Women (and men) in careers and also with small children

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi.  It is time for the latest installment of "how am I ever going to maintain my career while parenting this child." 

 

We've had some incidences lately.  M is more verbal now, which I want to think is a good thing but I have my moments of doubt.  She has repeatedly told me that she hates me and she hates my job.  I've tried to explain that I always had this job (for those new to the M saga, I am a college professor) even when Daddy was alive and that part of the reason she and her Dad had so much time together sometimes was because my job is harder and more demanding at certain times of the year than others.  I used the example of how we were able to go to Hawaii for 10 days over break because of my schedule but on the other hand at the end of the school year (coming up fast again) I have a lot of work all piled up and up and up and I just have to do it.  I feel like my job is the third member of our family now.  An ominously potential wedge between our already fragile peace....with tween years coming up sooner than I want to accept. 

 

I'd been very honest on ywbb about my insecurities about being a parent, let alone an only parent.  But what can I do?  It is not really a job; it is a career.  A career I have spent 20 years building and put essentially on hold for 4 years while Scott was sick and then died and I grieved while limping my way through, imperfectly and plagued with guilt.  It is also our security, as my income is pretty much all we have.  I need to invest in my career to get promoted so I can advance on the salary scale so that I can make up for my single income so that I can send my kid to college.  You get the picture.

 

I would like to talk to other women (or men for that matter) in similar professions whose hours are not set, where boundaries between personal and professional time are not always clear, where a promotion is a matter of politics and not course, where, at least in my case, I feel like I work so hard but am a failure both as a parent and as a professional.  Everything is compromised.  How do we navigate this?  I want to hear your stories.  I don't necessarily want advice but I am looking for perspective. 

 

Thank you for whatever you are willing to share.  I will be folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher, grading papers, and anxiously watching the clock, knowing I should already be in bed.

 

Christine

[gretchen437]

I can't quite fully relate, but I had my children while I was in undergrad. Now I am in a very demanding post graduate program. My children (DD-6, DS-5) are very aware that my schedule flexes based on the amount of work that needs to be done. It makes me feel like a bad parent often. Most days (and weekends) I spend working long after I pick them up from daycare. After their Dad died I got even busier dealing with all the things he would do as well. I try my best to use my down times to make it up to my kids. I don't have any advice on how to help, but I am here if you ever need to talk. (hug)

[Captains wife]

Thank you for posting. I consider myself a career woman and have worked hard to get where I am. I work because I enjoy my career but also out of necessity- i have a now almost 4 year old to support and a house etc. my hours in financial research  are set by the workday but when working on special projects I work overtime, and at home evenings and weekends as well as having to travel on occasion. Honestly I am exhausted trying to juggle both but I am fortunate that I can pay for a local nanny to help me out. My son is now at an age where he understands I go to work and often asks "you're not going to work today are you? Can you stay with me?" Sometimes there are tears although recently he has not cried as much. My husband had a less demanding job so he was a primary care giver. I definately have some guilt about how much I am away from my son and issues trying to balance work and home life. I feel I am often missing out on his accomplishments and I am always the parent that forgets to sign up for parent teacher meetings etc. My career has also suffered somewhat so I also often feel I am doing two jobs and not doing either one particularly well. What I have tried to do is set special time aside for my son ie. I can take Friday's off if I work 4 ten hour days and make sure it is quality time. I try and work from home here and there so I can see him in the am and when he gets home from school. I try to explain the necessity to go to work although I know he doesn't fully understand but I try to make sure he feels well loved. At work, I try to do the best I can but have also resigned myself to the fact that I can't devote quite as much time to my job now that I am a single parent. I also don't have the time nor patience to play the politics at work anymore - it just seems less important after losing my husband. I feel like I would like to do better as a parent in particular but here I also have realized there is only so much one human being can do and I try to make small adjustments here and there. Wishing you all the best, this is not easy....

[LostMyCharles]

I feel like I work so hard but am a failure both as a parent and as a professional.  Everything is compromised.

 

This resonated with me so much. Before I lost my husband I felt (and confessed to him) that I did not feel like I was succeeding in any aspect of my life (career, parenting, being a good wife, nurturing my own soul). Now, with him gone, that feeling has amplified.

