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Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread


canadiangirl
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I'm alone. That fact gets drilled into my head every night when I climb into bed and every morning when I open my eyes and pretty much every minute in between. I honestly don't think that will ever change. Am I okay with it? ... good question.

 

Sometimes I am. I've always been a loner. I'm an introvert, happiest with my own company. I have to confess that there were times when LH was too clingy, wanted too much of my attention. Just before he died, we had a bit of a blow-up because he hadn't wanted to leave the house in a week and I was getting cabin fever-- the next day I drove 5 hours to Dallas by myself, with his blessing. It was his birthday. He died three days later. I will never, ever forgive myself for that.

 

But the reality is that I do just fine on my own... most of the time. I spend my days off alone, and often I find excuses to leave my family for an hour or two on days when we're all off together. I prefer to be in my room or my car by myself. Throughout my adult life I've been self-sufficient-- I've always been the breadwinner and bill-payer and house manager. I guess that's a good thing... some wids have to learn all that cold. I do fine with the nuts and bolts of singledom, although I hate, hate, HATE being a single parent. I did not sign up for that!

 

So, as I say... I'm usually okay. Except when I'm not. Except when I wake up in the dark, cold and alone and terrified. Or when my co-workers are laughing about their various spouses' latest hijinks and I have to slip into the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. Or some random moment in the day when all I need is one person with whom I do not share mitochondrial DNA to tell me, "It's okay, I'm here, I love you."

 

As much as it hurts me to say this, or even to think it, I do not believe there will ever be such a person for me again. Now my herculanean task is to learn to be okay with it. I don't know if I can... but I'm trying.

 

 

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I feel like it is very important to be ok alone and focus on yourself. I too married later after being independent. We both had a brief previous marriage. We had dated several others before dating each other. We had something together that neither of us had experienced with anyone else. We just clicked and got each other. I guess I don't think I could get that lucky twice in a lifetime and at this point don't feel like putting any effort into it. I am lonely at times, craving physical attention, and would love to have someone to do activities I want to do that mostly need a partner (camping, backpacking) but just see potentially having a buddy not a relationship.

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I'm ok being alone too.  I guess after what I've been through, (not my late dh, but the abuser after...) I'm scared to trust anyone.  No way am I trying dating sites since I've heard too many stories of what is out there.  Sure, there has got to be decent people on them, but I guess that I will never find out since I won't create a profile.

 

Like Max, I am not sure I can get lucky twice in a lifetime.  I am thankful for the years I had with my late DH, and yes, it gets overwhelmingly lonely but it's okay.  Time to take care of me and my son.

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This is a great topic. I too feel the same way. I am just over 4 years out. I was with my husband for 18 years. We were business partners, soulmates, parents and friends. In the last few years before he died our relationship wasn't the best. It was strained by parenting a special needs child (autism/ADHD) and a new baby (typically developing). I was overwhelmed by working full time, caring for two small children, and maintaining a household. I felt my husband didn't help as much as he should have. None the less, I truly loved him. He gave me many gifts money can't buy; restored faith, self confidence, business mentorship, a beautiful stepdaughter and two children.

 

I do not have a desire to date. Sure I think about it. Sometimes even fantasize about it. The reality is my husband is irreplaceable. He was such a big part of every aspect of my life. I had my children late in life. Most men my age have kids in their 20s not under 10 like I do. You are right, I do not wish to share decision making regarding my children with someone else. There is also the autism factor. My son is on the higher functioning end of the spectrum. It takes a lot of planning, tons of research to advocate effectively with the school district, managing government programs, teaching him, etc. I have no time to myself and I struggle to balance the attention my son gets with time to give my daughter attention. I simply just don't know where another person would fit in my life. They would have to follow me around as I tend to my responsibilities. I am sure that wouldn't be very rewarding or interested for them.

