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On line dating vents and laughs......


momtokam
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You're a good man buddy. :) So glad you found a person that you click with.  

 

Yeah, there be crazy folks out there. Some of them will suck the life out of us if we let them. Smart move shutting her out. She is nothing but trouble as she demonstrated amply.

 

Best wishes and now, have some fun!

 

Mike 

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👆 What Mike said!!! LF, so glad you did as you say dodge a bullet. Wow -- double standard much? I mean, A was not willing to be exclusive with you, posted publicly her dates with other men, but you were expected to wait until she wanted to reach out to you??? Nope. That's not cool at any age.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought this was funny, and s little weird. Saturday afternoon I was talking to my youngest daughter about me dating. She was asking all sorts of questions. Jokingly I said "my new boyfriend's name is gym, g y m not Jim." She said, " wow mom." (Insert eyeroll. ) Well, later that night I got a friend request and message on Facebook from a guy named Jim. 😲😄 What are the odds? 

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  • 2 weeks later...
17 hours ago, Virgo said:

It's quiet in here lately. How are those summer romances going?

 

Nicely. I am dating one woman exclusively and am currently not on any online dating sites. So I have no vents or laughs to share.

Edited by Leadfeather
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We are doing fine. I'm still with the same NG. We're trying to keep making sure we make time for one another. It's challenging when we're both juggling kids, school for said kids, work schedules, and volunteer commitments. We're both waiting for our online subs to run out. His ended because he was doing shorter term. Mine is ending end of September. 

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Ok, I've got one.  Met a guy last week.  Honestly, tall dark and handsome.  Corporate position for FedEx.  Start out chatting about the usual stuff at the bar over wine and then we order food. He wanted to taste my scallops when they came. So we chat, ask how many kids, how long divorced....whoops....there's a snag.  Says he's separated.  I am a little taken aback since his profile clearly stated SINGLE.  I ask about this new discovery of mine.  He says he told me he was separated.  I said...ummm...no ya didn't.  He scrolls back thru our conversation as do I.  Yep, no mention.  Well now he's pissed.  I ask why he put single when clearly he isn't.  Now he's more pissed and said he didn't like my tone.  It was condescending and judgmental.  Well, now he's pissed me off.  I explain that what he put was misleading and some women might not question it and then become romantically involved and what's stopping you from going back to your wife?  Well, that must have done it.  He told me he didn't come for a lecture and, check please.  I then proceeded to get my purse and told him since he was so rude and lied, now he could have all my scallops and walked out.  I don't even get worked up over this kinda stuff anymore.  If you're going to date, especially online dating, you've GOT to have a thick skin.  I was just bummed I only got to eat one scallop!  They were really good!  Jackwad

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Oh SW. Even if he considered himself to be single, it would have been important to say something up front. When BF and I first connected, I had seen he had separated on his profile. On our first phone call, he brought it up; said he was in process of divorce and that he always said so up front because some women had problems with that status and he wanted to make it clear that he was not connected to her in any way. I was planning to ask if we were going to meet but had mad respect that he brought it up right away.

{{{hugs}}}

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Arneal, if that worked for you then great.  I'm more of the mindset that people need to take care of business with that last person they were with,  before they start getting involved with the next.  I literally sat at a dinner with girlfriends the other night.  The one is a sister of another girlfriend, so I haven't known her very long or well.  She proceeded to tell us that she's going to be getting a new roommate hopefully (she had her fingers crossed) in a week.  The man that she had been seeing for 4-5 years (the very much married man) was finally going to leave his wife and move in with her (fingers crossed).  I sat there stunned.  When did women get so freaking stupid??!!  He tried to leave his wife a couple years ago, but she got breast cancer (not even sure I believe that story) but now he's finally going to do it (fingers crossed). She said he's just wonderful and perfect and I've never felt this way about a man ever.  I swear I tasted blood in my mouth I was biting my tongue so hard.  Another woman at the table left her husband for a married man that promised he was going to leave his wife too.  Over ten years later, he's still married to his wife and my girlfriend wasted a lot of good years waiting for that jackass.  So, I say all that to say this.....I'm not going there.  I don't care how long they've been apart, how much he says he doesn't love her anymore...yada yada yada.  Make the split, handle your business and get the damn divorce.  THEN go on a dating site.  Geesh