 

I work in a typical 8 to 5 career, but am on the upward track towards executive level with my organization. That means I am expected to put in more time at my desk, but I have a 5yo DD that already spends 10 1/2 hours a day away from me. So, I come in, put in my hours and leave promptly at 5. Maybe doing so will remove me from consideration for executive-level, but I have an obligation to my DD.

 

Then, after picking her up from after-school care, I have to rush home, cook something (anything), bathe her, read to her, and put her to bed by 8:00. I'm always rushing through the evening. I don't feel like she and I are getting any quality time.

 

Finally, I get an hour or two for myself. An hour or two to grieve the fresh loss of my DH, to fold laundry, to wash dishes, to numbly finish the day and mentally prepare to do it all over again.

 

I'm failing at it all, but I'm still going. I'm going to give it everything I've got because my DD and my DH are worth it. Someday, God willing, I'll believe I'm worth it too.

[batmanswidow]

It is so hard isn't it?  I can relate to the frustration of feeling like you are juggling so much that at some point something has to give.  Before I lost my husband, I already felt so stressed about being a full-time working mom.  I was still pregnant at the time but I knew that working full time with little ones is never easy.  Then, well my whole life shifted.  There I was 24 weeks pregnant trying to figure out how to be a full time working solo mom.  Thanks universe.  I work in a field where you work set business hours, but overtime as well most of the year.  The company I was working for did not allow you to work from home during normal working hours except for occasionally if you had an appointment or were sick.  It was over an hour just to get there.  I liked the people I worked with, and the company had been so supportive during the worst part of my life so I promised myself that I would give it at least sick months after little man was born. 

 

At a little after six months I knew something had to give.  I spent almost 3 hours a day just getting to and from work.  I was trying to juggle evening conference calls with getting my son to actually fall asleep.  It has impacted so many areas of his life.  He is over a year and we are still trying to get sleeping through the night down.  I am so tired and also pretty sure that the next time someone asks how old he is and replies with, "oh so he is sleeping through the night then", I may slap them.  I was stressed for a long time just trying to keep up nursing a baby and working. 

 

So I did a lot of planning and research and realized that while it would be very tough, we could get by for a short period of time with less money.  I think for me taking a step back and a few months off was the best decision I could make.  I was forced to re-evaluate everything.  Again.  Did he need every single toy for his age group, no.  Did I want to make sure we could stay in the home his father and I built, yes.  Does a 1 year old care if we have cable tv, no.  I budgeted every area of our lives and realized that we were fortunate enough that we could get by and have more time together at least for a while.  I took a couple months off and found a part time job in the same field.  It is still pretty new, but so far I wouldn't trade a thing. Sure, I won't get promoted as quickly as my peers.  Sure, I still have to juggle my new schedule with the projects I work on.  There are still sacrifices.  There always will be.  Sometimes I get upset about all the struggles that widowhood has handed me, but in this area I remind myself that most moms struggle to find the right balance.  Yes, it is definitely easier if you have another income to rely on but the mommy guilt always finds us.

 

I also think for me it was important to let some things go.  I am typically a perfectionist and it really bothered me when things at work didn't go perfectly.  I really had to work on realizing that I was doing the best I could and some things just really aren't that important.  Anyway, that is just my experience.  I think either way, your little ones will know you love them.  Maybe one day they will even have kids and realize, wow my mom was awesome. 

 

Hope it helps in some way. 

[Sugarbell]

It's so hard.....

 

I have had it seems many careers (must be my ADHD). Before Ben died...it was pharma sales....But we had just had our third child...I was on maternity leave...he dies. I never went back (He had the same job)...Pretty much gave up a six figure income-but there was no way I could do it solo with 3 small kids.

 

Now I work a case manager job...sorta flexible hours, lousy salary but it's doable. Funny you should post this...this winter has worn me into the ground. Work, homework, sports, running every night. I am at a cross roads and strongly considering resigning and going back to substitute teaching in schools for a while. It's too hard rushing in at 4:30-5:00 then out the door we go again.

Subbing I would be home everyday by 3:00. If I work everyday it's about the same weekly income I make now.

 

I just can't do it all. For the past few months I am just a cranky bitch to my kids...they don't deserve that and I know it's because I am on overload.

