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On line dating vents and laughs......


momtokam
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Virgo,

 

Yes more options.  But busy lives make it hard to connect.  And this new man I am texting  looks great to meet but limited info.  I told him I needed more to meet for safety.  I’ll see if he is a stand up guy or not. My post  LH’s death relationship was transparent on line due to his background and custody battle.  That was helpful. 

I realize it may take time,  especially from reading here.  
I can say no to obvious non-matches.  As can they😉

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Uggh, ghosted by a guy I spoke to on the phone.  It is more annoying than anything else.  So, Question?  Just meet with men for practice of dating?  Coffee, and see where it goes.  Or hold out until one looks really good?  

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This probably doesn’t sound good but I’ve been on more dates than I care to count lol. Good idea to phone screen first (I learned to do that). Since you are just getting back to Internet dating I would even meet guys that seem ok for dates...you never know plus some of the ones who I thought were amazing on paper/on phone were just dolts in the end (aka pot smoking date who showed me pics of ex wife in lingerie who had run off with another man- I can’t make this stuff up!!) 

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I say meet for a half hour coffee then if they seem worth the time go on a real date. I did a lot of those meet and greets. Most went nowhere. Some ghosted, some got cold feet right before, some met me and decided I was not there cup of tea, shocking I know. Got to a point where if a woman agreed to meet and then backed out I would not try to meet them again. Broke that rule one time. Ended up marrying her.

Edited by Leadfeather
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Oh my. Let me know the norms?   Text a guy and he is all flirty with telling me how good I look in a picture, kissable, etc. OK.  Well, I am just trying to get to know you. So, switch to phone call, and that was okay.  But say good night and he texts me he misses me already and wishes I were sleeping next to him.  I have literally seen two pictures and talked 15 minutes on the phone.   He is an engineer at a factory, dad, college graduate, and this is getting to know someone?  I am not 20 and in college.  We are adults with kids.  Is this normal?

Another person I said lunch on Sat. would be good, a half way point, and he states there is no foodie place in this town. No, but just meeting in the day to see if there is anything.  

 

I truly have a "virgin" dater of on line........

 

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10 hours ago, Virgo said:

I think some sort of communication before (texting or calling) will help you determine if you want to meet them for a coffee date. 

 

 

I totally agree that pre-screening is needed. I can only say what worked for me. But this is what I found after a few years of looking for someone using online dating, one failed 5 month relationship and one successful 15 month and counting relationship.

 

This is from a man's perspective, your mileage may vary. Maybe a week of texting a potential date to see if we were compatible. Early on I texted some women for weeks and weeks only to find that that is all they really wanted. A texting partner. So later in the process I made a rule for myself that I would give texting a week or two at the most and then set up a meeting in person to see if they were being honest about who they were in pictures and text. If they were not willing to meet then I would move on. If that meet and greet coffee date went well I would ask them out for a true first date. Some said yes and some said no.

 

Early on I was still very broken and vulnerable from my wifes death and some women used that for their own needs. I had come from a long tern 25 year marriage and was calibrated to trust. So I trusted more than I should have and was burned because of it. But I learned from those experiences and it allowed me to assess what I really wanted in a partner, and recalibrate how I was going about finding her.

 

Dating online really is a numbers game. You might have to go through a large number of "wrong for you" texting partners and/or meet and greets to find a person who you feel is worth your time and who also wants to date you. I dated with the intention of finding someone I wanted to spend the second half of my life with and found a large number of women who were not of the same mindset. Even if they said there were looking for a long term relationship their actions showed that they were not. But every time that happened, I would remind myself that I was one step closer to finding someone who was right for me, and that while I might have to go through a number of disappointments I only had to find one Ms. Right.

 

I do think a large portion of eligible partners at my age (48 when I started this process) are already in relationships. And a large portion of available partners at my age are available because they have issues which make them bad partners, or they were so hurt by a previous relationship that they are not looking for anything but a good time. Not all of them, but a higher percentage of them than when I was younger. And I was pickier at 48 than I was at 20. I had a good marriage and I did not want to sully the memory of it with a second relationship that was less than good.

 

I am not sure where I am going with this answer, it kind of turned into something other than what I first intended. Anyway I guess I will sum it up with two things.

