Jump to content

arneal

Members

0

Followers

1,083

Content Count

Country

Genre

Zodiac

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

Enable
  1. Hi, trying2! I'm laughing because you can tell I have no clue about gift-giving!!! Yes, our lunch on Saturday was great. When I came out of the bedroom that morning, BF was like 'where are you going, all dressed up' (I wasn't really dressed up but since I try to stay in my jammies on Saturdays, it was different). He wanted to know where we went and what we had. I'm thinking about going back to the same place on Saturday coming maybe for a Valentine's lunch. I haven't decided yet I don't expect to do anything on my birthday since it's a weekday, but that's okay. I am doing more, health-wise ... as it's a new decade, I realize I need to attend to those things. I have a new medical doctor and have been very intentional about keeping my appointments; the new doctor set me up for bloodwork and so on. I am also looking to change my life insurance provider and need to do a medical check for that, which I've scheduled. I've even gotten in with a new dentist. I'm looking also to maybe take that pottery class I've been thinking about, but with the other things I've taken on it might not be possible yet. BF has been pretty open these last few days. He tends to keep his feelings in but he has shared a little more here and there. My son sent us a Valentine's Day card and then called. While I was on the phone with him, BF asked me if that was him. When I said yes, he sent a 'hello' back and also read the card. I know it's hard because his daughters are not in his life. My son isn't really in mine much either but we at least keep in 'distance' touch
  2. trying2 -- if you have a little extra $$, maybe a massage, just for him. Particularly if he's on the stressed side. Or if he's game, a couple's massage? Is he a tinkerer? Maybe something to put together ... I was just texting my friend and it looks like we're going out on Saturday for a combo birthday lunch. She has to work later but we'll have a couple hours to chat and chew. BF will likely forage for leftovers lol. Depending on how it all looks, I might grab takeout for dinner from the same place. We'll see! I'm still debating on the V-day go-out for he and I. I've never been one to do a lot of going out but since I work from home, I can easily turn feral ... forgetting what it's like to be around other humans (extra-easy when there's two large dogs and a Maine Coon cat who thinks he's more dog than the dogs around all the time). He's such a home-body as well, BF. I at least travel for work about once every month or 1.5 months so I get immersed in people, but he can stay in and to himself better than I can, and that's saying something! Anyway, let us know what you decide on for your guy, trying2 and how he likes it!
  3. Hey there, trying2 -- so glad to hear from you and that you all are doing okay in the midst of everything. It's not easy, for sure. Well, since V-day is two days after my birthday, we're doing something whether he's really feeling it or not 🤣. I just got a couple of new dresses, one of which is all slinky and sexy, but we'd need to maybe go to the comedy club and have a meal or something on say Saturday evening for that. The other dress would be good for brunch on Friday or Sunday even. He hasn't seen either of them and I mentioned doing something about two or three weeks ago, but didn't get a response really. I am looking to go out to lunch with one of my church friends as her birthday is a few days before mine. That first and then I'll figure out what to do with this man 😃 Funny you mention gifts. I had ordered this cool thing for his birthday. Last year. Because it was a prototype and they got delayed, it didn't get delivered until just a few days ago. Sigh. He was happy with it though! Since then, he's been occupied with work-related things that I hope will really inspire him to press forward with the business. I've asked God what I can do and the thing is, I can't be more excited about BF's thing than he is. Maybe he is excited and just low-key about it, cautious not to be too positive, you know? However, if he's not pressing forward hard, I certainly can't. After all, I do have a full-time gig and plenty of other things on my plate for the decade, including my writing. I just got a new software program for scriptwriting and am taking a class on scriptreading. No grass growing under these feet 😉
  4. Welcome to the second month of 2020 (already)! How is everyone doing? trying2, how are you? I just got back from my first work trip of the year; so far, I have three more booked between now and early June. I keep busy and leave the rest to be as it will BF seems amazed at times that I do all the things I do, that I will get on the phone with friends and just laugh until we cry and talk for hours, that I'll watch church service in the bedroom but then go out for tea with my friend from church after, that I'll happily stay in my office and on the computer until after dark, or that I'll stay in bed for 13 hours when given the chance. There are days when it's obvious he's too tightly wound to just let go like that. It's nice that he laughs more; it's been a tough couple years for him but if he sticks around me, we'll have none of that for much longer. I wonder if it boils down to maturity in a way. After a major loss (or several), many of us just press forward. We can't carry the baggage and want to enjoy our time here. Others get very stuck, afraid they'll lose more than before I suppose if they step out of those old spaces. I don't know ... just early morning musings here. Hoping to hear what's going on for each of you in this new decade so far -- and praying you all are well!