 

Some of my friends have asked about me dating again. I try to explain it to them but I don't think they understand it. Maybe because they can't see themselves living alone. I have heard it all; you are too young, you have no time to yourself, a man can help, etc. They don't understand I have no desire. They really don't know how consuming autism can be. I wouldn't change my son for anything. He is a beautiful soul with a kind spirit and amazing gift of creativity. I know he is meant for something great. My problem is not with him. It's with the school and government who are paid to help/take care of his needs and they don't unless I press them. I wish they would just do the jobs they are paid for, make our path easier and provide what my son clearly needs. It affects our family greatly. It takes time away from my kids because I am researching, making tons of calls, writing emails/faxes/letters, etc. Anyways, I kind of got off the topic but I think you can how a man would choose to pass up on a relationship with me. Who knows, maybe when I am older and my kids are grown I might consider a relationship. For now I feel blessed I experienced true love in my life. I am content with where I am. I realize I need time alone to resolve some of my own issues.

 

I think it's wonderful some of our fellow widows/widowers go onto recouple. I am always happy to see it and share in their joy. I as well as you are on a different path. Alone doesn't mean lonely.

 

My best to all of you,

Eileen

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Love is a beautiful thing; I enjoy reading about my friends on the forum who find the love they are searching for. However, recoupling is not something I desire for myself.

 

At 22 months out, I still feel married to my wife. I start every day telling her that I love her and complete every night the same way. I talk to her all the time, write to her and still get her cards for special occasions including this past week for Christmas.

 

It sucks not having her here with me to enjoy what was supposed to be our time together with the kids starting to leave the house. I do feel very lonely without her. However, the thought of being with anyone else sickens me. I cherish the fact that all of my memories are with her. While thousands of kisses and hand holdings can blur together, I know that those and so many other moments were only shared with her.

 

At the age of 17, I knew that I wanted to find that ONE special person to build a life and family with. I grew up with my father and it was his second marriage that had an impact on my desires. His second came along after he was successful; and there was something I saw in that relationship that I didn?t like long before it eventually failed. It shaped what I was looking for in a life partner.

 

When I met my wife, I knew right away that she was the ONE. We talked ever since about the life we wanted to build together, how we wanted to raise our kids and even what life would be like when they grew up and had kids of their own. It saddens me that she won?t be here when that day comes to have grandchildren?she would have been the best grandmother.

 

Though life hasn?t gone as planned, it doesn?t mean that everything has to change. My heart still says that she was the ONE (and only). The life we created is still in motion. Our plans don?t all go away because she isn?t here. It is important to me to carry out the commitments that I made to her, to me, to us.

 

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Why is it that we cannot have a thread on being okay alone without having someone feel the need to come in and invalidate that view. I thought that I was pretty clear in my post about how deep rooted my desire of being alone is.  I am not worried about guarding my heart from pain. For the love I shared with my wife is worth all of the pain that I am having to endure. I would do it all over again. But I only want to do it with her.

 

Just one regular person in real life had the nerve to tell me that I will find someone else. That was a couple weeks in and I read them the riot act. However, I have had several widowers try to tell me that I will eventually recouple. These people don't know me. There is so much more I want to say right now, but I don't want to invalidate the views of wids that want to find someone else. I have been around here long enough to see how valid of a view that is. But it is also okay not to recouple. And that is what I am choosing.

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Why is it that we cannot have a thread on being okay alone without having someone feel the need to come in and invalidate that view.

 

Word, Mr. C.  I wondered the same thing a few posts back.  Your choices are your choices.

 

Take care,

Rob T

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At 22 months out, I still feel married to my wife. I start every day telling her that I love her and complete every night the same way. I talk to her all the time, write to her and still get her cards for special occasions including this past week for Christmas.

 

Snipped, but so much of your entire post speaks to me.  I am still very much married to my wife (4 years since losing her).  Unlike you, I'm not completely adverse to meeting someone else, but that's more of an intellectual than a gut feeling.  My wife and I were beyond close, and pretty much two halves of the same person.  People used to joke that I'd married my sister, but that isn't true--  my actual sister is not vaguely as much like me as my wife was.  Add in 23 years of marriage where we hated being out of sight of each other (barely survived going out to sea when I was in the Navy).  We grew up together and were shaped by our life experiences together.

 

Bottom line, I realize that there's absolutely no way of reproducing that sort of shared life with someone new.  I'm lonely as hell, but yeah, when it comes down to it, I'm lonely for HER, not some hypothetical new woman.  Maybe lightning will strike twice--  but even if it does, said hypothetical lady will have to accept that I'm still in love with someone else.  Even if if HNW is okay with that, there will also remain the question of whether I'm okay with that.  I may never be.

