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On line dating vents and laughs......


momtokam
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I normally don't involve my girls, but since he and I dated for 8 months before we started involving them. Mostly just spending time hanging out at his house. My daughters are 19,17,and 11. It's my 11 year old that I worry about the most. It's funny, when we started talking again my girls just knew. They saw me smiling and laughing while I was on the phone and they excitedly asked, "are you talking to M? You only smile like that when you're talking to M." I tell them that he's a great guy, I like him a lot, but right now we're just friends. We're enjoying spending time together. 

 

Yesterday we went out for breakfast and spent a few hours together.  Then we went about our day. After my 11 year old and I went grocery shopping he suggested that we drop by his house on our way home for a bit. We ended up staying a few hours. My daughter ended up baking with him. It was sweet, but this is what worries me. 

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"It was sweet, but this is what worries me."

I think you just summed it up for yourself Virgo. You are afraid that this won't last.  You also know that you are the one holding the reins.  I'm betting that the team of horses takes the carriage home once you ease up on the reins.  I would like to see this happen.  I could use some cheering up right now myself.

All my best wishes for success with your NG. 

  

Edited by Love2fish
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Are you worried that your youngest will get attached? Is that a bad thing? If you don't want to recouple, it would be good to let him know. Or, if you need time, let him know that too. It's easy for some people to gain feelings but if one major component is off, that's trouble for all.

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You've just echoed what my girlfriends have been telling me. You're also right about me feeling like it won't last. He is the only man that I've been with other than my LH who makes me feel vulnerable. Thanks for talking, and the well wishes. Why are you down?

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12 hours ago, Virgo said:

We stopped seeing each other in April last year after he said "I love you" and I didn't say it back. We had been dating for 8 months. I had feelings for him, but I was keeping him at arms length. Saying I love you still felt like a betrayal to my LH for me. I just wasn't ready.

 

 

Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you.  https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

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3 minutes ago, Virgo said:

You've just echoed what my girlfriends have been telling me. You're also right about me feeling like it won't last. He is the only man that I've been with other than my LH who makes me feel vulnerable. Thanks for talking, and the well wishes. Why are you down?

I think you were replying to me Jen,

re. why I am down.  I re-coupled 2 1/2 years ago.  I lost her last Friday, March 8 to cancer.  I have no regrets about the relationship.  I would do it again and I plan on doing it again when the time is right.

That article Leadfeather linked to is worth reading. The 5 phases mentioned in the article remind me of the phases of loss.  It's important to know that no two experiences are the same.  Some of us go through all the phases in order and some of us mix it up or skip certain phases completely.  

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4 hours ago, Leadfeather said:

 

 

Virgo, this article helped me understand my feelings of love and betrayal, perhaps it will help you.  https://secondfirsts.com/2016/03/what-it-means-to-love-again-after-loss/

Maybe I'm taking this article too literally, but I wasn't crazy about this section:

 

Quote

Phase 3: Only angels allowed

I am going to sound a little authoritarian and as if I am your parent. I apologize in advance but this is how I sound when I care a lot. This phase here is so important and this is where we begin to get the controls back. So here it goes: I cannot allow you to date or become friends with people who are not the kindest people you have ever met. That’s right they have to be so kind that you wonder if they are angels.

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

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4 minutes ago, serpico said:

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

 

At a certain point I don't disagree. If I was getting back into the dating game at the place I am at now I can take the knocks and weed out the women who are wrong for me. But in the early days after the loss of my wife I was very raw and naive and I put my trust in several women I should not have, and was used. So I see this advice for those who are learning how to date again. 

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25 minutes ago, serpico said:

Maybe I'm taking this article too literally, but I wasn't crazy about this section:

 

Perhaps it's the notion that those who have been through loss CANNOT POSSIBLY BEAR to be involved with someone who isn't an angel, but this just strikes me as some overly protective advice.

 

Yes, you are reading it too literally, and it's not written really clearly.  This is in the context of a middle phase, Phase 3, where a person could be really beaten up by a bad person.  I think we get more resilient later on (I know I did).

 

Rob T

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Interesting article, LF.

 

I too am in a serious relationship, and this is helpful. It has taken me longer to let go of my ideal.  Not to let myself be in a less than worthy relationship, mind you.  But maturing into something, evolving into something different.  Not to be so lonely to accept ill treatment.  But also not to hang on to the past life so tightly, I let the present slip out of my hands. 

