jealousy

[DonnaP]

For a while now, I have been aware that I am totally envious of people whose lives have not been torn apart by the loss of a spouse. I have four siblings, all of whom are older than me (including my twin sister, who is 8 minutes older). So why do I resent the fact that everyone else still has their spouse, except for me? Mick wasn't the youngest of the guys. My twin's hubby was four years younger. And my brother was one year younger. But I have two other BILs who were 8-10 years older than Mick. Both of them have health issues but are still going strong. I'm also the only one among my friends who lost a spouse.

 

For all of these couples, their lives have carried on like nothing happened. Whereas my life was turned upside down, inside out and sideways. I'm so thankful that I found love and happiness again with MrDrew, but my life was reinvented in the process. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. There are elements of my life that are better than before. But merging two families comes with many complications. There are other people to consider. When I married again, I took on a step-daughter, and a dog in our household, plus the shared responsibility for the physically and mentally handicapped daughter of my husband's first wife. He feels a strong desire to continue his caretaking of her, which involves a weekly visit to spend the day with her. It's not a bad thing; but it is a time commitment.

 

I've got so much in my life to be thankful for. I have someone wonderful to share my life with now. He loves me like crazy! He now has a job in the same state (hurray) so he can be home with me every night. His daughter is a kind, intelligent young lady, who is fun to be with. Like any adolescent, she presents her own set of challenges (mood-swings, laziness, and sloppiness top the list) but for the most part, she is a loving daughter, and a good student who keeps out of trouble.

 

So what is it exactly I'm jealous of? When I hear about my twin sister's plans to get together with my brother and his wife (they live in the same town), I find myself wishing I was there too, doing those same things with them. I can't help but be envious when they all make plans to go on a trip together and I don't get invited to go too. Or if they go up to my brother's vacation house together to spend a holiday there, and again I'm not included. I realize I can't always expect to do everything that everyone else is doing, but dammit, I would at least like the option to participate if I choose to. Back in the before time, it was always me and Mick doing stuff with my twin and her hubby. We were the ideal foursome. The men got along great from Day 1. We went on countless trips together -- to Myrtle Beach a number of times, to Niagara Falls, to Ohio to Puerto Rico, to the Cape... It was always Us and Them. Now it's Them and my brother and SIL.

 

I realize that, in a smaller way, their lives were altered too when Mick died. My BIL lost his best friend. My twin had the triple grief of feeling the loss for herself, for me and for her spouse. We all mourned the loss in our own ways. When I became involved in a new relationship, it took me away on the weekends quite a bit. That was a choice I made. He lived in another state and it was far easier for me to travel to him than vice versa, because of his daughter and visitation with his step-daughter. But in doing so, I opened the door for my twin and her husband to become closer to my brother and his wife. Now they are thick as thieves and I'm the odd man out. It hurts. But I haven't a clue what to do about it.

 

I'm still sorting through these feelings. It's not right of me to deny them the same thing I asked for myself -- the right to choose how to get on with my life. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat it too

 

Either way, thanks for listening, and if you have any insights that might help me with this jealousy thing, by all means chime in and share.

This group has always been the best place to vent such things...

 

Donna

[markb74]

I avoided couple-friends. hearing about how they had a fight or something, or the story how one made the other sleep on the couch from a petty argument. finally last week I said to someone: quit bitching about the argument. at least you have a wife.

 

probably was not the right thing to do, but I really don't have a filter on my mouth any more sometimes.

[Sugarbell]

That one took me a while too.

 

I was rejected by my old couple friends here....but the new ones I am not jealous of...But it's been a long time for me.

 

My best girl friends from all school-all married high school sweethearts, never left the town we grew up in...are celebrating like 25 or 27 years of marriage. Not jealous...but realize they have had a more sheltered life than me...they seemed to always be protected from the elements of the big bad realities of the world.

 

But they accept me and me them...so it's ok.

 

But yeah, early on--the couples where I live now just made me cringe.

[Guest Bear1956]

I was jealous of old couples for a few years.

[donswife]

yes I can relate to this so much

I notices even when I am just driving around and see older couples I am instanly angry

just because it seems unfair that I won't ever have that

and the "couple" friends I have like you Donna (your family) do seem to have no problem forgetting I still exist

Not sure if I would even go to these events but nice to be asked

also friends who are in really unhappy marriages, bother me , not a jealousy thing

more like if you don't truly love each other just get it divorced

because when you have had the love of your life taken you could never imagine settling for anything else

 

 

[DonnaP]

Every time one of the couples I know celebrates another anniversary, it's like salt in the wound  

 

 

 

 

[Missmybecky]

I get this. I sometimes feel jealous of my friends and family that are still married and doing well. I am in my mid 30's and good things usually happen to people at my age. Those things are happening to some of the people I know, new car, new homes, etc. I am doing ok but it is a struggle raising 2 kids alone to say the least.  When I start feel jealous, I remind myself to be thankful for what I have. I really am lucky and I am in a good position despite being widowed and I am doing a good job juggling everything, I really don't think that many of the people that I know would be able to do what I do. It sounds like you are making the best of your situation and that is all that you can do.  Live your life  the way that you want and make the most of each day and try not to compare.

