfriend was much more talkative. Of all the dinners we had at their place, his daughter and her boyfriend only sat at the table and ate with us once as I remember it. She became crankier as time went on and I just ignored her. I continued to bring along food items and tried to give a small gift at her birthday or Christmas. I wasn't going to change who I was for anyone. I suppose it helps that I'm not super close to my own son either, and grew up not particularly close to my folks.
  2. Do you want more, Jules? Is a conversation possible to talk about it? I mean, kids aren't kids forever. Plus, how our lives are at one point -- particularly for those who divorce -- isn't how they remain. However, if this works for you all, stick with it.
  3. Grief is such an interesting monster ... when it comes up and I tell people I've been widowed twice, they give me the sorrowful face. That causes me to tell more of my story. I was freaked out the first time as it was an unexpected relief; unless people have been in an abusive situation, that sounds horrible. However, it was unexpected because I didn't know he was sick and his death meant that my son and I were free (the relief part). The second time was not completely unexpected but incredibly heartbreaking yet, truth be told, something of a relief; being a caregiver for anyone is difficult. I didn't know for sure that LH was approaching his end so quickly, but considering all he'd been through in the couple years prior, it wasn't unexpected. I am hopeful that it was peaceful -- I really don't know since he was in hospital with the flu. I talked to him and he sounded great but tired. He said he was going to take a nap. I suspect his heart stopped while he was asleep, but I wasn't ever told the details. Which is just as well. What good would it have done to know the specifics of every second? The result is he Left. I don't carry the sadness because I grieved for him about a year before he was actually Gone; he was intubated after a very serious crisis and the grief was all too real during those days I sat in the intensive care room, watching them do procedures on him, talking to him while he was unconscious, and so on. The doctors had given him a 50/50 then, but he came out of it and did great, such as it was. He was on oxygen and couldn't really walk much without assistance. He had a walker in the house and had to have a wheelchair when we went to hospital or the doctor's office. And now here I am, fourth holiday season into a new relationship and since the last with LH, which wasn't much of one with all the illness. Memorial Day 2020 will be an actual fourth 'anniversary' for BF and I of our first date. My teary moments aren't related specifically to LH; I've only had one major one since BF has been here. I have contemplative times that I try to keep to myself but that he often catches. They are also nebulous ... not clearly related to loss. BF and I are now pet parents together with the kitten (LOL), but the dogs are clearly mine. Since I was gone for the week, the kitten has bonded with BF more, but is still loving toward me, just like a child LOL. Other than that, we press on. I pray each of you has a wonderful thanksgiving break, however you deal with it. BF and I are about the socio-cultural connection to the day and don't see it as celebration, since it actually commemorates the death of native peoples in the Americas. I will be off from work and will cook, just like I would do anyway. No turkey but a half ham. Other homemade fixin's. I'll make BF's new favorite apple caramel cake today, more because we are nearly out of sweets LOL. In my faith walk, I've decided to bring communion home; my plan is to make some communion rolls today as well to share with BF when I do it here instead of at church, where in a way it's become too ... I don't know how to describe it -- we have a large congregation so we have the combo cup and bread that's like instant? Very different from the little family churches I came up in, where we sometimes had homemade bread each time! I want to get back to that solemn and reverent expression of faith. I even got some Kedem grape juice I see it as another connection for BF and I, since he doesn't go to service but does take communion (he usually asks me to bring him a cup). Onward ...
  4. Hi, all -- might there be a connection to the 'holiday' season? Have you noticed a difference in how you communicate with your signif's at this time of year? Just a thought. We are in a weird place here. Or maybe it's just me who's weird 🤣 I over-think things, so there's that. Interesting exchange last night: so we have a kitten and he's bonded with BF more, since I was gone for work last week. I'm okay with that but mentioned it. BF's response was something to the effect of 'He (the kitten) loves me and I love you, so that's that'. It caught me off-guard because he's often less verbally expressive than I am about that sort of thing. He's also been more affectionate lately (BF, not the kitten LOL), which is a good thing, even though it takes getting used to for me. I'm better than I used to be way back in the day -- when I met LH and he'd be affectionate, I'd pull back and fold in on myself. Physical touch is certainly not my love language and I have to work at it. I see the growth in myself. I think the weird place is that we are growing. I realized that this will be our fourth 'holiday' season together and the second one under the same roof. Time flies. I pray that you all are well!