 

Let us know how it works out. Teaching at a university sounds like a great job with kids...yet I know it can be stressful. ((((hugs)))

[Gabzmom]

I have a business and I wanted to quit.  At the time of my husband's death, my daughter was 13.  It doesn't seem to get easier as her activities have increased and I have to do all the driving.  Luckily, she gets her license in June.  There just isn't enough of me to go around.  I was asked to go back to Corporate and work in Education and Training.  Problem was the 75% travel.  Turned it down.  I decided not to make any drastic changes to my career or living situation.

 

We still live in the same house - I love my neighborhood and neighbors.  The house is too big, but I can downsize when DD goes off to college in two years. 

 

I am really glad I stayed with my business - it allowed me the flexibility to work around my DD's needs. 

[Trying]

A different situation for me because my kids aren't little, my youngest is 10 and I made career concessions when DH was still alive.  I will say that while some things get easier as they get older, time constraints become more difficult.  They get involved in sports or activities and practices or events can be at very inconvenient times for working parents.  When DH was still alive and my youngest started school I thought I could focus more on my career but then the older 2 were in middle school and got home at 3:00.  You really can't leave 11 and 13 year old home alone for 2 hours after school every day and middle school sports games started at 3:30.  They no longer go to bed at8:00 so you never have quiet time to catch up on work in the evening.  So I stayed part time.

 

Now that I'm a solo parent I really could use the money from working more hours, I'm per diem and I work any where from 20-40 hours per week depending on my schedule and what work needs.  The downside of the flexibility is that I don't get benefits so I am paying for our insurance.  It is also not very professionally fulfilling and I am alone all day seeing homebound elderly with no peer interaction.  I was ok with that concession when my life was more full but now I am really missing having the stimulation of a more dynamic career and the adult interaction of fellow professionals. 

 

I am at a cross roads.  Do I peruse a more dynamic job in my field and lose all of my flexibility when I know there is no one to pick up the slack, do I change careers, or do I stick it out a little longer until my youngest is in highschool 3 1/2 years)?

 

No matter what decisions we make we can not give everything 100%. We have to set priorities, make concessions, relax our standards and expectations both at home and at work and find a balance that works best.  The balance will constantly be tipping depending on work demands and home demands and that's when I feel frustrated and like I'm always letting someone down. 

[hikermom]

Well TS, you know a bit of my story! Very similar boats although I'm blessed with a somewhat regular schedule.  Sounds like M is saying the same thing S said re: my job - S. resents my work, resents that I spend time away, hates when I travel...you get the picture. But...and this is a big but (not to be compared to MY big butt! ) - she likes what my job brings. Ie: a roof over our heads, clothes on her back, skiing in the winter, trips on occasion, her Christmas gifts, etc.

 

I can say that M will figure this out - S is on her way to that and she's a couple of years older. Use her as a guidepost for what is to come with M (if you dare!)

 

Regardless of what I say - it sucks. To have those combined pressures of a career and parenthood without back up is incredibly hard. I struggle many days with it. When I'm loving my job, I feel guilty that I'm so happy I get to go to a great job and not have to be "mom" all day long. When I'm loving hanging out with my daughter, I feel guilty that I don't spend more time with her. I'm gradually realizing that I'm far better for her and me if I work in a job that fulfills me. In a few years she'll be off for college and, if I'm not taking care of my career and myself, I'd be left holding the bag without any idea of a future.

 

And so now I put my personal life on hold. I work hard at a job I love, I spend as much time as possible with my daughter and try to ensure that the time she is in care or camps is of good quality. She's learning that women can be strong, capable, smart and self-sufficient. I consider that an important part of her education. When I screw up, I admit it and apologize. She is now doing that in return. When she needs me, I'm there - I attend all sports games, music events, plays and make sure she gets to dances and parties. She had a sleepover birthday regardless of the fact that I was sick. She is not missing out and I have to remind myself of that. Instead, she is growing to be a young woman with compassion, generosity and a deeper understanding of human suffering than most adults.

