Being the Only Single Parent - and Sticking Out Like a Sore Thumb

[Captains wife]

My husband and I moved to a very small town in MA, bought a house and then 2.5 months later he died in a boating accident. I am in a great school district, have a great nanny helping us and the town is very pretty with lots of nature and great for raising kids. The problem is that my demographic stands out - I am a 40 something working mom, widow with a toddler. This town is primarily 2 parent families with multiple kids plus many of the mothers stay at home. I have worked very hard to meet people in town, socialize, get my son into local kids activities but it's been tough as this town is very clique-y and admittedly we have no roots here, like most people who live here do. I went to the local yacht club's family day last night with my son. We had fun, especially my son, which is what is most important but I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. EVERYONE was coupled up and since I was the only single parent there and given my son is 4 I needed to stay outside with him and the other kids to keep an eye on him. No mingling for mama. But I felt self conscious, sitting out there "alone" and even the newer couples to the club barely talked to me, even a few people I knew didn't come out to say hi (as they were too busy at the bar chatting). I had a few of the guys I know come over to say hi, ask how I was but not the ladies. And it would have been nice if one person offered to look after my son for 2 minutes so I could get us drinks/food. (Luckily a kind staff member came out and helped). I guess part of this post is me whining but also to ask if anyone else has felt similar- as single parents in situations where everyone else is coupled up. Most of the time, these days,  this dynamic has bothered me less, but it did hit me at last night's outing.

[canadiangirl]

I understand this and I don't think it is whining.  I live in a city but the demographic is as you describe in my neighbourhood.  I only know one divorced parent at the school who avoids me like the plague and no other single parent families.  Many stay at home moms and people with their own companies so they have more flexibility than your typical 9-5 household.  To be honest, this first 18 months I have avoided school family functions (like a family dance) in part because it would be so isolating- and my child did not want to go in any case.  It doesn't usually bug me because I am too busy to care...but it still is a lonely thing when I have time to reflect.

[Trying]

I think it can be very isolating when you live in a small town. As your son gets a little older and more involved in school, sports and activities it will be a little easier to connect with people through that.  DH and I were often split up with kids in different directions and many other families are too so at those things I don't feel so set apart.  However, there are those family events when I stick out like a sore thumb and it really does suck.

 

Working mom, widowed mom, mom of a toddler, that's all very isolating in a family day event.  I think it's awesome that you went and put up with your own feelings so your son could have fun.

[Sugarbell]

 

Oh I get this too well.

 

When my kids were all smaller it was much worse.

 

I agree with Trying as he gets a little older it will ease up some. Plus since you're in a little town-people will get used to and comfortable with you as the solo Mom...(I know it's pitiful we have to worry about there comfort with our situation --but that seems to be life in a small town)

 

I remember that the men were initially nicer to me than the wives. Again it will ease up. 4 is still young and your son probably isn't involved in many activities/friendships yet.

 

It's hard...it's isolating at times....We get it...it will get better. (((hugs)))

[momtokam]

I understand this as well. I'm 50 with 3 kids, no one is a single parent family in our area or schools. Yes, I feel I stand out and it's hard. My kids are older 10-16 but I feel many of the same things. Like Trying said, it really does suck sometimes.

 

You are doing all the right things. I often wonder if it's more our own perception because sometimes I think others are really oblivious and don't realize you can't leave him alone to go inside and get food. They don't have to deal with this day in and day out so they are clueless.

[klim]

I think momtokam may have a point. They might be blind to the situation.

 

I think next time you find yourself in a similar situation, you should put on your brave face,be bold and ask someone for what ever it is you need.

 

Of course whether you can do this probably depends on your personality but I have upped my game in this department ,getting brave and doing things I never would have before and most of the things have worked out.

 

Good luck  and I think people are right school age children will open up different opportunities.

 

 

[MissingMyJon]

I also understand the feeling like you are the only single parent in your area.  I don't know anyone that is single, except my ex husband (from my first marriage). .  The divorce rate is at 50%.  I wonder how it is I don't know another single adult.

 

I have 4 kids with a large age range (3-17), and I am constantly attending school/day care related events.  I do feel like I stand out most of the time.  It does suck.

