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momtokam

On line dating vents and laughs......

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Hey there, Virgo -- sending you love and light as you continue to navigate {{{hugs}}}

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So the next sub-section in my never-ending thought process about social media and relationships 😅

 

I placed the 'in a relationship' moniker on my profile yesterday. I made it private so it didn't broadcast to the entire web. I didn't put an 'anniversary' date on it. It's just there. I was thinking about BF's approach to relationships. He is still very much a 'yours' and 'mine' sort of guy. I know that's because of the hurts he's dealt with in the past but I'm over it lol. I don't say that in a callous way, but as we have all agreed here, when you lose someone to the other side of the Rainbow Bridge, your heart is very different than if you divorced them and they are still around. The hurt is different. The sense of pain and loss are different. Not more or less, but different. He struggles with that pain of two relationships that didn't turn out as he'd hoped. We've been under the same roof for a year now, believe it or not. He is acting on some of his dreams, which I support because I believe in what he is doing to plan for his future. But where I fit into that, I don't know ... I mean, he will say things that show he is planning to include me, but I like a bit more info. I am a very concrete sort of person. 

 

My birthday is next week, the five-oh. With him doing his classes, I don't expect anything. He's not a very celebratory sort and I'm okay with that since it is a work day  for me anyhow. But in its way, its all sort of anticlimactic. I don't plan to even bring it up but it will be interesting to see what he says as my mom and maybe other family members ring me or friends post on social media as they are apt to do.

 

I suspect that I will have the conversation about if or when he thinks the conversation will move way from 'yours' and 'mine' to more of a 'we' and 'ours' ...

 

Yeah, that was a ramble. Thanks for 'listening' ...

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Arneal,

 

Wished we could a IRL 5-0 celebration!  I would be there in a heart beat to cheer you!  Birthdays are big when your mate never made it to those big ones, I think!  How I celebrate it, anyway!    Prayers of discernment about life.  It is ever complicated, is it not?  

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Have you asked him where he sees you when he talks about his dreams and future plans? I think if it's on your mind you should bring it up. Your feelings are valid. 

 

I've never made it to the "in a relationship " on social media phase. My friends and I joke that it's a relationship ender, but honestly I will probably will change it privately like you did if I get to that point with someone. 

 

Happy 50th early! Maybe he'll surprise you and have something planned.

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Thank you, tybec and Virgo! It is on my mind and I am always thoughtful about when I ask such questions because I tend to be a bit direct. I've learned over the years that is where my autistic traits come out (I totally see how my son is on the spectrum when I am honestly introspective about my own journey) and that I have to be careful how and when I approach certain things. Celebrating anything is not BFs style but we are in the same house and I know he will want some of the cake I bought once I cut it, so there's that 😅

 

Yeah, I went out today and whilst at the store, I saw a lemon cake. I've been posting here and there about my birthday on social media but not making a deal since I know I can't do a big thing for myself. I was hoping to get back to see my mom at her birthday but I am scheduled to teach that week. I have to work on my birthday but will take the next day off because I have a dental appointment (yay ...). I don't expect BF to do much, beyond wishing me happy birthday that day. 

 

When it comes to the relationship thing, we are in the same house and have been for the past year. This May will be three years that we've been connected. As far as I am concerned, that's relationship. I didn't broadcast as it's not anyone's business but posted privately for myself. I assume that if anyone looks at my profile they might see it. I don't know. I wear this little ring BF gave me on my 'ring finger' when I go out as it signifies to me that I am in a relationship. He is observant and I know he's seen it but has made no comments either way. I wouldn't force the issue of marriage as I have done it twice and beyond some of the practical benefits like health insurance to cover him, there's not much else as far as purpose ... I guess after loss, the practical has precedent over the magical? Not that marriage has ever been magical for me ...

 

Anyway, thanks again for 'listening'!

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👑HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARNEAL ❤️, May your day be filled with love, happiness and many many blessings ! 

 

Many of us here are with you in spirit girl ! 😉

 

Have a great day, and a little secret between us ( I was the big 55 back in sept.) I will always be older than you girl, lol....

 

ENJOY your day, and please know what a blessing you are to me and others here, thank you for being YOU!

 

Much LOVE, xoxoxo

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Virgo -  I read your earlier post and good for you for breaking off something that didn't feel right to you. Better than hanging on too long to something that isn't work. That takes real insight and courage. Wishing you all the best.

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Thank you so much, trying2 and sudnly! I have to work so it will be quiet. There were a few of us at the job on staff meeting just now who have February birthdays so they sang to us. That will be about the most exciting thing to happen lol. Know that I appreciate each of you!!

