Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread

[Julester3]

I can see your POV RyanAmysMom. My husband was very affectionate so I am really really missing the affection, the hugs, the kisses, the physical relationship, the conversations, the little things he did that made me feel pretty and special but the prospect of what I would have to do to get any of those things seems too much a price and effort that I'm willing to spend. I don't want to waste what energy I'm mustering on these things. I do my best to cherish what I had and then I use as much distraction as I can to keep the sadness at bay.

[MissingSquish]

Yup, I'm still firmly in the camp of not becoming recoupled again. I like my space, my life and my network that I've built for myself over the past 4 1/2 years. I don't see another man or relationship fitting into the mix. I'm unwilling to compromise and lose everything I've built over another guy.

[Needytoo]

First time I have ventured into this thread.

 

Not even sure how to say this, so I am just going to say it. I started dating when I was 10 years old.  For some reason I had it in my head you were nothing unless you had a boyfriend.  I also had it in my head that you had to be submissive and let the man lead the way. My marriage wasn't a typical marriage.  My husband was a functional alcoholic and I was a submissive enabler.  I think you guys get the picture. 

 

It has been four years since his passing, and I have come a long way.  I believe I am ready for dating.  I am trying the online dating thing, and it isn't working. Maybe I am just supposed to be single the rest of my life.  Life is pretty good, love my job, have hobbies, and I get out there and socialize.  My sons are still at home, and it is challenging have three adults under the same house. They haven't started dating, and I fear they will never leave.  I enjoy my alone time, but at the same time, I feel that void.  Wish I just could be content.

[sikeuritgadeun]

To be honest, I am afraid to date.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I have been asked out but I politely decline, then run the other way.  I don't know why.  Well, I guess I do.  I was happily married and and I miss him greatly.  I am afraid to take that step.  I am OK alone most of the time but it does get lonely, I will admit that.  I do miss having someone special to talk to.  I wish I had that again at least.

[jgib]

To be honest, I am afraid to date.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I have been asked out but I politely decline, then run the other way.  I don't know why.  Well, I guess I do.  I was happily married and and I miss him greatly.  I am afraid to take that step.  I am OK alone most of the time but it does get lonely, I will admit that.  I do miss having someone special to talk to.  I wish I had that again at least.

 

I hear ya.....

[Bear Tomás]

I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy". 

 

 

[Julester3]

I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy".

 

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.

[Bear Tomás]

I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy".

 

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.

 

Maybe it's just my fear of commitment? 

[Flman]

I have been a widower a long time 12 years . Married for 14 . After a year of losing my wife I felt kinda desperate didn't want to be alone or just listened to ppl telling me you're young you have to get married again.so I went on dates like crazy for a while what a joke even had a few relationships but just bc Everyone said to. It's been a few years now that I've been kind of a loner. To be honest it's great to a point sure I would love to have company once in a while but coming home with no drama is the best thing in life right now. Maybe I just can't get over the fact that my sweetheart is gone forever or when I was with someone I always felt so dam guilty. I mean we didn't divorce its like she just went away for a long time. Life really sucks sometimes

[Adley]

Yes Flman, to the coming home to no drama. I remarried last year for four months, and learned how much worse things can be than simply being alone. It's lonely, yes, but I'll take solitude over constant strife any day. As in your other recent post, I can feel myself shutting doors as a protection mechanism. Who wants to add more pain? Life is complicated enough without someone's arbitrary drama.

[lost35]

It's really just that I still love him.  Really, truly, deeply, madly love him.  I was waiting all day that day, to talk to him and to see him when he got home, as I had something important to tell him.  The phone rang and I jumped up and ran because I just really needed to hear his voice.  But it wasn't him.  And never would be.  It's been years.  Almost ten.  I can't help it.  I just miss him.  I don't know how else to be.  It's not easy. But in the end, it just is what it is...

 

[StillWidowed]

I still love my late husband, but I don't have that deep grief or longing to be with him anymore.  For me, I truly believe I've healed.  Now.....to remarry?  I don't think so.  It's been so long now that I'm really getting used to my "me" time.  If I don't want to cook, I don't.  If I don't want to do laundry, I don't.  If I want to go to bed at 9 PM I do.  If I want to go to bed at 2 AM, I do.  You get the picture.  But the funny thing, is that I wonder if I feel this way because I'm not meeting anyone I would even consider a second date with, let alone long term.  I did fall in love again after I lost my husband, but that was short lived and a colossal fail. Looking back, I doubt it was even a relationship. I'm ok by myself.  I used to get those loneliness pangs, but not so much anymore.  I think it's made me that much more selective.  Like the guy really needs to knock my socks off, or I'm not bothering.  I hear of all the compromise, and blending, etc., and all I want to do for the most part is take a nice long nap! But then I think, will I regret not dating and giving love another chance some day when I'm old, alone and in my rocking chair?  Oh the dilemma!