 

I have told NG, with a gulp in my throat, that I would hope to love more deeply, with more appreciation as I don't want to take things for granted as I did in my only marriage  And that this marriage COULD BE better in some ways due to my loss and experiences.  That my love from my first husband made me able to love greater in a new marriage.  It took a lot to think that through without feeling I betrayed my LH, but it is moving that way. 

Anyway, thanks. 

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8 hours ago, arneal said:

Are you worried that your youngest will get attached? Is that a bad thing? If you don't want to recouple, it would be good to let him know. Or, if you need time, let him know that too. It's easy for some people to gain feelings but if one major component is off, that's trouble for all.

I'm worried that they'll get attached and things won't work out. I guess I have no control over that though. 

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3 hours ago, Virgo said:

Love2fish I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you two had each other even for a short time. 

Thank you and you are on the right track about short time.  It was the most intense love of my life.  I lost something precious but I have new family.  By mutual agreement I have a step son, daughter, and sister.  We've all gotten close the last few months and wish to keep it that way.  My sweetheart is still giving me treasure.

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1 hour ago, Love2fish said:

Thank you and you are on the right track about short time.  It was the most intense love of my life.  I lost something precious but I have new family.  By mutual agreement I have a step son, daughter, and sister.  We've all gotten close the last few months and wish to keep it that way.  My sweetheart is still giving me treasure.

That's a great attitude to have. Family isn't just blood. I hope you all stay close.

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  • 1 month later...

Let's get this thread back on topic.  Laughs.  I'm doing meet & greets again already.  That in itself is a topic but skip that for now.  I'm on a dating website looking for a lady my age or younger.  I use a computer most of the time.  I just added the app to my iPad and the first time I used it was awkward.  As I was scrolling through my search results I spotted a stunning red head.  As is my habit I hit the Like button.  Then I spot that she is 10 years my senior!  I am a septuagenarian and I've got a M&G tomorrow with an octogenarian.  Be careful when you switch platforms and are using an app for the first time. 

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Love2fish- I had an older gentleman start to flirt with me at the grocery store last week. From behind, I have very long fabulous grey hair. When I turned around and he saw my face he looked shocked and blurted out- ‘oh, too young!’ We laughed and I said it can be a bit confusing to figure out ages when so many ladies dye their hair, but some ‘youngsters’ like me (I’m 55) are going natural. 

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17 hours ago, Love2fish said:

Let's get this thread back on topic.  Laughs.  I'm doing meet & greets again already.  That in itself is a topic but skip that for now.  I'm on a dating website looking for a lady my age or younger.  I use a computer most of the time.  I just added the app to my iPad and the first time I used it was awkward.  As I was scrolling through my search results I spotted a stunning red head.  As is my habit I hit the Like button.  Then I spot that she is 10 years my senior!  I am a septuagenarian and I've got a M&G tomorrow with an octogenarian.  Be careful when you switch platforms and are using an app for the first time. 

Hmmmm….. My dh was 18 yrs older than me :) , I'm now 55 so I will leave the math up to you, lol...

The relationship was fantastic :D 

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I hear you Sudnlysngl.  My brother is that much older than my SIL and their marriage is one to envy.  I would be totally open to meeting women 18 years younger.  Send any you know my way.  :D

I admit to having an ageist prejudice here.  It's just that after being a caregiver twice I want at least even odds that it will be my turn next.

 

So we had the M&G tonite.   It was fantastic!  The most fun I've had for months (excepting bagos).  She did look as good as her profile photos, after two Long Island Iced Teas she was looking downright foxy.  We are not destined to be a couple. We established that within the first few minutes.  Which freed us up to be completely open and share things at a really profound level.  A wonderful error I made with the dating app.

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Sounds fabulous, L2F! Good for you -- nothing wrong with making a friend along the way (the name of this thread -- the alternatives are often laughable ... not while occurring mind you, but later LOL). My BF is the closest to my age I've ever had a serious relationship with. He is five years my senior, met via online dating app. LH was 15 years older, first husband was 12 years older. I outlived both. I hear you, particularly about the caregiver experience; my LH was wonderful and people thought we were just the best together, but after being his caregiver, I certainly am not looking forward to that experience again any time soon :(

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3 hours ago, arneal said:

I certainly am not looking forward to that experience again any time soon :(

I can see you understand Arneal.  That is how I feel at this time.  In your statement as mine the qualifier is time.  When I think about the first two I unquestionably say that I would make all the same choices again, starting with the flirt that stated it all. Just give me some space to get my wind back and I’ll be ready for a third. 

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