 

One, If you want to find someone you might have to go through a lot of wrong people first, but it is worth the effort. The wonderful woman I am married to now, I would never have found if I had not tried online dating. 

 

Two, When I decided to date again this forum thread was the most helpful I found here. I read all of it and despite the fact that there is a lot of venting on it, it gave me hope. So thank you everyone for posting here and letting me know I was not alone in my desire to find someone worthy of all the love I still had left to give.

Edited by Leadfeather
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Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I will take the time to read through this thread. I also may just lay low and work on me a bit. IDK  Ironically, my former NG said he wished I had dated some before to understand what is out there.  Well, I didn't.  I married my HS sweetheart and spent 28 years together. I can't change that and I do believe I am a catch as can handle life's ups and downs and stick around.  He bailed when he couldn't handle the reality of getting his kids and then following through with his promises to me. I digress.  (sigh)

 

I will have to get good at setting boundaries with folks. This guy last night  - MEH.  He does not fall into what I want for me AND my son.  I just thought I would try to talk.   I don't want to be awful to guys, but I also deserve my safe boundaries.  Separate the wheat from the chaff.....

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What a beautiful post, LF ... well-said.

 

I wish I'd found this site and this board particularly before I started online dating after my LH died. Like Leadfeather, I trusted early on; I believed a lot of things I shouldn't have. I didn't do my fact-checking because my guard was down after a year or so of being a caregiver full-on for a person who'd had health conditions for the entirety of our 16 years together. I was weary. I didn't realize I was being catfished until I'd exposed myself more than I would have in other circumstances. Nothing major as it was all online; I mean, we never even really were on video together. Dude kept his screen off (should have been a flag). I sent him a photo of myself that was embarrassing looking back (not a nudie or anything but I'm not a fan of taking photos of myself anyway LOL). In the end, I discovered his antics, called him on it, and stopped communicating. He came back some time later, saying he had been angry at me because I didn't believe the malarkey he'd tried to hand me.

 

Needless to say, that conversation ended quickly. It taught me to do my research on anyone who tried to connect with me. I checked out multiple sites and reviewed photos and profiles to see if people were portraying themselves differently on different sites (Google photo lookup was my best friend!). I set my social media profile security settings up to stop getting weird pings and messages from men who just had a few female 'friends', who didn't know anyone I knew, and who really didn't have profiles set up but tried to connect when they saw single or widowed as status. I started asking questions if anything smelled fishy: why do you say you live in [X state] but your phone number is from [Y state], why do you want to jump off the site so quick to communicate when I clearly indicated I need to know more about you, what about my profile made you want to connect when based on profile we have nothing in common ...

 

I stopped accepting connections from people who were out of the 'local' range. For me, that meant farther than what I deemed half-way between towns. That allowed me to connect to my current BF. We texted on the site for a day and exchanged phone numbers. He called me and we talked for about an hour, during which we decided to meet for lunch and set a time and place (which he allowed me to pick) for two days later (Memorial Day, 2016). I got there early and parked so I could see the entrance. I told several friends where I was going and when to check on me; if they hadn't heard from me by a certain hour, I told them to really check on me! I saw him when he pulled up and he looked like his profile photos. We had lunch and talked for about four hours that day. We agreed to see each other that Friday and basically saw each other almost every weekend after that. We've been live-in since last February.

 

I don't say that such connection will come for everyone, but I share my story to also say how grateful I am to have learned all I learned from those on this site and board. It helped me find love again, on my terms.

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I met people when I thought wouldn't amount to much, just for practice.  I didn't meet them for a meal after one 1) gave me a fake name before we met because he didn't know before meeting me if I might be a nutcase and then 2) during the meal seemed to have a lot of issues that would make him a high maintenance partner.  After that, first meetings were limited to coffee, a glass of wine or a beer.

One man cancelled twice at the last minute and was a no call / no show on the third.  I wasn't good at picking up cues.  After that, if a date cancelled, I let that potential date suggest another time and place and if he didn't, well, he wasn't interested. The man I'm with now did, in fact, cancel our first meeting and was quick to make the effort to re-schedule.  

I had no interest in being someone's pen pal, and there seemed to be some who participated on dating sites for just that. Many didn't say so up front, which is odd. I didn't date men who weren't local.  

