On line dating vents and laughs......

[Peony]

Thank you Virgo!  I did follow my gut instinct, but it feels bad.  Being "that" person feels bad.  Little does he know that I cut it off early in an effort to be honest & not lead him on.

 

I actually have an analogy about why I hate dating.  Hopefully it makes as much sense outside of my head as it does inside.  It's kind of like when you go buy a new car.  You are picky about everything.  Maybe black, no maybe red.  Should I get the leather or the cloth?  What about the add on's?  You walk around it and make sure it's you.  Good fit inside?  Where's the blind spot when I drive it... etc.  You all know what I mean.  But you're being reasonable cause it matters & it's a big purchase.  You want it to be right.  Dating is much of same process, but with feelings!  Real people are complicated and it doesn't feel as good judging every little thing.  But you have to in order to make a reasonable, responsible decision.

There's just something really wrong and uncomfortable about test driving people! 

 

Does this part get easier in time?

[Portside]

 

Does this part get easier in time?

 

It does if you keep it simple. Just approach it one step at a time without trying to find out/decide all right at the beginning and keep your "list" reasonable. For example, on the first date was the guy pleasant and respectful? Were you? If "yes", continue. Not - wow, he worn a stripped shirt with plaid pants!! Ok, a visual disaster but is that really important?

 

But, IIRC, you never met with this guy in person right? You texted for 4 days and then decide it's not a match? I'm not sure this is a method that has a high chance of find a wonderful guy. Without a physical meetup, you've (we all would do this) built a mental image of what he is and who he is. But really, unless he was a complete ass texting, which you didn't mention, I don't feel you gave this possibility a fair shake.

 

I've gone on and on about texting for years here - it is not a form of effective or complete communication by any stretch of the imagination. There are too many holes within texting to used as a go/nogo decision point. (again, unless he was inappropriate). Simply being clumsy or a poor texting communicator could throw a potentially great guy out of the pool.

 

I went on more blind dates than ones where I did the asking. I had a ball. Not everyone was a match for me certainly and I'm positive I wasn't a match for all the women I met. However, I learned something big from each and every lady I went out with. Something about myself, something about life, something about dating. Something about humanity.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Good luck and best wishes - Mike

[jgib]

Thank you Mike.

I know your advice wasn’t for me but I am going to give your words the weight they deserve.

[Peony]

Thank you Mike!

 

I sincerely needed & appreciate your opinion.  You were spot on with all of it.  As jgib said, I too will give your words the weight they deserve.

 

I honestly do value the male perspective.  It's hard when all you know is the female perspective & all of the voices in your head (of which there are many) are female too!   

[Leadfeather]

Update. This past week we have been communicating quite a lot via text and phone calls. Yesterday we met for a late lunch and spent a good amount of time together. It felt very comfortable and I think we both enjoyed it. At the end of the evening I asked her when I could see her again, with schedules it was difficult to figure out, so I reworded my question and asked "Would you like to see me again" and that got a yes. Which is really the confirmation i was looking for.

 

As an aside, I have been spending a lot of time examining me and I think I need to work on my expectations while dating. Coming out of a very loving and healthy marriage it is difficult to go back to square one with a new person and not long for that deeper connection that only grows over time. So, I am going to try and slow down and enjoy each moment as it comes and try not to worry to much about what comes next.

[rifatheroffour]

I reworded my question and asked "Would you like to see me again" and that got a yes. Which is really the confirmation i was looking for.

 

That is very smart!

 

Coming out of a very loving and healthy marriage it is difficult to go back to square one with a new person and not long for that deeper connection that only grows over time. So, I am going to try and slow down and enjoy each moment as it comes and try not to worry to much about what comes next.

 

Yes!, while I'm not "online dating" I am just starting to see someone I have know for many years and this is exactly how I am feeling. Trying very hard to remember to enjoy the moments as they come and worry about tomorrow...tomorrow.

[Captains wife]

I did online dating for several years post widow and what struck me was just to focus on the now and not worry about the future as much. In the early days I was too focused on analyzing the relationship and worried about where it would go. After all, at this stage in my life (mid-life and with a child), I wasn't planning to have more children nor get married again (maybe) so I finally realized I just needed to enjoy the moments I was having and quit worrying about "where was this relationship going?" I am just trying to focus on being in relationship that makes both partners happy - and I realized that its not as easy at this point in my life to sustain a relationship as it was in the past. I also learned to care less of what others thought of me (ie. when I was "rejected") and realized that finding a good match could take some time.... and there was no rush. I also decided along the way that I want to sustain my own life (outside a partnership) because I felt it was important to be happy in my own space as well as someone else's.