  5. trying2 -- I am so sorry to read of your dad's health challenges. Being a caregiver is always hard and when you have to fight for what your loved one needs in a place that should be taking care of them, well that's a whole 'nother level of stressor. I pray your strength and hope you can get the emotional support you need right now! {{{hugs}}}
  6. Thank you for jumping on this thread, CW -- appreciate you more than you know! As we've enter each new year (and go, new decade!), we are encouraged at our church to take stock, to write down what it is we are looking for. I'm reading a book called To Hell with the Hustle and in it, the author distinguishes between goals and formations ... goals are finite, in that they are things we complete and tick off the list; formations are cyclical, in that they are the things we want to incorporate as who we are. He describes how so many people start the year with the 'goal' of running as a 'resolution' but have stopped and likely forgotten about it by February. Instead, a formation would be to say I am a runner; therefore, I will aim to run at least five minutes a day three times a week. If it happens twice, yay! If it happens four times, yay! As long as it's something I do and don't stop doing after a week, month, or year. I share that because your post reminded me of both, the notion of writing down what it is we'd like to see come to fruition this year as well as which things we want to become formations. It sounds like what you want as best for you and your son will be tops on your list of formations! Plus, you and yours are in a position to step back; you've had to care for one another after your being widowed, while your NG and his children still have this person (healthy, toxic, or otherwise) still there. You've had to create a new formation of what 'every day' looks like. While your NG and his children seem to have a different every day all the time because of the ex's antics, you don't. Your new normal, it sounds like, has become a bit of bedrock, while he and his are still on rough seas. How much boat rocking can be part of your and your son's formation? That's what you'll have to truly determine for your own peace. And it's tough. {{{{hugs}}}}
  7. I don't know about it feeding the psyche, Bunny. Having been in an abusive marriage my first go, it's amazing what it does to a person. You do things out of survival instinct, even if you are out of the situation. Maybe this man feels by not going along with this ex he will lose time with his children. I stayed in my first marriage, despite it all, because I was afraid that the first husband would take my son and he and his family would raise him, which would be abusive for him (my son has special needs and his father had no time for that, no interest in working with him -- feeling like it was something he could spank out of him). I am sure there are some people who act that way because they do get something out of it, which would be problematic for sure, but I don't think it's the case for many ... Just my .02.
  8. That is interesting, CW -- LH and his ex rarely attended their daughter's sport events at the same time. They didn't both go to medical appointments or anything like that; ex had primary custody (physical?), so that was her deal. However, LH was there for some of the big things in a girl's life, just because of timing (like her first period ... he laughed when she asked him to go to the store for her; it was a good moment for them to bond as it was. He was an only child and was able to tell her what it was like for him as a boy, having to go occasionally to the store to buy supplies for his mom when she wasn't able to go out). For a long time, LH didn't go because of the drama with the ex. When the ex stopped attending, daughter would ask him to come; when we got together, she would as us to come. That made ex step up a bit, I guess one could say, and she started coming too. LH sat with me and she sat wherever else ... not with us. I would never begrudge them those sorts of experiences because it was about them showing support for their daughter, cheering from the stands. Now, we had an issue when LH's dad died. I think I shared that story -- ex demanded to ride in the family limo. Came and parked at the house and everything to do so. LH and I lived together then. I wasn't about the drama so I left. Drove myself to the church and sat shiva so to speak until service started. LH said he wanted to walk in and sit with me; ex was irritated. LH insisted that I ride to the cemetery with them, so me, him, ex, and daughter rode together. She wasn't happy, but had no choice. As soon as we got back to the church for the repast, I stayed as far away from her as I could. Different people, different ideas of appropriate.
  9. CW -- Happy New Year! So glad to see you I often wonder if it's a case of 'missing what you had now that it's gone' ... I don't understand how a person can be divorced for X amount of time and then when the other person gets into a relationship decides to be all up in it. How can they not see what they are doing is childish?!? Sigh ... I love your point about handling certain things by themselves. I also totally feel what you are saying about handling things yourself; my son was just shy of four years old when his dad died, not that I had much help from him the prior three years (children being 'women's work' and all ... can you see me rolling my eyes from one coast to the other?) and was legally and adult when LH died. Being an only child and on the opposite coast from what family I do have, hell yeah I handled it by myself. Could I have called some of LH's relatives? Sure. LH's ex wanted to be all sort of friendly to me once he was dead, saying 'I love you' when she was in the background and LH's daughter and I were on the phone. I mean, seriously ... to be around 30 and have your mom in the background when you talk to the woman your dad was with/married to for 16 years?! Rant in solidarity with your rant over ... ❤️