 

And I also agree with momtokam.  Most people are just wrapped up in what they are doing, and it doesn't occur to them to offer help.  One of my daughters has baton twirling, and they have all day competitions.  I am always toting the younger two everywhere, and they are stuck at those competitions.  Everyone in my daughter's group knew me pre-widowed, and yet they never offer to help me.  Even just offering to watch one of them for a few minutes so I don't have to haul both kids with me for one of those emergency bathroom breaks would be wonderful.  They are all just pre-occupied with the competition and their own families. 

 

Sending you hugs.

[Guest Lost35]

Captains wife, 

 

I really wish I would have been able to help.  I would have watched your little one so you could have a moment of, "normal", because it is just so necessary, sometimes.

 

Our first move was to a small town of two-parent families where, mostly, one parent stayed home.  It was fine, except for pre-school, where we stood out much as you described.  It was uncomfortable and a physical reminder of how we both were different.

 

We've since moved to a bigger town and the new preschool was like "Sesame Street" will all sorts of different family arrangements.  It was a breath of fresh air. 

 

I hope you find either; someone to help watch your child when you need it, or a new space to make your life in, away from other textbook families. 

 

Hopefully, you can find both where you are now.  You are a good Mamma. 

 

Take care,

 

-L.

[Eddienhp]

Yes, yes, yes. I feel the same. Absolutely. I was just going to open a topic on a very similar thought. I am so tired of being "different". My daughter got invited to a neighbor's mid week, afternoon birthday party. She can't go because I work full time and she is in daycare for the summer. I politely declined and stated the reason why. The response was "let me know if anything changes". Seriously?! WTF is supposed to change? Am I going to win the lottery so I can be a SAHM? I am the outsider at the bus stop. All the ladies are SAHM or work part time. They have no clue what my life is like. They chat it up about all the afterschool activities their kids go to. My daughter wonders why she can't go to dance, gymnastics, karate, etc. We don't have the money and I can't get her there. During the school year, my kids go to aftercare because, you guessed it, I work. Trust me, I have no disrespect for SAHMs. My life would be so much easier if I was one. I do have an issue with someone who is not sensitive and can't try to think what someone else is going through. They are clueless and disrespectful talking about their afternoon plans together while my daughter is there listening to it. I use facebook for business only but I still see everyone posting pictures of their great summer activities. How I wish I could take time off to do some things with my kids. My days off are spend attending to my son's special needs appointments, school meetings, etc. I struggle to maintain a house, business, kids, and whatever else comes my way. I am so sick of it. Actually today I am really pissed about it. It freaken sucks. I was supposed to be the part time working mom. Life played a trick on me. I have no choice but to accept it. Sore thumb and all.

 

I try hard to give my kids the best life possible. It's bad enough they can't have their dad. I hope I do impart good life lessons in the small amount of time I do get to freely spend with them.

 

On another note, through a government program I was able to hire help for my son with autism. One of the young adults I hired is a man who is very nice looking. I am tired of my friends making a big deal of that especially in front of him. We are all old enough to be his mother. It is inconsiderate and inappropriate. I didn't hire him for his looks. I hired him for his ability to work with my son. Am I the only person who has the decency to treat this young man as a person?

 

I am sick of rude people!!!!! ............end rant.

 

Hugs to you Captain's Wife. I guess the best thing for you to know is you are not alone.

Eileen

 

 

[luvmy2babies]

I have several situations in my life that make me feel like this. 

 

School is a big one.  Last year I put my daughter in a charter school located half-way between home and my work.  We live in one city, their school is in another, my job is in another.  Three cities call connected by a highway.  We have a parent facebook page; so, I know there are a lot of stay at home moms?way more than I ever encountered previously.  They ask the parents to commit to a certain number of volunteer hours a year (20 if you have 1 child, 30 if you have 2 or more); but assured us there would be plenty of opportunities to get them.  I figured okay, 2 hours a month (3 once my son goes).  I should be okay with that.  They were going to have multiple committees set up and going to meetings was also going to count. 

 

Well, it was a new school last year and it took a while to set up a lot of the tasks.  For a good while most of what was available required coming to the school midday or early afternoon, some tasks involved doing this for 5 straight days.  And that committee?  I joined one and after taking a survey of everyone?s availability they set up the meeting times for mid-mornings during the week.  January came and I had 1 hour to my name.  An hour everyone got for taking a 1st quarter survey.  It was complicated by the fact my son was still in preschool in the city we live in which kept me from doing a few different things.  Added on was no spouse to share the load.

 

Fortunately my job has some flexibility.  I used an extended lunch hour with a combination of coming in early and staying late to volunteer in the lunch room.  I logged the 20th hour on the last day of school.  Granted I did lose some along the way due to bad weather school closings, illness and work conflicts. 