 

We can't be two parents. We are one person and we are entitled to have our own story - not just our child's story. I've learned that I can only do the best that I can in a given moment. I've also learned that even my worst best (if that makes sense) is often better than others. If I don't cut myself slack, no one else will. We are all much harder on ourselves than others are on us. Academia is a different bear all-together and I can't speak to that but...and here is where the big but comes into play again...you can only do your best with what you have at any moment. Trust that your best at the worst of times is phenomenal. M will grow up seeing her mom being strong and smart and courageous and capable. She will also see mom loving her, living life, embracing the moment and sharing her joy and love of all things amazing with her daughter. M will grow up knowing she can be strong and vulnerable, smart and insecure, and so many other things and it is all good. She will know she can be herself.

 

That is an incredible gift you give her - give it to yourself as well.

[Guest TooSoon]

Thanks to all of you who responded; your solidarity and empathy is exactly what was needed.  Living (for now) as we do in the 'burbs, my daughter is constantly reminded of how we are different: how there is no Dad to play with her at the pool in the summers, how it is a grandparent and not a parent that attends all of the school events, etc.  And she vocalizes how much this bothers her and while it is painful for me, it simply cannot be and to be honest, I am just not that Mom - I was never going to be.  I try to remind myself that we are not deficient; we are just living a different model.  Scott and I were a little unconventional to begin with but, as I said on my thousands of posts in this section over the past two years, he was the fun one.  Some days I get into that negative mind frame of being a shitty, unfun parent and just cannot stop berating myself. 

 

The problem with academia is that there are no boundaries.  The amount of work that I do that is entirely invisible to both my students and everyone looking in from the outside is colossal.  And those in the administration do not care who carries how much of the load, only that things get done, so since I'd always been a yes person that expectation remains.  I've tried to set up some parameters but it always piles up and always will.  Sadly, college teaching is so very much NOT about the teaching. 

 

Sorry to rant on.  We all rock! 

 

On another note, I can gladly leave behind all of my other rantings on ywbb but I wish there was some way to preserve my parenting posts and everyone's responses.  Without doubt, I would have crumbled last fall with all of M's behavioral and learning challenges without this safe haven.  And I enjoyed sharing her antics there (sea-shells for sale at the end of my driveway, e.g.).  Alas.  At least we can carry on here.  I will need you! 

[Eddienhp]

I can totally relate!! I have a professional license and own a business. It is demanding for sure.

I am thankful I had a career. It gave me a way to earn a decent living to support two kids. I do see my kids off to school since my son has autism. He has a bus pick him up at the door. My daughter takes her bus at the bus stop. I don't have much in common with the bus stop moms. They are stay at home moms. They talk about after school activities and play dates. My kids go to aftercare and we come home at 6pm. They don't understand my commitments and challenges as a single parent and sole financial provider. I am very cordial but lets face it, there isn't much of a connection. It is isolating.

 

I do my best to take time to be with the kids. While it might not be a lot of time, the time I do spend with them is totally free from interruptions. We keep it simple. We don't run around from activity to activity. We do a lot of outdoors things together, read books and stories, watch one of their movies, etc. The bus stop moms are running their kids all over with multiple activities. It works for them. It doesn't work for us. We don't have a lot of time and we need down time as a family. Our family is different. We don't have a husband or dad. We have a member with special needs. That means we have to do things differently. I will say we are close including my stepdaughter who is in her early 20's. We enjoy each other and make it work for us.

 

You are right. We live a different model. Do you have a male role model (brother, in law, or friend) who wants to spend time with your daughter to give her the "dad-like" experience? If not, would you consider Big Brothers/Big Sisters? Just food for thought.

 

Hang in there, I know it is tough. We didn't choose this path, it was chosen for us. We are doing the best we can under difficult circumstances.

 

Hugs,

Eileen

 

[Sugarbell]

This is a horrible negative thing to say......

 

But PTA Moms annoy the HELL outta me!

 

School carnival this weekend....the home room Moms had all kids parents numbers....asking me to work a carnival game, volunteer (I had a legitimate excuse my son was in a school basketball tourney away) But they kept on...well since I wouldn't be there could I sell raffle tickets (at 50.00 a ticket? Uh no)...Could I donate to the 4th grade chocolate basket..or 1st grade garden basket that they auction off...could I sell a few elementary T shirts to friends to help with the fundraiser?

 

No no and No! I don't have extra $$$...I barely have time to fix dinner in the evenings....And the cup cake Moms are putting me on a guilt trip over this crap?