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Totally get that. My second husband was also separated when we met and moved in together but it was a legal separation, paperwork and all. Same with BF. That's different than not living in the same house. LH didn't finalize because he wanted ex to take some responsibility. Right, wrong, or indifferent, because she did him way dirty (looked him in his face, said she was getting with another man, then had a baby with said dude who promptly disappeared) and it took him a while to realize she wasn't going to step up. He finally filed and paid or it all. BF was just prior to signing the papers when we met and did so as soon as they came. Very different circumstances for sure.

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SW- Obviously his reaction was very telling too. He sounded very defensive. It's good that it came out on the first date. I think you handled the situation maturely. He has some growing up to do. I just want honesty from these guys so I can make decisions for myself with the information provided. No games!

 

Julester- it is hard to schedule dating around "life." I'm glad you're enjoying each other's company. 

 

Leadfeather- I'm glad you found someone you enjoy spending time with too.

 

Jim, that I mentioned before, is seeing someone. He's basically unsure about her and looking for fun on the side, or other options. He was upfront and honest about where his mind is. I respect that. I'm not interested in being a side piece, so that's not going anywhere. 

 

Another guy reached out to me on Facebook. He is currently going through a divorce. She filed two months ago, so it's very fresh, raw. I'm not sure about that, so I'm going slow. We haven't met in person yet, but he has asked to. We'll see.

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Virgo......that Jim guy?  I don't respect him one ounce.  That's wonderful that he told you where his mind is.  Did he tell the woman he's seeing and unsure about that he's looking to get laid on the side?  She might want that information so she can make sure she's protected from STDs.  Oy vey!

 

But you stay safe!

 

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SW I wondered about that too. Hopefully he did tell her. Who knows, maybe she's casual too. I've learned being single that a lot of couples have open relationships. Not for me, but I don't judge. I'm glad he told me. I do respect that. 

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SW I totally hear you on people being clear on their status. There was a guy once that really piqued my interest and he was flirty, cute, and down to earth but said something that my gut didn't like. I can't recall the exact phrase. Also he advertised as divorced but seriously the verb tense he talked about his "ex" was suspicious. When I kept on him, he admitted he wasn't divorced but downhill. His marriage was bad, it was her, blah, blah, blah. Not the same damn thing. You are either married or not but don't advertise single or divorced when you really are not. I cut that one out. I'm not the cheating, side woman type. 

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Great article Virgo.  And it's so true.  I'm looking to date.  Get to know someone.  Have them get to know me! Everyone is in such a hurry to jump into bed.  I'm not looking for casual sex.  And if I'm not willing to do that, there are 10 women in line behind me that are.  Lately I keep getting "you're so pretty, how are you still single?".  Well, because I'm not interested in just a penis.  Geesh.  Feels impossible some days.  Oh well.  I just keep on keeping on.  If I'm meant to recouple, the right one will come along.

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I think one of the things that attracted me to BF was that his profile said the same as mine -- looking for friendship as well as looking for an intimate relationship, not just a sex partner. We talked about that straight away as well.

 

A couple of social media writer friends and I were chatting about creating a new dating site that encourages people to be a bit more up front about all that. I'll keep you all updated -- maybe some here would be willing to beta test for us, take a walk-through and tell us what's missing ...

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Arneal, when I was dating, the faith-based dating sites were closer to that ideal than any others. I met great ladies and, based on their comments, most guys they met that way were gentlemen. Not 100% but better than the average.

 

I tried to read the article. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old but what a load of pretentious crap. And again, falls into the trap of suggesting all dating folks act a certain way.  I hope most folks don't act/feel the way the author describes. And her bio - " In her spare time, she can be found blissed out in a bookstore or writing fiction of her own. She loves Oscar Wilde, organic beauty products and Italian food." oh please - spare me the "I'm so with it" self congratulatory blather.  