  5. I just read a thing from the 5 Love Languages newsletter today. I've copied and pasted below ... Granted, we aren't talking about spouses here, but signif's. I think it still counts for sure, especially if we are committed, right? I know BF had a very different experience growing up and I don't think he and his previous signif's ever talked about or tried to understand one another very well. It seems that selfishness is the way a lot of couples engage, whether they recognize it or not.
  6. Hey trying2 -- oh, my ... new baby! LOL! He's a piece of work. It's meant compromise between BF and I, in that before he came to live here, I slept with my bedroom open so the dogs could come in and out. We started keeping the door closed when BF moved in. Now kitty sleeps in the bedroom. I haven't been cleaning the litterboxes and don't plan to, unless there's a time BF isn't here; I'm leaving that as his house chore, since I pretty much take care of everything else. I travel for work this coming weekend, so he'll have to do it all anyway. I tend to have a heavier hand (will use the water bottle to keep kitty off things, will plop him on the floor if he uses his claws on me), where BF is concerned about frightening him. I just remind him I'm doing the things that worked on my past kittens and cats and go on with my process, while letting him do it his way Other than that, it's good. I'm sorry to hear that your NG hasn't gotten a handle on how you process emotionally. I hope he begins to understand you and doesn't get all up in his feels if you have to tell him straight out. Perhaps you can use the 'positive sandwich' technique: I appreciate your 'fix it' mentality' (positive) but I feel this way about this thing and it's not something you can fix (not so positive). If it would help, maybe you can just not be here when I'm dealing with this and we can connect later so you can do [name something you like that he does when you don't feel very upbeat] because you are really great at that and it makes me feel better (positive).
  7. Oh yes. The Litter Robot. The newest is close to $700. I can't; not to mention that some Maine Coons are too big for them. There's a hand-crank version but sadly there's something in the plastic that means it can't be shipped to California. So irritating!
  8. Happy birthday, tybec -- I have come to embrace birthdays, all holidays really. A reason to be unreasonably celebratory Yes, I am sure the new addition will liven things up. I find part of my 'keep my irritations to myself' is that I'm a planner ... I like to have things done and well ahead of time when it comes to these sorts of experiences. I've had the litterbox, canned food, toys, feeding bowl, and the like here for a few weeks. NG is supposed to be finishing the outdoor enclosure, since the cat can't be outdoors per breeding arrangements (and because our lizards are poisonous to cats, plus there is always the chance he'd get out of the yard, despite the fence), but has been taking his sweet time. He's also supposed to be adapting a large plastic box into a second litterbox. Note 'supposed to'. I'm keeping my mouth shut as he doesn't feel the same sense of urgency about these things as I do. I'm of the ilk to get it done, sit back and celebrate it being done, and have time should anything else need doing. What he doesn't know is that he's going to be on primary litterbox duty 🤣 I'm sure I'll have some stories in the coming weeks ...
  9. Thank you, sudnlysngl -- yes, the change of temps and so on might have something to do with it. I think I'm getting more sensitive to the seasons. All I want to do is sleep (it doesn't help that we got a new mattress LOL). I certainly appreciate the prayers! Kitty will be named Fyzzgyg -- a variant on 'Fizzgig' from The Dark Crystal movie. I wanted to name a pet that the first time I heard the name and BF liked it as well. He came up with the variation in spelling though.
  10. Thank you! All's well now. We have electricity and internet again I had to work on Friday to make up for being MIA for the previous two days; I was supposed to be off Friday through yesterday. I ended up working a little on Saturday as well, but took the other days completely off. Yesterday was really great because I basically sat in the floor and watched TV after washing my hair and giving myself a home-spa treatment. We are getting a cat, did I share that? Saturday, we'll go pick him up from the breeder. I am hoping it will be a nice day as the drive is lovely. It was nice to not be in front of screens all day. I've been in something of a funk lately. Can't put words to it really ... I try to keep my irritable nature to myself, particularly when it's sparked more by work issues than anything else. I've been trying to stay in my own lane as I know that will help! Hoping everyone is well.