  10. trying2 -- so sorry to hear of the stressors. I'm curious about why both BF's ex's would need to be there because the daughter is coming to her dad? I mean, there's nothing wrong with wanting to see the place I suppose (a mom will want assurance that their child isn't moving into an unsafe or unclean place, after all), but to me it sounds more like he's allowed them to be a bit too involved. Did stepmom adopt the daughter? What's her part in all of it? No need to answer, just me venting; having been a stepmom several times over, I'd never do anything like that. I remember LH's ex. She often tried to ingratiate herself into our household. When I moved into LH's place, I didn't take it the same way; we weren't married, she would come with LH and her daughter, and it didn't feel intrusive. However, when I bought a house and we moved, the vibe changed. Our getting married was an issue for her, even though they'd been separated for a LONG time before LH and I met. I might have shared it before but he hadn't divorced her way earlier because he wanted her to take responsibility for her part in the breakdown of their relationship. She didn't. He and I talked about it because at that point in my life, I wasn't about being in a relationship with someone who wasn't willing to be all in with me (by divorcing out of a relationship that was long dead ... I can't say, even in hindsight, that I wanted marriage in the formal sense myself or didn't, but the idea of him not being divorced was a problem). She felt some type of way when their daughter told her that he and I were getting married, to the point that she called LH and asked him why he didn't tell her! He kindly replied with something like, 'why does it matter to you?'. Anyway, I bought the house before we got married. By then, LH had health problems and had essentially retired due to medical reasons; he didn't even want his name on the deed so the place was 'mine'. He had no problem, before or after we got married, with me informing his ex that her machinations were not welcomed. Interestingly, I didn't have any issues with the first husband's children's mothers (three daughters, three moms ... sigh ... yes, I was young and stupid). However, for whatever reason, the woman he dealt with before me wanted him back after we started dating. If I'd had any sense whatsoever, I'd have told him to go on with her. She told him that I wasn't woman enough for him (she was older than me, as was he; I was a college undergrad when we met) and in truth, she was right. I didn't know anything about life. Even so, she had no dealings with his children ... I'm not sure she'd even met them. Life sure is weird.
  11. Glad you're doing well, sudnly and yes, do update us!!! I'd absolutely be there, introverted nature and all, trying2! When's midnight LOL -- although we did binge watch 'The Watchmen' last night, which kept us both up until midnight, the first one I've seen in a long time ... Ah, the blending of families. It truly is a thing, is it not. LH had one ex, and she was more than enough. BF has two (his daughters' mother and the woman he divorced the year we met) and they are ghosts, as I like to call them. LH is a ghost for me as well, since I of course tell stories about him and things that connect to him are all around the house. This coming February will be the fourth year he's been gone. May will be the fourth year since BF and my first date. I finally did a Christmas newsletter this year and mentioned him in it. He doesn't know that as we didn't talk about traditions as it were; I always send cards and I think he sent at least one to his sister last year, but memory doesn't serve me well. Nonetheless, it could be that 2020 is a year of deeper blending for us. What that looks like is anyone's guess. Cheers to the arrival of the future!
  12. Oooh, trying2 -- I'd be all about the Cuban food! What people? Point me to the table LOL! Hoping everyone is having a good holiday season? I know it can be tough for many. It's been interesting for me; I've been in prayer this year for guidance about life in general. As I shared, I got my will together, which was a major accomplishment. I haven't made it digital yet, and that's on the list of to-be-looked-at chores while I'm off from work, as well as getting a head start on organizing some data for a research project that I've been working on for far too long. One of the interesting things is that my gifting plans went quite awry all year; I backed a crowdfunded project that I was expecting to have in my hands in June for BF's birthday. It's December and it's still not here. The developer informed everyone that U.S. shipping would happen between 18-20 December, but we received no shipping numbers, so here we are at Christmas day tomorrow, and I can't even give it to him then. However, he's feeling unhappy because he didn't have any money to buy gifts this year at all, so I guess not having something to give him is a blessing in disguise. We did go out for Indian food yesterday since I said I hadn't planned to cook a spread of any sort. It was a funny (to me ... not so much ha ha funny, but ironic funny) conversation; he likes me to pick where we go. I replied that it was my suggestion, so he had to pick; besides, I had said sushi at first and he wasn't all that keen. I then left it to him. He came back with Viet, Indian, or as a distant third, the sushi. I told him to pick ... that it was like a date and he was taking me, so he had to pick. He was again sad because he's like, but I'm not paying so why should I pick. I made him pick anyway and it was a good evening. One of my goals between today and tomorrow is to sit down with him and plan out some things for his business for 2020. I have myself an honorary marketing assistant title, so now I better