I know what you mean - Leadfeather - about missing that deeper connection but Ive also learned not to rush that too.

 

Wishing you all the best ! And have fun : )

[Leadfeather]

On slightly more lighthearted note. Scheduling times to see each other with two busy schedules.  Arrg!

[Leadfeather]

This weekend and today have been emotionally difficult for a number of reasons. One of them being I hate the ambiguity in the relationship I have with A. I had decided to ask her what her intentions are regarding us and had hoped to ask in person this weekend. I am not a conflict/confrontational guy which is something I have been working on. I’m trying to be very upfront about what I want and at this point I want to know if she sees me as someone she could build a relationship with even if we are not there yet. So this is a big deal for me.  Unfortunately, Issues with her teenage daughter took all of her time this weekend and emotionally drained her.  So we did not have a chance to talk even by phone only texting which was less than satisfying and is not the medium I would choose to ask this question.

 

I plan on calling her tonight and asking.  I’m at a point where I either want to know we’re both working towards the same goal or go look for someone else. And the whole thing sucks because I think I’m still calibrated from 25 years of marriage to be in a deep meaningful relationship and not just dating for fun.

 

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Hey LF, the only advise I could give you is to read your Jan 28 post!

Good luck to you!

[tybec]

Leadfeather,

 

I get what you are saying, and I was the same way.  In fact, NG called me on it, stating I was operating from a brain/experience of 21 plus years of marriage instead of dating him for almost 2 years.  I didn't deny it. 

 

Folks here suggested I "back off" and let things grow naturally, versus maybe even scaring NG off.  I was ready in about one year to have the "where are we going with this?"  I also told him about 6th date I was wife material. 

 

Good luck with what you decide.  I understand the wanting to know, but then this dating thing. OY!

 

[RobFTC]

This weekend and today have been emotionally difficult for a number of reasons. One of them being I hate the ambiguity in the relationship I have with A.

 

How long has it been?  Seems really early to have a "define the relationship" discussion.

 

Guys rush too much, headlong into failure.  Keep your seat belt fastened, keep both hands on the wheel, and above all, don't exceed the speed limit! :-)

 

Rob T

[rifatheroffour]

Guys rush too much, headlong into failure.  Keep your seat belt fastened, keep both hands on the wheel, and above all, don't exceed the speed limit! :-)

 

Rob T

 

Need to keep this playing in a loop inside my head...good advice

[jgib]

Taking a break from dating, not that I have done much....

The online thing just isn’t for me but there isn’t really anything else either it seems.

[momtokam]

Thank you @SunshineFL! ❤

 

That first post seems like ancient history, and yet at the same time, still rings true today. The information in this thread is what I wish I knew in the early days of dating. I hope it helps those new to the post wid dating scene. If it only offers some smiles on the otherwise sad moments on our paths, then that is great thing as well!

 

I haven't been here in a while. I haven't felt I've had too much to share. I have not actively on line dated in quite some time.

 

I've taken a new, more laid back approach to dating. I've recently met and enjoying time with a local widower. I'm not over thinking and I'm enjoying being spoiled! Who knows what will happen. I'm Ok not knowing right now. 😁

 

I hope everyone is well! ❤

 

 

[Adley]

Well I finally tried the online thing, on a widowed group. Women must outnumber men ten to one, and it was completely overwhelming. I think it's pushed me into my shell even more. Question-are all these people talking to multiple people at the same time? It feels like they are, which I'm fine with, but getting overly flirty with multiple people just feels wrong. Is that just the way it is out there? When I met my wife it was before the days of daily texting, now it just seems like everyone expects a non stop 24 hour conversation. At thirty five, am I too old fashioned for this new scene?

[Portside]

At thirty five, am I too old fashioned for this new scene?

 

Hell no Adley! Simply play it like YOU want to. If you like the slower pace of conversations and texting, stick with that.

 

I used a spreadsheet to keep everything straight - details about each person, etc. This may sound cold but honestly, I needed to do that so as to not get mixed up and forget who said what. Remember, online dating, when you are starting off with someone is marketing, pure and simple. Put your best foot forward and don't share too much. You are just getting to know others on a very basic level. Of course, the longer you communicate with someone, you'll get into deeper levels.

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

[jgib]

I am taking a break from it at the moment, but I get what you are saying.

I made the decision to only talk to one person at a time.  If it seemed interesting I would just tell others I was talking to someone already. 

I am not flirty until I know the direction something is going......lots don’t like that much.  The constant texting is totally trying for me as well, I have things to do!  I have been told I am tough to read because I don’t jump in with both feet, lock, stock and barrel...... I prefer to take my time, feel things out, get comfortable with things.  Not the style of many others.....