  11. Hi all, from mobile hotspot internet ... Spectrum cut us due to fire hazards (supposedly ... they best cut my bill accordingly as well! Grrrrrrr~ I work online so this is NOT okay!). Were without power for two days. I sat in my car yesterday morning, running an extension cord (thank God the car has an AC plug) to recharge my office laptop and several other devices. I was supposed to be off today, but here I am, online, getting caught up on the work I couldn't do for two days. Needless to say, the computer is not getting turned on all weekend. So sorry to hear about your dad, trying2 ... as our parents age, it's a tough thing. My son has his grandmom (my mom) and that's it. My dad was gone before he was born and his dad's people are not in our lives. His father's mom was dead when we met and I only saw his dad at the funeral. He didn't speak to me at all, but because he hadn't seen or heard from his son in over 20 years, he was in his grief space. I didn't need to be in connection. My son doesn't connect with his grandmom, but does ask about her. He called me the other night before the power went off. It was a surprise. Oh well, off to finish this work and get off the computer. I might have a mid-day shot of whiskey to celebrate Friday ... my plan is to get as much of LH's daughter's stuff packed this weekend as possible. I'm ready to close the chapter there for sure. I was pleasantly surprised to find a shipping and packing place, right around the corner from me. I think I'll use them to get these boxes to her. Support local!
  12. arneal

    On line dating vents and laughs......

    What a beautiful post, LF ... well-said. I wish I'd found this site and this board particularly before I started online dating after my LH died. Like Leadfeather, I trusted early on; I believed a lot of things I shouldn't have. I didn't do my fact-checking because my guard was down after a year or so of being a caregiver full-on for a person who'd had health conditions for the entirety of our 16 years together. I was weary. I didn't realize I was being catfished until I'd exposed myself more than I would have in other circumstances. Nothing major as it was all online; I mean, we never even really were on video together. Dude kept his screen off (should have been a flag). I sent him a photo of myself that was embarrassing looking back (not a nudie or anything but I'm not a fan of taking photos of myself anyway LOL). In the end, I discovered his antics, called him on it, and stopped communicating. He came back some time later, saying he had been angry at me because I didn't believe the malarkey he'd tried to hand me. Needless to say, that conversation ended quickly. It taught me to do my research on anyone who tried to connect with me. I checked out multiple sites and reviewed photos and profiles to see if people were portraying themselves differently on different sites (Google photo lookup was my best friend!). I set my social media profile security settings up to stop getting weird pings and messages from men who just had a few female 'friends', who didn't know anyone I knew, and who really didn't have profiles set up but tried to connect when they saw single or widowed as status. I started asking questions if anything smelled fishy: why do you say you live in [X state] but your phone number is from [Y state], why do you want to jump off the site so quick to communicate when I clearly indicated I need to know more about you, what about my profile made you want to connect when based on profile we have nothing in common ... I stopped accepting connections from people who were out of the 'local' range. For me, that meant farther than what I deemed half-way between towns. That allowed me to connect to my current BF. We texted on the site for a day and exchanged phone numbers. He called me and we talked for about an hour, during which we decided to meet for lunch and set a time and place (which he allowed me to pick) for two days later (Memorial Day, 2016). I got there early and parked so I could see the entrance. I told several friends where I was going and when to check on me; if they hadn't heard from me by a certain hour, I told them to really check on me! I saw him when he pulled up and he looked like his profile photos. We had lunch and talked for about four hours that day. We agreed to see each other that Friday and basically saw each other almost every weekend after that. We've been live-in since last February. I don't say that such connection will come for everyone, but I share my story to also say how grateful I am to have learned all I learned from those on this site and board. It helped me find love again, on my terms.
  13. I hear you, sudnly; my son hasn't spoken to me since late February or so. Granted, that's nothing like 11 years, but I can empathize. His dad (the first husband) was a very angry and abusive man. I too had my son in counseling early on because I didn't want him to go that way as well, but he did. He has a mean streak for sure. Hoping you and your ex as a united front will help create change for your son!
  14. sudnly -- I am so glad you made it to where you were going! I hope you are keeping a journal of all these goings on. As Captain's Wife says, you can't make this stuff up. Please be careful, even with your son. If he has the abusive streak, you don't want to get caught up. Does your son hear himself when he speaks to his wife and others? It seems some people need a wake-up call by being reminded of how they want to be treated or spoken to. Sometimes, if they hear something like 'I wonder what my boss would say if I said something that to him?', they think about it.
  15. Ooh, trying2, am so right there with you! My love languages are acts of service (primary) and gifts (secondary) and I struggle to ask for both. What are your NG's love languages? Are you still discovering them? I know I have thought about just handing the book to BF and asking him, but I pretty much know what they are. I just struggle to action them ... Sigh. Hoping everyone has a great weekend!

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


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