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Should I go gentle...


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((((Fleur)))))

 

Oh I totally get this. I joined Ywbb in 2008...Now an oldie but not a with the group that started 5 years earlier on the board. I felt sad when ywbb closed too....all the history...my early days I would read all the old threads in Special Circunstances dating back to the beginning. The old threads helped me so much. And yet...a part of me was a little relieved that my history (and this is selfish) with all it's warts and mistakes will soon be lost in cyberspace forever.

 

I kinda look at the new board as...for newer widows to take the reins and run it, contribute most to it...but us oldies to kinda stick around to help get it off the ground as well. I do find myself on here less...but especially with the Special Circunstances--want to help. The past few years I didn't post there much because well...I made peace with the suicide. But my heart breaks when I think of a desperate newbie who loses a spouse to suicide and there aren't many threads for them or people answering. So...the past few years on the board--it was socializing, dating stuff....planning bagos...but I am not going to respond or post much "fluff" on this board.

 

Professional widows-it is just gross. I know of most the ones I am sure you are talking about. Good grief. I deleted them from FB when I started seeing the "make a career out of being a widow" start to transpire. Yeah...they will never admit it...but it's exactly what they are doing (as well as stroking there ego). Newbies-Stay away from these. Phony phony phony. But I tend to cut thru bullshit and can spot a Narcissist a mile away.

 

Please stay.

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Im really glad you made this heartfelt post. I am of the same mind on professional widows,  the organizatios and shameless cross promotion. You ladies just say it nicer.

the loss of the board  was a shock. The thought of the next widow  being with out it is unthinkable. I wasnt really steadily active but when i saw efforts were bring made immediately to make another place, I wanted to help in ways I can. Moderating is not controlling.  People were so shocked and distressed, we wanted them to feel welcomed, get the board up, running, in place and populated. And yes, safe.the admins worked around the clock technically, we tried to help populate and look for privacy issues and tweaks and have content ready so people might feel hopeful. Im moderating boards where I am by no means a subject matter expert. As always, thats up to the membership. Ive answered some transition posts and tried to start a few threads in cheerleader fashion but Im not in charge or invested in anything other than helping this amazing quickfire endeavor we want to stand the test of time. We have been working by consensus. If any of us falls out of line I am sure our vocal population will make it known.

Your feedback is really important for our admins to hear. Mods too. These issues will continue to be addressed after this rush period settles down.

many "vets"say they may not post again. That's fine.but marking your place and having it readymajes sense to me, we want to know theres a place. It's part of why we feel loss. If I learned anything it is that my needs and desires change.

i hope everyone does what feels best for them at any particular time. No judgement.

hugs all.

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Kmouse, I am especially happy to see you pop back in. I hope you know how much it meant when you reached out to me after I had my first dust-up on the board. I like hearing from you.

 

You're one of my favoritist people in the wid world...you have an awesome soul, LB. I was hunting up your name the minute I landed. :)

 

K

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I am 27 months out from the worst day in my life. When I found ywbb, I spent hours reading, and though I found affirmation of my "normalcy" from the similar painful experiences of the other new widows, I found the most comfort in reading the posts of all of you "veteran" widows. Your words of reassurance were like no other balm for my pain. Nothing, other than the occasional  hurtful flame throwing on the YWBB, disappointed me more than seeing a decline in the posts from the veterans over the last several months. I have been so comforted to see you all back here---names I eagerly looked for in those early days. I sincerely hope that you don't leave---I think you may underestimate the positive impact you have made on many and the hope you bring to so many going through the darkest days of their lives. And I do not mean that in a dramatic way at all. When I say that YWBB was a lifeline for me, I am largely referring to the posts of all of you long-timers. Thank you so much for coming back when this community needs you the most and please do not leave us now.

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I think getting dissuaded by the change in forum would be unfortunate.  Yeah, the familiarity of the old board was comforting.  But it was never that (or shouldn't have been).  It was the WORDS, the sentiments, the freedom to express, the cameraderie and support.  And that is transferable.  It exists here, or will, and is more likely to do so with more members from all stages.  I don't think it has to be a choice between being a super-active, recognizable-name, Board-leader type and not coming at all.  Reading sometimes and writing sometimes when it feels right doesn't have to be a big all-or-nothing decision.  Lending a bit of support here and there, and taking from this place what you need when you need it - as my Simon used to say: "It's not that serious."  I say take it as it comes.  I try to remember that the things I see as "taking" (expressing my sadness, etc.) is actually sometimes "giving," because other people may feel the same and either not realize it or not realize it's "normal." 