[canadiangirl]

I hear of all the compromise, and blending, etc., and all I want to do for the most part is take a nice long nap!

 

This. It has been 2.5 years since I wrote the original post, and my feelings have not changed in any way.  I truly admire the energy that others have in finding another partner --all my attention is on my child, or work, or managing the workload that my DH would have been responsible for...there is nothing left after that. I still have PTSD symptoms. Maybe I will change my mind when I have an empty nest.  But, looking at Lost35's post...I still miss my DH too. He was sick for 4.5 out of the 6 years I knew him. It changed our relationship. Some days the longing to get to know him better, an opportunity denied me, takes my breath away, even now.  It is him I want, not another. And I am still OK with that. 

[tybec]

I am a 3rd generation widow. My grandmother and aunt both widowed before 50.  Neither remarried.  Both traveled extensively, my grandmother went to work as she never had prior. My aunt was a college professor and wrote books and enjoyed grandchildren.  She was German descent and would go back and see family often. 

 

I thought that would be me.  It wasn't.  But I know if I do decide to be on my own, I can do it and enjoy life fully like them.  I decided to date again.  Not sure why I switched, but I did.

 

I think learning to live fully is our challenge, whatever direction we go.  Perhaps the loss of our mate opens that door to do so? 

[sudnlysngl]

I think learning to live fully is our challenge, whatever direction we go.  Perhaps the loss of our mate opens that door to do so? 

 

This has been my hardest challenge thus far since dh died. I guess I am that person who truly loved being a wife, and mother. We had just gotten our last child out of the house and were just starting to make our list of things that "we" had waited to do when "the kids are grown and gone", when he got sick and died.

 

Just want peace and happiness. (having dh back would be great too)

[TheWidowWhisperer]

I married at 32 after over a decade of living alone and a lifetime of self-care. When I was a kid my greatest dream was to live alone. Once the shock of losing my husband wore off I began to make our home my home and found peace in doing so. I've had some relationships; one that made it easy for me to picture making a life with someone new. I was surprised by that as I felt pretty certain that I didn't want to live with someone or remarry. Now single again I can't say what romantic living situation I desire as it's not an abstraction. Making a life with someone is dependent upon the someone!

However, recently I vacationed with a girlfriend whom I've known since before I married. I had no idea what it would be like to share space with someone I rarely see in real life. It was magnificent! I slept like a baby and felt like "me" for the first time in years. We shared confidences, chores, meals and quiet. It was towards the end of the trip that I realized what I really desire is a roommate. I'm not sure that will ever become a reality for me but it was such a eureka moment to realize that it's not romance I crave but partnership.

[jgib]

I think I am going to be on my own from now on.  It has been just over 4 years and I am at a new place and a new job and settling in.  I know I don’t want to remarry but I thought there may be another relationship in me but I don’t think so now.  I miss having someone in my life to share things with.  Sure could have used a hug and foot rub yesterday!

WW, I understand what you say about a roommate, the company would be nice but I think I am to private and like my space too much now for that.

I have had lots of tears and coming to terms with the fact that it will be just me from now on (oh, and my little dogs!).

[Virgo]

I don't think it's choosing to be alone. It's choosing not to settle for less than we deserve. I don't want to be alone, but I haven't found what I'm looking for. 

[Bubu27]

It's been over 3 yrs for me but I don't need/ want anyone else in my life but my husband. And this will never change.

 

On the day of the funeral when I was holding his cold hands, I promised Ken I would never betray him and wait for him until my time comes. One might say I was on heavy medication (which I was) and didn't think straight (which might be true too) but I have never ever been more sure of anything in my life. I love my husband. He is still my husband but temporarily I cannot see/ feel him physically. If souls are immortal (only our earthly bodies perish temporarily) then my Ken is alive in another dimension. And if he is alive, he is still my Ken. And if he is still my dearest husband, how could I even think about getting with somebody else?

