Milojka

Yes I do miss us a lot too. I feel very incomplete. Also I think I have issues with emotional self-reliance, now that that continuous stream of love between us has stoppped. I can't get used to it.

Well done you!! You deserved this. Your second great love would be proud of you.

I realise this post is months old, I just found it now. I guess you could say I ran away, after the love of my life died. No kids, no responsibilities. This is now 3 years ago. I am still here, and I have no plans to go back. I live on a small remote island between Scotland and Norway. Nature is beautiful here. I have a great job which gives me purpose and meaning - I look after people around the island. I finaly found a lovely house which I call Home. For people who have read my previous posts from long ago: the quiet and kind man who drives his sheep from hill to hill is still in my life. It is not a love similar to what I had with my dh. But it is great to have a companion like him. We help each other, we look after each other. To answer your question: yes it did help. This very simple life is my new normal now.

Great thread. Interesting. I never liked cooking much, he was the cook, and a good one too. I discovered that when you throw raw potatoes (cut in pieces) and Brussels sprouts (or any veg) and frozen sausages in a baking tin (add some oil and salt ), and bake that for half an hour in a preheated oven (200 degrees), you actually get a good and balanced meal with few dishes to wash. It tastes better than it sounds :-) Lunch is usually omelet and/or bread and/or soup. Breakfast is usually milk with muesli and a banana. Which make me think of the addiction I have developed after his death, and which I still have: apples. I eat too many of them. Now and then I do a cooking day. I cook 2 meals, each about 3 portions, and freeze that. On my cooking day I also make 2 loafs of bread, which I freeze as well. No bakery around, so I just have to make my own bread, which I enjoy more than cooking. And on my cooking day I also make a large quantity of soup. I have a cooking day about once every two weeks. After a while my freezer is filled with different dishes and soups, lots of choice. Every night at bedtime I take out what I am going to heat in the oven the next evening. (I have no microwave). I do enjoy the cooking days but I would hate to cook every day.

Am I right in guessing that most of us talk to our lost loved one? (I do) But how many of us believe that he can hear us, understand it, and maybe in a way talk back? (I wish I would but I don't)

Although it didn't come as soon as with you, I think I have had something similar. And there was lots of pain involved. It surely distracted from grieving. Looking backwards I was trying to fill in the gap of connection and meaning - things I still struggle with. I craved taking care of some one, I craved some one who would care of me. Anyway, I would like to send you this article that you might find interesting. Just replace the word " widows" with "widowers" :-) http://www.opentohope.com/why-some-widows-start-dating-soon-after-widowhood/

Thanks for posting the article. I am probably in a different phase than her, only 2 years out. But when I think about later, the future... I have never been afraid that having another man would ever feel like betraying him, or cheating. Surely he would want me to be happy, how could he possibly see it as something negative? He was always supportive of what I did... But I am afraid of what the author describes as the messyness of relationships with actual people, the hurt and sadness. There haven't been any messyness, hurt or sadness between dh and me. People who knew us used to say that they had never seen a better matching couple as us. Peope who did not know us, often thought that we just got together recently, not decennia ago. We were always talking, laughing, connecting. The only things I didn't like about him was that he hated DIY and snored. Since he died two years ago, I stepped into the wide scary world and traveled. I have never met as many people before as I did then. Many couples, many stories. I now have sort of established myself in a small community here, where everyone knows everyones history until generations ago. I was - and I still am- shocked when I found out how messy most relationships are, or were. I honestly had no idea, I hardly knew people in my old life. People seem to come together, then fight, then break up, to start all over again. Life long relationships - where people do not fight against each other, but work as a team together with eachother - are extremely rare. This is still hard to believe for me - was I really that unworldly? - but it seems to be confirmed with what I see and heard every day. I think I am the kind of person that finds connection with another person really important. The most important. But I will not look for it. I will not go online for it, and I will not move for it to another place with more suitable and available men - there are none of them where I am. My goal will be to try to be reasonably happy on my own. Not sure why I am writing this. I have just come out of a very dark and difficult winter where I could feel myself sinking deeper and deeper. It surely was the darkest period of all since he had died. I was just coming out of that. And today it is February 14, the day I met my husband for the first time.