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I can't imagine being truly happy with someone else. I told my husband all the time that he was all I ever dreamed of, and then some. I lived for him, happily lived to make him proud. My dad tells me, you will never find another like him. My daughter told me the other day.. I never saw a couple love like you and him.  - What are my options.. to settle... Sounds depressing. The insane dating game with who knows what is out there. I heard horror stories. I am a wife, that is what I know. Now what?  Is it even worth the bother and torment of meeting new people and going through that mess.. knowing you can never have what you once had. If you had it all.. that leaves you with nothing to look forward to. I have no desire to date.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought this Robin Williams quote was straight-through-the-heart accurate for my situation:

 

"I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone."

 

I also KNOW that being comfortable with yourself and enjoying your own company will make you a better companion for someone else -- I have dated quite a bit in the past 10 years and in a lot of cases it was me, not them, that was the 'problem'.  In that same 10 years I was in two semi-serious relationships that did not go the distance -- it was me, it was he, it was us.  In both cases there wasn't a desire or will to share space, share a future or continue the way things had been (both LDR's -- one couldn't resolve, one wouldn't... I was OK with both.)

 

I had magic once, I want that again ~ I'm prepared to wait for it.

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would like to be recoupled, but I have no intention to cause my life to be disrupted by an active search for someone. So unless someone is thrown at me randomly...

 

On the one hand, I'm pretty satisfied focusing on work, on th girls ans on my life. Pretty comfy making my own decisions. However, sometimes I wish there was someone in my life. I think it's a waste of my romantic potential to be single. I'm also missing the physical part. I'd like an adult to comfort me and damnit I hate changing lightbulbs!

 

But I also know the sotry of a man who died at a 100, widower since he was 40. Raised his three sons alone at a time when everyone thought this was not possible for a man to do. He made the decision to focus on his sons. He's a friend's grandfather. I never met him but visit him every time I'm at the cemetary. It'll be ok, he silently tells me. And I get great comfort from it.

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I enjoy having a male friend as a companion to do things with.

 

We are honest and exclusive.

 

At 44...with 3 school age kids....I honestly see nothing but stress and a headache if you throw in marriage or just living together even.

 

But that's just me. That was my attitude 2 yrs ago, 1 year ago and today.

 

Don't see it changing anytime soon. Blending kids, homes, finances, living arrangements, customs, etc. Lord just thinking about it gives me a migraine. When my kids are older possibly...I will have the energy/focus to do it. Now...that is uneccessary stress I don't need.

 

It shocks me IRL that people look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them I don't want to be married right now.

 

Really...I don't understand the appeal at this stage of my life.🙄

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Yep Sugarbell, I agree. I like having a guy to be my companion, be in my court, be my sounding board, have my back, and take my side when need be. I like having someone to cook a good meal for so I don't revert to  standing by the sink eating toast for dinner like I did back in my single 20s. I like having someone to nurture since I am an empty-nester these days. I like having someone to travel with and be a constant on Saturday night.

 

But, yeah, marriage sounds exhausting and complicated...the blending of families and finances. I think I actually thought about it more shortly after being widowed than I do now. At that time I just could not imagine NOT being married. It was all I knew.  But now, I have kind of found a "normal."  I own my house. I spend my own money how I please. I come and go as I want. I can read in bed at night without someone telling me to turn the light off.

 

Maybe I will change my mind at some point. I just live my life a day at a time. When I was married I could imagine the future with my husband and how it might play out as the kids got older.  I have no vision of the future now. None. I have kind of accepted it.

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I read a lot of the responses on this thread with interest as its a topic I have thought about a lot. I started dating about 14 months after my husband died and I desperately wanted to re-couple, I felt so lonely. Re-marriage was a real desire for me, and having a male figure in my young son's life. But I have been trying to date for almost 3 years and I've failed miserably at recoupling, even if I have had fun in the process. In a way, I miss being married as I loved the stability of it (especially with my son) but as time goes on, I too am getting more comfortable alone - and just being a family of two.  There was a fair amount of drama in my marriage to my LH and I don't miss that. I am enjoying my new friendships, time with my son and spending quality with me and getting over the loss of my husband/my son's father. I admittedly enjoyed having a boyfriend when I did but the angst that went along with it too didn't help my grief - and it took away from my family and work time.