 

I know many people do and I respect their choices but for me there is no doubt in my mind and heart that Ken is waiting for me as much as I am for him.

[CJF]

It's been a little over 8 years for me and I think about it occasionally, but not sure yet.  It is not out of being loyal to my husband because we didn't have the best marriage, but I just don't know if I can deal with somebody else again.  I put up with a lot in our marriage and know I won't ever do that again. If someone came along and it worked out great; if not, I think I'll be perfectly fine alone.  Although sometimes it would be nice to have a guy to do things with.  I guess only time will tell.

[Sugarbell]

I have been widowed for 11 1/2 years. I have raised 3 kids on my own since they were babies. (all under 5)

I have been in an exclusive relationship for over 2 years.  I love him, but life is complicated. I have learned dating in your forties, especially when both folks are trying to blend two separate lives is complicated.

 

I don't want to get remarried. I like my home and space. I am busy and he is just as busy. He lives about 30 minutes away way way out in the country. I just can't ever live out that far. 

I doubt we ever get married. If we would, it would be when my kids are gone (my youngest is now 11 so it would be years)

 

I like being "single". I like being the "girlfriend". Being a wife is too much responsibility and work for me right now. My plate is extremely full.

 

I never saw myself this way when I first became widowed. Time and experiences change us. Each of us fits into this "new world" as it works for us. 

[Captains wife]

On ‎3‎/‎29‎/‎2019 at 11:02 PM, Sugarbell said:

I have been widowed for 11 1/2 years. I have raised 3 kids on my own since they were babies. (all under 5)

I have been in an exclusive relationship for over 2 years.  I love him, but life is complicated. I have learned dating in your forties, especially when both folks are trying to blend two separate lives is complicated.

 

I don't want to get remarried. I like my home and space. I am busy and he is just as busy. He lives about 30 minutes away way way out in the country. I just can't ever live out that far. 

I doubt we ever get married. If we would, it would be when my kids are gone (my youngest is now 11 so it would be years)

 

I like being "single". I like being the "girlfriend". Being a wife is too much responsibility and work for me right now. My plate is extremely full.

 

I never saw myself this way when I first became widowed. Time and experiences change us. Each of us fits into this "new world" as it works for us. 

I'm with you on this one Sugarbell....I feel very similar. Some friends of mine think its "odd" that I don't pine for marriage but the reality is that I don't, not this late in life with all its complications. I tried to explain to my NG that I'm actually being very thoughtful of everyone (us, our kids) by NOT wanting to get married right now, given the complications it would bring to the picture.

[Sugarbell]

I enjoy the companionship and all that comes with it.

 

But marriage- well it's alot of work. If two people aren't on the same page, it can be a mess. When people ask me "When are you and NG going to get married?" My response is always "WHy would we do that and ruin a good thing?"

 

I really think I will feel differently when my kids are grown and on their own. I honestly do not have the energy to take on NG's entire family and all it entails, his crazy ex, his committment to never leaving family land on the farm and his kids (and soon to be grandkid)- I am much better off being the "girlfriend"

[Toosoon2.0]

I would not trade my choices for the world but it has been a complicated process to blend our families - or at least make sure everyone is getting what they need.  It has taken a level of commitment and patience and investment and willingness to forgive that I do not think a lot of relationships could withstand.  Everyone has had to compromise and sacrifice in ways none of us anticipated.  I can understand why you might choose not to go down this road.  Being a "girlfriend" was definitely more fun and much easier!  Lol.  We are making it work but it has definitely been and still is work.  Lots of hard work. ❤️

Edited April 3, 2019 by Toosoon2.0

[trying2breathe]

33 minutes ago, Sugarbell said:

I enjoy the companionship and all that comes with it.

 

But marriage- well it's alot of work. If two people aren't on the same page, it can be a mess. When people ask me "When are you and NG going to get married?" My response is always "WHy would we do that and ruin a good thing?"

 

I really think I will feel differently when my kids are grown and on their own. I honestly do not have the energy to take on NG's entire family and all it entails, his crazy ex, his committment to never leaving family land on the farm and his kids (and soon to be grandkid)- I am much better off being the "girlfriend"

 

I so get this ^^  I adore NG, but have no interest in getting married, and I may or may not want to live with him.  My kids are older and becoming independent, his kids are well launched.  This doesn't change my opinion on how I feel about marriage though.  It's easy for each of us to take our toys and go home, and avoid the complication of a blended household and family.  Right now life is good, why complicate things?