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28 minutes ago, Portside said:

I tried to read the article. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting old but what a load of pretentious crap. And again, falls into the trap of suggesting all dating folks act a certain way.  I hope most folks don't act/feel the way the author describes.

 I tried also. Like, OMG, WTF, SMH ¬¬

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Portside -- it's tough reading yeah? The problem I find is that often such articles are all or nothing ... meaning that you get either a "here's why online dating is all perfect" or a "here's why online dating is all crap" sort of feel. I would say if the experiences are more negative than positive and the person doing the writing can't deal with the law of averages (there are how many people on this planet? how many of them might be looking to date and use online methods to meet people? how many of them are good and generally honest? how many are horrible?), you'll get a bias. The reverse is also a thing: if the experiences are good, the person doing the writing will probably paint a lovely image only.

 

The reason my writing colleagues and I were talking about creating a site was after one of them shared a dating experience. She had met this guy and we all thought it was a good thing -- she seemed happy, the kids seemed happy, the guy seemed happy. She shared that he fussed a bit at her because of how she acted around other people he knew; he didn't mind her personality (she is a writer after all -- a bit of colorful language here and there, loving to share stories and so on) when it was just them but when they went out, he wanted her to be different, to not talk basically. They couldn't come to terms on it and the relationship went kaput. The ensuing conversation was about who we are as people -- is it fair to expect a date or significant other to be one way and then change in other circumstances -- and how we are received by those we connect with when dating. Who is the one getting accepted: the 'real' us or the one the other person thinks they see? Many online sites don't give people the chance to be raw and real :) 

Edited by arneal
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10 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

  If I'm meant to recouple, the right one will come along.

I lived my life by this statement  sw, and I still got burnt and got burnt badly! So if they are a dog , they are a dog! 

They (my ex and his ex ) were separated, and she was living in a different state. I made it clear I wouldn't date until divorce was done and over. He did that! 

His "mother"  got a little involved, and I spoke up to him and said "no way" at our age. I broke up and made it clear that he needed to decide what he wanted now that we both had grown kids. He came crawling back. A year later we married.

2 years in he started having tantrums, name calling, and I mean disgusting names, hitting walls and putting holes in the walls (my house).

You get the picture, and wondering why I wasn't warm and fuzzy wanting to have sex after his tantrums?

Well I had my suspicions that he was cheating, and I was right! And that was before he started the abuse.

That's why I put his ass out and divorced him!

So, I guess my point is even when we think we are going about it right, it can still turn out wrong.....

 

Edited by sudnlysngl
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11 hours ago, StillWidowed said:

 I'm not looking for casual sex.  And if I'm not willing to do that, there are 10 women in line behind me that are. 

The ten women behind you may not be looking for casual sex. They may be like my college room mate who thought having sex would cause men to fall in love with her.

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Re. the article - it stereotypes dating colored by the writer's experience and of course s/he will share what they know.  I think that the article makes sense for a certain generation - millennials maybe.  I've had conversations with my 19 year old about dating and she has shared some of what is in this article.  I agree that a lot of folks that I know - those of my generation - don't act the way described in the article.  There isn't much there that resonates with me, but the dating process in my experience has certainly changed.  Social media, instant gratification with all that is available, it seems that the romanticized idea of courting doesn't really exist anymore for young people.  Call me old fashioned, but it makes me sad that my young adult kids won't know this ..... 

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Boy, that article is jaded.

 

I met my fiance online, and met a number of other great women - while also having to stick-handle my way around some not-great women.  I don't think I need to dwell on the woman who met me after dinner but showed up hungry, and then redirected a second date to a much more expensive place and made me feel like a meal ticket.  Or the one who strung my along with daily convo on the dating site for weeks, said she liked me when we met, and then was unavailable.  I can focus on the woman who's prettier on the inside, treats everyone well, and has never failed to be enjoyable to be with.  I hope you all find your own unicorn out there.

 

Rob T

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