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I've just read all the posts with interest. I joined YWBB in 2007, practically lived on it for a long time, had breaks, but if I was upset about anything, back I'd fly, to my place of safety.

I also remember looking to the 'further-out' wids to try and make sense of everything that had happened to me, so I would be happy to pop in and out if it's useful (and might have a post or two of my own when things aren't going well!)

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As a widow, who just hit the one year anniversary today, I dearly hope that you all will continue to be a part of this community.  I have often taken comfort from the wisdom of veteran widow(er)s.  Your willingness to share your stories and your experiences has often given me hope, when I needed it, and allowed me to feel that I wasn't a complete lunatic, when I thought my world had fallen apart and no one could possibly understand.

 

I realize that time moves on, and that some of you may no longer feel the need to post often, but when you do, there are some of us, who are truly listening and holding onto your words, like a lifeline.

 

THIS. Yes. Please. You never know where the seeds you throw out will sprout. Those who are further out than me have been, and will continue to be, symbols of hope-- I need to see that life beyond now is possible, and I know I'm not the only one.

 

As far as moderating... I confess, I haven't really done anything, except read and read some more. I'm not an expert and I have no claim to any great insights or qualifications. I just want to help however I can. I'm a relative newbie, not even a year out yet, and my journey gives me no more authority than anyone else's. I still need this place, I need you all, and I'm not shy about saying so.

 

Hugs, you guys. We're all been a bit traumatised over the past several days. I think we do better together, but that's just my 2 cents.

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Guest fleur

I am going to start answering those of you that were so thoughtful to post in between work breaks tonight.  I'll admit it's going take a while.  :)  Losing a bunch of unexpected time this weekend has me catching up.

 

anniegirl - thank you for your note.  I do have a few important posts to make - it will just take me some to get them done. 

 

marjoe - Positive thinking can be a great thing but people live in a variety of circumstances and with different means, and unfortunately not every problem can be willed away.

 

BrokenHeart2 - Thank you. One of the things I have to come to accept in my widowhood is that there are things for which we will never have an answer.  It sucks but it is.

 

Ginger - Its really great of you to speak up, I so appreciate it.  It was hard for me to make my post.

 

Rob, I know how important the chat room was for me and I  think its a really good thing to that its been set up and the instructions revised.  I wonder if its because people get so used to have something there, that they forget that someone made it all happen and don?t even think to say thank you.  Cheer up mate - I think a lot of ?almost veteran? board members are feeling a bit bruised just now.

 

About the bago, I can tell you that I would have been interested but the timing doesn?t work.  You might want to rethink the dates because in May most kids aren?t out of school yet (even for babysitting if there don?t come) and most of the trails aren?t open for hiking yet. I mean go to Colorado and not climb a mountain?

 

Mancino - I hope that you are doing well.  Did you ever see Rosie?s Valentine again? 

 

Marian1953 - You responded to my very first post on the board, (now too I guess :) ).  You?ve been a source of support and balance for a long time now and have been very much appreciated. 

 

Munsen - Welcome back.  I guess time will tell what course we will take.

 

iisrbleu - thanks.  I am not much of a drama queen either even it might seem so now. :)

 

kmouse - Its funny, being stuck at home and unable to sleep for almost two years, I don?t know what I would have done without all the ?salty nut and assless chaps entertainment? :)  I learned to laugh again at the YWBB, gosh what a great thing!  Sometimes I do think its hard because unlike before, we are no longer swimming around in the deepest, darkest, bowels of grief but trying to forge a good life the best way we know how.  Still, we have our moments.

 

lcoxwell - Your love and loyalty towards your dear Kenneth shines through your postings.  I am glad that you have found someone with whom you get to enjoy a bit of living with and I hope it goes well for you.  I also hope that your health issues are soon resolved.  You really seem to be a kind soul. 

 

"allowed me to feel that I wasn't a complete lunatic, when I thought my world had fallen apart and no one could possibly understand.?  I felt exactly the same way after I joined the board and is why I will try and help do what was done for me in this context here, at least for a little while.