 

It doesn?t help when people proclaim how easy it is to get hours and they just can?t understand how anyone would find it difficult.  People are nice enough; but some people?s circles are so limited it doesn?t come to mind that everyone?s situation isn?t the same and they open their mouths or hit the keyboard to reveal it.  I remember there was an orientation we had to attend and they suggested we not bring the children (lot of important information, focus needed).  There was some grumbling and as a result a lot of ?What?s the problem? One parent goes, the other stays home??  I just kept telling myself this is a good school and I was doing what was best for my children and the discomfort would be worth it. 

 

They have their issues too I guess.  There was a drop-in place across from the school and that is where my two ended up during that orientation (fortunately I had just gotten paid).  It?s beautiful, the staff is nice, it has webcam and ended up being my afterschool care. A lot of the rumbling was from people who had never left their child with anyone other than the ? day preschool and their spouse was working late or there was, ?But we both need to be there??.  I guess that's nice if you have it.  Even when dh was alive I went to this stuff alone.  I tell you I look at some people, roll my eyes and think to myself, Please God don't let anything happen to her husband.  Hugs to all.

 

[Missmybecky]

I really understand this problem, but it is even different for me. As a single dad with kids I find it very hard to fit in. Casual relationships and shallow conversation is fine, but if I try to become closer others and make friendly relationships it becomes difficult. Some of this is my perception and my personality type but, I don't fit in with the married couples to well nor do I fit in with groups of single moms and there are no single dads that are full time parents like me that I know about. This is something that I did not expect, but it is something that like so many other things that have come up in the last 2.5 years, I have had to figure out how to deal with it. 

[Guest TooSoon]

This is the story of my life and I'm going to be that only only parent in a few short hours at my daughters swim meet. Just wanted to say I SO get it.

 

Edited to add: everyone sure was interested in me though the day I showed up at the pool with my British boyfriend.....

[ieh21]

Yeah, that is not easy at all. Especially with younger children, on the one hand they give you something to do, on the other, they isolate you in social functions. It does get a lot easier as they age and you can actively partake in social activities rather than standing by witnessing others having fun.

 

 

[Sugarbell]

This is the story of my life and I'm going to be that only only parent in a few short hours at my daughters swim meet. Just wanted to say I SO get it.

 

Edited to add: everyone sure was interested in me though the day I showed up at the pool with my British boyfriend.....

 

Yeah....I find that aggravating. The one time I was "reinvited" to the NYE party of the old couple friends was during my 6 month joke of a mess in 2011. I was an utter train wreck-but I had a man...so I was acceptable now. That's when I realized how shallow my old couple friends were.

 

And just recently started taking B (guy friend) to baseball tournaments...and everyone is now sitting around me interested. It's rather amusing actually.

[Captains wife]

Thank you all, really appreciate your feedback. Widow-dom is a very lonely life sometimes. I have been thinking long and hard about moving closer to or to the City and the key reason is to get away from this cookie cutter community. But, on the other hand, it is a great environment for my son (great public school, private school for when he is older), I have good child care support and we are slowly (very slowly) making connections. Its fabulous in the summer to be near the beach and I sail locally.  I also cant face moving and potentially losing money on my house. Sometimes I dont care when I am the odd person out and different from the crowd - but sometimes I do and the most important thing is that I want my son to feel he isnt the only one without a 2nd parent. I just wish people would be a bit more thoughtful about my situation sometimes...especially as I am terrible at asking for help and I am a little on the shy side (although I know those are my own issues). PS - I also noticed my social invitations jump a bit when it was known I am dating someone...so "funny".

[Guest fern]

I feel the same way. I'm in my early 40's and have a 4 year old. Suddenly I don't have any peers. I went to a kids birthday party over the weekend and felt like everyone stopped talking when I approached them. And same thing, I couldn't get anything to eat or drink because my child was attached to my leg the whole time.

 

There was a pool and all the other kids were swimming but my little one doesn't know how, because all last summer I was caring for my husband and couldn't fit in something like swimming lessons. A mother said to me "you should get him some swim lessons." I didn't know what to say. I'm at work all day. He is in daycare. I think none of the other moms have a clue.

 

There is another thing. I've always been the working spouse and my husband hung out with the moms. I don't know if I'm projecting from insecurity but I feel like now the other moms are wary of me.