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I have a date!  And he confirmed this a.m.  And he is driving to me. I'll see how it goes. Lunch only. He FB me and he is legit. Looked up linkedin, too. He checked me out. He is widowed, also.  Different political views but smart.  His dad was a former governor!  Checked that out, too and it is fact.  His dad got into trouble with bids for his own construction company and lost it all.  So, this man has an elite upbringing but works construction?  Strange. Private schools, college but chose to do construction like his father started.  Anyway. Practice dating, right? Meet some interesting people, right?  My mental health background will help me with some of this 😉

Said no go to guy that was treating me like a 20 yr old sorority girl. Please talk to me like a grown woman.  The guy who ghosted,   Oh, well.  So it goes.  I will  learn the ropes. I can do this. I am strong. Have a pen pal to say goodbye to.  He is nice, but too far away, not my parameters. I have tried to let him go nicely. Well, direct will have to do. I am trying not to ghost. There is no reason. Had a guy say, "sorry, but we are not a match."  OK.  Doesn't hurt my feelings. I don't know you.  Anyway.

Dreamed about my LH last night. He proposed 30 yrs ago today.  Had not dreamed of him in a while. It was nice and peaceful. 

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Stillwidowed, that seems to be the norm. Very underwhelming. I don't think it's always nefarious intentions though. I think for some men it's just an easier and less expensive option. 

 

I had three men ask me out tonight. None of which were the impromptu guy I've been seeing. 

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On 11/1/2019 at 1:42 PM, StillWidowed said:

I went out with a guy a couple weekends ago to a nice upscale restaurant.  Had a nice time.  Asked me out for a second date via text to either hang out at my house or his and watch a movie.  Ummmmm..........................no.  Next!

 

StillWidowed, please help me out here. I'd like to more fully understand why this guy is a "No" to you.  It does seem that he's a bit clumsy and coming on too fast for the second date locale - is that it? Or you didn't feel it was safe? Or asking by text? 

 

Thanks! Mike

 

 

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Hi Mike.  I feel it was completely unsafe.  We're pretty much still strangers.  There is no way for a second date, I'm going to be alone with a man.  Maybe other women are more daring, but not me.  If it was a money issue on his end, then a slice of pizza would have been just fine (but gathering from the first date, that wasn't the issue).  But it definitely was not that.  There were subtle cues during the first date that had my radar up, but when he actually asked to see me alone for the second date, I knew my instincts were correct.  I responded with sorry, I already had plans with family, to leave the door open to see if he would ask to see me again.  Nope.  And he knew I knew what he was up to.  I hate being right about these things.

Edited by StillWidowed
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Totally get it, StillWidowed!  

I went on my date. He was all over me. In public. Touching my hair. Hugging me.  Kissed me more than once.  I went to a lunch on purpose. I had my kid track me on our app. I checked. He joked we should go to a hotel parking lot and freak my kid out.  First date!  3 phone conversations.  

 

I am grown, but I also have some standards, old school, maybe. But it is just dangerous out there, and up standing men would not have a problem with it all.  Transparency and boundaries. 

 

And if gals want to go and have sex the first date, you can.  But that should not be the normal assumption.  Or am I just out of touch.....

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I get it too, stillwidowed.  Intuition kicks in and you just know.  I dated a guy several years ago that after 3 dates, asked me to dinner at his house.  I didn't go - not that I didn't feel safe, just that I wasn't ready for that kind of comfortableness that soon.  I believe that a home date can imply more than just a meal, maybe there are some guys out there that don't think about this.  

 

Wow, tybec - thank goodness it was just lunch!   

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Thanks for your response ladies.  It's tough out there.  There ARE a lot of women that would have no problem being alone with a man on a second date, first for that fact like you stated tybec, so that makes it that much more difficult for the ladies that won't do that.  I do believe that a true gentleman would understand that and would want to go the speed that makes the lady comfortable.

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My interest is waning.  It's been a month.  Many don't answer you.  All these guys wanting to be able run, hike, with pics working out.  I used to be fit but I hurt my back and I am 50!  I have major challenges. Working on it, had PT for a couple months,  but no marathon runner!  Truly!  Had scammers. I have decided no long distance due to it not working well before, I moved and it fell apart. I am not moving again due to my kid needing to graduate.  It's hard, then, as driving out of town is not going to integrate lives, ya know. I have a life, church, and I work with the youth at church now.   I live about an hour to a major city, and most with careers, are there.  I am bummed today. I know it will pass, but I hate being out like this. It sucks.  And most everybody is divorced. So, I am imperfect, but I don't have an ex to deal with and all that baggage. And now I know what all that baggage can involve. Going to a lake house with lady friends for the weekend, so reboot, and get myself back on board, I guess.