 

Like Portside said, do it your way.  If someone doesn’t like it, just means the fit is not there.  Good luck, you are braver then me to stick with it!

[Adley]

Portside, the spreadsheet is a good idea, but it had me laughing! Maybe I'm not serious enough or don't have enough faith in that system to put forth that kind of effort. To be in contact with that many people I could see the necessity. And the marketing...I totally see it out there. I guess I'm supposed to do it too, I must have been unconsciously good at it when I was young. I dated a lot of women before I met my wife, and I can't imagine doing it now in the current situation. Maybe I'm simply not ready. I want to be friends before romantic involvement! Shooting first and asking questions later is for the young.

Jgib, I think I've got to take a break too.ive talked to a handful of women the last couple months, and went to meet one. I've really tried to keep it just friends with all of them.The lady I drove to meet midday while the kids were at school is still texting, I'll text her tonight, but I've made it clear I need to be friends first and can't text all day....doesn't seem to have sunk in. lol I can imagine I'm detecting an icy passive aggressive tone beneath the typed words that really say "why don't you answer me back immediately?" It would be funny if it didn't seem like she's got higher expectations already. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, a big reason why I want to keep things just friendly, at least for a good while. I'm not sure I can hang with it either.

  So if I were serious enough, I'd market, but I don't want to be charming to strangers. Don't want to keep a lot of "options" out there at once. Don't want to play the all day text game either.😂  I suck! I guess I'll see what this lady has to say, I don't see it going anywhere, if I can end it without getting some kind of guilt trip maybe I can declare a small moral victory, and maybe even dare to put a toe back in the water. Thanks for all the input!

[JeanGenie]

Okay, I can't believe I'm posting here.  I have read some of the early posts when I wasn't ready for online dating.  In the new year I activated various accounts (yes more than one).  I did not take this very seriously and just laughed at some of the initial messages I got.

 

Yes, there was the "hi sweetie" in a first message...total turnoff for me.  Or how when we were going to meet for coffee he couldn't wait to hold my hand and steal a kiss.  Needless to say, we never met for coffee.  Then there was the guy who said I put up more walls than Trump!  That made me laugh....and I told him he could move on.  So I was proud of myself that I was approaching this with a good sense of humor and with my eyes wide open for potential scammers.

 

I then met a guy a month ago.  We met for a drink and there was mutual attraction and we had good conversation and laughed a lot. He was a gentleman and asked to give me a hug that first night as he walked me to my car which I allowed him to do and we agreed we'd like to see each other again.  He was a daily texter and I definitely liked the attention.  He was sweet and we had playful flirting while at the same time he understood I was taking things slow. He was very respectful in that way.  We talked on the phone often and saw each other in person two more times over the first two weeks.  Everything he told me about himself checked out (yes, I did my online research, etc.).  I was moving very cautiously. The past two weeks we weren't able to see each other either due to work or commitments both of us had and over the past two weekends we were both away (I had the commitments as much as he did so it wasn't just him.) We talked as recent as late last week and said we were exclusive.  We stayed in touch over the weekend, including sending kissy emoticons, looking forward to a date this past Wed.

 

Then, for reasons I still don't know, we never got together on Wed.  He didn't commit to a time and I wasn't going to sit by the phone waiting.  We texted later in the evening and agreed to meet or talk on Thursday about what happened.  We were planning to get together Thurs evening and his text were just as sweet as they were previously. I received my last text from him at 2:30 on Thursday.  I texted him and called him Thurs PM.  Nothing.  I then sent my last text to him Friday morning.

 

I guess this is the *poof" thing some of you have mentioned.  It's so weird though.  If it was just texting, I could get it.  But we had seen each other several times, we talked on the phone, we both admitted there was mutual attraction.  He told me so much about himself, details that I couldn't believe he was sharing so early on in our "relationship"...and we live in the same town, we both know where each other lives, so to go "poof" is so weird because it's likely we can run into each other.

 

I still can't wrap my head around it. I did open my heart and I know now I can.  And as I told my closest friends who knew about him, I was so smitten and it appeared he was with me as well.  Although I thought I knew him, I did know a lot about him, but how well can you really know a person? They let you know what they want to know.

 

Needless to say, I've closed down my online accts for now.  I am so gun shy and hurt and sad.  I thought I did all I was supposed to do to protect my heart.  And I was so careful to not let him in.  I mean, yes, is 2 weeks or 4 weeks enough time to get to know someone?  Who knows? What is?  But knowing what I know about him, to just blow me off that way, just totally shocked me.  But I guess it's better than I know now rather than later.