Hi I don't think anything is wrong with you except for having lost a very dear, important, close loved one to death. I am sorry. While others might advize you to force yourself to go out and meet people, I personally do not think you should do that if you don't feel like it. I think many of us have become less interested in socializing. People are less important to myself too, but the few ones I do see, mean the world to me. Priorities are different now. Spending time on your own, knowing yourself well, giving attention to your own thoughts and needs, doing things you like, picking out a few very good friends who love you and so on might help to shape the new person you are bound to become. It hope this doesn't sound too woo-woo (wooly/feathery/dreamy,) that is not how I meant it. Next to being more introverted than I used to be, this is another change I have noticed in myself: I don't do things I don't like doing.

I have been widowed for 2 years, but you do not forget those things do you? In the first week after his death my sister - she knew how close my dh and I always had been - said three times that going through a divorce is so much worse than a bereavement. She got divorced herself 5 years ago. She tried to explain why, but I saw no point in doing a thing irrelevant as comparing two different things. In the first week, the worst week of my life! Three times! A month after his death, I went for Christmas to my parents, although I didn't feel like it. I just did it for them. When everyone had arrived - my siblings and their children - my mother stepped into the circle of chairs and said, smiling: " I am so glad everyone could make it and be here except for [one of her grandchildren] who is traveling..." I started crying and couldn't stop for the rest of the day and regretted having come. My parents never mention my dh although they loved him a lot. I have tried to talk to them, explaining that I love talking about him, that it is painful if they keep avoiding his name. I later heard that they have asked my brother if he could give me emotional support, as they couldnt. I know they mean well, they just don't know how to deal with this. They stem from a generation where emotions and problems were " swept under the carpet".

This topic is sooo interesting to me. I have been a ISFJ for years, when I was young I used to be an ESFJ. My dh was a INTP. So just like you, Maureen, and I agree with you that this is a perfect match. :-) Before his death, we were together on our own most of the time (we also worked together, no children), as that is what we loved doing. We didn't have a huge network around us, which was OK. However, he would definitely have been the more introverted of both of us and people who don't know me often mistake me for someone who is very sociable and extraverted. The months after his death were filled with legal battles which I had to fight on my own (with help of sollicitors etc) which left me completely exhausted. I hardly realized what had happened, no time to process all the blows I kept on getting, but still I had to proof the others to be wrong, which I eventually did yeey. At the same time, there were many issues with his stephmother who once again showed how evil she was, only now I was on my own to deal with that. So as soon as I could I left for a remote island where I still am, for the sake of my sanity. So here I am. Alone. I have made some good friends, but we don't see each other that much. I am definitely much more introverted than I have ever been. I don't mind being on my own - although at first it literaly made me panic (no one next to me, no one to care for, no one who takes care of me). I like working outside, without people around me. I do not have a television but I like playing with wool and my knittingmachine in the evening. I am not on facebook or other social media, but I like to read on Widda. What still strikes me, is that I seem to be unable to remember faces and names and relations between the few people that live here and the stories about them. I used to have an excellent memory and interest for those things. In general being among people drains me now. I cannot stand noise at all. We were together for 23 years and now I am alone since 2 years and I can still be surprised about the person that I am now, and the life I have. I miss him - that pain is always there, as you will all understand. But given the circumstances, it is not a bad life. It is something that I ask myself often: will I ever be less introverted again? Would I be wanting to live again in a city in the future? And there have been so many changes other than this - will I ever return to that person? Sorry to have made this so long...

Same here! Can't read anymore, don't like socializing anymore, and podcasts are hugely important now. I listen mostly to Love + Radio Death Sex and Money Strangers This American Life Terrible thanks for asking Heavy weight (fairly new , amazing, try it!) The story of my death ( From a funeral director ) I recently discovered Open to Hope, about gief and grieving, but it is not my cup of tea. I mention it because someone here might be interested.

