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momtokam

On line dating vents and laughs......

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Yes it hurts but you have to shake it off. In the back of  your mind you knew this was a very real possibility. If this is the way she feels, and it appears it is, she isn't the one for you. 

 

Sorry my man but this is just the way it is. :(

 

Stand up, dust yourself off, and walk boldly back into the fray.

 

Good luck - Mike

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LF    Hugs to you as you begin the process of being single again.  I get it on the empty feeling of those beautiful days and no set plans with somebody that you care about.  So sorry that this isn't working out for you, in due time you will find good love - I'm sure of it.  I'd suggest a bit of R&R before starting again, some indulgent self care is good for the soul.

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LF, I'm so sorry it isn't going to work out. That so sucks and always made me feel loss of DH more sharply for a bit. But take a breath, dust yourself off, and try again. She's out there looking for you. 

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I'm sorry it didn't work out LF. 

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I am so sorry. I feel I can relate to what you're experiencing. I'm not one to shout; Why Me?! or "It's Not Fair!" to the heavens, but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it's often tempting. I can't help but feel, deep down, that I'm owed some happiness after what I've been through. It's not easy to do what you've done: make yourself vulnerable to someone, but you did it. If you can, please take pride in that. What we can give is as important as what we get.

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For those of you who don't know me I haven't ventured into online dating. I'm honestly not sure that I ever will. I have been dating though. I think I'm ready for another break. I took a break last May. Sort of ironic. Then I met the guy I was dating in August (on my birthday). We ended things a few weeks ago. I'm starting a certification program next Monday, so I'm guessing that I won't have much time for dating anyway. 

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Thank you everyone, a good friend pointed out to me that I hit one out of the park with the first woman I ever dated. I was married to her for 25 years. Which means when everyone else was making mistakes and learning about dating in their college years I didn't learn anything. So now I get to make all my mistakes in my late, late 40s.

 

Learning by doing and making mistakes in the (public) here on the boards is a little embarrassing but what the hell. So here is the update.

 

A. and I are still talking. I enjoy her company when it is available and I have stopped trying to put her in a category which has made me more relaxed. I am letting it be what it will be. I have also set up meet and greets with two other women. 

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LH sorry for the dating hiccup. You need to see the glass half full not half empty. Yes she has issues she needs to learn to come to terms with but you had a positive dating experience with her generally and you are learning things about this new version of you. I look at this online dating thing that way - focus on what I learned versus the why it failed and I don't blame any one. It's about compatibility, mutual respect, etc. For us who never had to date as young adults, it is challenging. 

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I was online dating for several years on and off and I had a number of false starts. Painful, yes, but I learned a lot from my dating experiences (and , honestly, I think Ive almost seen it all at this point). I learned that when people are emotionally closed off, you cant "fix" it and need to move on as these individuals tend to not be great partners in relationships. I learned too that trying to meet someone new wasn't going to look like it did before, and it is even tougher mid-life given baggage, kids, divorces etc. I learned to take things date by date (especially at the beginning) and to move slowly. I learned that I needed to understand how the online dating world worked and to try and find my own way to work with it (as it is hard to meeting people through other channels). I learned it was important to be honest to myself, and to those I met (i.e. not letting drag on if I wasn't interested). Wishing everyone the best out there...none of this is easy but I think there are great people out there for all of us...we just need to find them.

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Well said CW.  There are great people out there for all of us.  Finding them is the trick.  I had as many false starts as anyone I've met, and a few of them were quite painful.  I especially agree with your comment about being honest with yourself and those you meet.  That is easier said than done but is essential work and must be done.

 

An open mind about what you may be looking for is a good idea as well.  When I first started looking I thought that only a widow would do.  I expected that a widow would understand things the way I understand them.  That idea now looks like nonsense.  Nobody experiences life, love, and loss the same way that anyone else does.  And many people don't even know what they are looking for until they realize that they have found it.  Case in point.  The lady I am living with now had no intention of finding a committed LTR.  She lived alone for 34 years before we met and was only looking for casual dating.  If I had known that I probably would not have asked for the M&G.  I am glad we met though.  After 70 years life still holds surprises. 