 

Simi Red - Its really nice to have you here.  I have thought about about you many times.  "However, I did lurk.. cause like kmouse says, "I still have cards in the deck to deal with.?  Well I sure hope you've been able to reshuffle the deck for a better hand, you deserve it.  And I really think that you have some important perspective to offer here.

 

Wheelerswife - You know I wondered why I still read the board and everyone else seemed to be just fine.  Come to find out, there were lots and lots of people reading, i just didn?t realise it. 

 

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Fleur,

Thank you for posting this. I have to say that the saddest thing for me with YWBB ending is the wisdom and experience of the members who were there long before me. They would simplify things down in a way my emotional brain could understand. I always appreciate people who do that, as I feel I articulate poorly. I had been lurking for a long time on the old board, so when I did pop in, no one really knew me. I was never in the "in" crowd and never went to bagos, so most didn't know me. I can't say I was going to leave the old boars for a while, but when I heard they were shutting down I went into panic mode. I was incredibly sad. Just really sad. Not two of my favorite emotions.

 

I was so glad some people stepped up. I wondered quietly how the new moderators would moderate. Some of them are friends, so what happens if you have a run in with one of them or their friends? It left me unsettled a bit, and still does. I am hoping it will all work out.

 

I have to say that I have been SOOOO incredibly happy to aee older wids posting on this new forum. MissingJoan, Jill, Mokie, Munsen, and even older ones I did not know existed. Thank you to all of you. You have made the transition a bit easier. And all of you, please stay.

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How nice to read through this thread and see so many familiar names!!  I have to admit, I have tried poking back around the old board recently (I haven't really been a regular poster in about 3-1/2 years) and I wouldn't see many people I knew, and didn't know if anyone cared to hear from someone they didn't recognize.  The closing of the old board made me sad, though, because it, and the chat room, were such a lifeline to me in those early days when I couldn't sleep.  I've made wonderful real-life friends from the board, met my new husband through the board, my board friends are some of the first people I contact when we're traveling back home.  I wasn't sure about joining the new board, but I know some of the creaters in person, and know they are good people, and I want it to succeed and be out there when new wids go looking.

 

It's hard to keep up right now, as we're vacationing and I just have my iPhone, but I'll be checking in more often when we get back home and I can use my laptop... The same one I bought and found the old board with.

 

And yeah, the logo?  Awesome, isn't it?  I have the t-shirt (actually, a tank top) too.

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OSAAT, I was never in the "in" crowd either but interestingly a lot of those people are now friends of mine. Moderating has its limits but better to have some than none.

 

looktothesky - I am looking forward to being able to drop an "f" bomb at some point in the future!

 

mokie - I don't think I was actively posting when you arrived but I remember you. Good to "see" you.

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Fleur

I will second or third the thought that its important to stay. We did meet so long ago at a Ft Lauderdale bago in 2010. Makes me miss Raymond just thinking about it.

I dont post very often but still read on those difficult nights. Sometimes reach out to those who might live close to me.  I am at 5.5 years out and think our perspective is so essential to share with other newer wids, even if it is only sporadically.

Glad to hear you are doing well and still coming here.

 

Erin

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BrokenHeart2,

 

The one place where I never commented even as a newbie was the newbie section.

 

I know that some farther out wids would go in there and post. Tell their stories to give encouragement but I always felt that the first six months was a club within the club. A place where people just needed to feel and rage and vent and cry with people who were in the thick of it. No pressure or judgement or feeling like that had to put on a face for anyone.

 

But that's just me. And I am not warm and fuzzy enough with my words. Can't make them read like the hugs that people are needing.

 

If I saw a thread that no one had replied to, I would read it and send a PM but that's about as far into that room as I ventured.

 

I remember reading comments from BAGers about how they couldn't go into that section because it was like digging up scars. I didn't feel that back then. I just felt inadequate. But I get it now because the rawness really does hit trigger points that I have learned to leave alone.

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Professional widowers seems like an oxymoron, but they exist. I can think of at least two (and one is a YWBB alum) who've made some money off it at least part-time and/or achieved "fame".

 

But my uncle, Mom's older brother, stumbled into a widower "business" when my aunt died. He became a gigolo. A serial one but over the years, it's paid off quite well. His current partner is much younger than he is. She's in her 70's and he is nearing 90. But on my Mom's side of the family, clearing 100 isn't out of the realm of possibilities, so he may outlive her too.

 

You can turn anything (it seems) into a career.

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Guest fleur

I am still responding, just slow?