 

Anyhow, for those of you with experience, please share your words of advise.  I'm still hurting and still glance at my phone, missing his texts or phone calls.  I know we've all been through worse and so this too will pass.  But geesh, how do you open your heart and how do you meet someone other than online.  Running into someone at church, at the grocery store, or through a mutual friend doesn't seem to be working.

 

On a related note, I never thought I'd be posting in this forum...being open to dating to meeting someone new.  So I guess, all in all, this is a giant step for me since I've learned I am open to meeting someone new and that I would like to have someone special in my life.  AND, as hurt as I feel today, I was VERY happy these past 4 weeks and I now know I can be that happy again and that I can feel attracted and giddy like a schoolgirl....I didn't know whether those feelings would have surface again.  So I guess I've learned, I'm open to new possibilities, which I guess is a good thing.

[Portside]

JeanGenie - yeah, that stinks but, if you are able, just quickly brush yourself off and get back on the horse as it were.

 

I think you're right, however, that this experience has shown that you can get out and enjoy yourself and have feelings for a guy. Right, it may have not worked out but that's okay.

 

Now, my advice if he recontacts you is to at least require an explanation of what happened before you agree to any other get togethers. That's not out of line. I wouldn't go into a big discussion of *you hurt me, etc.* but I would pointedly let him know his conduct was rude.

 

But yes, it's a great thing that you now know you can be happy again and be excited seeing someone special.

 

Good luck! Mike

[kjs1989]

Wow, JG, sounds like you did everything right. It is hard to know what his issues were. I went through something similar several years ago. We got together a few times and then he blew me off. I had the start of a pretty  good crush going, too. Turned out he was seeing someone else. Thankfully, I didn't have much invested except my pride. Of course, he eventually contacted me again months later, as these types always do. By then I was seeing someone else, and even if I hadn't been I would have said no thanks...lose my number, please.

 

I guess the only thing I can offer is to reflect back on any red flags. I think they are always there if you really examine the situation in hindsight.  You said he shared so much early on. Hmm...flag #1? You said he constantly texted, but you enjoyed the attention. Hmmm...constant texting....flag #2?  He was very affectionate in his texting with emoticons, and perhaps words, too? Humor and banter in texting is one thing early on and is great fun, but when it gets sort of over the top kissy kissy....Hmmm....flag #3? 

 

I don't know. It is tough and makes us all feel like we are back in high school and college, except we would sit and stare at the phone on the wall or the desk rather than the one in our hand. Ugh. It sucks.

 

All I can say is, everyone I know has been there with the online thing. And most that I know eventually did meet someone special. I managed to meet someone after trial and error and lots of angst. It is doable with an open mind, sense of humor ( as you mentioned) and caution to our heart and safety.

 

Hang in there!!!

[Adley]

Spot on with the red flags

[RobFTC]

I want to be friends before romantic involvement!

 

Just curious, why do you think this?  That can be a good way to mess things up.  You can either go down a "just friends" track, or you can act like you're not very interested in a relationship.  I don't mean that you shouldn't like the person you're dating (you need to!), or that you should rush things in any way (lordy, so many men can do that!), but just that blunting the possibility of a romantic relationship isn't a great idea.  I think you want to be open to possibilities, feel you have options, and not be committed to outcomes, but just experience things as they unfold.  You'll meet some "Nope!" people and some people will "Nope!" you, but you will eventually find something good happening.

 

Rob T

[RobFTC]

I guess this is the *poof" thing some of you have mentioned.

 

I'm sorry JeanGenie - no fun at all.  This is crappy behaviour.  I had a ghosting happen with a local widow - she had told me she loved me on our third date, and as we were setting up the fourth date, she vanished.  I got a single "you will always be special to me" text I think two months later.  It's a chicken-shit thing to do, and it hurt, but it was good in retrospect to know that was how she rolled.  This guy might have had another relationship get serious and been too timid to say so, or just been freaked out (it does sound like things were moving fast).  He could try to come back, either apologetically or as if nothing had happened, but I think it would be best for you to not be open to anything with him.

 

The good news is that you know the equipment still works, and it sounds like you were paying attention to all of the right things.  Once you get involved, it's going to sting if it doesn't go forward - that's just proof that you cared.  One bad experience doesn't mean there aren't great people out there still, so when you've licked your wounds, do give it another try.  I dated a lot before I met my current paramour, and I met a lot of great people and only a few dodgy ones, and I hope you do as well in future.

 

Take care,

Rob T