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Happy Birthday Arneal!!!  Hope you have a great day!!

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On 2/11/2019 at 11:53 AM, Captains wife said:

Virgo -  I read your earlier post and good for you for breaking off something that didn't feel right to you. Better than hanging on too long to something that isn't work. That takes real insight and courage. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you! I ended up seeing him this weekend, a group of friends went out, but it just reinforced my decision for me. 

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I guess this post belongs under the "laughs" part of the topic...I met someone through online dating about a year ago.  We chatted a little, but I was in the midst of breaking up with someone I had been on a few dates with and had lived a 3 hour drive from.  I told this new lady (Norma Jean) that I wasn't really ready to date right away again, so we chatted a little anyway.  I did contact her through Facebook about a month ago, as I felt ready to dip my toes into the dating pool again and really enjoyed our online conversation.  We've been on 3 dates now and everything seems to fit so well.  She told me when she looked at my dating profile, she showed it to her sister and said " Well, this guy doesn't look like he'd kill me in my sleep!".  Yes, us males have set the bar pretty high...Her sister answered her, "I know him, I went on a couple of dates with him in University!".  Small world!

Norma Jean is a really wonderful person who has lived through grief as well, losing a different sister to a car accident when she was in her early 20's.  She has also lost several other close friends before they turned 30 or 40.  She also beat leukaemia at the age of 14.

While I don't think grief can be the basis of a relationship for a widow/widower, I think it helps you understand the other person a little better.  We have only been seeing each other a short time, but I'm quite optimistic that I've found someone very special here, and look forward to seeing where life can take us together.  Just wanted to share that it's not all horror stories out there with online dating!

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I'm not here much, but a belated happy birthday to you. 

As for not doing a big thing for yourself, I guess not.  I did know a woman who had a small dinner party for her own birthday, and her plans were to tell each of the invited guests how they had helped her or changed her life for the better. It was the big five-oh for her, too. One wouldn't have to do that on a birthday, though.

 

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I started talking to my ex. Maybe it's just me being vulnerable right now, or maybe it's me hoping it was our timing before. We started talking more in January, but after my dad died in February we started seeing each other again. 

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Be gentle with yourself, Virgo ... it can be tough to enter into a familiar situation when dealing with all sorts of emotions but sounds like you are going in with your eyes open, which is good. 

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26 minutes ago, Virgo said:

I started talking to my ex. Maybe it's just me being vulnerable right now, or maybe it's me hoping it was our timing before. We started talking more in January, but after my dad died in February we started seeing each other again. 

I can identify with this.  Not the exact situation but the knowing you are vulnerable and wondering about exes.  I'm not a religious person but I believe in redemption.  And I'm also famous for bad choices so don't listen to me.

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1 hour ago, Love2fish said:

I can identify with this.  Not the exact situation but the knowing you are vulnerable and wondering about exes.  I'm not a religious person but I believe in redemption.  And I'm also famous for bad choices so don't listen to me.

We stopped seeing each other in April last year after he said "I love you" and I didn't say it back. We had been dating for 8 months. I had feelings for him, but I was keeping him at arms length. Saying I love you still felt like a betrayal to my LH for me. I just wasn't ready. He was also processing a breakup from a 4 year relationship. We reconnected in August, but weren't really consistent. I'm trying to just take it day by day, enjoy spending time with him. He's the only guy I've dated that I've ever been able to envision a future with. He's a great guy. My daughters like him too, which makes seeing him again more challenging too. 

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The daughters is something I never had to deal with but I appreciate that it is important to include them as much as possible.  Are they old enough to understand if you explain to them that this reunion is something you are exploring but not sure about yet?  I think kids can show more resilience if they have all the facts.

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I normally don't involve my girls, but since he and I dated for 8 months before we started involving them. Mostly just spending time hanging out at his house. My daughters are 19,17,and 11. It's my 11 year old that I worry about the most. It's funny, when we started talking again my girls just knew. They saw me smiling and laughing while I was on the phone and they excitedly asked, "are you talking to M? You only smile like that when you're talking to M." I tell them that he's a great guy, I like him a lot, but right now we're just friends. We're enjoying spending time together. 

 

Yesterday we went out for breakfast and spent a few hours together.  Then we went about our day. After my 11 year old and I went grocery shopping he suggested that we drop by his house on our way home for a bit. We ended up staying a few hours. My daughter ended up baking with him. It was sweet, but this is what worries me. 

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