 

I swear sometimes these women remind me of jr high/high school cliques. Seriously.......if you don't work, get a hobby, a cause, a passion....outside of PTA.

 

Sorry rant over. It's hard....solo working parents do the duty of 2 people-breadwinner, bills, paperwork, house maintenance, plus all the other crap of cooking, laundry, shuffling kids, working , etc.They will never get it.

 

But we are amazing!!!! Like I have said before when people say "I don't know how you do it" I reply "Cause you suck and I don't".....said of course with a Polly pageant smile.

[Eddienhp]

I also think for me it was important to let some things go.  I am typically a perfectionist and it really bothered me when things at work didn't go perfectly.  I really had to work on realizing that I was doing the best I could and some things just really aren't that important.  Anyway, that is just my experience.  I think either way, your little ones will know you love them.  Maybe one day they will even have kids and realize, wow my mom was awesome. 

 

This is so true. I had to let go of a lot of perfectionism. I also realized that as long as my clients had their needs met within a reasonable amount of time, they didn't care what days or hours I worked. I judge myself more harshly then they ever would. I stress out a lot about meeting deadlines. We lost many days due to snow here. It is very hard to do my work from home since it requires much concentration. It is nearly impossible with interruptions from the kids. I try it but I can only achieve about 50% productivity. A virtual workspace just isn't the same as a physical one. It is aggravating to me because I am an achiever. It leads me to the failure type thinking. Sometimes I get on the pity pot, poor me....why did life have to be like this. The bottom line is my client's lost snow days too. They understand. Again, why am I expecting so much when their expectations of me are less? I wonder if I am still trying to achieve perfection. The amazing thing is none of this will matter when I am old or the day I die. I was with my husband in the end. I saw what he was concerned about. It was only his children and where he would go after he died. It wasn't work or clients.

 

I constantly struggle with helping my children with school related issues. I try my best but there is so much to do; cook, clean, laundry, shop, errands, house maintenance, etc.  I do know the time we do spend together is good. My children know I love them. I know they love me. We do the best we can. One of the things that touch me is my children's drawings from school always contain happy faced people. I find it surprising since they lost their dad at ages 5 and 2.

 

when people say "I don't know how you do it" I reply "Cause you suck and I don't".

 

Sugarbell, you are funny!!

[LostMyCharles]

This is a horrible negative thing to say......

 

But PTA Moms annoy the HELL outta me!

 

School carnival this weekend....the home room Moms had all kids parents numbers....asking me to work a carnival game, volunteer (I had a legitimate excuse my son was in a school basketball tourney away) But they kept on...well since I wouldn't be there could I sell raffle tickets (at 50.00 a ticket? Uh no)...Could I donate to the 4th grade chocolate basket..or 1st grade garden basket that they auction off...could I sell a few elementary T shirts to friends to help with the fundraiser?

 

No no and No! I don't have extra $$$...I barely have time to fix dinner in the evenings....And the cup cake Moms are putting me on a guilt trip over this crap?

 

I swear sometimes these women remind me of jr high/high school cliques. Seriously.......if you don't work, get a hobby, a cause, a passion....outside of PTA.

 

Sorry rant over. It's hard....solo working parents do the duty of 2 people-breadwinner, bills, paperwork, house maintenance, plus all the other crap of cooking, laundry, shuffling kids, working , etc.They will never get it.

 

But we are amazing!!!! Like I have said before when people say "I don't know how you do it" I reply "Cause you suck and I don't".....said of course with a Polly pageant smile.

 

^^ THIS!!! ^^

 

We moved to a suburban semi-Stepford (I read your posts on YWBB) community 4 months before my DH passed. I would say about 60% of the female population here are SAHMs, and with professional husbands, so they are the epitome of THE LADIES THAT LUNCH, if you know what I mean.  So when they ask for my assistance, or send home yet another fundraising "opportunity", I politely remind them that my husband died in December and my plate is full.  They always seem so shocked and sympathetic, but I know as soon as I walk away the gossiping starts.  Whatever. I enjoy the 'OMG, I just stepped in a huge, steaming pile of dog s**t' looks on their faces.  :-*

[BentNOTbroken]

Three weeks before my wife died I started a new job. It is really my dream job that I spent years building up to and it took a huge leap of faith to move from my old employer to the new one. DW would tell our unborn baby how proud she was of me as I left for work in the morning and was so happy that new job had good health insurance. Now as a single dad I am very happy with the new job because it gives me at least 8 hours each day of something to focus on that keeps my heart in place. At night I do all the baby things and get my daughter into the crib for the night. As she gets older I am sure that I will be pulled in so many directions but right it is her and my job that anchor me. Six months out of everything is still too soon judge....