Hi Mizpah Thanks. Yes I will stay, at least for the moment. I don't have much to go back to. And I do not want to start all over again on another place. No there is no pub here :-) but I do not need more people. I like my own company and I have friends who would give me help if I had a problem. Also since I am here, the women come together on Thursdays for spinning and knitting. I think at this moment what I do need is a purpose, something to live for, a goal. That would have been my study at the textile college - a path to follow during four years - but, as I surely will have mentioned, that is gone now. A good job would do - here is a shortage of care workers. And I would love to care for some one. Sadly, the organisation that matches that kind of offer and demand is very very dysfunctional and inefficient... I do have a structure/ routine. I go to the crabfactory for a couple of days a week. I go working on the croft (farm) on the other days - which I love. I take one day a week off, sometimes more. In the evenings, I am happy to be on my own. I have my spinning wheel and my knitting machine here. I have been encouraged to sell my knitwear, and who knows this might happen in the future. Hi Adley, When I came back home alone from the hospital where my favourite person had just died, I locked the door of our lovely house and I went away to my brothers place. He lives at the other side of the country. I have never gone back to our home. I left my brothers place 5 months and 1 week after that day. The decision itself was made in an instance after the thought had come up. Making a list with keywords what the place had to look like took 10 minutes. Picking the place took 2 or 3 days. I had no doubts about it. I didn't realize I would stay that long, though, I thought I would be back after the summer. I remember thinking: after a couple of months I will be more on top of this pain. Well... mmm... no not really. And especially not now, even if it is a bit more than 2 years after his death, I am not on top of it at all, and it seems worse than ever. It was good to read your story. Our stories are quite different, I think. You have children, even when they are grown, you have a family of your own. I haven't. I only have a brother and a sister, which I had hardly seen for decennia, each have busy families of their own. You have an affinity with rural life and farming, I hadn't. I hope you will see clear soon what path to take!

Hi Kate, Well that is good news. I wish you all the best. Let us know what you have decided. Don't be scared... Ask yourself the question: what is the worst possible thing that can happen? What do you have to lose? The worst thing has happened already. You have lost the most precious already. I also want to say that I spent very little money. In the very beginning I worked for bed and board. Later I worked for money, and paid part of that to the people who rented me a spare room. At the moment I earn enough to pay a (very small) house. Offcourse one of the things that I craved doing, was working very hard - not sure if that is what you want - with my hands. So no wonder that I didn't spend much money. And there are not many shops and hotels in the remote rural area where I am anyway :-) This self composed life that I lead since 1 year and 8 months, a menu with my very favorite things, was my attempt to make life worth living again, even without him. I really hope it will be good for you as well, and that it will give direction and meaning to your life.

Hi Adley Yes, please do tell us how you are doing. It might be useful for me, I might need it. The previous posts were written more than half a year a go. Meanwhile, I have crossed the 2 year aniversary. Things feel different now, but not better. I am wondering if other people can relate to this: for the first 2 years I was fighting hard everyday to survive his departure. Which I did. But now... I now have to learn how to deal with his lifelong absence. Does any one recognize this? It isn't easier. Lifelong is ...long. I am not doing well since the build up to his 2nd dead aniversary, which was end of November. Also the so called festive month of December was dark as ink. I am still struggling now, in January. I started studying at the textile college in September but quit after the first module because it was very disapointing. This took away my purpose for the next years, my reason to get up in the morning, a path to follow. I am still doing sheepwork and I still love it. But it is at this moment difficult to find an official job - which I need - currently I work at a crabfactory until I find something better. As a labourer, I can tell you that it is not the nicest of jobs. I moved out from my friends, I thought I was ready for that, and it was hard at the beginning to live on my own - no one asking about my day, no hug, no teasing or laughs, no meals together. I am used to it now but it was harder than I expected. Things went wrong with the man with the sheep - of course they did. He isn't used to contact with humans and reads signals completely wrong. I do not blame him, but being together was no option. So... having a hard time right now, and missing my other half contineously. However I am sure things will get better with the daylight that soon will come back - we have hardly seen any of that in the past months. There will be a nice job somewhere where I can make a difference. My friends haven't stopped loving me. The skies, the hills, the wind, the animals are wonderfull as ever. I still see no reason to go from here - and I wouldn't know whereto. I still aspire to have a simple, quiet and beautiful life. This is a good place for that. There has been an important positive change - I could never watch pictures of him because it hurted so much but since a couple of weeks I can. I like that :-) I am looking forward to hearing from you.

Thank you Canadiangirl. Good to read that you have plans. When the time is there, just do it. Because really anything is possible. You just have to do it. These were my secret weapons I have used daily on the island so I would survive the unbearable pain caused by losing him: 1. Doing hard physical labour so my body gets tired everyday 2. Looking for and finding beauty everyday. 3. Spending the day under an open sky everyday. 4. Laughing out loud everyday 5. Feeling the love from people around me everyday. This gives a good idea how my life looks like. I still stick to this list, though I feel better now. It is a good life I have now. I wouldn't want to change it. It is the best possible life without him.