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momtokam

On line dating vents and laughs......

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I admit I’ve told my share of little white lies and I think I’m generally a decent human being, so a bit of fudging here and there? That’s cool. I’ve never lied about my age, but maybe that’s because people usually think I’m younger and my ego enjoys the shock when I’m honest. But 15 years is a rather substantial fudge. When I read that I just rolled my eyes and assumed he was one of those people who can’t stand to date their own age, tells themselves they’re young at heart so need a younger partner to match, but doesn’t want them to know this because then they might get shut down from the get-go. I’d definitely be interested in the reason he gives you and what his own age parameters are for potential dating partners. 

 

 I’ve never done online dating, but from talking to my friends it seems the more honest you are with your details- and use of very recent full body photographs- the better the meet and greet goes. 

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On 5/14/2018 at 1:17 AM, RyanAmysMom said:

OMG - Why oh WHY can't people just be honest?!?!?  - but why lie about your age?  And if you'll lie about that........  what else are you willing to lie about?  So.....  Is this a dealbreaker?  Does one lie really lead to more? 

I had a couple (well, at least three) lie about their ages by 17-24 years.  It makes no sense, does it. Lying by only a few years won't help much, lying by a lot is lying a lot.

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10 hours ago, faye said:

lie about their ages by 17-24 years

 

That is a whole generation. In 24 years I could have raised a child and become a grandparent. 

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18 hours ago, Bunny said:

...I’ve never done online dating, but from talking to my friends it seems the more honest you are with your details- and use of very recent full body photographs- the better the meet and greet goes. 

This should be required reading for anyone doing the online dating.  Honesty with the details!

I never met a woman who had obviously lied about her age with the numbers but I met more than a few who lied with their photo.  Interestingly the worst three were all realtors.  Occupational hazard?  Realtors all use the same photo on business cards year after year.

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48 minutes ago, Love2fish said:

but I met more than a few who lied with their photo.  Interestingly the worst three were all realtors. 

 

and. . . I have a M&G with a realtor this Friday. 😉

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Okay, how about a thought experiment for all those folks who suggest a fib on one part of your profile suggests you are not to be trusted or need to be looked at with a sceptical eye.  

 

While dating, I saw of woman that seemed interesting. She had posted a profile pic of her from the waist up. Lovely woman and the rest of the profile seemed fine to me. We made a date, I went and it turns out she was wheelchair bound. Hell of a nice gal. An exceptional, accomplished person. Not a word about her disability in her profile. However, in my profile I said I was looking for an athletic, active woman.

 

Was she deceitful? If so, was that indicative of some other big whoppers? What else is she hiding - right?

 

For me it was not - this wonderful woman knew that many, if not most guys would have blown her off and never given her a chance. And she wanted a chance to make a good first impression. Which she did. In spades. I was the small-minded one saying I desired an "athletic, active woman".

 

(We discontinued dating because she found her forever guy. My loss.) 

 

Best wishes - Mike 

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2 hours ago, Portside said:

Okay, how about a thought experiment for all those folks who suggest a fib on one part of your profile suggests you are not to be trusted or need to be looked at with a sceptical eye.  

 

While dating, I saw of woman that seemed interesting. She had posted a profile pic of her from the waist up. Lovely woman and the rest of the profile seemed fine to me. We made a date, I went and it turns out she was wheelchair bound. Hell of a nice gal. An exceptional, accomplished person. Not a word about her disability in her profile. However, in my profile I said I was looking for an athletic, active woman.

 

Was she deceitful? If so, was that indicative of some other big whoppers? What else is she hiding - right?

 

For me it was not - this wonderful woman knew that many, if not most guys would have blown her off and never given her a chance. And she wanted a chance to make a good first impression. Which she did. In spades. I was the small-minded one saying I desired an "athletic, active woman".

 

(We discontinued dating because she found her forever guy. My loss.) 

 

Best wishes - Mike 

No Mike, I do not think she was deceitful. Being disabled does not render a person unathletic or inactive. Google Tatyana McFadden for starters; she has won the push-rim division of the Boston Marathon five times, along with several other accomplishments. Even if your date wasn't active or athletic, not revealing to you that she was disabled is hardly the same thing as intentional deception with a flat out lie about age. While you put athletic and active (which is obviously up for interpretation) in the wish-list of your profile, age is a concrete fact.

 

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I agree with Love2fish, one is an omission of a fact, the other is a deliberate lie. They are not the same thing.

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Abitlost,/LF, I hear you but I honestly think you guys are truly ignoring my point.

 

It's okay. I'm not here to change anyone's mind. Simply to offer a different perspective than what might be the usual view.

