Fear of dying

[Guest TooSoon]

I've found that I cannot shake this fear I always have that I am dying.  That like my husband, a bomb is going to drop again.  It is completely irrational (as rationally, I know we are all always in the process of dying from the day we are born) and I recognize that but I think a consequences of what I experienced is that this fear is kept very much alive in me, a fear that my daughter will be left with no one (which is, I think, what drives it).  Has anyone else had this problem/challenge/whateveryouwanttocallit?

[anniegirl]

Yes, I have felt that. I think it's a pretty normal and not at all irrational thing given what we've been through.

 

I don't know that anything in particular - other than time - took that feeling away. The longer I went without anything bad happening, the more at ease I became.

 

Now that I am in a settled place in life and my daughter is much older, I worry a lot less.

[robunknown]

Part of me still remains pretty hardened. 6.5 years ago for 5 days straight it was one bad news day after another, from my DW going from lump, to cancer stage 1, thru 4. She survived for 5.5 years. About every three months you have to brace for the latest scans to show something horrible. Sometimes they were horrible, at best sometimes they weren't bad.

So now whenever I hear of someone going through a horrible event in their life, inside I have no emotional response except the phrase to myself, "that's life". On the outside I know what to say, better than most. But that internal emotion to tragedy froze up about 6.5 years ago now, just waiting for the next shoe to drop. There are parts of me that have softened, but this one remains firm.

[anniegirl]

Interestingly, my daughter takes that approach too.

 

"That's life. People get sick. People die."

 

At just 13 she still doesn't quite get the need to filter though.

[MR]

We all have those moments. As time passes fear reduces but it will never go away till kids grow and can handle their lives.

[momtokam]

It's a scary thought to know you are the only parent your kids have left. Initially I felt a huge fear I would die and they would be alone. It has subsided as time goes by.

 

I always had a feeling I would die first and young. My dad died at 47 of a heart attack. I wasn't sure I would make it past 47.  I was 47 when I became widowed. My husband was 49. Then I thought I wouldn't make it past 49. Crazy thoughts I know.

 

Now at 51, I feel less fear. It's still there in the background but not as strong as it used to be.

[Portside]

I didn't fear dying myself so much as the kids did. I took up some hobbies after I was widowed that were a bit more risky than normal. The kids would bitch and I blew them off. When I left the house, they would tell me "Don't die." It was their normal goodbye. Coming home from a skydiving outing, my youngest yelled at me to stop it and "I don't want to be an orphan!"

 

Ouch. I gave all that stuff up.

 

Still, I carried an ICE card in my wallet that explained the kids were alone with no family close along with their school info. I listed next of kin as one of the neighborhood moms whom I was good friends with.

 

For me, the worst thing would have been for me to be hurt/dead and the kids sitting alone at home with Dad not showing up to make supper.  :'(

 

Ugh.

 

Mike

 

 

[sojourner]

My kids too were more afraid of my dying. I don't feel afraid of death itself, per se, but I do feel an obligation that I need to stay here for them, and I can't put them through losing their surviving parent early as well.  Some of my kids also would say "don't die" if I had to take a trip. They don't say it much at all now, but I know it remains in the back of their minds still.

 

Since I'm the last parent standing, I try to keep my legal affairs in order, so my kids won't be left with a mess if I'm unable to stay.  It's one of the few things in my life that can be managed fairly simply, actually. For example, since I've prematurely worn out my knees, I have knee replacements coming up in the form of 2 separate surgeries. I'm meeting with an attorney to look over and update my will as necessary, and also leaving funeral instructions in the off chance something should go wrong. I get some peace of mind from it, as one last thing I can do for my kids, even if it may sound morbid to someone else. And it might, especially those still in 2-parent homes.

[simon8164]

i feel afraid all the time that i will leave my son alone or i will be without him ,i know it is highly unlikely but the constant worrying and fear is sometimes unbearable .Recently ,when he got ill on holiday with flu i didn't sleep for two days so i could watch him .i have always been a worrier but things are getting worse .Maria always was the strong one who calmed me down and made me see things logically and now i don't have that support anymore ,i am so scared that i will let her down by not taking good care of our son and not making her proud of me .i miss her so much all day every day and i know it has been over ten months but nothing is getting easier ,its like she has been gone for so long and its like i lost her today at the same time .i can't see how this is going to get bearable ever .

[Abitlost]

Simon, I understand your fears. I went through a similar period, which never fully went away, but it does get bearable.

Hang in there and trust in yourself.

abl