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LF I'm sorry you are hurting. We have all stumbled, some (me) more than others. No need for embarrassment. 

 

My experience: while remaining in contact may ease the pain of the breakup, it really just prolongs it, and gives a little hope in the back of your mind that maybe something will change and work out (chances are this is highly unlikely). Plus, it really doesn't go over well with the new dates. Somebody said to me once that if you are hanging out with Mr. Wrong, it only blocks the view for Mr. Right.  

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Thanks everyone. Back to online dating and the joy of being ignored by the woman I am attracted to and pursued by the women I am not attracted to. . .

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11 minutes ago, Leadfeather said:

Thanks everyone. Back to online dating and the joy of being ignored by the woman I am attracted to and pursued by the women I am not attracted to. . . 

Have you considered asking out one or two of the ladies that don't turn your crank initially?

 

You may be surprised at what you discover. Effective profiles are notoriously difficult to write. Perhaps some of the women don't appeal to you due to a incomplete, poorly written profile.

 

I went on more blind dates than ones I set up. And I never turned down a requested date from another. I called it kamikaze dating - I really had no idea of what to expect many times. It was fun!

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OMG - Why oh WHY can't people just be honest?!?!?  I'm coming up on 3 years since my honey left......  been actively working the online dating thing for a couple of months - ran into a super convincing catfisher....  that was awful.....  And then this weekend, had an impromptu meet-greet with a lovely man.....  only to realize he totally lied about his age.....  In most every way, he's a great guy - I'd love to spend more time with him - but why lie about your age?  And if you'll lie about that........  what else are you willing to lie about?  So.....  Is this a dealbreaker?  Does one lie really lead to more?  Or am I overreacting?  (He claimed to be a bit younger than me, then when we met, I realized he looked older....and then started doing the math.... he's actually about 15 years older than he claimed...... he looks good for his age....but....... he lied......... so.... yeah. )

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8 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

 In most every way, he's a great guy - I'd love to spend more time with him - but why lie about your age?  And if you'll lie about that........  what else are you willing to lie about?  So.....  Is this a dealbreaker?  Does one lie really lead to more?  Or am I overreacting?  (He claimed to be a bit younger than me, then when we met, I realized he looked older....and then started doing the math.... he's actually about 15 years older than he claimed...... he looks good for his age....but....... he lied......... so.... yeah. )

 

Oh, that's easy. It's because some folks put age limits as part of their *must haves* and he knows that there are some women that would not meet him simply because he has seen more earth revolutions around the sun than others. In short, yes, I think you are overreacting. This is nothing. I've never known women to fib about their age so there's that. 9_9 

 

Since In other aspects, you seemed to like him - go for it. I'd give this a pass. It doesn't mean a damn thing about his character.

 

Little white lies in the pursuit of goodness are nothingburgers.  

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

 

 

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10 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

OMG - Why oh WHY can't people just be honest?!?!?  I'm coming up on 3 years since my honey left......  been actively working the online dating thing for a couple of months - ran into a super convincing catfisher....  that was awful.....  And then this weekend, had an impromptu meet-greet with a lovely man.....  only to realize he totally lied about his age.....  In most every way, he's a great guy - I'd love to spend more time with him - but why lie about your age?  And if you'll lie about that........  what else are you willing to lie about?  So.....  Is this a dealbreaker?  Does one lie really lead to more?  Or am I overreacting?  (He claimed to be a bit younger than me, then when we met, I realized he looked older....and then started doing the math.... he's actually about 15 years older than he claimed...... he looks good for his age....but....... he lied......... so.... yeah. )

Wow, 15 years, that is quite the lie. Isn't it so different when we meet people in our daily lives? I'm not always the best judge of age. Sometimes I'll be talking to a woman that is 10-15 years my junior when I'm out and about, thinking all the while that we are about the same age. 

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Posted (edited)

RAM, No, I don't think you are over-reacting. There is no one-size-fits-all explanation for why a person lies, but to me, a person who lies is not a person whom I care to get involved with. I find Portside's suggestion that he lied to broaden his search hits to be offensive and insulting, as if potential dates can't determine for themselves what their own parameters are? I think that is reflective of his character, implying that either he is special, he doesn't have to follow the rules, and/or he knows better than you what you want. Blech. I ran into plenty of liars before I met my keeper. One guy even lied about how many kids he had. (I didn't waste my time or energy to find out why.) 