[MrsT85]

I get this. I sometimes feel jealous of my friends and family that are still married and doing well. I am in my mid 30's and good things usually happen to people at my age.

 

Yep, I get this too.  I'm turning 30 next month, so all my married friends have been putting down roots for their adult lives for the last couple years.  Tim's best friend and his wife just had a baby and bought a new house.  My BIL and his wife bought their first home last year.  I was just at a party with my New Guy on July 5th, and it was just a swarm of young married couples with toddlers.  Had Tim not died and all had gone according to plan, he'd be well into his second year of teaching and we'd have a little one who would be turning about a year old now. 

 

Instead, I'm "just starting out" again with NG.  Thinking about "ifs" rather than "whens" concerning things like even having the ability to start a family, own a home, etc.  It's occasionally rather soul crushing. 

 

My life should be so much farther along than it is.  And I should be building it with my Tim, the person who I remain wholly convinced was my soulmate if such a thing exists. 

 

So yeah. I'm jealous all the time.

[DonnaP]

Proposition: would I feel AS envious of other couples and their happiness if Mick were still alive? Probably not. But envy is a tricky thing -- it permeates and infiltrates (sneaky bastard!).

 

Resolution: As some of you have said (thank you btw!), I should focus on the positive aspects of my life, rather than dwell on the negatives and what-ifs.

 

Now, if I can only devise a path to get from A to B. I'll keep working on it. Maybe in time, it will come to me - hahah.

 

In the meantime, thanks for giving me a shoulder to lean upon. And picking me up. I needed that

[kjs1989]

Yep, I get this. You have more insight than me in thinking that, just as you, they have the right to re-adapt their lives since their loss to suit them. I never looked at it that way before.

 

Still... it sucks and seems so unfair. And no one, no matter how empathetic, supportive, and close to our spouses they were, can truly relate and comprehend this loss to the degree we, as widows and widowers experience it.  They just can't. And sometimes I wonder if maybe there is a bit of  weird resentment on their part?  Which is why they leave us out sometimes? I don't know. Just a thought.

 

I am really think of D's brother and wife here. They were very resentful and seemingly jealous of the support I received after D died. His brother even said, " Everyone seems to forget I lost a brother. All they care about are you and the kids." So how did they handle it??  They back-stabbed me,  undermined me, and tried to make me appear incompetent by talking about me to others with regard to the decisions I was making in terms of my financial and business matters and my personal life. They made sure I was unaware of family get-togethers on D's side, contacted my kids but not me, and even "forgot" to tell me a beloved aunt died so I could attend her funeral on D's behalf and pay my respects to D's side of the family.

 

Yep, great times.

 

 

[SieOma]

Donna,

 

I wouldn't know from experience, but it seems like a twin sister in the situation packs an extra punch. Have you thought about planning something for all six of you to get together? Taking the initiative and running with it? If you do, then plan it for everybody, I would think, because it isn't going to be the same and getting everybody involved might remove that expectation and then the disappointment, awkwardness...

 

Just some thoughts.

[DonnaP]

Donna,

 

I wouldn't know from experience, but it seems like a twin sister in the situation packs an extra punch. Have you thought about planning something for all six of you to get together? Taking the initiative and running with it? If you do, then plan it for everybody, I would think, because it isn't going to be the same and getting everybody involved might remove that expectation and then the disappointment, awkwardness...

 

Just some thoughts.

 

Thanks, SieOma,

 

Yes, in fact, I have considered organizing a trip for all of us. There just hasn't been a good time to do that as of yet. My new husband started a new job this year and has little or no vacation time, so the group vacation idea will have to wait a bit. I think (make that HOPE) things will improve over time. But, as 51, I just don't have thirty years to wait for my family to accept my new husband like my they did Mick.

[Guaruj]

Donna - I am sorry to hear that you feel excluded by other members of your family.  I haven't experienced this myself - yet.

 

Yes, in fact, I have considered organizing a trip for all of us. There just hasn't been a good time to do that as of yet. My new husband started a new job this year and has little or no vacation time, so the group vacation idea will have to wait a bit. I think (make that HOPE) things will improve over time.

 

Here are my questions about inviting everyone along:

• Are you ready for the risk of them spending all their time talking to each other and excluding you?
  