be about it LOL! I was going to try and use our neighborhood app, but the people on there are just mean, so I likely won't go that route much. I posted about this salesman who came to my door and was sort of rude and one of the neighbors said I was complaining. I replied that I was sharing for people who were interested and then just deleted my post all together. I had said a while back that I wasn't going to put things on there because of a similar past experience; it's worse than other social media sites, in that people say anything at all and don't care about anyone's feelings. I don't have time or energy for that. Anyway, I am prayerful not to do too much in general as this is BF's business, not mine; I think of it like we say about the students at work -- I can't believe in your project more than you do. However, as the girlfriend who cares and is capable of helping, I want to be supportive. In the end, one of my biggest prayers is that he'll have one of those moments where he realizes he either believes in himself or not and makes a decision based on that. I keep holding the adage, 'not my circus - not my monkeys' but when in relationship, that only goes so far Praying everyone is well!
  13. If we were closer, trying2, your son and I could enjoy being introverts together Big family gatherings (heck, even small ones!) stress me out a good bit. I'm with you -- chores were always a given with my son and we had many a battle over that. However, it prepared him for being out of the house (he has chores where he is now), but when it came to the other stuff, it wasn't a necessary battle for me. I understand the value though of blending times and how it's important to make some sort of connection, but sometimes the 'big days' aren't best for that ...
  14. Hi, all: I think it depends on the young person. I remember when LH 'exposed' me to his family events; I never got to like it, never appreciated it, and gritted my teeth whenever I had to go to those large family events. I tried my best to fit in but was never comfortable. Had I been a teen, I would have hated it. Like you said, klim, the idea of your son being alone on Christmas would have soured your mood, but how would he have felt? These aren't children who shouldn't be alone, right? Why would it have been so bad had he chosen not to go? LH's daughter had plenty of exposure to me as the girlfriend (and eventual wife to her dad) later. Thinking back, she never came to any events with my family and that was okay. She was about 14 or so when her dad and I got together. When she didn't want to, she wasn't made to. I'm asking out of genuine curiosity as I know I would have been perfectly content had my LH gone to his events to be with his family without me. Even as a kid, my parents gave me a choice, knowing I was always better alone (maybe, unknowingly, they saw a special need in me ... my son, who is on the autism spectrum, was very similar).
  15. Happy Monday all! I saw this article yesterday about the new reality of dating. I don't know how many of us fit the age range discussed, but I think some of the points are salient: https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/article-women-older-than-65-dont-want-to-live-with-their-partners/?fbclid=IwAR3aoOGrguaxWrDVYgKlT0RACIGYy_zPaZg6vv8BEQJlswQV1VKFmT9A8K0 I hear you, trying2. I don't think it's wrong to not want her there if she's cranky. Can you ask him his thoughts on the matter? Something like 'she doesn't seem happy when she comes to these things; should we ask her if she wants to come?' That way, it's her choice. If she decides not to, the party goes on without her. Oh well. Sometimes, that gives the message that the world doesn't revolve around them -- come if you want, don't come, it's not going to stop anything. If she says she wants to come, let her and focus on your family. If it's possible to include her, great. If she's standoffish, she'll see you treating everyone else wonderfully, engaging with them, enjoying them, and all the good times everyone else is having while she sits somewhere, moping or just being miserable all to herself. It's interesting how those things work out, since it's often that someone else will reach out and ask her what her problem is (usually a younger child because they have no filter 😅) so you wont' have to. I've shared various stories about LH and his daughter (and her mom). It remains a painful situation at times, even though LH's daughter is pushing 34 years old. She did the ping-pong thing when she didn't like what was going on at either house back in her teen years (mad at mom, come to us; mad at us, go back to mom). BF has been divorced twice I suppose you could say; he wasn't married to his children's mother and they separated when the girls were like three or four. He did divorce his second wife but there were no children; he was separated from her when we met but finalized the divorce in fall of our first year of knowing each other. His one daughter has been estranged for many years, while he and the second one lived together when we met. She didn't seem to not like me. We talked occasionally, a few words here or there. Her boyfriend was much more talkative. Of all the dinners we had at their place, his daughter and her boyfriend only sat at the table and ate with us once as I remember it. She became crankier as time went on and I just ignored her. I continued to bring along food items and tried to give a small gift at her birthday or Christmas. I wasn't going to change who I was for anyone. I suppose it helps that I'm not super close to my own son either, and grew up not particularly close to my folks.

Personal Information

  • Date Widowed
    2/1/16
  • Cause of death
    Heart failure


The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

Enable
×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Terms of Use.