 

@kpgct-

"Maybe those of us from a previous era, those of us who benefitted from what those before us shared, have a new role to play. If we step away now, even more of that collective knowledge gets lost...and that, I think, would be a terrible legacy.?

 

I know, I know.

 

@MissingSquish -

"because when else could we meetup in NYC on a clear summer night? ?  I know and I am so glad that we got out that night. :) 

 

 

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@Jess and others

 

First off, thank you for all of the work you have done to transition this community!

 

The problem isn?t that my heart isn?t in it, in fact it may be in it too much. 

 

Like you, I took comfort from the words of those farther out.  I have been searching for a post for days that encouraged me and just can?t find it.  I straight away gravitated towards the social sections and just needed to know that one day I would have a life worth living again.  I am so happy to say that I now do and my life is no longer defined by my widowhood. That being  said, I still meet some hiccups in the road that are consequential to having been widowed. 

 

I guess there were pretty much two main veins of thought in my original post: the bruised part (which is why I purposely posted in Beyond Active Grieving) and the very honest question of whether or not its worth the personal price I pay to try and help.  I am trying to tell myself it is but based on some past experience?.

 

You see, I had sent pm a while back to a poster who seemed just about ready to give up on life.  I did this because, we did at one point, lose a member to suicide who had expressed similar thoughts.  The whole event had really rocked me as well as others.  Further, it would have really done a number on me if we?d had a repeat event. 

 

I wanted this person to know that it gets better and somehow life does become worth living again - even if it doesn?t seem possible yet.  Unfortunately, suicidal ideation is very common in widowhood and many experience it.  A completely taboo subject in normal society and rarely mentioned in books, not everyone realises that.  In the early days, its not necessarily easy to see the distinction between, ?I really want the pain to stop? and there is no point of going on and I was trying to help her see that. To just hang on because the only way out is through.

 

Unfortunately, my message wasn?t very well received.  She was essentially mad at me for writing and most definitely wanted nothing to do with the notion that life would get better.  She just wanted to live in her own pain and it was essentially selfish and unthoughtful of me for me to hope she would want to do otherwise.  Of course her response stung me but I doubt she realised that.  At that moment, it was made all too clear to me that not everyone was like me and not everyone wanted to hear what I have to say no matter how well intentioned.  Although I had not been posting a lot at that point, I pretty much stopped posting altogether after that incident.

 

And finally, how can we post about anything that is meaningful to us that might be potentially disturbing to people less far out?  To the people that are wondering oh my ? if they are still feeling like this at  X years out, its either: 1) What is wrong with them, or 2) Is that all I have to look forward to?

 

 

 

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@Jess ?continued

 

For sure, I am not worried about my posts being moderated for profanity, I am usually pretty tame and never even swore before my husband died. I am more concerned with people shying away from real issues.

 

In response to your post, I don?t think that moderating the board in extreme cases is a bad thing.  Further, you are very right in saying that this place should be a widow safe-haven of sorts, something that was violated on occasion on the old site. However, I do think it would be a good idea to separate the personal and administrative roles on this site.  That way people could contact Admin or a Moderator, not Jess, Justin, or Jenn, all of whom are relatively newly widowed and would normally only be treated with special care.  There is simply a level of hierarchy imposed whether intentional or not - it's bad enough old timers have had to become newbies again (I am expressing the thoughts of a few others here too). :)  Plus, I am sure that I am not the only one that will have things to say to you as an Administrator that I would feel extremely uncomfortable saying to you as a person - personal and professional are completely different things.  Which is probably why its taken me two days to make this post. :) 

 

Thank you for at least getting the stars off of the moderator avatars and also for getting the site off of the ProBoard server - I am pretty sure we would have been kicked off already had we attempted to stay. :)

 

p.s. Trust me, I will not always write this much or bother you - these last days are very exceptional.

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And finally, how can we post about anything that is meaningful to us that might be potentially disturbing to people less far out?  To the people that are wondering oh my ? if they are still feeling like this at  X years out, its either: 1) What is wrong with them, or 2) Is that all I have to look forward to?

 

The potential for reaching out to provoke something we didn't intend has always been the inherent problem of boards like this and back in the day, I had more than my share of provoking and being stung when I thought I was helping.

 

I think the difference for me now is that being farther out, I am really more aware of my potential to say something wrong b/c I am not close to my own widowhood anymore.

 

I am still a widow but it's not central to my being or my daily life.