 

The OP needs to make her decision and go forward with it. I wish her, and you all, well.

 

Dating, I gather from reading all the stories over the years, can be difficult and tiring. Mine was not - maybe I was lucky. My approach to people, and to dating, certainly isn't for everyone. But it worked. I had a ball doing it.

 

I do find it interesting that many posters here feel that any deviation from the truth, whether large or small, when dating, is indicative of some other unknown character flaw. I would be sad if that is how I approached the bulk of humanity. Of course, some things would cause me to bail, others would not. The specific age situation the OP listed would not.

 

But, to each their own.

 

Good luck! Mike

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7 minutes ago, Portside said:

I do find it interesting that many posters here feel that any deviation from the truth, whether large or small, when dating, is indicative of some other unknown character flaw.

 

It is not indicative of some other unknown character flaw. It is the character flaw. It is up to each individual to decide what is worth over looking and what is not. Trust for me is the bedrock of a relationship. I chose not to date someone who from the start is less than honest with me about something so trivial because it reveals something about their character.

 

As an aside, I do not approach the bulk of humanity distrustful. I trust, until proven otherwise.

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On 5/15/2018 at 12:20 PM, Bunny said:

 assumed he was one of those people who can’t stand to date their own age, tells themselves they’re young at heart so need a younger partner to match, but doesn’t want them to know this because then they might get shut down from the get-go. I’d definitely be interested in the reason he gives you and what his own age parameters are for potential dating partners. 

 

 

This is precisely what he was thinking!  Turns out, he did lie to me about his age - he is 15 years older....  And at 45-60, that's a lot for me to handle.  I mean, I buried one husband...  what are the chances of doing that again?  And the age disparity would just grow over time.... 

So, while we've been compatible, and he's been honest otherwise, I have chosen to move on....  There were some other "issues" with his character that I didn't find attractive....   

I never thought I'd be the one who compared every man to my hubby.... but I guess I am....  

 

Another thing I realized was that while I was having a great time, I was enjoying the attention, and the feelings....  I might like the attention and fun and feelings better with someone else.  

 

 

I just want to add....  I had no intention of creating a huge debate here with my original comment - and I hope that no one felt offended or attacked by the comments and disagreements - I truly appreciated the variety of responses - because it gave me a good variety of viewpoints - And I found it hugely helpful to consider so many opinions.  

 

J

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I think it's great you had a good time. Ok, not the guy for you for a bunch of reasons - but you had fun and discovered you CAN enjoy the feelings associated with dating. Wonderful!

 

(You didn't start the debate, btw - I did. :)  )

 

I seem to have that knack.

 

Best wishes - Mike

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19 hours ago, RyanAmysMom said:

I just want to add....  I had no intention of creating a huge debate here with my original comment - and I hope that no one felt offended or attacked by the comments and disagreements - I truly appreciated the variety of responses - because it gave me a good variety of viewpoints - And I found it hugely helpful to consider so many opinions.  

 

J

 

Very happy to hear that things have worked out J.  

Questions like this are always going to be seen on a spectrum.  I appreciate anyone who will discuss such things and make an honest contribution.  I think we all have a comfort zone and that we should allow that comfort zone to be challenged.  That is when growth is possible.  Without growth there is no life.  Thank you fro giving us the chance to think about this.

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Debates are good. They rarely change minds but they help people clarify what they believe.

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This is an on-line dating thread so your comments, and the debate that followed, are all important for the learning curve of those who want to dip their toes in that process, yes? Hopeful you convinced a few to go ahead and be grown up honest adults already - and show others to procede with a modicum of caution. 

 

And i I don’t think you were over-reacting. Of course widowhood makes some of us more cautious about playing those mortality odds when picking future partners. But also- 15 damn years! How delusional do you have to be to think this is a good idea in the long run? I don’t think there are many men who would enjoy finding out they were on a date with a 60 year old woman when they were expecting someone 43- no matter how young she felt inside. 

 

I was in a relationship for several years with a man 10 years older and the generation gap was Big- even with him being more athletic than me 😉 I’ve also dated significantly younger, but I’ve just always preferred someone near my own age and (if I had one) I’d have a dating profile that reflected that -and expect men to respect that wish. 

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1 minute ago, Bunny said:

This is an on-line dating thread so your comments, and the debate that followed, are all important for the learning curve of those who want to dip their toes in that process, yes? Hopeful you convinced a few to go ahead and be grown up honest adults already - and show others to procede with a modicum of caution. 

