truth/confession

[widowhoodsucks]

I'm half the woman I used to be. And though by all appearances I look like I have "moved" on and started chapter two and am whole, the truth is I will never be happy and I use a facade to "fake" it. At soon to be 7 years..... I am pretending to be happy...... Fuck and the cold truth of it is..... it will probably always be that way. This is fact. I have accepted mediocre. That is what that fucker left me when he died. That was my eternal gift from him. And I will always hate him a little for leaving me. Always. And I will always be angry a little bit, for the angry, mediocrity fact of life. FUCK I hate widowhood. 

[sojourner]

I'm only 18 mo's out (as of tomorrow), but I think I'll always feel there's an empty space where LH should be; I've seen it compared to an amputation when you lose your spouse, and that's how I feel. I think a lot of us feel that way. I think you're brave for starting a new relationship. Not sure if I'll ever be able to risk loving someone again, knowing I could lose them too.

[widowat33]

. I think you're brave for starting a new relationship. Not sure if I'll ever be able to risk loving someone again, knowing I could lose them too.

 

I have those exact same thoughts. I really don't think I could handle going through this again, so for right now I have decided to not put myself in the position of falling in love again only to lose it in an instant. In time my feelings around that might change, but right now I have to protect my heart.

 

Sorry you are feeling this way widowhoodsucks.

[Beyondlife]

with you my friend

We need Oscars for being the best actors ever

[IfIonlycould]

Understand sisterwid, understand it so much...it has really been just this past year that I have really felt my true self back again. 

[MrsT85]

I'm half the woman I used to be. And though by all appearances I look like I have "moved" on and started chapter two and am whole, the truth is I will never be happy and I use a facade to "fake" it. At soon to be 7 years..... I am pretending to be happy...... Fuck and the cold truth of it is..... it will probably always be that way. This is fact. I have accepted mediocre. That is what that fucker left me when he died. That was my eternal gift from him. And I will always hate him a little for leaving me. Always. And I will always be angry a little bit, for the angry, mediocrity fact of life. FUCK I hate widowhood.

 

Holy fuck.  Yes yes a thousand times yes.  I'm also in a chapter two relationship and appear to be whole again, but the truth is compared to who I used to be...I feel empty.  I'm often content, but never happy.  Not really.  I feel mediocre and often intensely dislike myself - I've become a dull reflection of the person I was when I was with HIM.     

 

Although sometimes I feel like it's my eternal gift TO him.  To always carry around this intense emptiness.  To be fully cognizant of the fact that I was the best version of myself when I was his.  It's a way to privately honor him within in the dark space inside my own head. 

 

I haven't been around much lately.  I've been busy with new work duties and just general life exhaustion.  But then I come here and (like has happened time and time again) feel understood.  Not alone.  Not crazy. 

 

thank you

[Meema]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. At 3 1/2 years, I mostly put on a really good show of being fine now, so good I even believe it myself sometimes. But then every once in a while I drop into a pit of despair and it feels the better I get at building a facade the more I'm unraveling behind it.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

;Good. Sometimes you need to say Fuck Widowhood and not be judged for it, or talked out of it. So as much as I might have been tempted to try to talk you out of feeling this way in my earlier, well meaning years, I know now that anger is SOOOO healthy. But it can be so overwhelming too. May you have an explosive and deeply satisfying and much deserved blast of rage.

[Freelancing]

I agree with the OtherHalf!

Keep bringing that anger up and let it rip. 

I found it to be one of many keys to free myself.

I'm shortly to be 9yrs out, I can tell you so much has changed from dealing with deep seeded resentments, rage, etc.

You'll like and hopefully love yourself for releasing all your burdens while finding a new way to love him.

[MauiMermaid]

Holy fuck.  Yes yes a thousand times yes.  I'm also in a chapter two relationship and appear to be whole again, but the truth is compared to who I used to be...I feel empty.  I'm often content, but never happy.  Not really.  I feel mediocre and often intensely dislike myself - I've become a dull reflection of the person I was when I was with HIM.     

 

Although sometimes I feel like it's my eternal gift TO him.  To always carry around this intense emptiness.  To be fully cognizant of the fact that I was the best version of myself when I was his.  It's a way to privately honor him within in the dark space inside my own head. 

 

I haven't been around much lately.  I've been busy with new work duties and just general life exhaustion.  But then I come here and (like has happened time and time again) feel understood.  Not alone.  Not crazy. 

 

thank you

 

Yes, yes, YES! Feel this way, too. Also in a chapter two relationship and outwardly it appears I have "progressed". The truth is I still carry a huge hole in my heart. An infinite sadness that the teeny, tiny bandaid of being in a new relationship doesn't fix. I have moments of smiles, laughter but never peace, never true "happy". That died with him. I still think of him every minute of the day. I'm a shell of my old self and I don't care for this version very much. I just miss him so much and it's truly exhausting. Mental jail is how I like to call it... nothing really ever takes it away.

 

(((Hugs to all)))

[Candace]

Holy fuck.  Yes yes a thousand times yes.  I'm also in a chapter two relationship and appear to be whole again, but the truth is compared to who I used to be...I feel empty.  I'm often content, but never happy.  Not really.  I feel mediocre and often intensely dislike myself - I've become a dull reflection of the person I was when I was with HIM.     

 

Although sometimes I feel like it's my eternal gift TO him.  To always carry around this intense emptiness.  To be fully cognizant of the fact that I was the best version of myself when I was his.  It's a way to privately honor him within in the dark space inside my own head. 

 

I haven't been around much lately.  I've been busy with new work duties and just general life exhaustion.  But then I come here and (like has happened time and time again) feel understood.  Not alone.  Not crazy. 

 

thank you

 

Yes, yes, YES! Feel this way, too. Also in a chapter two relationship and outwardly it appears I have "progressed". The truth is I still carry a huge hole in my heart. An infinite sadness that the teeny, tiny bandaid of being in a new relationship doesn't fix. I have moments of smiles, laughter but never peace, never true "happy". That died with him. I still think of him every minute of the day. I'm a shell of my old self and I don't care for this version very much. I just miss him so much and it's truly exhausting. Mental jail is how I like to call it... nothing really ever takes it away.

 

(((Hugs to all)))

 

I tried dating, until I realized I was looking for another version of DH.  Lately, I've been wandering back to the "BEFORE" time

how invincible and happy; never realizing that life can turn upside down in a matter of seconds.  I have the same fear of loving someone that deeply again and having to go thru this again.  And the truth is I dont have much to give; he took the best parts of me with him and now its basically just going thru the motions.  No plans. No desire, still dealing with foggy widowbrain and  unable to finish a book, listen to music.  The walking dead.  There used to be hope; but after almost 4 years, its gone.