 

At one point I thought I saw myself re-married again (and I wanted this for my son) but honestly I am not sure I am cut out for it anymore - and I don't want to bring my son into a situation that doesn't eventually work out. A number of people have said to me - "well, you haven't met the right person"....Maybe that is true but a part of it as well is that I enjoy my space and I enjoy my alone time with my son. (While I love socializing, I too am a bit of a loner).  I am on a dating break for the foreseeable future and while ideally I would like to meet someone down the road - my "ideal" situation is to be in a committed, communicative, supportive relationship where we would spend some quality time together but also quality time apart. My last relationship fell apart, in part, as we didn't have enough quality time together and the lines of communication weren't open enough when we were apart. But I think with the right person my ideal situation could work. I also know that full time co-habitation hasn't worked well for me in the past.  I have even thought about the idea of being re-married but would prefer 2 living spaces so we could each have our own space for part of the week and then we could be together for the other part of the week? Is that crazy?

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I don't think your wish for two living spaces is crazy Captains wife. It doesn't sound all that bad to me. BF and I had a planning conversation about how to combine our families and while I think it will all be worth it in the end, it sounds scary and so much work and unknowns and disruptions for the kids. He really wants me to move with my kids into his house, the house he bought with his x-wife 20 years ago. I told him under no circumstances would I do that. I'm willing to move to his town, but my condition is that we buy a new house. So I left him with that to think about for now.

 

I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that that. Getting remarried will change all that. It will also be a huge change as far as privacy. Living with his two teenage boys will be a change in how comfortable I am in how I do things (walking to/from the bathroom with just a towel on, taking off the bra at the end of the day, stuff like that, lol).

 

So will it really be worth it? Worth the change and likely resistance from our kids? Idk, it's a lot to think about. I think the longer I stay single though, the harder it will be, so waiting for me would probably just make things even harder. I can see myself staying single, moving into a small townhouse and traveling places I've always wanted to go once the kids are grown. That doesn't sound all that bad, but it would be lonely.

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I've grown comfortable in the last 3.5 years "alone". I like being able to make life decisions by myself, pay my bills, buy things when I want without asking someone, go to bed when I want, watch what I want on tv, sit on the couch and zone out on the computer all day if I want to, stuff like that.

 

 

You took the words right out of my mouth. I recently removed myself from the two dating sites I had signed up for. I may change my mind in the future, but for now, I'm perfectly happy flying solo.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I thought of this thread last week after coming home from my first date in over a year --- I am not on any dating sites or actively pursuing romance, booty or companionship.  This came from an exchange started almost a year ago about living in Costa Rica via PM in a Closed Facebook group -- we have kept in touch sporadically after an initial * click * ..... he is an American from Oregon / PNW, I am a Canadian from north and west.  Typically this environment is Valhalla for older white men -- particularly those with secure income.  The sweet young Nicas/Ticas/Columbianas will find a older white (ie. non-local) guy with money attractive no matter how few hairs, how big the beer gut or how few teeth...  and there is a sad story that usually ends with a Gringo finding themselves paying child support out of their pensions.  It is probably the best time of my life -- because there are NO expectations for an older, chubber Canuck lady.... and I can pretty much do, say, act and wear however/whatever I please - it has been quite liberating.  So, I was quite surprised that he expressed interest in meeting me -- I also suspect he has sampled the local wares, there have been several long lapses in communication ;) but we're all adults.

 

I briefly thought about dressing up for lunch on the beach -- and then thought:  I'm pretty sure he isn't going to be dressing up for me, so I will wear CLEAN shorts and my nicer flip flops.  (My hunch was correct.)

 

I was once anxious and nervous about all this, now it's like going to an appointment -- sometimes necessary, not always unpleasant and minutiae for discussion when it's all over.

 

I am happy with my life, I had magic -- magic is fabulous, it would be nice to have it again.... mediocre just isn't gonna cut it. 

And to be fair:  It's probably me, I've met some nice guys -- like the guy on Wednesday.  I didn't think I would hear from him again -- but was surprised to get an email 3 days later:  '...it was nice to meet me' and to 'stay cool' --- not particularly effusive, but mannerly and polite.

 

I have a suitcase to pack for El Salvador, a compost pile that should be turned and a garden and greenhouse needing my attention --- I'm too busy for courting and acting cute.

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