Edited by Abitlost
typo
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I have always agreed with RAM and Abitlost on this subject.  I pride myself on being meticulously honest.  CL was impressed from the first moment on our meet & greet because I looked just like my photos.   I was honest about my dad bod and my average height and the lines in my face.

 

There is an interesting article on Smithsonian.com titled  Study Looks at Why We All Spew So Much BS

The article makes a good case arguing that everyone will spread the BS but there is a difference between BSing and lying.

 

Quote

definition of bullshitting is “a pervasive social behavior involving communication with little to no concern for evidence and/or established semantic, logical, systemic, or empirical knowledge.” Bullshitting is not lying per se—Petrocelli says a liar is someone who is actually concerned with the truth and is actively trying to divert their audience from the truth. Bullshitters, on the other hand, don’t really care if what they are saying is true or not, they’re just putting their opinion out there.

 

I would say that someone who deceives about their age is a liar actively trying to divert someone from the truth.

 

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In my opinion, and only my opinion. If he is willing to lie about x he is willing to lie about y. Trust is important in a long lasting relationship, and this would be a strike against him in my book. If you want to continue to see him I would ask point blank why he did it and then judge if his answer is good enough to let you keep seeing him.

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5 hours ago, Portside said:

 

Oh, that's easy. It's because some folks put age limits as part of their *must haves* and he knows that there are some women that would not meet him simply because he has seen more earth revolutions around the sun than others. In short, yes, I think you are overreacting. This is nothing. I've never known women to fib about their age so there's that. 9_9 

 

Since In other aspects, you seemed to like him - go for it. I'd give this a pass. It doesn't mean a damn thing about his character.

 

Little white lies in the pursuit of goodness are nothingburgers.  

 

Good luck - Mike

 

 

 

 

Rubbish, it's dishonest. Whether women do it or not is irrelevant, straw man there. Thankfully I didn't have to step into the online minefield...

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Oh I get the age lying on the dating sites...didn't do it but can understand it. Some guys that I was interested in, put restrictions on who could contact them by age. I was looking for someone around my age and I couldn't  contact them because they put a lower age. I was a bit frustrated( although maybe it told me a little about their personality that they were seeking younger), I'm active and young looking but was stopped in my tracks by the age restrictions. i tried to tell myself their loss, but was frustrated. I thought it was generally guys looking for younger girls but maybe it goes  both ways and maybe he felt like he had been blocked and adjusted his age.

 

I agree with LF". If you want to continue to see him I would ask point blank why he did it and then judge if his answer is good enough to let you keep seeing him."

 

I am actually dating a fellow that lied about his location by about 80 km but he told me within 10 minutes of meeting and explained why. His actual location is very rural/farmville and definitely would have left me with an impression that isn't him at all. 

 

Anyway If the interaction was good I'd wait a little to pass judgement

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On ‎5‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 1:17 AM, RyanAmysMom said:

In most every way, he's a great guy - I'd love to spend more time with him...

There's your hint. I would definitely ask him about the age thing - it may be interesting to find out his answer. Maybe he simply entered something incorrectly on the dating app/website?

 

I do find the comments about one lie begetting other lies to be humorous. Who among us has never lied? Does that make us all serial liars? If I get a traffic ticket does that mean I have total disregard for all laws? And his 'lie' (if it was indeed a lie) couldn't have been counted on to deceive you for long - he'd had to know that you would find out sooner than later he's older than he said he was.

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51 minutes ago, serpico said:

 

I do find the comments about one lie begetting other lies to be humorous. Who among us has never lied? Does that make us all serial liars?

There are some areas where I am ok with a lie, there are other I am not.  If I lie to spare someones feelings the reason behind the lie is in my opinion fundamentally different than if I lie to make myself look better. Being lied to by a person with whom I am trying to form a deep an lasting relationship, or lying to that same person is a place I am not willing to compromise. 

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