[Kealoha]

i was actively looking for less demanding jobs in the weeks before the accident.  I've invested years and a grad degree to get to where I am and DH was proud of that-- after DD was born though I wanted to scale back significantly.  It is fortunate that I wasn't successful in those plans i suppose.

 

My manager and my team are fantastic, I really couldn't ask for a better environment, but the parameters of the job are such that I need to make decisions and guide the team (across global timezones) and so there is no real 9-5.  Right now I have no clue how it will work in the next few months.  My 50% travel was already scaled back for maternity leave which helps.  I take a lot of pride in what I do and am fortunate to have family/friends nearby for support so that I can continue to do my job. 

 

I am somewhat wary of the effect this will have on DD particularly as she gets to school age (1yo now) and can understand more about why Mommy is at work vs spending time with her.  But i guess I have some time to look at options...

[Ursula]

I teach at University, vet school, and do clinical diagnostic work, our boy is now 3 years old. At the moment I don't have to do night and weekend duties, but as I go back to my old job that will come my way and I dread it. I will go back to work part-time because if I were to work full time , I would spend that extra money on extra childcare, so I don't and I actually enjoy it. I am glad I can spend time with the little one and be part of his life. I have no great ambitions to achieve anything more in my job, that would be worth while being away from our son more. I want to be there for him, since he now has only got one parent. At the moment I work full-time, but have a lot of freedom what concerns time. I really appreciate that. I get my work done still. Many times at home, after the boy sleeps, but so far that has been ok. So when I get in later than others in the morning, nobody complains. That is nice, and I don't have to set the house on fire every morning to get us ready and out of the house. Keep asking myself, why I am leaving this place, but alas, have the option to come back.  I don't make huge bucks , but I can keep us afloat so far, so I can't complain really.

I believe the problem with promotions is, that in many places, if one is not prepared to put in the extra (over-) time, then promotions are unlikely. Don't beat yourselves up for not being a 100% parent and not a 100% workforce either, it is not possible. We cannot clone ourselves and do two things full on at the same time....

[MissinGrizz]

As a high school English teacher, I have a ton of correcting . . . probably 8-15 hours per week, depending on the week, not including recommendations for all of my seniors and other responsibilities. When DH was alive, I went in every other Sunday for 12 hours to catch up, and I often stayed late so that I didn't have to bring so much home.

 

My kids were 8 and 10 when DH passed, and they HATED that I always had my face in papers. I'd bring them to a park, with papers, the beach with papers, or just watching tv with them . . . with papers. They went so far as to hide them from me at times. My older child would accuse me of caring more about my students than spending time with them, etc. It was hard. Then, after about a year, our contracts didn't pass . . . people called all teachers lazy, etc., and I realized . . . it is a job . . . my kids are my LIFE. I still work hard, but if the kids don't get papers back the next day, so be it. I make sure it's timely enough. I don't need to be department head or an administrator . . . I could stop advising so many clubs. I slowed down, and spent time on what was more important.

 

My kids are older now (13 and 15) and I'm remarried. I'm able to work harder again and one of my kids is at school with me, which is nice.

 

My current husband did the same thing. His ex- left him sole custody of a 3.5 year old. He was a 60-70 hour-per-week guy moving up in his company. He gave up the highest level, traveling positions to raise his son. He'll never catch up from that break, but he knew what mattered most.

 

It's maybe time to soul search a bit.

[Guest Mel4072]

Right there with you but I'm learning that everything works out. I don't know where our confidence goes as parents. My daughter has told me that she hates me but if DH were here he would assure me that she doesn't really. I had to develop a thick skin and tell myself, "she doesn't really".

It is tough but we are doing the right thing. Providing. Parenting.

Hope you feel better