Sweet 16

[Virgo]

My oldest daughter is going to be 16 in May. I'm not even sure how we got on the topic of her birthday, but I mentioned having a party for her and she got upset. She is adamant against having a party. She isn't what you would call a social butterfly, but I thought she would be excited about a Sweet 16 party. Having family and friends over, lots of food, music, all at home. Her main fear is being the center of attention and people mentioning her dad's absence throughout the whole party. I'm worried that she'll look back and regret not having a party. Especially when we celebrate her both of her sisters Sweet 16 parties. I guess my question is, should I try to persuade her to have a party? Drop it? Just go ahead without her approval?

 

I'm disappointed, but I'm leaning toward just immediate family as she requested. I don't want to force her to celebrate her birthday, but I don't think we should ignore it either.

[AndysWife]

My DH died 2 weeks before my son's 16th birthday and I completely forgot about his birthday. I still feel guilty about it. He has no problem he tells me and he says that he didn't feel like celebrating anyway (he's now 19) but I ended up buying him a car to make up for it and I threw him a huge 18th also. Still, I wish I had have celebrated his birthday as every kid deserves.

 

Having a small get together for your daughter is still acknowledging her birthday. I was never into the sweet 16 stuff when I was that age but I was all for going out for dinner. My daughter on the other hand loved her 16th and 21st parties but she is into that kind of thing.  I was forced to have a 21st and I hated it. Everybody will have different opinions I think. My advice would be to do as she wishes.

[Trying]

I think if it truly is the social aspect of it that  she doesn't want then I would not push the big party, it may give her anxiety that would make it a bad experience for her.  If she is agreeable to Immediate family only then do it up big!  Make her feel like a princess.  Get an outrageously awesome cake made, have it at her favorite restaurant or make a extra special meal of all of her favorites at home. If she's a girlie girl do manis and pedis and a makeup lesson before and buy her a new dress.  If she's more of the active type do an adventure day.  Figure out what her favorite thing is and make a special day around it.  You can let her have a say in it but keep some part a surprise.  She will feel special and loved because you thought of things that make HER happy.  Have fun planning and celebrate your baby making it to 16, it's a big milestone! 

[Carey]

The morning of my sons 15th birthday is when we found out his dad was gone forever.  Someone, I remember vaguely got him a cake that day and a present but I was a mess... I do remember going on black Friday and getting him a video game (about 6 days after his bday).  He's told me more than once that he already thought he was birthday cursed cause sometimes it would fall on thanksgiving and be overlooked, never fell when he could celebrate at school, etc. and now he just doesnt' want anyone to mention birthday. His 16th passed quietly with me getting him an xbox (to replace his that got stolen, so really not much of a "new" gift to him but all I could afford) and I worry a lot about him forever associating his birthday with grief now.  I really wish I had made a bigger deal out of it even though he didn't want to. Does she have at least a best friend you could invite? or make it a destination type thing, not at home to kind of take it to a different level?

[Virgo]

Thanks for sharing your opinions and experiences. I like the idea of going all out with decorations even with a smaller group (immediate family.) If she wants to add to the guest list as her birthday gets closer then we'll do that.

[Guest Mel4072]

Hey Virgo. My DD turns 16 on the 18th. Sometimes you just can't win because they are teen girls. Just think of it this way, one less hurdle once you've crossed it. I tried to plan a big sweet 16, DD threw a fit. Same thing, didn't want to be center of attention. Ok. So, I sneakily invited close family over for her bday tomorrow. She criticized my plan and menu. Well, we are still going to do the party. And I'm giving her a trip to New York. That's about what I would've spent on a big party. I think. Good luck. Sometimes, you can't win. You just have to do.

[Virgo]

I think that sounds great Mel! I'm sure your daughter will enjoy her party, and definitely her trip.

 

I've been gathering ideas for a small party for my daughter. She doesn't like cake (gasp!), so I think I'll either order or make a variety of small cheesecake bites for dessert. I could use mini cupcake liners.

 

[Gabzmom]

My DD had her 16th birthday last November.  We had talked about a party but her big gift is our trip to NY this Spring.  She didn't really want a big party but we celebrated the entire month!  We had dinner with friends one evening, dinner again with family, she got to go to a concert with her BFFs, and so forth.  We kept it low key and no fanfare.  She loved it. 

[Guest Mel4072]

I think it went well. It's always so hard to tell with teens.

[mixelated]

Carey, maybe a way to handle it is to pick another day, and make that the new day to celebrate your son's birth. I know some people do this when their kid's birthdays fall on other uncomfortable days, maybe it can work.

 

I am thinking about moving my daughter's celebration, too. Her 15th was just a couple of days before her father died, and it may be too close for her to feel any happiness next year.

[ThalginsLuv]

I know I am late on this but I wanted to share that I found my step-fathers body just before my 16th birthday and has his funeral the day before my 16th. There was no party or cake (I did get a pie) but we did go out for a family dinner. However, the next weekend I got to go out of town and the weekend after that we went to an amusement park. I got to do this without my mom (although she gave me spending/travel money) and with a small circle of friends (my choice) and I appreciated that more than a sweet 16 bash.

[Virgo]

A little update on the party planning. My ex sister in-law and I were talking about my daughter and nephew's Sweet 16 parties (my nephew is 8 days older than my daughter), and we thought we could host a shared party. After all, we'll be inviting most of the same guests other than their friends. The kids both liked the idea because the focus wouldn't just be on one of them. We're thinking about booking a banquet room at a local restaurant. My ex sil actually works there part time so it wouldn't cost us anything other than the cost of food. We're thinking appetizers from the restaurant, dessert table which we'll bring in, and maybe karaoke. Best thing is my daughter is actually excited now when she talks about her birthday. Yeah!

[Virgo]

The party was Saturday and it was a lot of fun! Our guests are still raving about the desserts and atmosphere.  Her birthday is this Friday. Bittersweet without her dad to be here to celebrate with us too.

[Trying]

I'm so glad to hear it went well!  Big hugs to you and your daughter as you get through her actual birthday. These milestones can be tough.