 

That's why I stay away from the 1-6 section and I really try to not apply my situation to any but those I lived.

 

Perhaps it's just recognizing that being widowed is sometimes not enough common ground in some instances?

 

I share your worry, Fleur. I think it's what makes lurkers of most of us farther out.

 

I don't want to be here too much as time goes forward or become "that widow". The one who pontificates and I know that I don't always walk that line well.

 

This is so new b/c I didn't stay as I "aged" on the YWBB as an active member and it goes against a core idea I've always had that widowhood is a journey best traveled with peers.

 

But I really want Widda to take root because I loathe most of the other options out there that have morphed widowhood into just another niche business for bloggers, speakers, self-help folks. A way to sell books and merchandise (did you get the t-shirt? we have mugs!! there's an app for that.)

 

Maybe we just need to trust - that like the old-timers before us - we will know when it is time to fade away completely?

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p.s. Trust me, I will not always write this much or bother you - these last days are very exceptional.

 

Fleur, the first part made me chuckle b/c I have been telling Jess I wouldn't write anything much since the proboard and I am totally sucking at keeping my keyboard silent.

 

But, yeah, exceptional days and more exceptional from a personal perspective because there was a time when I couldn't have cared less if the board fell off the face of the Internet.

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Guest fleur

@cmf, @lovedroses, @AC, @LisaPop, @Shawn823 , @alwazalone

I think I am just working through some internal thoughts here but putting it all out there, I am processing.  For some reason I need to do this.

One of the greatest things I?ve gained from the boards are some truly valued friendships and laughter.  And yes, to me it would be a tragedy for others to have to miss that same opportunity.  Or to make some really devastating mistakes because no one had the knowledge or courage to help them examine their situation from another perspective. 

 

@canadiangirl, @AC

thanks for the thoughts.  Monkey?s in a chain eh, I guess that about sums it up. :)

 

@littlebirde - It was really nice to see your name again.  You soon will have achieved Vet status yourself.  And its really nice to know when people matter.

 

@sugarbell - we need good spirited honest people to be willing to cut through the bullshit. You have some real hard-earned and valuable experience that not many are willing to share.

 

@mizpah - its not just the change but I hope to get over it. :)  Congratulations on your baby!

 

@Shawn823 - "Nothing, other than the occasional  hurtful flame throwing on the YWBB, disappointed me more than seeing a decline in the posts from the veterans over the last several months."

That?s really good to know.

 

@Just Jen

- "I need to see that life beyond now is possible, and I know I'm not the only one.? 

 

It is Jen, I promise it is and you are not the only one.  I was quite worried about you for a while and am glad to see the change in your posting tone of late. 

 

@OSAAT, I think the majority of people that are actually on the board are not part of the ??n? crowd.  Many people just read because they don?t have the energy to respond or think some things are better left unsaid.  Plus, the ??n?crowd changes all the time.

 

And just in case someone is feeling left out because they don?t have or get any pm?s, there are plenty of people that don?t get those either. 

 

@looktothesky - K, I think you are pretty harmless you just don?t always know when to call Uncle.  Glad to see you.

 

@mokie - "I wasn't sure about joining the new board, but I know some of the creaters in person, and know they are good people, and I want it to succeed and be out there when new wids go looking."

 

I was so happy to see that logo up there, it gave me a sense that everything would be alright.

I love that you are here and am glad you no longer have dialup - well at least no normally. :)

 

 

@GoodyTwoSchooz - Really nice to see you here too!  I hope you are well. "We did meet so long ago at a Ft Lauderdale bago in 2010. Makes me miss Raymond just thinking about it. ?

Boy, was that a fun Bago!  Meeting people from here was just about the best therapy I could have ever imagined.  A bit of the part that hurts right now is that a lot of the friends from those days won?t be back.  When I was going through my old posts I came across the one where Raymond was dying.  It really made my heart hurt.  Part of me being here now is to help pass the torch so that all of Ed?s, Raymond?s, and EggPal?s foundational efforts can be carried forward.  It will take me some time but I am working on it. 

 

@Barney - I am sorry but I am not spelling your username with an accent.  No, you are not a young widow anymore.  You do have some experience that could be helpful should you be a bit willing to make some value added posts.  Are you really serious about not knowing any of the ?professional? widows?  Do you have blinders on or are you just being sarcastic?  Or are you thinking of becoming one yourself because you?ve been around so long? :)

 

 

 

YEAH! I am caught up!  Gosh I hope I didn?t miss anyone!

