Advice needed: DD and NG

[MrsDan]

So, I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We started communicating on OKCupid in late September and we met in early November. We've gotten together five times, but we've talked on the phone or texted fairly regularly since our first meeting, and now we basically talk every day. Recently, things have started progressing towards a more relationship-y direction (I don't know how else to put it). Last night he brought up the idea of DD and I coming to a family get together of his on the 26th. There will be other kids there. He also extended an invitation to Christmas Eve but as that is a smaller gathering with no other kids he thought the option might be better for us. He said he completely understands if it is too soon, but he is putting it out there. He said he would like to meet my daughter but understands completely if and why I would prefer to hold off.

 

I'm not sure what to do. Were DD not part of the equation, I would absolutely go; I like him a lot and this would seem like a natural next step in the progression of things. But she is part of the equation. For some reason I had a period of 6 months in my head as to when I thought it would be appropriate to introduce her to anyone. And it was firm. But I'm not entirely sure where that number came from and this seems like it might not be unreasonable. It's a party. With other kids. It's not like this means we will be going off on family jaunts, just the three of us. That I know I'm not ready for. I guess I would like some widowed input on this.

[Max2507]

She is not old enough to think hey mommy's got a boyfriend or even comprehend what that means. A party with other kids would likely be fun for her.  Its just more people to her don't get hung up on arbitrary time frames you have set for yourself.

[Captains wife]

I personally don't think there is a "right" number. I took an extreme - I waited over a year to introduce my son to NG but I just wasn't sure about a few things so felt comfortable waiting. I also think there is a difference between integrating your daughter into your new relationship vs a casual social outing. Firstly it was so nice of NG to invite you and think of your comfort level - and if it's a crowd of people with other kids if you feel u want to go, why not? Whatever you personally want to do and feel comfortable with- I wouldn't  put a specific number of months on the first meeting. If  you want to take it slowly, where I suggest you might to do that is the personal 3 of you outings? Just an idea. I personally found that difficult - trying to integrate my mother life and my son into outings with just the three of us. All the best- none of this is easy but it's great you are out there! PS my son is 4 so also really doesn't fully understand the role NG is in my life...he thinks we are friends.

[Trying]

I think at her age going to a party is just going to a party and the significance of who NG may be will be lost on her. It is very different than family dinner on Sundays just the 3 of you. There is no right or wrong, it's what you feel comfortable with. I am also someone who used to come up with rules for myself and I have learned that everything is not so black and white since I became a widow.

 

NG sounds very thoughtful and understanding! I'm glad to hear things are going well.

[Guest TooSoon]

I agree with Max2507 and Trying. A bunch of kids at a holiday party?  She will love that! 

 

If YOU aren't ready, that's another issue.  I'd be wary of arbitrary time frames, as well; I threw all of mine out the window. 

 

PS - so glad to hear this continues to go well! 

[MrsDan]

Thank you for your insight. It pretty much validates the direction I was leaning towards. The only other people in my life who know about him are my sister, and a very good friend, who was actually Dan's friend first. They are both happy for me, and both love DD very much and have her best interest in mind, and basically gave me the same advice.

 

It's funny, because I had bought him a small gift, but was second guessing whether I should give it to him. I was worried he would freak out and think I was getting all relationship-y on him. Holidays can be sort of weird for new relationships. And then he brought this up, so I'm not really concerned about that anymore. I even wondered if it was too much to give him the NG moniker, but justified it to myself by the fact that his first name starts with N. And yes, he is very thoughtful. He's probably one of the most considerate people I've ever met. There have been multiple times when I've thought, "who IS this guy?!"

[mmg19]

Agree with others on the party with kids.  DD will just have fun with kids.  Since my boys are older I stayed away from mixing parenting and dating. 

[MrsDan]

Well, we discussed it, and decided against it. Not on account of DD, but because of me. I don't think he's as ready as he thinks he is. I don't blame him, he's got some major shit going on in his life and that's where his head is at. Meeting someone's family is a big deal to me, and I just don't think we're there yet.