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It's perfectly fine to take breaks from dating. It can be underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. 

 

I went shopping with my daughters yesterday and ran into a guy who I've been messaging. We actually had a dinner date Tuesday. He ended up walking around the mall and eating dinner with us. I'm not sure how I feel about that. We all had a great time though. 

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I have been making a conscience effort to accept dates and meet instead of being lazy about it all (I mentioned in a post way back that I'm kind of a lazy dater).  So I've had several meet and greets in the last month.  They've all been very nice men, but no interest on my end.  I did however meet one in particular and we have a second date tonight.  We'll see how this goes.  In the meantime, I'm going to continue to meet others since I've done this dance before.  The one where you go out a few times with one guy, then for some reason it goes south.  I have no interest in dating several men indefinitely.  I would love to meet one, develop a relationship and get the hell off dating sites.

Edited by StillWidowed
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Ok, took a deep breath and dove back in. I don't have to do anything I don't want to and I don't owe anyone anything but to be kind about it.   I am talking to a couple men. Slow my pace down to what I want and need. Changed my profile to hopefully weed out the FWB, threesomes and obvious non matching philosophies. May limit me a bunch, but that is okay. 

 

I do think it interesting that just talking to a man and that is a perceived communication that you are all in. NO.  Still getting to know you.  What in the world?  Just because you talk you are in?  We are such a society of immediate gratification.  In everything!   Keeping on...

Edited by tybec
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It pays to take a break, and if I had to do it again, hide my profile on dating sites when I did. That way, you pictures aren't old news should you re-activate your dating profile.

I'd have rather men not answered, than suggest I contact them later (because they were 'busy') and ghost me when I did.

 

I had a prospective date ask for my LinkedIn profile, which was not a bad idea. I once Googled an email address, and discovered it was a scammer. You can Google somebody's name, too. One fellow I dated had been arrested for disorderly conduct. 

I tightened up my Facebook privacy settings after a couple men contacted me wishing to meet. One had a sob story about being widowed, and wanting a new mom for his little girl (picture of handsome man and adorable child included.) This tugged at my heart (even though I was too old to be a Mom to a seven- or eight-year-old.) Then I thought about it more: a fellow who was willing to move (and take his child away from the neighborhood and school she knew, *after she lost her mother* was not a good dad. *IF* it was true, which I doubted.

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This text exchange happened yesterday.  I was trying to set up a 4th date.  My idea was to hike on a nearby "mountain" called Watatic.  Pronounced  wha-tay-tic.  I was dictating the message and my iPhone auto correct got things slightly wrong.

That could have been the end of things,  I explained how it happened.  Lucky for me the lady has a sense of humor. She replied  "So that was done orally?😝"

 

 

Screen Shot 2019-11-25 at 9.44.14 AM.png

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok, so I met a guy and we went out a few times (different guy from above post).  He came on strong.  Talked about how he was head over heels crazy about me.  I'm so beautiful and sexy and on and on and on.  Couldn't believe his luck...blah blah blah.  Of course this lady ain't no dummy.  I knew these were potential red flags.  Talked about how amazing sex would be with me.....more blah blah blah.  Mind you we had known each other a total of ......10 days!   So I had to have the talk and let him know I was in no way moving at the same lightning speed that he was.  I like to take my time and get to know a person.  Well.....you can guess, I'm sure.  Slowly I heard from him less and less until he sent me the text that he was going to back off.  Things going on in his life right now, he understood if I moved on without him.....more blah blah blah.  It was actually comical. I responded with no worries, we've known each other less than 2 weeks and of course I'm going to date others.  So, I happened to come across an article about dating, and it mentioned a word called "mosting".  It's a sub category of ghosting...LOL.  It's when the guy comes on really strong right out of the gate with the end goal of getting sex and then disappearing.  I was cracking up.  Does this generation really need to name things that have been happening from the beginning of time? The timing was impeccable.  Dating = thick skin!

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