 

And i I don’t think you were over-reacting. Of course widowhood makes some of us more cautious about playing those mortality odds when picking future partners. But also- 15 damn years! How delusional do you have to be to think this is a good idea in the long run? I don’t think there are many men (including the one you went out with) who would enjoy finding out they were on a date with a 60 year old woman when they were expecting someone 43- no matter how young she felt inside. 

 

I was in a relationship for several years with a man 10 years older and the generation gap was Big- even with him being more athletic than me 😉 I’ve also dated significantly younger, but I’ve just always preferred someone near my own age and (if I had one) I’d have a dating profile that reflected that -and expect men to respect that wish. 

 

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Had a m&g scheduled for Friday. She canceled an hour before and I have not heard back from her. Had another m&g scheduled for tonight. This one canceled a half hour before. If I extrapolate it out the third one should cancel as I get to the venue. And I should meet the 4th one because she will not cancel until a half hour after we meet. 😛

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Oh my goodness Leadfeather, that totally made me laugh! I'm glad to see that you have not lost your sense of humor! :)

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I'm okay with those who lie about their age for search purposes and declare their real age in their bio. Where I live (NYC) men also lie about where they live (perhaps women do too, but how would I know?). I think this particular brand of lie is unique to metro areas. The man wants to appear urban when in fact he lives in the suburbs. What a bizarre thing to lie about. Like the age lie for search purposes, one needs to read the fine print of the bio (i.e., work in NY, live in CT) to discover..."Ah, this man lives a very different life than I do."

 

I have dated men who live in the suburbs. I learned pretty quickly that lifestyle had to go lower down on the list. I never had a list before online dating. In my 20s it wasn't about a list. But now?!!! Well, let's just say there's a reason I'm single. 

- Funny

- Smart

- Educated

- Kind

- Jewish

- Emotionally Present

- Attractive (to me)

- Open minded (politically and socially)

 

Need I go on?! Now take that list and add to it the elusive and intangible "IT" factor. You know? That feeling that makes you feel equal parts "at home" and weak in the knees. Well, as I said; that's why I'm single.

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WidowWhisperer -- I don't think you have a list that is that different from anyone's. You have expectations and standards. As we all do. My list was pretty much the same as yours, except for Jewish, I had 'diverse' (for me, it would be disingenuous to teach diversity courses but limit myself from being open to date men from a variety of cultures or ethnicities). It was trial and error that led me to BF, who I met online. This weekend makes two years since we met. We now live together. Who knows what the future holds?

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1 hour ago, arneal said:

WidowWhisperer -- I don't think you have a list that is that different from anyone's. ...

 

No disrespect to either of you fine ladies.  I love it that some people know what they are looking for.  You have my respect and best wishes.

 

But me, I had no list.  One of the ladies I met remains a friend today.  She kept pushing me to make a list.  She really wanted me to succeed . (I think I have)   She kept saying "How are you going to know when you found the right one unless you know what you are looking for?"  I stubbornly resisted making that list.  And I think that has worked out for me.    I told NG one evening I had not been looking for some one like her because I never could have imagined that someone like she existed.  How could I have put her qualities on a list?

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No disrespect felt at all, Love2 -- my list is more esoteric ... I guess it would be clearer for me to say that I knew more of what I didn't want and had a general idea of what I did want. Like not someone who drinks more than socially; someone with a faith base -- not necessarily the same as mine but if not a believer in some way, we probably would be too different; someone who was not a total couch potato since I do go for walks or to the gym. I still suggest that in some way, we all have some parameters ...

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The list?! Had to laugh.  Before widowed, Steve Harvey was touring after writing a book about dating.  He addressed the “list”,  and it was funny but also for real.  

 

I had an idea of what I wanted. Another widowed man would be great. Or...  Little older maybe, children likely grown then as I was a later parent due to infertility issues (LH’s cancer came out). If divorced, kids are grown at least or close to being grown and independent. I met ng online, faith based which was a necessity for me.  And he is younger, with younger children as he started late in life, also.  And divorce drama.  He still teases me about my ideals.  Yup....

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Oh yes, tybec -- the 'list' is not in stone for sure. I love to say it's about the vibe, right? If we get the chance to meet, will we feel that bit of compatibility that could lead to more (if the moons and stars align, if we don't turn out to be allergic to each other, if if if if) 😅 😁

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I don’t think I’ve ever really had a list.... maybe I’ve uttered the words ‘no more musicians!’ more than once; and i admit I’ve never really trusted a man whose too interested in showering me with gifts/compliments. I have, however, noticed that I definitely seem to have a ‘type’.  Apparently, I really enjoy the more complicated and strong-willed men. Judging from my history, I’d say they do seem to truly fascinate me to no end! 🙂 

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