• Are you ready for one of them to mention (previously unknown) things they did without you?
  
• Would it be easier for you to start with just one couple and work from there?
  

 

I hope that they're not doing all of this deliberately, but instead just sticking with what's comfortable and familiar to them.

 

But, as 51, I just don't have thirty years to wait for my family to accept my new husband like my they did Mick.

 

I'm surprised that it's taken them more than 30 days to do that.

 

Good luck with all of this.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[hikermom]

Hugs Donna!

 

I get the jealousy. Fortunately it doesn't hit me too often but there are times when it strikes out of the blue. For me it can either be old couples I know and see them having another anniversary, another vacation together. For some reason, my BIL is the biggest trigger for me. But I have my own shit to work out there - still trying to figure out why I resent him so much!

 

I also get jealous of other people I know my age, who are single and have found a new partner. Not widows/widowers so much but divorced friends. Their kids go with the other parent every other weekend so they have time to date and meet people. I'm actually much more jealous of them.

 

For me, it is the loneliness and the sense of "otherness" that widowhood brings. I sometimes go out with friend couples and sometimes it is good, sometimes a bit awkward. But the feeling of being the odd-man-out never quite seems to fade. I know your situation is different but I think they are all on the same spectrum.

 

I know you're thinking of a vacation all together but that has to wait. Can you do a long weekend or even just an overnight some weekend? Are folks too far away for that? I know how hard it is to be waiting for the call and not get it. I know I can feel resentful that it often falls to me to do the asking. But I also know that it usually doesn't happen if I don't make it happen. Then, sometimes, once you've got the ball rolling, it is easier for the others to keep that ball rolling.

 

Good luck.

 

[hachi]

Hey Donna,

 

I get this. In the first years my BIL and I were thick as thieves. Checking on each other all of the time. Dropping things at a moments notice to do something crazy like drive to Canada to spread some of DH's ashes at their mother's grave and their childhood places.

 

We are both in relationships now, and I adore his girlfriend. I guess I had visions of the four of us doing things together more often, but it seems that we can't pull it together. They have other friends that they are always doing things with, and I feel excluded unless I call and weasel an invitation out of them. I've done it a few times and it has always been really fun, but I just wish they would initiate more often.

 

But do feel the green monster when I hear that they have gone off with their other friends and didn't think of us. Feel  ya girl, for what it's worth.

[DonnaP]

 

So what is it exactly I'm jealous of? When I hear about my twin sister's plans to get together with my brother and his wife (they live in the same town), I find myself wishing I was there too, doing those same things with them. I can't help but be envious when they all make plans to go on a trip together and I don't get invited to go too. Or if they go up to my brother's vacation house together to spend a holiday there, and again I'm not included. I realize I can't always expect to do everything that everyone else is doing, but dammit, I would at least like the option to participate if I choose to. Back in the before time, it was always me and Mick doing stuff with my twin and her hubby. We were the ideal foursome. The men got along great from Day 1. We went on countless trips together -- to Myrtle Beach a number of times, to Niagara Falls, to Ohio to Puerto Rico, to the Cape... It was always Us and Them. Now it's Them and my brother and SIL.

 

 

The green monster is knocking on my door again...

 

So random, too.

 

Background:

Tonight, Andrew and I are attending a fund-raiser dinner-dance, organized by one of my other sisters and her husband. All of my siblings and their spouses are going.

 

So, this morning, I called my twin to see what her plan was for getting there. I had assumed she'd be going home after work, changing and driving up with her husband... maybe car pooling with my brother's wife, since my brother works up in Hartford and it is way out of the way for him to go home first. Instead... my twin got a ride to work with my brother. He is picking her up after work and the two of THEM are driving together to the event. I can't really explain why this bothers me so much. It just does. I live in the same town that she works in, but obviously I could not have dropped her off at her office. For THAT ride, she did indeed need my brother. BUT, I certainly could have picked her up later and she could have gone to the event with me and Andrew. It shouldn't be a big deal, right? Why, why WHY does this bother me so much?

 

I'm still close with my twin. We do stuff together all the time. But for all the times she and I get together, there are two more times that she and her husband get together with my brother and his wife... Sigh. I don't really know what to do about this dilemma -- if anything.

 

Just needed to vent a bit... thanks for listening.

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Donna, you need to have an honest talk with your Sister. It's that simple.  Just do it! Does your brother live closer and it's only details? Or is it more in your head?  I know, it's all f'ed and it hurts!

Peace to you!

[DonnaP]

Yes. My brother and his wife live in the same town as my twin sister and her husband. So obviously geography is on their side. I know I should talk to my sister, but I am afraid to do so