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We're part of a generation that was beginning to have valued veteran status over at YWBB, but in the transition I feel like we'll quickly be relegated to the forgotten generation because we aren't the pillars of before or the sassy newbies of now. Where do people like us belong? Are we still valuable to this new board? Can this new incarnation be a touchstone for us?

 

Ok, speaking as a relative newbie, this entire thread is the most astonishing thing I've seen yet on ANY board. Not to come off as a groupie (too late), but the thoughts and insights you folks are expressing are not only profound but grammatically correct. There clearly is a lot to be said for being a seasoned veteran. Let television devalue wisdom for immaturity; here, it can be respected. And every word of this thread commands the deepest respect.

 

Do with that what you will. But you don't have to leave on my account.

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This is very interesting and I'm glad we can all be honest with one another.  The way the YWBB's closure was communicated and handled is appalling, no question about that.  We have so many vulnerable wids around and it's clear from many of the recent posts that people are grieving the loss of the board, as well as their spouses. I, however, am not one of them. Shock horror.

 

I still check the board every day but my frequency of posts has been dramatically decreasing and starting to be limited just to the bago section and social encounters (mainly because I can't talk to my friends in IRL about how horny I am and that I fancy a man!).

 

About a month ago, I found out that my health insurance will no longer cover my therapy sessions.  Initially I was thinking, "what the hell am I going to do?" but in a very short space of time, I realised that, actually, I am equipped with so many coping skills that I know I can "go it alone".  I feel confident about that.  I kinda feel the same about YWBB.  Sure, waves of grief will come and go, but I know that as a sister who lost her brother 10 years ago, I no longer define myself as the girl with the dead brother.  I don't think of him every day.  I suspect I will get to this point in my grief for my wife, as awful as that sounds because I loved her so much and she was such a character.

 

When I found out the news about YWBB, I was, as per usual, drunk.  I'd had about 10 posh cocktails, blown ?130 on the Amex and was dancing around in my heels with a bunch of famous burlesque stars who are friends of friends in trendy East London.  A bit bizarre, but totally normal for a creative 28 year old on a Friday night.  And as surprised as I was, I looked at the message about YWBB and then tucked my Iphone back in my purse.  I didn't stop dancing.  I didn't stop drinking.  I didn't stop flirting with a very prominent anti-death penalty campaign leader. I just continued as I was.  The path I'm on is a pretty good one.  OK, it's not the healthiest, but i'm just a reckless 28 year old!

 

I will not be going back to the old board to copy and paste my posts.  I have moved past that - I don't need a reminder of the pain.  it would be self torture, like putting on my wedding dress, playing the song we had at our wedding and looking at the thousands of pictures of us together. I avoid that.  Of course I still grieve my wife though but a lot of the emotions I feel are down to being a survivor of suicide.

 

It's excellent that we've been able to congregate in this new bit of the web and I will continue to participate.  I agree that it's valuable to get some pearls of wisdom from you wids who are further out.  Please post occasionally.

 

I guess my motivations for sticking around (of course I'll need a pick me up every now and then) are a) I need to talk about sex sometimes, and b) I think that as a young lesbian widow, I should be visible.  There are no active lesbian widow resources and should more join this club, I do want them to know they're not alone, to be able to google and find something.  I don't think being a lesbian widow means I face any particularly different emotions to everyone else but in the early days, I know I felt totally disheartened that I couldn't find any resources.  That was until I stumbled across YWBB and found a gay/lesbian thread. I have started a blog about my widowhood, being a visible lesbian is one motivator for this, but I am increasingly finding it being read and liked by non-widowed people.

 

I refuse to be a career widow.  My every facebook post will not be about grief.  I went to Camp Widow last year.  It was awful and great simultaneously.  I'll be the bitch who says that.  It was GREAT to meet YWBB'ers there and, sure, I cried but as I watched other widows nod like obedient disciples at a half hour long key note using a cement mixer as an extended metaphor for coping with grief, I thought to myself, "this is total bollocks and I don't want to live like this." I see value for some in it, but not me.

 

So where am I going with this?  Well, not sure.  Basically saying, I know I can live without the board and realising this shows me how much I've progressed in my grief.

 

I'll admit to be slightly scared of the backlash from saying this though...

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